My 7 Cups Dream Journal

I am so glad that your energy is slowly coming back. An hour of dishes doesn't sound like fun, but I bet you felt quite accomplished afterwards. @integrityblues

That’s true.

It may not have been a lot of dishes but I cleared one side of the sink and loaded up my dish rack. It had just been so very long since I’d focused on doing that chore that it took much longer with extra scrubbing.

Hopefully today you had even more energy! @integrityblues

I did way too much and ended up laying down and napping all afternoon. It could have been worse

I dreamt I was eating a huge burrito, and when I say huge I mean that it was as big as my arm.

I overslept and missed my alarm this morning. I had less than fifteen minutes to take all my meds, eat something, then start my Zoom call with my job developer.

I got very excited because during the meeting I got an email about my new laptop being ready to pick up from my nearby DOR office.

I took a shower and once my hair was dry I went to the office. It turned out that I completely forgot that I was also getting a printer too.

All of it came in a huge heavy box that they had to move with a cart and I immediately told them that I had come there on a bus and that I’d not be able to handle such a large package, that I hadn’t been told the dimensions and that I would have loved to be told!

They said I could come back another day to do it but I was struck by how stupid I felt as I was answering questions about did I know anyone who had a car or did I have a car? I told them everyone I knew was busy, but said I’d make some calls and come back.

I left to find the bus stop and was consumed with thoughts of self- harm over what I’d call my personal failure in the moment even if I know logically it’s just an inconvenience or something not going to plan that only highlights how difficult it is for me to get things done without needing help from others. It’s been awhile since I got so close to giving into the thought and planning how I was going to do it, and between texting my aunts with the computer news and asking for help, I’d also told my friend about the computer news but asked if we could talk when I got home?

I’d also started panicking and thought I was misremembering what the front desk DOR people told me about when I could pick up my new laptop and bring a ride, so I emailed my counselor and asked about how long the laptop would remain at that location saying that the soonest I could get help would be next Wednesday.

I didn’t hear back from my friend till I was home with Taco Bell I shouldn’t have gotten (but felt like a better option then physically harming myself) and brought home a prescription refill since it was on the way.

My friend told me that she couldn’t talk because she was going to a baseball game, and since I hadn’t mentioned the rising self-harm thoughts to her yet I decided to not say anything about it because I didn’t want to ruin her night out.

I instead told her to have a nice time, that I’d work through some stuff in therapy tomorrow and that today had just been unfortunately timed in addition to everything (but I didn’t add that it was also poorly timed because I’ve been quietly anxious over my upcoming hysteroscopy on Friday), and because I was trying to really sell how okay I was I asked her to tell me who I’m supposed to boo in order to support her team. I teasingly booed the Rays and told her to have a nice time.

I ate my dinner, watched YouTube, and much later texted my aunt who is going on a trip starting Friday (which ruins the vague plan I’d made to ask her for help during my hysteroscopy appointment, and now I know my other aunt is busy with work all week too). I told her that though I hadn’t heard back from my counselor yet that I was sure that it would still be there by Wednesday, the day she offered. I thanked her for her help and asked her to have a nice time on her trip.

That sounds like a day with lots of moving parts, but there were lots of great elements in there. Maybe the burrito was the sign of a day with lots to chew on.

It is okay that you were a little overwhelmed figuring out the logistics of pick up. You did nothing wrong. I know that the self harm thoughts surprised you but I think that came out of moving up and down emotionally so quickly from excitement to panic. They should not of expected you to be able to carry all of that.

Taco Bell is actually great if you are choosing between that and self-harming. But do let your friends know when things suddenly take a nose-dive. You can do it as a little mention rather than a big one, but you will feel better if you do. The therapy session tomorrow will help you sort through things more. 

Not supporting the Rays, huh?? They are actually my team (just joking, I don't care that much. But they are actually our local franchise and we go about once a year to a game). It is a small world.

Ok, so the anxiety over the hysteroscopy appointment. I can imagine that is weighing on you quite a bit too. What kinds of things are you doing to work all of that out? Sending lots of peace.

Focus on the fact that you are figuring out how to get all of the stuff to you. You will do this and you will get a printer too. @integrityblues

I dreamt very little. I was constantly tossing and turning then woke up finally around 4 a.m. to prepare for my big gynecologist appointment.

I pushed all the trash cans and recycle bins off the curb as quietly as I could before 6 a.m. so everything was ready for my neighbor who agreed to give me a hand this afternoon and haul it all back for me.

I got to my appointment early because the only other option was to get there late on the bus.

The appointment went as well as I expected it to.

