My 7 Cups Dream Journal

I got an endometrial biopsy taken today. It wasn’t comfortable at all, not that it’s supposed to be, but the dr decided that it would be good to get the sample and rule out cancer. Not that we know for sure, it’s just precautionary. They’ll get back to me in four weeks.

I’m just resting now and preparing for the call with my primary tomorrow about my lingering cold.

I am so sorry. I was hoping to get a chance to warn you that the biopsy was painful but I wanted to wait until you knew that you were going to have it. But that is the worst of it. There isn't pain afterwards. I hope that you get some results soon.

It’s okay bestVase.

It sounded like it was a choice made right then and there, it was even phrased as a suggestion along with maybe giving me an iud (I didn’t agree to the iud because I’m more comfortable taking the oral birth control). I agreed to the sample even though I knew it was going to suck a lot, and the dr was very nice throughout.

The sample itself wasn’t as painful as all the work it took to get my dumb possibly titled cervix in view, find the right speculum (it took three different attempts because I’m small), and then have to start it all over to put the speculum and tubing back in place because the angle wasn’t right.

I cried like a child. I wished someone could hold my hand but I was so tense that I started getting cramps in my arms and legs and I ended up having to hug myself to keep still.

When it was over I hurt, but they’d made sure to numb me and I took ibuprofen beforehand so it probably wasn’t as bad as it could have been. I took more ibuprofen once I was home, I took two of my pads and layered them for twice the protection.

First night was the worst with all the cramps and bleeding. It’s gotten better but I’m now waiting for my real period that was supposed to begin the day of the appointment.

I’ve been really broken up over the fact that all through this all I want is to be comforted by my mom. I feel stupid.

You are not stupid at all. I would have cried like a baby too. Wanting your mom when you couldn't have her is very, very normal.

I had time to prep for mine and I think that I took something to calm myself beforehand. You had none of that. Instead you had to be tremendously brave and you were.

I did end up having the IUD put in with mine. That is pretty painless (but not completely so). It took a few months but it really helped make things calm down in a way that oral hormones didn't. I am happy with that decision.

Things will feel easier in the next few days. @integrityblues

I dreamt that I had been invited back into my old friend group for a sleepover/movie night. I was conflicted because I was sure that something was going to go wrong since I’d be seeing a former friend who screwed me over.

Her mom was there too and I was just very uncomfortable. Then at some point I went outside and realized that what I thought was their apartment building was actually also a homeless shelter with really mean occupants I had to avoid while I was outside and my friends and the mother weren’t acknowledging.

Then all these cats started showing up and was sort of concerned as one of them took a shine to me. It was a kitten with big ears that I kept calling Dobby, like from Harry Potter. I sort of began trying to take care of it but I got so upset with myself and the whole situation that I left that place. Oddly enough when I made the decision to leave the kitten disappeared too.

What an interesting combination of images. I felt like you were the one who was acting most responsibly in a space that you didn't want to be in within your dream. But you got rewarded with a kitten. I think that we all need kittens some days to help us get through. @integrityblues

It really was a sweet kitten. No idea why I named it after a house elf.

Maybe you need a house elf in your life right now. @integrityblues

I dreamt that I was going to college again and I was frustrated by how little I was achieving my goals in life and that someone else was doing better than me that I decided that I wasn’t going to my next classes and took my professors advice (she turned out to be be my real life editing professor) and dragged my stuff to where I’d be most comfortable; I walked to our library where it turned out that the second you entered your phone would access the library website that had a few questions on the page about how you were feeling.

I typed overwhelmed and then found a stripped orange cat that I picked up and held as I continued through the library to find something to read. I found two books and picked a comfortable place to read with the cat purring on my lap.

More cats and a library. That sounds like a good dream. @integrityblues

It was a nice way to end a sort of anxious dream.

Maybe it is a sign that your next week will be more peaceful. @integrityblues

I had an awful night. Went to bed after midnight and proceeded to have a vivid nightmare about living an episode of American Horror Story (because I recognized Evan Peters, of course) where the season was all about being trapped in a house and getting possessed by demonic spirits or something if you didn’t follow specific rules for a game- the worst part was that the others including Evan Peters would suffer some punishment or bit of irony related to how they’d played the game.

The game would begin with each of us secretly writing down what we were willing to bargain with so that could be taken in the end if we lost.

For example a woman had bargained a few years of her life but by the end of the game she was dead then possessed. I was only willing to say that I wanted to get out of there alive and safe because I didn’t have anything to valuable to give.

The game was played several times, many of them being fake-outs where I thought we were safe but it wasn’t true.

I was startled awake in the midst of one of the more terrifying fake-outs, so I stayed awake at 5 a.m. and waited for the lingering “am I still dreaming?” worries to calm down.

