My 7 Cups Dream Journal
Entry 1: The Boxes of Cats
It was a little strange but what I remember most is visiting a house that was in my old neighborhood that I’d recently moved from (it really wasn’t, so dream logic) but I came back to collect something I left or my mother left.
It was very sad and the people who were there now were sort of okay with me wandering around and looking. I kept noticing the signs that I’d once lived there (painted over places that still revealed chipped paint and stuff I recognized from my apartment).
Then I looked beneath a couch or table and found boxes full of kittens. Two boxes were full of meowing kittens in water that the new home owners had no idea were there, and one more box held a very dead cat that was an older one from a previous litter. All of the kittens were starving without their mother and I knew that it was the reason why the older one passed.
The new owners suddenly smelled the dead cat and I took it upon myself to get rid of it. When I came back an hour later all of the kittens were gone, and when I was walking past another house I could see all the kittens. They’d all grown up into adult cats!
Today wasn’t a good day. I finally decided to call my aunt this morning and because it was before 8 a.m. she answered my text of “hey, is something wrong?” immediately thinking something was wrong with me and when I answered and clarified she told me I was being passive aggressive messaging that way. I got mad because I waited all week to get the courage to text the first aunt and try to talk about my food stamp problem or ask how things were going with my other aunt so I snapped at her. I told her about all the stuff that I haven’t been able to go to either of them with because I thought I’d made them both mad enough to not want to talk to me.
I just wanted to clear the air and she told me that she’d been so busy preparing for the holidays and working that she’d forgotten about my messages entirely. It was a long conversation that was like pulling teeth. I described to her that conversations with the family are like walking in a minefield and if I’m not careful and behave just right so I will step on one and ruin everything.
She encouraged me to talk to my other aunt so I did. The other aunt wasn’t as pushy and she didn’t call me passive aggressive. She felt bad that I was so upset about our last call and expressed that the reason why she keeps trying to get me involved in the big family holidays is because she doesn’t like how isolated I am and that the extended family supposedly wants to see me. I don’t know any of these people and have nothing to offer. And the truth is I don’t really want to interact with more than my two aunts and their kids.
I am sorry for the aunt drama and all of the food stamp issues.
You do indeed deserve a break and to carve out a spot for people that you want to be with. Your aunts aren't going to completely understand, but they are the best that you have got. It is good that you had the courage to talk even though it was draining.
Look for that break you want appearing in small ways. Little moments of peace in times like you are having right now mean a great deal. This morning at church the pastor was talking about recognizing all the blessings we had had before breakfast - heat in the bedroom, a bed, sheets on the bed, a light bulb that turns on.
You can do this. Tomorrow is going to be better.
Therapy wasn’t very great today. She listened but had to agree that it sounded like I was being passive aggressive to my one aunt. Then as I continued to explain that I had no intention to be passive aggressive, I just thought my way of just asking if something was wrong was the best way to start since I was under the impression that I’d upset them both. I don’t like confrontation and it took me an entire week to get up the courage to reach out to one. And it blew up in my face.
And it continued on as we had to go in depth about my reactions. That I don’t want to be around large groups of people (for the holidays, for example), but the times I have to I’m stuck pretending I’m fine even as I want to crawl out of my skin and I will only feel better once I’m home alone.
I always feel horrible afterwards because I’m basically lying to everyone to get through it so I avoid it as much as possible. And when I said this to her she was like “why do you think you have to lie?” I told her that if I tried to be honest about how I feel I’d ruin everything for everyone, and then I’d truly be as isolated as my aunts worry about because I’ve upset everyone with my behavior.
No one wants to be around someone who is frightened of groups, or is scared of getting sick, or just can’t handle social interaction.
My therapist gave me a similar speech like last time about how she didn’t think what we were doing was working when I was saying no to the gamer’s group, so now it’s like it doesn’t seem like it even matters if I go if she’s not satisfied with my progress towards socializing.
I swear, last Thursday I’d played a game of Uno, and that’s pretty big for me because I hate touching cards since the deck needed to be reshuffled so much and passed to everyone else.
I’m so angry with myself because it’s like it’s never going to be enough.
It is going to be enough. You are enough. Sometimes progress never feels like it is going fast enough.
Did you tell her about the UNO cards and how you saw that as progress? It is indeed progress. You are going to the gaming group and that matters.