I spoke with the gynecologist and I changed the type of medicine I take to regulate my period because my birth control hasn’t been working as well over the last year or so. I’ll start taking Medroxyprogesterone for ten days a month to trigger a period.

The actual hysteroscopy had its painful moments. I experienced enough pain when the speculum was inserted that a second gynecologist examined my cervix to make sure that I didn’t have Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.

I knew I’d have to have a local because the only other pain management I’d gotten was two ibuprofen I’d taken before I left the house and a big ibuprofen shot I got once I was settled in the examination room. There were three shots of lidocaine injected on or around my cervix- the first was a simple pinch, I barely felt the second, and the third one was the deepest and most awful.

After that they prepared the little camera that was going in along with a tube that would inflate my uterus with fluid so it was easier to see things. I was sort of like a water balloon for a little bit, but they turned the screen so I could see what they were examining. There were no large fibroids or polyps, but they found a small one and another on my cervix.

They did a D&C to remove the polyps they could see and some endometrial tissue that was preparing to detach with my upcoming period. They took samples for testing, detached me from the various tools, and let me rest while the nurse set up my next appointment. I was able to clean up, get dressed, and shoved the sort of warm heat pack used during the procedure into the front of my jeans so the cramps wouldn’t bother me too much.

I got home and spoke to my mom like she asked, told my older sister the good news about the procedure being done, and let my aunts know.

I’ve been resting with a heating pad for the cramps.

When I had mine done, the actual procedure was very much the worst part of it. I hope that your cramps are okay this evening.

You did a good job. Be happy that it is done.@integrityblues

Yeah, it wasn’t comfortable but between all the numbing and how much more painful I find a speculum and any effort to dilate me, I would take it.

my cramps are mild and though I’m still bleeding it isn’t as bad as when it was freshly done. I’m going to walk to the store to get some food.

thanks bestVase. I’m very happy that it’s done for now. Just have to keep watch for more polyps.

That all sounds like good news. I am hoping that things are even better for you today. @integrityblues

Thanks. It’s been a day of eating and sleeping. I’m so sore in my legs though

I took a nap this afternoon and dreamt that I was cleaning up outside and listening to tenant complaints about dumped trash in the back of our property. I found a set of doors that were removed and stuffed behind our trash cans.

As I turned around I suddenly found myself in a bedroom that I thought was my mother’s. It wasn’t but as I was going to leave I noticed a large snake, a strange cobra rattlesnake hybrid so it had both a hood and a rattle, that was writhing in some kind of web stuck on the wall.

It was well constructed enough that it was nearly a bubble that contained it but I was stuck on the spot staring at it because I was sure that once I looked away it would get away and hide somewhere to bite my mother. I kept wondering how it got in and kept glancing at a locked doggie door on the wall and looking back at the snake.

Someone else came in, that same complaining neighbor, and stared at the snake with me. She decided that the best thing to do would be to get it off the wall but I wanted to make sure I could trap it before it could hide somewhere else.

She took this aerosol spray can and began spraying the snake web. It dissolved the web and freed the snake, but I don’t know what happened next because I woke up.

Ugh. I must admit that I am not a fan of snakes. It sounds like you were trying to protect your mom though and that you had people on your side helping. @integrityblues

Though I’d never own one as a pet, I don’t mind non poisonous snakes.

An old roommate had a couple. One was a little ribbon snake- (because my friend would routinely forget his feedings and wonder why he was so aggressively trying to escape his tank) I’d do it on my off time and fetch the little feeder fish and pour them into his water bowl. It was kind of nice to watch the snake dart his head down in the dish then pop back up with a wriggling mouthful.

Dreaming of snakes can be about change or transformation, sometimes anxiety related to health issues.

Judging by the context of the snake being in what I identified as my mother’s room, it could be referring to a recent talk I had with my mom about oxygen. My mom needs oxygen but she doesn’t believe she needs it if she isn’t in the middle of a COPD flare. She told me that she feels fine and doesn’t think there’s anything wrong, and that she doesn’t want anyone making her do things she doesn’t want to do or pushing her on the issue- like before when she blocked us for months. So I took the hint and let it go only to go over it with a snake in my dream.

I like the idea of transformation in your way of thinking. I know that you worry (and with good reason), but your mom is really stubborn about pushing you away when she doesn't want to do what she needs to. Settling into a place of calm for yourself is better for both of you. @integrityblues

That’s true. She just doesn’t want to do anything that makes her look at the important stuff head on.

It is a coping mechanism for her unluckily. But it makes your time together more precious in a way. I hope that you are having a good day!

I’m having an okay day. I actually made meatloaf for dinner and had a salad.

