My 7 Cups Dream Journal

That sounds like a lot of guilt over things that you can't control. You are doing the best thaty you can for your mom. Remember that she is going to make her own choices. They aren't yours.

Do be sure to take care of yourself the best that you can.@integrityblues

It’s just really hard. My mom ended up having to go into the first hospital because she had a massive choking fit caused by her flare. So far she’s doing okay but keeps hinting that she might leave if she’s kept under observation for too long or if they don’t essentially give her what she wants. She really wants to be put on oxygen even if it isn’t quite time for it or will weaken her lungs further.

It’s another thing I’ll discuss in therapy tomorrow.

Discussing that in therapy sounds like a good thing.

Again, your mom is making poor decisions that you can't control. It is impossible for you alone to convince her to do the work. You are doing awesome in suggesting things and trying to be supportive. She has to see herself as reaching rock bottom in order for her to change. I do think that she will eventually do that.

My mom had successful surgery today, but slowing her down is a little hard. Just like your mom, she wants to keep doing what she wants. But she will be able to drive so that will be good (but no exercise or lifting or bending). I ended up screaming at her today though because she was frustrated that her TV wouldn't work and blamed me and my family for breaking it. We really are all trying our best. @integrityblues

Therapy went well. I tried to fit in everything that’s been on my mind including a lot of the stuff with my mom.

She’s so ready to leave the hospital but was willing to wait to get the oxygen. One large tank and a smaller portable one that will be delivered to her home.

I’ve tried to get her to at least rest tonight since she could be released tomorrow. She wants to stay awake all night because she thinks the doctors and nurses are out to get her. She’s going to use the sink to clean the clothes she messed up during her fit and had to sit in for hours before she was changed into a gown.

I’m hoping that she will get her paperwork, get her oxygen delivered, and get back home so she can rest.

I’m glad that your mother’s surgery went well and I hope that she takes the time to rest (and also lay off of you and your family).

I had an unsettling dream that me, my little sister, and mother were staying in a hotel room. For some reason we had cats or were watching someone’s cats, and they made a horrible mess by peeing and pooping all over the floor. I was so overwhelmed that once my mom and sister got back inside I started shouting to them to avoid the messes but I guess they didn’t.

This somehow lead to my mother trying to throw me out, blaming my self harm I recently told her about and saying I can’t stay if I want to unalive myself. I felt so betrayed that she was exposing what I shared with her with my other extended family who suddenly showed up.

I left to find another room to stay in with a friend but when I briefly stepped out and came back the door was left wide open and my key snapped when I tried using it to lock the door again. I figured out I could still use the key if I was careful about how I held it when inserting it into the lock.

Though the dream was rough maybe the most important part was the end where the key still fit in the lock if you were careful. It reminds you that you are going to find a way through this. Worrying about others is overwhelming right now, but the center piece is you. What are you doing to care for you right now? You can't care for your mom or your sister if you aren't caring for you. @integrityblues

I dreamt I was eating a massive bowl of cereal. I think it was Cocoa Puffs mixed with granola.

my mom is finally home from the hospital but now she’s set on being angry at her visit and a million other reasons. They’d began treating her like she was going to unalive herself and took away her bag and her cellphone charger and the curtains. Since her new oxygen tanks were delivered while she was at the hospital still she wasn’t shown how to use them and is freaking out right now.

I sent her videos and website links that showed most of the steps and she sounds so depressed. I’m just so frustrated because I can’t do anything else for her, and she refused my final bit of advice since this is starting to sound like an emergency: call 911 and explain that she’s old and got home from the hospital without learning how to put together her oxygen tank. Her COPD is so bad now that she won’t be able to last the night without it and I hope she tries.

I am so sorry about the oxygen tanks. They should have shown her how to use them or at least given her a phone number to call if she had any questions in general after being released. You did come up with some excellent ways of solving the problem. I hope that she takes your suggestions. Praying for calm and peace for you.  @integrityblues

It just keeps getting worse. Now she’s driving all of us away, demanding we don’t call, text, or do another welfare check to get the fire department over to at least get the oxygen tanks working.

she told me this morning that she couldn’t get help for anything from anyone then told me not to try. Later on she called my older sister because she has no food and can’t reach the store but when my sister offered to have some delivered to her mom freaked out and eventually hung up.

I tried speaking to her and she told me to stop it and hung up. She told me to stop it after I texted advice one last time.

Now my older sister has had to call the hospital to figure out if our mom has anything contagious (I was worried it could be C.diff but she’s just having accidents as she chokes) and that she’d been shown how to use her tanks and what to set them on. She’s arranged to have a care manager call our mom to set up the oxygen.

I hope it works and my mom stops drawing away, I also hope she doesn’t block our numbers.

…and I just got the text from my sister that our mother refused the help from case management. Now her case is being forwarded to complex case management .

