My 7 Cups Dream Journal
Entry 1: The Boxes of Cats
It was a little strange but what I remember most is visiting a house that was in my old neighborhood that I’d recently moved from (it really wasn’t, so dream logic) but I came back to collect something I left or my mother left.
It was very sad and the people who were there now were sort of okay with me wandering around and looking. I kept noticing the signs that I’d once lived there (painted over places that still revealed chipped paint and stuff I recognized from my apartment).
Then I looked beneath a couch or table and found boxes full of kittens. Two boxes were full of meowing kittens in water that the new home owners had no idea were there, and one more box held a very dead cat that was an older one from a previous litter. All of the kittens were starving without their mother and I knew that it was the reason why the older one passed.
The new owners suddenly smelled the dead cat and I took it upon myself to get rid of it. When I came back an hour later all of the kittens were gone, and when I was walking past another house I could see all the kittens. They’d all grown up into adult cats!
I dreamt that there was a mouse climbing the wall in my bathroom. I had to keep looking for things to knock it down with (my cane, a Swiffer, or a broom) but someone else popped up with a strange looking club and knocked it down and knocked it out.
Today wasn’t the best day. It was the death anniversary of a much loved dog who belonged to a friend who also passed away years ago. They passed within a week of each other: first him from being put down after a large stroke and then her after a long fight with kidney disease and diabetes.
I spent most of the day handling another Zoom appointment. I have to look at one of the leads I wasn’t sent last week because of a technical issue, try and apply for the CalCareers contact letters I’ve gotten last night, then email my developer because we ran out of time and didn’t schedule the next appointment and she didn’t send me todays leads.
Then I went to the store while it was still cool outside and walked back after the clouds had cleared and the sun began beating down.
I’ve been resting for hours now and still feel awful.
Sorry that you had a rough spell today with the anniversary. You may not have gotten far on the job stuff in terms of results, but you made a solid effort to do something. That counts a great deal.
So you said that you spent time after all of it resting but didn't feel better. What kinds of things do you do during a "rest"? Sometimes it is switching those up a bit to make the rest more relaxing.
I know for me that with summer I have a little more time in general. In theory that is good, but I have been spending too much time doing social media and panicking. Today I pulled back just a bit and it helped. @integrityblues
That’s true.
The job development stuff is so frustrating. I took some time today to look at remote jobs too but didn’t have any luck which frustrated me more.
When I rested I tried laying down and focusing on other things. I tried listening to an audiobook and it helped but I was so worn out physically that I hurt. It was difficult to enjoy the book when I had to keep changing how I was laying down while taking medicine and using Bengay.
After several hours of that I ended up taking a much needed shower. While my hair was drying I opened up my laptop to look at the one lead from last time (it’s over two hours away so I’m not applying), then applied for all three of the CalCareers jobs I got contact letters about, and sent my job developer an email with links and notes for all of it but also added that I’d like to get the email for the leads we discussed that day as well as the date of our next Zoom.
I’ll be honest and say that I’ve also been worried about my mom but I’ve been trying to not get too involved. She called me the day before without a text and at first I thought something terrible had happened, but no she was just at the laundromat and wanted to chat between loads about how my sister’s dog was just so sad when she wouldn’t let him inside like she used to. That all she could do was buy him a bag of food so he wouldn’t go hungry, then went back in her apartment to cry.
Ok, there is lots of good stuff hiding in there that may be a little hard for you to see right now.
One is that you did the job stuff anyway. It is frustrating but you are doing tons to try to make things happen. That is so much better than where you were six months or a year ago.
And you are taking breaks with audiobooks and showers (do take that shower more quickly next time to help your muscles) - those are great things to be doing in general though.
And your mom is okay. Her call panicked you but in general it sounds like she is hanging in there.
What moment today do you think was the best one? Mine was reconnecting to a podcast that I had in my bookmarks. I was getting ready to delete the link, but I am so glad that I didn't. It was Kate Bowler. I usually don't listen to podcasts, but I have decided to go back to season 1 and read through the transcripts from one of them per day as long as I can. They are very inspirational and supportive in talking about how ugly life can be sometimes and how we can survive it. When you need something uplifting, it might be worth giving it a try. She interviews all sorts of different people. https://katebowler.com/podcasts/
I didn’t post anything from yesterday because I was just too worn out.