Today wasn’t a very good day aside from that. Since I’ve been feeling sick I procrastinated on applying for some jobs. I did apply for one yesterday and tried to take another CalCareers exam because I could have sworn it included a typing test that was required for the job I was contacted about.

I had my meeting with my job developer and she told me that I did good but that I need to apply more quickly and follow up with them. I spent some time this afternoon trying to find the information that would allow me to do that with the jobs I’ve applied for most recently but didn’t find contact numbers or whatever.

I’m worried that I’m not doing as well as I should be.

You are trying and you are figuring things out. No day is going to be perfect. Your job coach thinks like you are making a solid effort. That is what matters right now. You get back on the horse tomorrow and try again.

I am sorry about the bad dream. Nightmares like that are never fun. Maybe it was related to your general feeling that you aren't doing the whole job thing right. But you really are. You are going to find something. But the tension of not knowing plays into all parts of your life.

What kinds of things do you to relax after you are finished job hunting for the day? @integrityblues

I try to lay down, watch tv or movies, or play a video game. I’ve been so tired lately that I mostly just rest. I think it’s the depression and the unexplained cough/sore throat I’m recovering from.

Tomorrow I’m going to do more mock interviews with my job developer.

I'm trying to focus more on these tasks because I’ve been thinking of trying to contact my mom even though it won’t do anything good for either of us. I spent too much time today feeling miserable and thinking of texting her while looking at older messages.

I eventually stopped focusing on that so I could take a shower, drag my building’s trash cans out for trash day tomorrow, then made pancakes for lunch.

Focus on that last stuff. You did manage to get to shower and pancakes. The mock interview stuff is also good.

Maybe try to create a plan for something different to do when you get tempted to doom scroll through those old messages. Some small exercise, watering a plant, reading a book, watching some YouTube or Netflix?

You are doing all of this and it is going to get easier. I am here to cheer you on. @integrityblues

I gave in to the urge to text my mom since I’ve been dealing with it all week. I didn’t feel much better after since I was pretty sure she wasn’t going to answer, but I texted my older sister to say I broke and tried too. Texted my aunts to keep them informed. That and I wanted support too. One of them had been asking me if I’ve heard from mom at all as if my mom was going to stop hurting us with her silence but it’s been a month now.

I’ve been coloring but it hurts my hands. I’ve been thinking about getting a small plant. My best friend said she’d paint a flower pot for me if I decided to choose a plant. I’m also trying to get back to using my cycler once a day while I watch YouTube or Netflix since I’ve not been as active with this cold and sore throat I’ve been fighting all month. It’s finally starting to get better since I finished the antibiotics and used the cough syrup and medicinal mouthwash that kills bacteria. I’ve been slacking off on the cough syrup since I’m not coughing and the irritation of my throat is bearable, I just can’t handle how drowsy the syrup and allergy meds have made me.

I might have to start cleaning up our buildings stairwells and hallways because the upstairs tenants have been complaining since it’s dirty- I explained to whomever texted from my management company that I wouldn’t know when they were last cleaned because it was never something I was asked to handle. I was worried that I was going to be held accountable for something I was never expected to do. After my Zoom call I figured it would be best for me to say that I’d be willing to try and do it if they could figure out how I’ll be entering spaces that I don’t have the keys for. I’ll hear back eventually.

I’m just happy I got to pet a friendly dog today and finished listening to an audio book. If I keep up with the chores and job development tasks I want to finish this weekend I might make peanut butter cookies to celebrate.

Thank you, bestVase.

Focus on what you can handle and don't worry about taking on more. Focus on the lives of your family members who are in contact, your aunts and your sister. They are important too and you all need one another right now.

I love the idea of a plant. When my husband's mom died last April, my sister sent us an orchid. I kill plants, but I actually managed to have it bloom a second time. So right now I like orchids a great deal.

It is great that you were able to focus on petting the dog and listening to an audio book. Those are solid activities to help break the depression. My moment of peace today was putting up some decorations for Easter. I have a feeling that the cats will soon find the plastic eggs and start batting them around the house though...@integrityblues

Thanks. I had a nice long conversation with one of my aunts this morning, and it was nice.

I managed to finally get outside and pick up some shopping, then the second I got home and was out of a sudden drizzle, I took a long shower.

I’ve just finished sorting my laundry and changing my sheets. I have lots of chores to do and errands for tomorrow, but I also have to fit in time to follow up on the jobs I’ve applied for and make calls. I should have done it on Friday and I feel kind of silly for that.

A nice conversation and a good shower are perfect. I am glad that you found some moments of peace.

You will get to the chores and the job stuff. Feeling guilty about Friday doesn't help on Sunday. You can just say that now is when you are supposed to do those things.