What a frustrating day for you! I am so so sorry. But complex case management are the best people to call in right now. They deal with cases like your mom's regularly.

Your mom is making the poor decisions. She wants to blame anyone but herself. But she is the only one to blame. You are doing the best that you can.

Repeat this mantra "I offer my mom love and caring. It is enough. I am enough." Then be sure to make room to care for yourself. @integrityblues

Thanks.

I have been thinking about you and hope that today was at least a little better. @integrityblues

Thanks bestVase.

It hasn’t been an easy day. Today is usually the day when me and my mom have our weekly call, and she didn’t respond to my morning text asking if it was going to be happening still. I laid in bed playing Genshin Impact. I waited all day till I tried calling her. It went straight to her voicemail and I couldn’t even leave a message because her voicemail box was full.

I finally got out of bed in the late afternoon to wash up and walk to the store while it was still daylight. I’m so tired and so worried.

I am so sorry for all of this. Do the best that you can to focus on taking care of yourself. I am sending lots of strength and hugs. 

Tomorrow you will know more. 

I dreamt that my mother suddenly wanted my help again and only sort of apologized for how she’s treated us (me and my older sister) the last few days. At first I was relieved that her stupidity was done but then was angry because she shouldn’t get to do that and expect me to help again after all this.

I am sure that it was equally rough that it was a dream rather than an actual reality that she apologized.

Sending peace and strength. I hope that things calm down a bit for you soon. @integrityblues

How are things going now? I have been thinking of you.@integrityblues

Things have been a little better between being busy and purposely reminding myself that it’s stupid to think of messaging my mom- that it won’t do anything but frustrate me. And then I get really depressed over it and continue the day.

I’ve been doing a lot of laying down and reconsidering most things that have gone wrong lately. I’ve just been so tired and frustrated, now I’m pushing forwards harder with job development stuff and resting. I just need something else to take my attention away from my mom.

I got stuck in the massive amount of rain we got here. I was soaked by the time I reached my drs appointment. Me and the dr are going to be working on my fatigue since she’s concerned about my last blood test results and my beta thalassemia. I’ll eventually get more ultrasounds and see a gynecologist, but I’ll also see a hematologist about the beta thalassemia too.

I’m not super excited about it but I’m glad it’s over. I was able to give more blood for tests and went home while it was still pouring.

Then you are doing good things and focusing on you and your needs. That is really important right now. Getting some of those medical answers will help.

Sorry about all the rain. Once you are inside and dry again that feels nice.

Sending more peace and strength.@integrityblues

I don’t remember my dream, maybe because I took my trazodone I finally got a prescription of again after my recent drs appointment.

I was stupid today and tried to text my mom. I first asked to call. Then I texted that I figured the answer was probably no so filled her in on what happened during my week: drs appointment, getting referred to a hematologist and obgyn for my beta thalassemia, and having to prepare for a transvaginal ultrasound on the 8th. That I’m sad that we don’t talk anymore but that she needs her space. Or something like that.

Now I’m reconsidering my thoughts on burning bridges by deleting her current number. I’m just so angry that she’s left me alone and doesn’t care about her health. Yeah, I’m an adult but I’ve gotten so used to being able to reach out to her for a chat to lighten either of our moods ever since September 2021 when we began talking again and I was helping her try to quit smoking that I’ve felt more and more upset about this.

I’ve texted my older sister to see if she’s heard anything from our mom but I’ve only just considered whether or not we’ve both been preemptively blocked or if she’s gotten her number changed. She’s done the same thing to her sister or her JW group.

I wouldn't delete her number because that would be just like what she did when she blocked you and your sisters in the past. Remember how bad that made you feel?

I know that you want your mom to feel bad now and I don't blame you. She definitely is quite frustrating and self absorbed.

But I think that you would regret not keeping open the lines of communication just a little. So I would send a once a week text saying how you are doing. That's it. I do believe that she will eventually feel guilty enough by her poor behavior to respond. And if she never did that and managed to get really sick then you wouldn't feel guilty for how you treated her.

So do you think that a once a week text that you then forgot about would work? Stay focused on you and only engage with your mom just for a moment once a week. @integrityblues

My sister got back to me and said that she’d tried texting her on Friday and asking to see her on Saturday but she didn’t get back to her at all.

It’s all so frustrating. I’m currently closer to not bothering with blocking or deleting her number because it would make me feel worse. I don’t know if I can do weekly texts and then move on to what I’m supposed to be focusing on now to get a job and stuff. I’ll shelve the idea for now and try to avoid texting her because it’s so hurtful to try and be meet by a cruel silence.

Not texting her is just fine as well. You do what you need to do for you.

How have you been feeling? What are you doing to take care of yourself?@integrityblues

I’ve been very tired. I’m not excited about my therapy tomorrow or my job development meeting the next day.