It was too warm and I worked too hard getting trash day chores done. I woke up with a bad headache and texted my mom several times asking if we could please have the call sooner but she never answered those. Turns out my mom was letting my homeless sister use her phone and was busy preparing for a weekend yard sale and loving my sister’s dog who she just let back into her place because she missed him and felt so sad when she had to tell him that he couldn’t come inside anymore a few days ago.
My mom and sister have already had a fight that drew the attention of the manager but my mom claims it’s ok. We had our call pretty late and she had to keep hanging up to go open the gate for my sister.
So I was in a pretty awful mood and hurting when we finally finished the call and I was already stressed that I couldn’t have the call sooner so I could just go to sleep.
I sort of just gave up on having an actual call with her because she’s just going to keep having to hang up before we’ve spoken for more than ten minutes. I made sure to schedule our next two week call, write the note on my calendar, and sent her the text with the date. I updated my aunts and my older sister about what little I learned.
Then I made a frozen lasagna.
I got my travel funds and went out so I could cash it instead of having my overdraft suck it up like last month.
The ATMs weren’t working at my bank so I used my app to do a photo deposit of the check like ai had tried to avoid then walked to the nearby pharmacy to pick up the chewy tums I’d been needing all day because of my heartburn, then added the highest cash back offered that wouldn’t make me go over the specific amount I could use.
I had 18 bucks left over so I put 15 on my Starbucks card and got a nice White Chocolate Mocha Ice Coffee. I drank that while I walked to the Carls Jr for dinner and wasted my cash on a grossly expensive burger with fries and a drink. After paying I was disgusted with myself and resolved to try harder and eat at home more often if fast food isn’t cheaper anymore.
I tried texting my mom asking her how her yard sale went. Then I stopped waiting for a reply because I don’t need to focus on her lack of response and what could be the cause.
I couldn't have answered last night anyway so don't feel bad about not typing anything.
It sounds like it was a pretty intense day with your mom. I am sorry for that. All you could do at that point was what you were doing - listening. It allows your mom to know in her more rational moments that she has a daughter who will support her through the drama not cause additional drama. You are a valuable ally to have. But I am glad that you cared for yourself with some frozen lasagna and went to bed early.
I know that you feel like you overindulged today, but the more that you beat yourself up over it the worse that you will feel. It becomes like doing a bad thing to yourself twice. So you forgive yourself, you ignore your mom's lack of texts, and you move forward with a good audio book or something like that.
Can you think of a moment of peace today? Remember that it is always helpful to try to use that as a starting point. Mine was a good Racial Healing and Transformation discussion. It was a bit of an in depth moment of listening to one person's story and them listening to mine. It reminded me once again how important it is to support one another.
Yes, that’s true. I’m just tired and stressed out about so many things going badly.
My moment of peace today was listening to a recording about Active Meditation on my Healthy Minds app. The dr I saw recently suggested I try it out in addition to doing my talk therapy. I washed some dishes while I listened because I needed an activity and dishes needed to be done. It lead to me doing another 15 minutes of dishes, so that was nice.
I’ve never been big on meditation but the app repeats the concept of it being less about emptying your mind and more about focusing on yourself, your body and breathing, or things related to the activity. Like with mine I got to focus on the scent of my dish soap, the sound of the warm water filling the sink, and the feeling of the sponge and silverware in my hands as I cleaned.
The recording also added guided steps about thinking of something you enjoy and a person you care about, what you love about them and so on. I chose visiting my aunt’s cat, Pepper. The cat is so nice to pet because their fur is so soft. I chose my best friend. We always have the best conversations about books and we care about each other so much, I’ve told her in the past that I love her as well as a sister.
That is awesome. I often struggle with meditation too. I think that I am just not doing it right. But even the breathing and focusing on dish soap does help.