My mom got sick again, a relapse into this stomach bug plus fever that’s going around. She stayed in bed all day yesterday, started to feel hungry, but doesn’t have much because she tossed out a lot of food she just bought that she thought was making her sick.

I went over her options with her, discussed what she could cook for herself and how she could treat the fever if she didn’t want to take her Advil PM.

I mentioned that I was making the meatloaf in a muffin tin and she really warmed to the idea of getting a small portion of since I said I’d take her a care package when me and my sister go to see her when she and my younger sister are feeling better and not contagious.

She also let it slip that my younger sister is probably back with her ex who went to jail. They’d come over at some point so he could haul away my mom’s ruined couch, the one that had borne the brunt of my mom and sister’s illness, and threw it out in the trash for her. I don’t have a good feeling about them being together again but it isn’t my business it’s nothing I can control.

I just hope my mom starts to feel better.

Glad that YOU had a good day.

You are dealing with things well emotionally. Yes, all you can do at this point is offer the mini-meatloaf. I wouldn't have a good feeling either, but if you can stay focused on you and doing stuff for the job search, etc. you will remain stronger for your mom and sister. @integrityblues

Yes. My mom isn’t doing better today but refuses to go into detail about it, so I’m leaving her alone.

I got a brand new laptop, printer, and other equipment from the DOR with my aunt’s help! The box was so heavy because in addition to a printer and laptop it came with a massive package of printer paper.

I’m just getting annoyed with the interview requests I’m getting from places I haven’t applied to though they say I have. I looked up the companies and the latest one sounds like a dumpster fire that makes some of their employees knock on doors to try and sell stuff like cable or phone company stuff. It may not be the job I applied for but I find it unsettling enough.

I have a job development meeting tomorrow so I’m not feeling very excited to give my developer bad news.

I’m so frustrated.

My mom got in touch with me to say that my younger sister who was supposed to go on a three week trip to stay somewhere else with her dog and ex, who is just her boyfriend now I guess, has come back to our mom’s place. My mom refused to explain.

I’m also upset because I haven’t received my travel money yet. It might come tomorrow but that’s what I said yesterday and the day before. I’m getting antsy because I overspent this month and don’t have enough to cover my credit card bill.

If it doesn’t come tomorrow I’ll have to ask one of my aunts for 27 bucks. I’m sure they’d be willing to help I just feel so awful having to ask.

Sorry for all the mini frustrations. Sometimes they pile up on top of one another.

You are allowed to refuse the jobs that look dodgy. I think that your job developer will appreciate that. Your health makes certain jobs simply not worth it. I am so glad that you finally got the new computer and printer.

Focus on the new computer rather than your mom and sister. Keep working on not letting yourself get sucked into the drama.

Are you still caring for yourself food and drink wise? I hope that the money situation settles itself soon. @integrityblues

I haven’t been taking care of myself as well as I should. Money is a bit short this close to the end of the month, and I’m so damned tired. I haven’t eaten anything today, just drinking some water, but I have to get up and make something easy.

I think I can make a packet of ramen. If I had more energy I’d try to make pancakes with sugar free raspberry preserves since I’m out of syrup, or peanut butter cookies.

Yeah, I’ll have a nice soup and maybe a couple of spoonfuls of peanut butter.

The community cat that I’m friends with was hit by a car this morning. I saw it all happen. He was able to run away down an alley, and me and my neighbor’s friend went down the alley to see if we could find him. Another neighbor walked with me down the alley again later to see if we could ask around or spot him. No luck.

I stuck around outside doing more Friday trash day chores even though I didn’t want to anymore, but I wanted to see if the cat would emerge from his hiding place. I just want to see if he’s okay.

Ooh that cat incident sounds so traumatic. I am sorry that you had to see it. I will pray for the cat with you.

I am glad that you began to think about finding something to eat. Ramen and peanut butter sound fine. Keep reminding yourself that not eating anything will not give you enough energy to survive anything else.

Sending lots of strength and peace. @integrityblues

Thanks.

Hoping that things feel better today. @integrityblues

It’s not much better but I’m working through it.

Neither me or my neighbor have seen the cat who was hit, just other cats and raccoons.

I took a nice shower and eventually had something to eat this afternoon when I realized my travel money still hadn’t come in the mail.

My aunt is going to help me pay the 26 dollars I owe for my credit card that I was overdrawn for because I was counting on the travel money coming in on time. She’s busy now but we can take care of it before it’s due.

I had a call with my mom this morning and it was nice. She was sorry that she hadn’t answered me yesterday. She hasn’t been told if anything bad happened to drive my younger sister back to her.

I’m just so worn out.

I know. Seeing the cat was hard on top of everything else.

But I am glad that you had a good conversation with your mom. Focus on that moment.