The most I’ve done today was speak to my friend and mop my kitchen floor. It counts as self-care but I’m going to have to request that my in person therapy appointment be switched to a virtual one.

I hope that the therapy helped. It can be painful but it also can clear things in your mind a bit.@integrityblues

I dreamt that I was visiting my father and was supposed to be taking care of him because he wasn’t doing well, but he kept fighting me on it.

This was probably brought on by my thoughts of my mother fighting all of us so much and going silent, and the fact that I try so hard to help her because my father is gone and I never had a chance to help him.

I know that thoughts about your dad are part of what you are experiencing now. But remember with your mom that you don't have much ability to ultimately help her either. You have some pretty stubborn parents. That can be a great thing in terms of teaching you to be self-reliant and to keep pushing forward. But both of them have pushed you away. That is the not good part.

Keep reminding yourself that you are doing the best you can with what they have given you. It is enough and you are enough. @integrityblues

Lots of dreams none of them very clear aside from themes of having some negative task thrust upon me and it ends me later on.

One of them involved winning a strange doll I was expected to carry as I went on a long journey. But as I was on the journey the doll’s neck began to grow at an alarming rate, so much so that as I was carrying it strapped to my backpack the neck wrapped around my own to strangle me. It was implied that this sometimes happens when the person on the journey isn’t going to make it.

That was a few days ago. I’m still depressed but I’m slowly working through things. I went to the store and bought something that I could cook on the stove or the oven. It was so much more than I’ve been able to manage lately since it’s just been microwave meals or cereal so if I take the time later this week I could do something simple but healthier.

Tomorrow I’m going to be busy with my hematology appointment and my ultrasound, so I did more job applications today as well as signing up for a virtual job fair and looking at other jobs online so I’d be prepared for my job development meeting on Friday.

I’ll pack a sandwich and snack for the wait between my appointments tomorrow and haul the trash cans out before I have to leave and catch my bus.

I’m hoping tomorrow isn’t very stressful and that I don’t get stuck in the rain.

Go you! You are really coming up with solid ways to work yourself out of this slump. I love the attention to better eating and working on the job front.

The dreams sound like that is where the guilt is going. That is okay for right now. Remember that phrase about putting on your own mask first on the airplane before helping others? Work on your own mask for a bit. @integrityblues

Thanks.

It’s just been harder since I’ve been sick at the same time. Last week I did an e-visit to get what turned out to be allergy meds and nasal spray to treat the symptoms of a viral upper respiratory infection (a cold). Now one of my lymph nodes hurts and I’m thinking of reaching out to my dr.

I’m trying to be more positive or at least try and get on with my life. It’s not 100% great but I’m trying.

It is never going to be 100% great. Trying is everything. I am not surprised that you got caught up with a cold after all you have been through. Do check in with a doctor. @integrityblues

I’m still thinking on it. I did a good job today and did an assessment for office assistants (typing and general) and passed. It was for the minimum requirements like finishing high school or getting a GED or going to college. After I sent an email about it to my job developer she immediately called me up to get more details and congratulate me for passing.

I feel a little stupid because I think I took the wrong assessment, or not the exact one I needed so my typing speed could be tested too. The truth is that maybe going this route will still help me get referrals as a disabled person just starting the LEAP program after being certified by the DOR.

You are headed in the right direction, even if you have to retake a test. Go you!

This is probably not the path that you dreamed of going, but you are going to feel better being on a path. Take it a step at a time. Sometimes things open up in ways that you weren't expecting. You can find happiness in things you didn't know that you even liked. It isn't always the case, but you learn more about yourself every time.

I am excited for you. @integrityblues

It’s been a very long week. I’ve been struggling with the results of my ultrasound. It leaves a lot of unanswered questions and worries because it’s one of those things that might clear up after my next period (where I’ll probably get another ultrasound) but if it doesn’t that means there can be additional imaging or biopsies, depending.

I have been through some of those ultrasounds and biopsies. Keep reminding yourself that they are just trying to rule things out. For me it took a few months to feel like it was going to be okay, but it did end up being fine.

Feel free to share here any time that you want. It does really help to get it all out of your head. @integrityblues

It’s a 1.5 cm thing in or on my endometrium. There’s a really good chance that it’s just a fibroid, considering I’m already at a higher risk for them because of my weight, my age once my period started, and when the women in my immediate family begin menopause.

I’m trying to consider the process as a series of steps, kind of like climbing the rungs of a ladder; if I jump to conclusions I’m going to make my footing unstable and I’ll fall.

It doesn’t change the fact that I still spent a solid 30 mins looking up all the information I could think of to prepare myself for all possibilities.

Thank you for replying. You’re the best

The best thing to do is to not look things up too much. Focus on other stuff so you don't end up worrying. If they end up saying "biopsy" then worry about that when they say it.

And I really don't mind leaving a message any time so let me know when you find stuff out. @integrityblues

Sure.

One day at a time. @integrityblues