My moment today was one of a more cosmic connection. Today the pastor at our church was talking about how many stars there are in our galaxy. He had 42 containers of salt to demonstrate. Imagine that each grain of salt in the container is one star. Then imagine it isn't 42 containers but 76000 containers. That is the number of stars in just our galaxy. He just started pouring one container of salt out all over the floor like snow. It was kind of cool to imagine all of the stars. May you imagine stars this evening. 

I had a dream about being in the hospital. I waited forever but eventually was seen by a nurse who showed me what was supposed to be an MRI of my head. It showed at least three big glowing lesions in my brain (3 out of 4 of my real life MS lesions that aren’t that big) hinting at activity I haven’t seen since my initial diagnosis. In addition to that I had something new in my mouth, and when I pointed it out to her she said that was the cancer in my throat and mouth.

I got scared and recalled other dreams where I’d go to the dr about it but they’d never treat me for it, saying that it wasn’t a problem.

Once I woke up I was able to sort through that and it was likely because my throat has begun bothering me again now that I’m out of allergy pills. I’m using the cough syrup at night before bed and continuing to use the mouth rinse and nasal spray.

I did a good job for my meeting yesterday.

The day before I’d gotten to work on all the tasks I’d procrastinated over- I did follow-ups for the recent jobs I applied for and I haven’t heard back from (one of them lead to a game of phone tag as I was given the wrong contact information and my emails were being bounced back but the guy as nice and gave me the extension for the person I should be speaking to, and the other lead me to panicking as I was about to leave a message and hung up). I took more assessments for office technician jobs on CalCareers but I didn’t meet the minimum requirements for either the LEAP or normal one and didn’t get to take the Math, English, or grammar and spelling tests. I’d also replied to an email from my Work Incentives Planner and set a Zoom appointment with her for next week.

My job developer was happy with my progress but gave me homework for interviews (something I totally forgot was due yesterday because I didn’t write it down) so once the meeting was over I answered all my interview questions and emailed them back to her. I also tried to contact the person I was given the extension for but each time I tried her phone was busy and I couldn’t leave a message. Our next meeting is tomorrow because I’ve got a hematologist appointment on Friday.

I’m glad that I’m getting things done since it helps to take my attention off my absent mom.

You really are making some solid progress on the job front. You should be quite proud of yourself. You are being so persistent with everything, even with the stuff that is scary and you don't want to do. I am excited for you.

I know that the medical stuff causes anxiety that hits during your dreams. But you are processing that as well.

Missing your mom is hard but you are managing it. So a successful week is worthy of praise.

Did you have any moments where you felt really connected to the world that you enjoyed? Mine today was eating some strawberries which are heavily in season where I live. Otherwise my day was just really busy. @integrityblues

Thanks bestVase.

I guess I’ve been trying to reconnect with things that I used to like to do- went back and looked and some old writing and felt sort of inspired to begin again and pick up where I left off.

It wasn’t necessarily connecting to the world but I eventually found great pleasure in problem solving a mess one of my fellow tenants left in the back of our property.

They dumped a broken trash can and a medicine cabinet with a mirror that they’d taken off their wall, I guess. At first I was going to bag the whole medicine cabinet but it was too big and had screws sticking out that tore it up. Then I dragged out my toolkit and stood on my stoop to tear apart and unscrew stuff on the medicine cabinet till I had the mirrored door off of the cabinet. I double bagged it because mirrors or glass have to be wrapped in plastic. Then I threw all of it away in our cans. Of course now I’m worrying about what will happen when the garbage men find the mirror. If I really wanted too I could wake up early and shatter the mirror, then sweep it up and bag it. Bad luck be damned.

I guess a nice thing I experienced was when I got back from the store and was unpacking my groceries. I opened a fresh package of Dove soap and the scent of an original beauty bar was very nice. I’ve wanted to treat myself to something that wasn’t Irish Spring or Dial for once.

All of that stuff is excellent. Getting something cleaned up satisfactorily is always a victory. You did a nice job problem solving it.

And the soap sounds great. It is nice when you can go back over a day and remember a detail like that. It really helps to keep all of the depression villains at bay by focusing your attention briefly on the good even if you have to force yourself to do it.

My moment today was probably walking around a lake early this morning. There were a few remaining white pelicans. Those birds are just giant and I am always surprised by their size when I see them. They should be too big and heavy to take off from the ground. @integrityblues

This dream was weird.

I was at a store that sold video games. I was trying to find one for my PS2 but also found these bizarre products that were living kittens in plastic eggs. I guess the idea was once you opened the egg the kitten was born but wouldn’t require a mother cat to feed it or keep it warm. It would be your cat to care for then.

At first I chose my game then picked up one of the kitten eggs, then walked around the store before putting the egg back, thinking it would take way too much effort for me to care for it.

