Lost

@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser

Not asking for approval or suggestions or what not. Just sharing only.

After all this saga. I started seeing this in the morning.

When have I ever truly gave myself a Chance?

To be true to myself, To be myself.

I have been living on guides, recommendations, all set by others, and burned to my mind. And letting my mind govern everything about me. Creating all these rules, rituals, "healthy" habits, that I (my mind) thought were good for self.

If i were to continue this "lifestyle", i am forever hiding from reality.

Even if i want to hide from the world for the rest of my life. I feel I should at least, live "my" life. Not suffer through it.

Hiaz. Wished i could try push/snap/slap myself out of it.

@mikenai22 I hope you don't mind - I put this down toward the bottom. I'm not even sure If I'm answering the latest one. I had a tag from you but when I went to click it - it tells me the item is not found. So I'm sorry if I missed something.

I can understand what your brother is trying to do. Although I think some of our ability to make decisions gets better as we get older and learn to be more responsible. Maybe the more powerful one would last longer and work better?

I know regular blenders come with different speeds and they do have a setting for puree. But I'm not sure what the consistancy of it would be - if it would be truely pureed or not.

You're right - alot of times you are just paying extra for the name. Some name brands though are a little more reasonable in price. I'm just thinking something better made may last longer. I'm not sure how long you had your other one.

It's ok to forget Mike - that's where other people come in - to help you remember. To let you know - we're thinking about you. That we see progress even if you don't.

@mytwistedsoul

I hope you don't mind - I put this down toward the bottom. I'm not even sure If I'm answering the latest one. I had a tag from you but when I went to click it - it tells me the item is not found. So I'm sorry if I missed something.

Actually. I much prefer it to be the last post in the page. Way easier to read compared to need to flip through pages. The mobile app is quite painful to use/flip/read posts. So go ahead please.

Its ok. I don't know why the notification dont direct to the exact post anymore.

I can understand what your brother is trying to do. Although I think some of our ability to make decisions gets better as we get older and learn to be more responsible. Maybe the more powerful one would last longer and work better?

My brother whom is younger than me, yet way more mature, stronger.

I'm almost a 100% disappointment to my family.

Powerful - It depends actually. Like this locally branded bullet blender that I am using, is much more "powerful", yet the quality of the parts are typically plastics. Oh well.

I know regular blenders come with different speeds and they do have a setting for puree. But I'm not sure what the consistancy of it would be - if it would be truely pureed or not.

I think more like "pulse?" But then there are quite a number of factors that will affect also. Size of Jug/Bottle, Types of blade, Design and position of blade, Motor Speed, etc.

You're right - alot of times you are just paying extra for the name. Some name brands though are a little more reasonable in price. I'm just thinking something better made may last longer. I'm not sure how long you had your other one.

Yea, its that balance that I am unable to look and achieve at. I was hoping that I can think through properly and come to a peaceful decision while accepting some of the "cons" that may come along the way.

Yet i cant, but rather focus on the negative only.

About a good year. - Wait no. Delivered 11-Nov-2017. Wait... er that's almost 2 years. Shit. I never realised that. ROI 2 years for a $80 hardware that in my mind hope that it last for eternity.

It's ok to forget Mike - that's where other people come in - to help you remember. To let you know - we're thinking about you. That we see progress even if you don't.

I dont feel its correct nor right. Its like not even puting any bit of effort. (I dont want to keep repeating "I'm sorry", "Thank you", because it feels very awkward..., but I feel bad for everyone whom had put so much effort into me.)

Red - I apologise, I keep forgetting.

Blue - Serious. I dont see it. I dont know why. Perhaps (like discussed before) its my vision or mentality that trained me to think things this way.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey - I know you said about getting all the stuff off your shoulders and trying to piece things back together. Idk - maybe I'm wrong for saying this but don't you need to understand what caused it? The why of how you got to where you are? That doesn't just go away. If it isn't dealt with there's a good possibility that it would just pop up again. Idk maybe I shouldn't say that. It's just that ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away - no matter how hard we try. although I wish it was that easy.

about understanding the cause - it has been quite a journey (if you noticed) that i been asking, hunting, searching for answers. but i did not explored all the problems, rather specifically picked to worked on. (i.e. food coma, etc.) there are still lingering problems that i never talked, addressed and stuffs. Some worse, i merely put a plaster on it only.

Possibilty of pop-up - Yes, in systems engineering context - Fixes that fails. Nope rather the more you should say it. Because it is the hard truth. or rather embracing reality, making peace and adapating to it. I seem to be constantly running away from my problems. It may not be intentional because of other issues that is affecting it. i.e. physical, etc. (dozing off. now... even though i just woke up 3 hours ago)

perhaps like i suggested and worte in wise's one response, to list all the issues. fix them one by one. from my current standpoint i only see 3 possible routes.