Keep finding a way to eat something and drink water.

You are going to make it. This is just another bump. @integrityblues

It’s probably something I’m going to have to work through in therapy, and in the meantime I’ll hold myself together and focus on important tasks.

I have no Memorial Day plans so I’ll dedicate my time to cleaning up the house and other chores that I’ve been ignoring. I’ll return a book to the library too.

You are right about working it through in therapy. That is the box to place it all in for now.

I hope that you had a relaxed Memorial Day. What kind of book were you reading? Did you pick up another one? 

I have just started a novel called "Niccolo Rising". It has lots of names so I am still deciding how I feel about it. 

Stay focused on the here and now. My moment of peace this morning was going on a very nice walk in search of some new birds. What kinds of things did you do to connect to your senses?

My therapist canceled my appointment today. I got a call from the office about it when I was halfway there. I turned around hopped on the bus so I could drop off my book. It was A Court of Thorns and Roses.

I took a walk home from the library instead of taking another bus. I’m really frustrated about not getting to talk to my therapist today so once I was home I made a smoothie and did nothing.

I don’t really feel peace exactly. And even though I feel like garbage about the cat I was able to enjoy the sight of the dogs being walked as I passed by on my way home.

It is rough when therapists have to cancel. I can understand your frustration.

But there were some good things in your message - you walked home which allows you to exercise and see things like the dog. You also had a smoothie which is a nice way to get nutrition and something cold. So you cared for yourself.

Onward to tomorrow which I hope will be better!

My peaceful moment today was seeing a mother duck with tons of ducklings. @integrityblues

I hope tomorrow is better.

So how was it?@integrityblues

Not much better. My mom didn’t go to an important cat scan and my younger sister isn’t helping my mom at all. She keeps telling my mom that she has worms (I have no idea if she’s telling the truth or is just on drugs) so I told my mom to just wash her hands.

I just learned that my rent is going up by over $80 and remembered that I’m losing a discount on my internet making it twice as expensive. I think I can cover it but I’m so stressed out over all of it happening now.

When it begins to feel like it is piling up, take a step back and a deep breath. Lots of deep breathing is always good. Are you eating and drinking liquids okay?

You have no control over your mom or sister, so you have to let them go for a bit. That may mean calling or texting them minimally less often (like every other day if you have been doing every day or every three days) so that you can keep that space for you. They will be okay for those brief moments. If they contact you feel free to contact them back, but initiate calls and texts a little less.

The financial stuff will work itself out as it has in the past. I know prices are higher but you will figure out how to manage. How has the job hunt been going? @integrityblues

I really have been trying to not contact her as much. Seeing the cat get hit by the car has made me text or call more. It’s been a week, he might be dead and I’m so depressed.

I’m eating when I can bring myself to get out of bed. I’m now out of food that I can easily cook between the fact the dishes are hard to do and I didn’t get my travel funds yet. I made cookies yesterday. I got an email from Dominos about a pizza deal and I had 60 points available to get a free pizza this evening. I just had to order and pick it up from the one that was 10 minutes away from my house.

I’m exhausted but I’ve eaten.

I’ve been applying to jobs that turned out to be scams. I’m now hesitant to apply though I’ve got six more leads (really 3-4 after I checked the distance for some) and said I’d try to apply today but stayed in bed and read a book but got out of bed long enough to haul the trash cans out.

I’m thinking of trying to apply to those before bed because my job developer wanted to help by getting in contact with the companies.

You are doing as well as you can. I know what a hard week it has been. Have you been able to get in touch with your therapist to reschedule?

You have eaten something so that is good. I hope that you are able to find enough energy to do more today.

It is good that your job developer is going to help you hunt out which jobs are scams. That isn't easy to do. You are going to find something.

This coming week will be better on some front. I am sure. Just hang in there. @integrityblues

I was told I’d hear back from someone in a week to reschedule. If it doesn’t happen I’ll leave a message for her.

I got my SSDI check early, so I made sure to get my bills in order, even deleting the old and setting up the new autopay for the rent because the price has increased. I was a little bummed when I realized that since I pay a month early I’d have to dish out the larger amount of money right now, but it’s fine. I can handle it and I’ll use this as greater incentive to find work.

I was able to get lunch and after I rested I took a walk to the store to pick up ice cream and a couple of Yahrzeit candles; one for my dad whose death anniversary is on the 3rd and one for my friend in July.

I’m frustrated that my mom hasn’t contacted me today (yesterday’s scheduled call was only ten minutes long and she promised we’d talk again) but I’ve only texted her, not tried to call. It’s possible that she’s just busy or dealing with my younger sister or actually sleeping.