They say that any time you can spend (even 5 minutes) on the senses really can get you towards more healing. It does so with me too.
I also do a four count breathing - four counts in, hold four counts, release four counts. If I can't sleep it does help me get back to sleep.
My good moment today was a nice lunch with friends where I had a great piece of toast with salmon spread, egg, and avocado on it. Very tasty. @integrityblues
That’s nice. I do a similar breathing exercise while I’m in an MRI and have to keep my breathing easy and even so they don’t have to retake the images of my brain and cervical spine. I always feel so bad when I’ve moved too much just by breathing.
After I’m done handling my Zoom job development appointment Monday morning and other stuff in the afternoon, I’ll light my friend’s yahrzeit candle at sunset. It’ll burn for at least a day, and when I’m away for therapy on Tuesday morning I’ll put the candle in my kitchen sink or on top of my stove, maybe inside an empty sauce pan or on a baking sheet so it’s nice and stable while I’m away.
I’m just so tired and sad even though I shouldn’t be sad really. I know that grief is complicated but all this stuff happening with my mom makes me miss my friend even more. She was steady and kind and would have never done this.
My mom called me last night with no warning just to tell me about stuff my homeless sister is doing while she’s over- that she’s started calling our mom a faker and questioning her symptoms and if she really needs help. I told her I didn’t want to beat a dead horse but if she really wants to not deal with being treated like that she has the power to tell her to leave. But my Mom won’t because the thought of my sister not having her place to go to makes her feel sad and guilty.
Ugh. I spoke to my best friend earlier and it helped a little bit.
Now I’m getting ready to rest and handle the aches and pains I still have from Fridays work.
It wasn’t so great a day. I woke up feeling out of sorts and forced myself to do what I had planned. I felt cramps in the middle of my Zoom where my poor job developer gave me a sympathetic pep talk while acknowledging that it’s been very hard to find jobs that are even willing to offer a chance that also fit what I need (within my area and not bilingual).
Once the call was over I checked to be sure and yes, my period started.
After that I sat down to look at the leads we discussed after the pep talk. I hated each one and said as much in the email I sent back with my notes, but I did it politely. During our next meeting we’ll discuss next steps for finding internships that I’ll be able to work at least 100 hours for to gain more experience and more recent stuff for my resume.
I’ll be lighting the yahrzeit candle for my friend around sunset here. I’ve got the table cleared off and everything in place.
I don’t know if lighting the candle will make me feel better per se, but it’s the right thing to do for my friend’s memory. I just texted her brother because I’ve made it a habit to check in with him on the anniversary and birthday. He’s doing okay.
I need to take my medicine and drink more water. I’ll try and relax but these cramps are so annoying and it’s too warm for the heating pad.
I dreamt that I’d forgotten to take an entire day’s worth of pills.
Yesterday wasn’t an easy day. Therapy was hard because as I continued to talk about my problems with support she said that I had issues with only undesirable alternatives. That I feel very alone and don’t have the support I need but I’m also not willing to go out and socialize and make new friends.
I hesitantly agreed that in some ways I’m making my own problems like my mom does and I’m doing nothing to solve them. And when she suggested I take one of the flyers about the group meetings (not the trauma or therapy based ones). I agreed that while I was in the waiting room I was looking at the one for Gaming. There was a meeting on Thursdays just for people who like games so we’d all socialize in a safe space maybe while playing board games I think. I’m going to try it but I’m not excited because during the therapy I kind of felt I had to make the decision, any decision to prove that I was a good client who is capable of listening. My homework is to try and go to a meeting and see what it’s like.
I’m going to do a Zoom meeting for job development but I’m going to lay down before and after.
I remembered a part of that dream.
After I discovered the problem with the medication I decided to get a stray cat. I got one that was near our trash cans, gave it a home, then it disappeared. I was upset and found another. It was getting settled in and the other cat suddenly reappeared in my house. I was so concerned over what to do since I shouldn’t have one in the first place.
I got a knock on the door and opened it to find two children who were looking for their lost cats and pointed to the cats in my house saying those were the ones.
I was so sad but also a little relieved because the only other thing I thought I could do would be to release them again and have no cats.