So now comes time to plot out the next bit of progress for you to take. Lots of little steps moving forward is what you are aiming for. So what do you think the holidays are going to look like for you? Are there going to be gatherings that you are dreading in some way? Maybe we can plan out a way for you to do parts of them that will make you feel more in control.
All of it takes time. You are better at it that you were a few months ago. Your therapist is just trying to move you more quickly, perhaps too much so. But you are in control of your progress. @integrityblues
No need to reply, but I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you and sending good vibes.
Sorry I’ve not been replying or posting. I’ve just been very exhausted and stressed as my dental appointment gets closer. It’s this Friday!
I also got my period this week and have at least two more days to go.
I’m grateful that I got my food stamps on Monday but now I have to stock up on soups and soft foods like puddings, yogurts and cottage cheese, noodles, potatoes for mashed potatoes, and apple sauce as well as ingredients for the zucchini bread I’ve promised my friend.
I’m not excited about the shopping because the homeless keep stealing the hand baskets and I’m going to have to dump all the food in my personal wire shopping cart instead of dealing with the hassle of the store carts.
I’ve been putting off cleaning like I keep saying I’m going to do but I’ve been so tired.
I really need to because I’m probably not going to feel so hot after the appointment and don’t need messes to make things worse.
I’m going to make more of an effort to start today. I also have a job development appointment tomorrow that I’m not excited for.
One step at a time on the dental front. It may not be as bad as you think. I have had all of the dental stuff done that you are having done. It is a little rough for a few days, but my guess is that you have been worse off before than you will be after this one. But waiting is always hard.
You will find the strength to get the food and the chores done. Focus on those.
Sending lots of strength and peace. @integrityblues
I had multiple dreams that I’d wake up from because I’d hear my alarm going off.
First I dreamt that I was going to college again. Don’t really remember the class but I was analyzing a book or movie there. I left without my backpack and had to run to get it, freaking out a little because the professor had already left and presumably locked up. Luckily when I got to the door another professor had started their class and with many apologies I was able to get my backpack and leave. Also my making hot cocoa with coffee creamer was heavily featured during the quiet parts of that dream!
Then I dreamt I had to visit family for the holidays but something crazy was happening outside that made me and one other person flee with a plan to get food and water on the way out of what turned out to be a close knit town that neither of my aunts actually live in. So everyone was turning into these monsters that roamed from shop to shop to steal resources and kidnap people who got in their way.
There was a scary moment where me and the one I ran with were caught in a store by those monsters suddenly came in was we were getting water and I guess little pieces of cheese on wooden skewers? The person I was with froze in place and I did the only thing I could think of (since using the skewers as a weapon wasn’t going to work) and offered the lead monster some of the water I’d collected in a plastic container with a lid like you’d see in a deli. Since I offered the water they left us alone and I woke up after I began to obsessively rinse the container to reuse it for more water because the monster got it’s beak of a mouth all over it.
Yesterday in the early evening my older sister reached out to me via text about whether I’d heard from our mother. I told her what I know from our last call in Thanksgiving and that I knew nothing else. Just that my aunt was thinking of how she was going to give them their Christmas presents if the phone wasn’t working.
I tried my mom’s number but only got voicemail, then tried texting the number my younger sister uses sometimes, the one I used to try and reach our mom on Thanksgiving when I learned that it’s something my younger sister uses on her own phone.
Of course I heard nothing back even though my text was polite.
Now I’m considering calling to just get the answer
Sorry for all the bad dreams. I know that is where your family stress goes. You always act in such nice ways during your dreams though. You seem to calm the situation down.
I would probably avoid too many attempts at contacting your mom. That isn't going to lessen your stress this week. She will figure out how to reach out because she is going to want to have some holiday conversations with her kids. Put the burden on her and focus on you.@integrityblues
Yeah, I gave up and gave my older sister the number so she can try if she’s so eager to see our mom. She’s suggested that if my aunt is going to go over there to drop off presents maybe she’d come too for strength in numbers. I told her I’d tell her if my aunt settled on a day or time to try.
I’m trying to focus on myself but wasted most of my day waiting for a package my other aunt is sending me but had only said something was coming today (but that could have been for the package that arrived early yesterday) so I did a large shopping trip to pick up most of what I need for after my wisdom teeth are removed.
Sounds like you are working in a good direction.