I was then walking home with my game and checked the bag to see that one of the eggs made its way in there without my knowledge. I began panicking and dropped the egg on the pavement. The plastic shell broke and I raced back to the store with the egg and I explained everything while crying. That I didn’t know how it got in my bag but I didn’t want the kitten to be hurt after the fall it took.

The people at the video game store were very understanding and took the kitten egg from me so they could care for it (hopefully it became a store cat) and asked me to pay 20 dollars for the damage (because even though I didn’t steal it my possession of it lead to its damage).

That is an interesting dream. I kind of like the kitten part especially. But you really showed your tender-hearted side in how much you wanted to make sure that it was okay. @integrityblues

I think if I wasn’t woken up by an arm cramp I’d have visited the shop again to visit that kitten

Maybe the kitten will come back in another dream soon....@integrityblues

I woke up this morning from a dream where I’d lost 4 teeth. I’d clenched and ground them in much smaller versions (somehow) that fell out as soon as I touched them, so it looked like I was spitting out TicTacs instead of teeth.

I really should just go to the dentist and have my teeth looked at to get a good idea about the state of them. My aunt recently pressed me on what I’ve done about it and I’d said that I had a lot to worry about but I’d try to make an appointment since I’d recently gotten my new patient cards for the new dentist.

Dentists are necessary, but I understand the anxiety. I always go in and explain that I am a very anxious patient. If they aren't kind enough then I find another dentist. But do go sooner rather than later. Dental health is important for the rest of your body health and your mental health. It will also probably be a bit before you can get an appointment. So do it in mini steps. @integrityblues

Dreamed that I had a 10 cm growth in my uterus. Likely just in response to me worrying about my phone appointment coming up this week to talk about my real life biopsy results.

When that kind of stuff ends up in your dreams that is never fun. I am sorry. I hope that you have the results that you need soon. The waiting is often the worse part of it. Sending lots of peace.

How has your weekend been so far otherwise? @integrityblues

my weekend has been very tiring but I’m preparing for that call, another job development meeting, then a resume writing workshop I’ll attend virtually with my job developer.

You are doing great things and moving in a good direction. I know having such things hanging over your head makes it all harder, but you aren't letting any of that stop you right now. I am impressed. @integrityblues

Thank you. I haven’t felt like I’ve done much good lately. I’ve been dragging but I’m also getting better at getting most tasks completed the day before my appointments.

I’m calling to make an appointment with my dentist tomorrow too!

You are getting much better at getting closer to a job by making all of those appointments and keeping on top of things. And now the dentist too! Good job. @integrityblues

I called to make a dentist appointment today and they happened to have something for this afternoon. I agreed to it and then I fretted over it while I did my laundry and prepared.

It took a long time between them running behind on other appointments and my insurance company not clearing me for something till the last minute, I guess.

I got X-rays then got to speak with the dentist about my teeth, my gums, and the fact that I’d not gotten dental care since I was 9 years old.

She looked at my teeth and said that I’d actually taken decent care of them considering my history.

I need a stage 2 cleaning with scaling. I also have 3 cavities.

I made an appointment to come back on Monday and I’ll make another appointment, but now I don’t remember which is happening first. I also have no idea what my copays are going to be since they only said it would be mentioned.

Admittedly I’d been thrown by the idea of the drilling and filling happening right then and mentions of an optional treatment for my gums that wasn’t covered by insurance and would cost 1,000 bucks. I’m fixated on whether or not I had to pay for something but they didn’t give me a bill or send me an email.

So I’m hoping that I don’t screw up.

I know that it feels like it happened all really fast and that you don't know what is happening next, but you aren't going to screw this up. Your teeth are already in better shape than they should be. They never say that to me and I go every six months.

They are going to do the cleaning first most likely. They want the teeth really clean before they can do any fillings. And just a few fillings isn't bad. Take it a step at a time. Figure out the copay for the cleaning and then when you schedule the next appointment then you can figure out the next one. 

You are moving in a great direction in tackling something that you put off. Go you!

Thanks. I’ve been getting so wrapped up in the dental stuff that I put off my job development stuff. I feel a little stupid for letting it go that far.

I'm going to try and get something done so I have something small to present to my job developer. I’ll probably just explain that I’d gotten overwhelmed after I said I’d try and find and apply to two jobs on my own when our last meeting was almost over. That in spite of looking for a couple days I kept finding things I didn’t think I should apply for but saved them anyway.

I got a call from my dentist and when I asked they did clarify that my upcoming appointment will be for the cleaning and that my cavities will be treated during another appointment, the copays are something my insurance should provide information for. For now I’m focusing on developing a better brushing and flossing routine.

The whole job hunt thing is tough because there are so many voices in your head saying "not that one" and "not qualified" when you actually are. So any steps forward are good steps especially with the dental stuff on top of it.

You continue to head in a great direction. Focus on what you are doing rather than the things that you miss doing. @integrityblues