The kids took the cats and I shut the door.
I am so sorry for missing a night. I am really trying to keep up but I have someone else who I type with who can really monopolize my time. Imagine someone writing 4-5 times what you write. Nightly. I am trying to only do her every other night but I fall behind easily.
I know that the job stuff is discouraging. The internship idea sounds like a good approach because it will give you more experience. You are going to find something and you have a much more supportive job search person than you did before. She is very clearly on your side.
I hope that the period symptoms fade a bit soon. They are never fun.
I am glad that you got to light the candle. I love watching flames flicker and they are a good way of remembering things. My moment today was an early morning trip to the food store. When you arrive very early they are still usually baking bread for the day and frying chicken. The smells were rather intoxicating, but I bought neither.
I know that the therapy was hard (it often is) but I am really, really excited that you made a decision to consider the gaming group. That sounds really fun and worthwhile for you. It will get you out there and make things feel a little less lonely for you. The big key is to realize that each step you take is actually small tasks that add up to something larger. You made a decision to try it - step one. Then you figure out when it is and how you will get there - step two. And so forth. Socializing is hard, but you can do it slowly but surely. Remind yourself that you have already started by connected with me here. And a lot of it is "fake it till you make it" kind of activity. It can be really hard at first, but if you can make it a little bit of a habit and try a few times it gets easier.
I understand.
Job stuff is wasn’t great today either. I was given some suggestions to check more staffing agencies. I looked at more jobs on CalCareers and found nothing I’m qualified for.
The candle burned out some time last night, maybe a few hours longer than it should have but it was safe on a table on top of a baking sheet. They have to burn out naturally for the memorial to be completed.
I’m going to try and go to the gaming group at the mental health center next week.
I’m just going to try and rest for now.
I again apologize for missing a day, but I should be caught up at least temporarily for a day or two so I can respond better.
You looked for a job. Some days that is simply enough. You are also going to try the game group which is great.
I hope that you got some rest today and are heading into a smoother weekend. I continue to be right by your side cheering you on. @integrityblues
It’s okay, bestVase.
I still haven’t tried the staffing agency stuff beyond finding that one of the links lead to a spot asking if I wanted to buy the domain name. I plan on working more on it on Sunday.
It was way too hot today, so instead of sweeping for an hour and a half I hosed the entire property and the one trash can that had maggots in it. The flies are always so bad during the summer and these temperatures. I ended up raking a little but it was over 84 degrees and I called it quits. I only stepped out one more time to fill the cat water bowl with ice like I did earlier this morning.
Then I took a long shower.
I plan on doing laundry early tomorrow if it isn’t too hot or too busy there.
I’ll get plenty of rest now. Thanks bestVase.
I dreamt that I was the character inside a story I was writing in the dream. It was confusing because I kept stopping and remembering plot points from where that exact idea and story came from and I was frustrated that I was stealing it.
I like the idea of the long shower after the heat.
Remember to find a moment each day where you are really focusing on your senses as a way of centering yourself. Mine today was a walk in the heat. Normally I try to avoid going out in the middle of the day, but I knew I was going out later in the evening and I wouldn't have time to do my normal walk. But I was really surprised that there was a slight breeze at 3 pm and plenty of birds to look at.
Your dream sounds a little like trying to put all of the puzzle pieces in place and getting frustrated when they overlap and you can't figure out what came first or second. Maybe it is a way of processing all of the different stuff that you are going through right now.
On to a great Sunday!
The shower was good. The walk I took yesterday in the heat to get ice cream and cheesecake was a bit rough. Still enjoyed the ice cream and cheesecake and read for the rest of the evening.
It was an interesting dream, like I was both writing (which I’ve been thinking of doing for a little bit) and living what I wrote, but it was so familiar because it was from an entirely different story written by someone else. I felt so bad!
In dream about writing is supposed to mean communication, but my personal association with writing is creativity. Both of those combined with the stolen stories and my feelings of guilt could be me being my own worst enemy as I write and stop myself from continuing or posting because I don’t feel it is original enough.