1. down the window (sorry, i'm just truthfully blunt and honest)

2. stay on what i am now, continue with this stupid/stubborn journey that i liked. But this will not bring me anywhere, perhaps in 50 years time (7cups servers is still alive, free, community still active, and somehow surviving in the data centre) i might still be typing, replying, posting same stuffs. I know this is not "healthy"

3. fix the "issues" and move on. dont be myself, but someone who can "integrate" better to society, whatever it is called. and just move on. Despite this sounding "healthier", but it just does not feel like myself. Somehow if i weigh pros/cons - which i think i do extremely at, can tell that option 3 is the best.

You don't have to guarantee anything. Just be you - I really do want to see you succeed and be able to more forward. But as I said I know it's not an over night thing. Everything takes time and patience. You'll get there eventually. Try to be patient with yourself.

Hiaz... When. Although yet i know, only i myself can answer that question. The moment things changes, is the moment i let go and move on.

I hope you have an ok weekend - doesn't have to be good or wonderful. Just ok works too.

Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Thanks... I duno... but i took a leap of faith, and spent (SGD $21.40) on a stupid thing that i procrastinated so long. Yes it became a checkbox in a checklist now. No more enjoyment.

Piano Trial 1 hour lesson. I wanted to keep quiet about it, and just silently attend. Without anyone's approval, acknowledgement, or awareness.

But my mum just had to force me to say it out.

Where's my life and personal thoughts?

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

Serious, I don't I know what to say.

Things are still the same, hurting calfs, sleep?, food coma, what not, thoughts.

Is there no way to chose number three and fix the issues but yet still remain yourself? Although they say change is good but of course not at the risk of losing yourself. But maybe there is a way to grow and get into a better point in your life. Maybe like a compromise. Still live a clean healthy life but Idk - just make some changes. Like maybe pick the one thing that seems to be the biggest issue and let that become what you focus on? Idk

the option is always there. it is whether if, i dare to take it, willing to explore unknown, trial and error to see what works for me, what doesn't and accept what is. Yet not compromising both my "desires" lifestyle and also a healthy "approved by others" view of life one should be.

despite the benefits, what i need to do is willing to try and explore the unknown. Giving in/up on the current fixated "what i think works" restrictive tellable lifestyle.

i duno and doubt the possiblity of achieving a clean and healthy lifestyle is possible if i were to integrate in other factors, i.e. social, money, work, mentality, etc.

either my mind is too weak to "think" of ideas, or I am too fixated with "following" how others are doing "it" (clean/healthy lifestyle)

It's hard to just let go and move on without acknowledging what needs work - without fixing things. I wish I knew what to tell you. That I had the answers you seek. I would give them to you in a heart beat.

I understand. the move is hard. sometimes i wished i can. yet i fall back.

sometimes i even know some "answers" yet i dont want to do it. - i have no words why. energy? will power? lazy?

answers - Thank You. I appreciate it.

So you're taking a piano lesson? I don't think that's stupid! That's great! I'm sorry it didn't bring you any joy - is it because you had to give a reason or explanation? Please don't let that take away the joy of it. I think it's really great that you would try this!

Its only a trial lesson. Need to pay somemore. Something i owed to myself way back 2017. But now it became a checkbox.

I duno why, there was this "slight" joy when playing. But when the session ended. It just felt "its over".

And, for the most important... part. Money.

Thank you for commending. although it was something i thought i tried since young.

Take care Mike Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

Thanks, Thanks again for the reminder. I already... long forgotten. Everyday staring at the window as solution.

@mytwistedsoul

I'm sorry to hear that nothing has changed for you. Although I know nothing changes over night.

Sorry. I dont really know what to reply twistedsoul.

Nothing changes overnight, yes. To a certain extent. But some facts do happen overnight. or even instant. (i.e. job). Shit I'm digging my own wounds.

I would imagine there has to be an amount of fear when it comes to the unknown. The fear of failure, possible even the fear of success. I supposed that sounds weird, but with success comes expectations. Our expecations of ourselves and the expectations of others. So we basically stand frozen. Unsure of what to do. Do we move forward or stay where we are? While those of us here can offer you guidence and possibly advice, you're the only one who can truly choose.

Not only that. I noticed, i keep waiting, wanting security for the choices before i even touch it. And there is also this "safety" net thing that I kept wanting to wait and ensure everything is right before processing.

Well, I know I am the only one who can truly choose. In my mind, I also know what is the "better, correct, useful" choice. In reality, who does not want to be in the correct, rightful, good option? But the mind also wanted to achieve such perfection such that it rather stays behind if it is ok/safe kind of thing. Such that there is no improvement/moving on, and just stucked in the endless loop.

I think it's great though. That you felt some joy while playing. Even if it was just a trial lesson. I think that if it was something you enjoyed doing, why not keep with it? Even if it would just be for a week or two or even possibly a month. Just some time to give yourself the opportunity to fully explore it. It wouldn't be anything set in stone and you can always change your mind and stop later. I still think it's great that you're doing something for yourself. It's a pretty awesome accomplishment in my book.