The teeth are coming soon, but you can do this. Just keep doing the ice and the warm water on the schedule they suggest. Keep on top of the pain medication and even consider calling tomorrow to ask them to send in the prescription early so you don't have to go and pick it up afterwards. The first few hours when you are on the pain meds from the dentist are pretty easy but just weird. Then it becomes a little painful, especially if you let the swelling get too much by not doing the ice. The warm water treatment is good, but it is all a little *** at first. Don't let the blood scare you. It decreases pretty quickly as you replace the gauze. By day 2-3 it usually isn't too bad at all.
Sending lots of strength and some good books to read or shows to watch for a little bit. @integrityblues
I dreamt that my father and I were very awkwardly interacting as we lived in the same house but claimed different parts so we wouldn’t run into each other too often.
My wisdom teeth weren’t removed today. They had the dr look at my X-ray and point out all the places where I’d require the bone grafts I couldn’t afford, the ones that were too close to nerves and another that was too close to my sinus. The other people talked to me about the care card I could see if I qualified for so I could pay for everything related to the extractions in two years, then I had to get out of the chair in the examination room and speak to someone in the front about my extraction not being possible because 1. It couldn’t be done with a local and 2. The dentist didn’t want to risk it at all.
I’d purposely made sure that my appointment would leave me sedated so I could sleep through it all, but I guess the person who helped make the appointment at the beginning of the month either made a mistake or didn’t understand or just didn’t care. And since the dentist doesn’t want to risk it my wisdom teeth removal is being referred elsewhere. They have to inform my insurance about it and I could hear from them in 3 business days. I argued with them politely as I got teary from the anxiety and stress and finally let myself into the lobby where my friend was waiting for me. From her expression I guess my own was livid. We headed to the car and I explained the details as we drove back to my place. She said that it was fine, and when I learned where I’d be going we’d work something out and get it done. I thanked her and got out, telling her to please drive safe and enjoy the zucchini bread.
Once I got inside I grabbed my work gloves and hauled the trash cans and recycle bin that had been emptied while I was gone.
Today was stressful and exhausting because of the failure of the appointment and also because I’d fasted for 12 hours to avoid aspiration while put to sleep. I just knew that something idiotic was going to happen today.
The only benefit today was seeing my best friend. We shared our holiday gifts. I gave her a big zucchini bread with lots of walnuts and she gave me an immersion blender, a huge box of gauze, two large bottles of Tylenol, and lots of applesauce. After everything that happened at the dentist she suggested maybe getting lunch but I’d already had my plan to haul the trash cans back in, and sit down to eat the ice cream stashed in my freezer while watching Bridgestone since I finished The Duke and I yesterday.
Ugh, I am so sorry that you got yourself all prepared for the extraction and then it didn't happen. That must have been wretched.
But at least the dentist was someone who didn't want to put you through more pain and trauma than necessary. They knew without the extra stuff that you were likely to be in a great deal of pain. So they stopped. You can also be sure that the next time they will make you fully sedated. That does help.
So you will get a chance to move forward. It may be slow and it may involve getting more pieces in place, but that won't stop it from happening.
And you have things like ice cream to eat, a new immersion blender (one of my favorite kitchen items), some extra Tylenol and applesauce, and best of all some good conversation with a calm friend. Your weekend will also be a bit easier medically.
Sending lots of peace as you adjust.
I get it, it’s just so difficult to be in a prolonged state of worry and anxiety and then be spoken to as if I was an idiot for their mistakes and their errors that I don’t have any control over.
I understand that you mean the dentist cared enough to not put me through the extraction on just a local with all of these additional problems they’d only just discovered when they looked at my X-ray that minute, but I couldn’t help but see it as them not wanting the potential liability and deciding to pass it off to a hospital instead.
Of course, that could also be viewed as them being responsible and passing on the job to those more qualified to do it. Yet it’s the timing and the waste of both mine and my friend’s time that puts such a bad taste in my mouth.
I have to be patient and wait for the next step.
I’m going to try and rest this weekend and take my mind off of it.
It will be fun to try out my new blender and make a smoothie or something else. I should try and make the peanut butter bread for my other aunt so I’ll be ready to give both loaves to my aunts and make cookies for the others, either jam thumb prints or snickerdoodles so I’m prepared.
Oh, I would most definitely still be more *** than anything else. You are right that they didn't seem to think your time was valuable. They could have made all of those decisions a long time ago rather than putting you through all of the stress and reorganization of your life that they did. On that front, they were very, very wrong.
But at least you didn't get a bunch of horrible physical pain that was unexpected on top of that. Waiting isn't fun at all, but hopefully all parties will now be more motivated to find you a good solution.
Yes, the immersion blender is really good for smoothies. It is also nice for soups that need to be pureed. I most recently used mine to make a cranberry pie at Thanksgiving. I think that I must use it at least once every other week for something. It is really versatile. @integrityblues
Yes, I’m just trying to move past it to the next steps. I enjoyed the first season of Bridgerton even though it was pretty different from the book. I’ll probably keep watching it because I like the costumes and the hair.
I think the first thing I’ll make with my immersion blender is a smoothie. I’ve got plenty of frozen strawberries and got some milk for a peanut butter bread recipe I’m trying to make tomorrow.
I’ll also see my aunt tomorrow because she’s coming to drop off my gifts.
I’ll give her the zucchini bread (my buddy said it was very yummy, so yay for quality testing) and the money my older sister has sent me for our mother- she’d have delivered actual gifts but she’s gotten Hep A and needs to avoid contact. That’s why she’s sending money instead. On Tuesday my aunt will go to my mom’s to try and drop off the gifts she’d gotten for her and younger sister as well as the money. I’ll include a letter with holiday greetings for my mom in the envelope I’ll put the money in. It’s not the same as a text or a call, but it will be a nice touch.
I didn’t record yesterday’s dream and the one I woke up from this morning.
Yesterday it was about hanging out with a group of friends from YouTube (who are terrible in their own ways) but the worst one who was narcissistic and awful was someone I kept thinking of as my former friend who treated me so badly. Like I’d be driving with them in a car and look at her thinking “That isn’t her! Why is she acting like she’s your friend, they don’t even look the same!” but the dream would go on as if she was my first friend who I went to jr high and high school with. Not some idiot with a YouTube channel.
The dream ended with this person suddenly becoming my friend (looking and speaking like her) and then destroying our friendship all over again and kicking me out of the car.
The dream I woke up from this morning was about my friend who passed away being back in my life and alive- and at first it was nice because I miss her so much. Then as the dream continued we started fighting about whatever. I don’t even remember about what!
I was in an annoyed enough mood this morning because my aunt wanted to know if I remembered my younger sister’s shoe size. I didn’t and said I’d text and ask. Of course I got no answer, it’s the end of the month and why would whatever service she uses to call or text be working if she can’t pay for it? So I told my aunt that I had no answers.
Then I opened one of my Christmas gifts even though my other aunt said I had to wait till Christmas. It was the replacement for my AirPods- something generic but compatible with my phone. They’re comfortable and that’s nice.
I’m considering getting a bottle of Bailey’s and some cocoa but if the alcohol is too expensive I’ll just get the cocoa.
It sounds like you are building up towards an okay holiday for you. Nothing is necessarily going to be perfect, but you have been doing some solid holiday things. Sorry for the family sickness that is limiting contact somewhat.
The dream sounds understandable since you are probably thinking more about old friendships at this time of year. Parts of the dream were okay and parts were not so okay. Kind of like the holiday itself.
I am sending you peace and a restful next few days with whatever treats you can give yourself.
I am glad you are enjoying Bridgerton. I haven't seen that one but it does look like it has nice costumes. I think there is some kind of extension on it on Netflix called Queen Charlotte? Anyway, there is lots to enjoy there which is good. I am enjoying the new season of Queer Eye. I like to watch them brightening other people's lives. @integrityblues
Thanks bestVase. Holidays are usually hard for me because I often want to be alone but more so because I just don’t want to be around a lot of people.
Queen Charlotte was the first Bridgerton thing I watched because I’d seen so many interesting clips online and I enjoyed it a lot, then realized the franchise was an adaptation of a book series and paused watching the main series to read the very first book (it begins with a prologue that entices readers with a compelling backstory for the male lead Simon that promises all sorts of complexities for the plot of the romance) and while the first season is fairly good they did take lots of liberties and it only goes on with the progressive seasons. My friend assured me that it would probably be more upsetting if I’d read all the books and know all the details about all the characters from the books. I’m pretty much watching Bridgerton for the nice costumes and the drama.
Queer Eye being a show where they brighten other people’s lives is pretty cool, nice and positive.
I’m going to try and bake some peanut butter bread tomorrow and wrap up one loaf so it can be frozen for my other aunt. We’ll see each other at some point and I’ll be ready with her gift.