Simple. (2 things)

Mentality and Money. It is about SGD $45 per 1.5 hour session. I'd apologise I am unaware which country you're from to convert to your currency.

1,2 week then stop, I dont wanna throw money. Its like how much i have already discarded so much. (i.e. medical, health, food, etc)

I don't feel nor see that I am doing something for myself. Like mentioned earlier its checking of checkboxes. For the sake of it. Perhaps in your (others) view its seen differently.

I wish I could tell you to stop looking at the window. It's not the answer you seek. Try to remember that you have support here. Don't be afraid to reach out. We're still holding a light for you.

Be gentle with yourself.

I know. Window sucks. But sometimes it becomes a routine habit to think and ponder about it.

Anyways I duno any other "things" or "options" i can explore for now.

All i know is i am very exhausted. I dont want this every single day. Yet my mind sometimes/mostly like it so much. Because it is easier to follow through.

Thanks twistedsoul. I cant understand why I just dont remember it.

@mytwistedsoul

Its time. To live the life i want. Not others.

All I can think of now is a good clean up and start over.

Other than money, that i have to ugly dig from my brother and mum.

I wish I had the strength and courage to bite and move on this very moment.

I wish I knew how to ease your mind. A way to calm all the thoughts and worries you have. How to loosen the perfectionist mindset. At the risk of being blunt - Until that changes - we're unable to move any direction. But I know how hard it is. I think in some ways we all do it. Are you still seeing that therapist? You don't have to answer of course. Was just wondering if they were offering you any solutions to ease the perfectionism. Ways to loosen it's hold.

It is ok twistedsoul. You dont have to provide my anything. You dont have to have all answers. I think... you being here is already way good or more than what i could have asked. By responding to my topics is even going the extra mile already. Be it having answers or not. Compared to others whom only sways the topic away or dont even bother.

Psychologist? - Yes. But no not really addressing it per se. Only more like the usual mindfulness and breathe to constantly remind self to be present, and the present moment than past/future.

Can I ask what brought the change with the lessons? How it went from being something you wanted to do to something you felt you have to do just so you can check the box? Sorry I know I ask too many questions all the time. I'm in the US - I know the rates are different. The going price here is 40 - 60 dollars for an hour.

No idea. Perhaps exhaustion. Perhaps tiredness. Of "everything" and "anything".

I dont really know to be honest. My mind now processes almost anything as a checkbox only.

Dont worry about the questions. I will answer whenever possible and comfortable.

Wow. that's even more expensive. I guess this skill is a costly pasttime/hobby. Although it does not fit to my theory anymore.

I know how tempting that window is. I really do. I've had thoughts of my own when it comes to that window. I know how it feels to have lost all hope. Not being able to find any relief from your thoughts and feelings. You're not alone Mike. I know it feels as though you are but there are people here that are still holding that light. Hoping you can find answers and solutions. I know you don't want this everyday. The battles we wage against ourselves are the most exhausting and draining.

Not about the temptation, but rather on the solutioning that I can find and process at the moment.

Highlighted and Colored - Thank you. No one had ever once explained in their own position before of the constant processes, struggles and things in my mind.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

Again, a reminder is needed.

Guess I pretty much "not" gentle with myself nor my thoughts.

All the harsh demands on myself.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I saw your post on the depression thread. You deciding to take a break? I can understand that. That's cool. You have to do what's best for you. I know you had thought and talked about it a couple of times. If you ever need to talk or just want to pop in with an update or just to say hi. Just tag me ok?

Take care of yourself. I'll be sending you some good vibes my friend.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike - I saw your post on the depression thread. You deciding to take a break? I can understand that. That's cool. You have to do what's best for you. I know you had thought and talked about it a couple of times.

Actually it was suggested by someone. And... i have been thinking about it awhile also. Since things have been messy.

However i dont really want to go.

The lost of companionship, and if i'm isolating myself... that will be even worse.

I hope you do not get the wrong message.

If you ever need to talk or just want to pop in with an update or just to say hi. Just tag me ok?

But I am likely to still chime in to this thread for now.

Maybe a few more days.

Or maybe i might just stop temporary. See how things goes. (Just in case this is the last response for now)

Take care of yourself. I'll be sending you some good vibes my friend.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

Thank you. I wonder if i will ever remember.

@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser

Hi twistedsoul and wise one.

Do a quick reporting. Be it a good meaning to it or not.

To be honest, I dont really know if it is a good idea to wean out of medias and messages.

I've cleaned up my newsletter subscriptions, youtube playlist, reddit, mobile app, while only leaving 1 or 2 newsletter which i felt more peaceful for me.

After this post, I might continue longer and see if there are any improvements.

So far I can only say that the temptation of wanting to come back and "reply"/"read" something is there. but weaning out now, seems to air the head at certain times.

Meanwhile, do take care.