I’ll also go to the store to buy toilet paper and maybe some hot chocolate and marshmallows.
I hope that you get to the hot chocolate, marshmallows and peanut butter bread. May your holiday be as you want it to be.
We had a fairly quiet holiday tonight with church and going around in the car looking at lights while remembering Christmases past. We should have some nice little gift giving tomorrow and then drive to see my parents. It is a small Christmas.
Do watch Queer Eye if you get a chance after you finish Bridgerton. It has certainly helped my mental health quite a bit. There are also quite a few seasons to watch. @integrityblues
That’s nice.
My didn’t do much today that was awesome. When I was about to leave and get coffee I’d found a dead squirrel in our bushes and had to go back inside to get some plastic bags. I’d got back out there to remove the body and throw it out. Then I left but kept second guessing whether or not I’d accidentally touched the dead squirrel with my bare hands and then touched my clothes.
I texted my aunt because my sister wanted to know if our mom got the gifts and it turns out that my cousin’s son was born last night or early this morning.
Shes tired but still mentioned that she’s going to still go to deliver the gifts and money like she planned.
Now I’m eating Mac and cheese.
Sorry about the dead squirrel but happy to hear about the new family member. Maybe you will get a chance to meet them some day.
I am also glad to hear that you had mac and cheese. We don't get that often because my husband doesn't like it. We had some nice ham and cheese sandwiches for dinner tonight though. Making it through the quieter holiday okay. But I am very tired. @integrityblues
We aren’t very close but there’s always a chance that we see each other at some point.
My older sister just keeps asking for updates on whether my aunt delivered the gifts and money to our mom and I had to tell her that I was trying to be patient and not bother her too much; my aunt said she was going to do it, but she was also working on Christmas Eve and Christmas too.
I opened all my presents. I got a blender, slippers, nice warm socks, a set of pajamas, shirts, and a new pair of shoes.
Im trying to decide if I should go and see my mom. I want to maintain my boundaries but I also want to see my mom.
I hope that you get plenty of rest bestVase.
I agree that trusting your aunt to do what she said she is going to do is best.
I can also understand your desire to see your mom. Figure out ways beforehand to keep those boundaries up during a visit. Maybe make the visit only an hour or two. Maybe promise to yourself that you will only leave with ONE thing that you can do for her (and keep it small). After the visit, keep the same contact schedule that you had before. Those kinds of boundaries might make you feel less overwhelmed.
My visit with my own parents went well. I was happy that all three of my boys got me a present this year which they have never done before. I got a necklace, a bookmark, two packages of tea, an antique print of some birds and a tea towel. I gave myself a blow up solar powered lantern and charger.
Your gifts sound lovely and very cozy. Your holiday sounds like it is going well overall. Keep it up. @integrityblues
I’m glad your holiday went well too.
My aunt did deliver her gifts and the money my older sister wanted our mom to have. She said mom said that she was getting a new phone next month. I told my older sister about it so she’d stop worrying over it.
I woke up with a headache and stayed in bed, so when my aunt got back to me with the text I just didn’t put more effort into my plan to see my mom.
The most I did today was eat, shop for toilet paper, and add money to my laundromat card so I can do a couple loads of laundry tomorrow.
Trash day is on Saturday because Christmas moves the pickup by one day, so tomorrow I’ll haul the trash cans out.
I’ll try and get more done over the weekend so I’ll be ready for Monday’s job development meeting and Tuesday’s therapy appointment.
It sounds like you have a good working weekend planned to get ready for next week's appointments.
Your mom will get a phone eventually and get back in touch more.
Were you able to use your new immersion blender yet? That should add all sorts of things to your possible menus.
We saw more relatives today from my husband's side of the family which was nice. I am glad that we only stayed with my parents one night. My sister is there with her family now and she always brings chaos with her. It isn't on purpose but it is there. This time it involves a car rental where they had no car available despite it being prepaid, a late night hospital visit for dad because he was so excited they were coming that he had a high blood pressure moment, and the flu bug for my brother-in-law. We will see what happens when she visits us in a few days. @integrityblues
Fingers crossed that things go smoothly for the rest of the holiday visits.
Today was a long day filled with annoyances. I had to haul the trash cans out in the rain, then dragged my laundry to the laundromat in the rain too. I was so sore from both of those things that I took a long shower and got into my new pajamas so I could rest.
