I want to be loved
Just. Please.
I am growing impatient. Everyone around me seems to have someone whom they love more than me. I am never anyone's first choice. I feel like a doormat in everyone's life. I have no energy or ability to be able to stand on my own.
All kind people I meet and talk with tell me that I have to learn to love myself but I genuinely can't. I can't, OK? I am like a monkey who is asked to speak fluent English. I will take millions of year to be biologically be able to speak some form of language.
And I don't have that sort of patience. I am sorry. All this is hard. I am struggling to get better for myself? But I hate myself. So am I struggling to get better for someone else? But no one loves me. Even my family has a skewed way of expressing love in forms of material value. Saying "I love you" is something none of us know and are scared to think and feel about.
So I am stuck. Stuck in this quicksand. I want someone to help me, someone who can teach me what is live by loving me back. I don't want to be here alone and struggle. Because the more I struggle, the more I fall into the quicksand.
@John20013 I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. :( <3 I'm glad you're here. <3
@John20013
The web has lots of solutions on that topic like here
https://www.google.com/search?q=STUCK+FEELING+UNLOVED
I always start searching the web like crazy when something is bothering me.
That gets me out of the fixed mindset and into a growth/change mindset, which feels a lot better.
I search for specifics for my situation and concerns.
Then I find specific solutions that I try out.
I experiment, make changes.
Eventually I hit on the right solutions and things start to go better and that feels good. So I keep making more improvements. It's a virtuous cycle, as opposed to thinking and acting in a vicious cycle.
I also avoid getting stuck in the Drama Triangle roles,
either as a victim, or a meanie, or a rescuer.
Instead I notice and label the drama situation when I see it. Then I decide to take on the better roles instead.
The Drama Triangle is explained here if interested.
The video was made more for people-pleasers, but it covers all of the roles and gives good insights for many situations in life.
Maybe some of the above might work for you too.
Please forgive any typos above.
Just wow.
i struggle with loving myself. I don't like how i am more often than not. I'm never first on someone's list anymore. I'm too much for people to handle and they left me. I'm not someone people can love forever. I'm just a doormat.
Dudebro you just explained my last few months in life
@ExhaustedPigeon055 That sure seems like a lot. I can understand your struggle.
@John20013
hey man i feel you, i just want to be hugged by a girl almost any girl and to have her say i love you. but i just want you to hang in there and you will find the right girl one day
@John20013
Hi. I'm sorry that you and others on this thread are going through such difficult feelings. It is not a good feeling at all to feel unloved and like you always come in second, or maybe even later, place to others.
You said that you're never someone else's first choice. I think this begs the question: are you ever your own first choice? You mentioned being a doormat. I really hate that word. But saying so, might actually indicate that you do not actually put yourself first, or choose yourself first in the things that directly and significantly impact you. That's one aspect of self-love. We cannot expect people to choose us, if we never choose ourselves. Choosing ourselves means expressing our needs, saying "no" to things that harm us, and don't feel good to us, living by our own values and morals, not letting other's opinions dictate how we feel about ourselves, and allowing ourselves to be seen and heard for who we are deep down. Self-love is not about glorifying the self, and worshipping the ego. It's the contrary. It's transcending the ego that wants things its way, that tells us those nasty things about ourselves, and that wants to be praised for the sake of feeling good about oneself.
We spend most of our time living in other people's heads, trying to figure out what they think of us, why they act the way they do, "am I too weird for them? am I too shy? do they dislike me? and on and on and on" and not as much time in our own bodies, asking how WE feel about someone/something. Asking ourselves what do I need in this moment to feel better, to be more myself, what makes me feel alive? We're too occupied wanting others to save us from ourselves forgetting that no one can be everything to us - it's unfair to them. And more importantly forgetting to remember that others are doing the best they can to make themselves happy - everyone is craving connection.
I think we have been raised with a skewed perceptions of relationships, and instead of viewing them as opportunities for ourselves to learn, and heal out triggers and become purified versions of ourselves, they are seen as a competition or race to be chosen.
Being desperate to be with someone is not good for us. It causes us to accept treatment that we don't deserve, and sticking in situations that are not good for use. It is worhtwhile to look into how our beliefs about ourselves have brought forward results that only re-inforce our negative beliefs bcs beliefs dictate our thoughts, emotions and actions. Actions create results, and actions taken from a place of lack and low self-worth, only create results of more lack, and low self-worth.
Loving ourselves means loving these parts of ourselves that are not so great. This includes loving the part of us that feels desperate to be loved. It's telling us something useful.
Some practices you can start incorporating in your daily life:
1. Start a gratitude journal.
2. Affirm yourself daily with words you CAN believe.
3. Notice what makes you happy and do more of it.
4. Volunteer.
5. Stop the story in our head in its tracks from being a broken record.
6. Do not attach meanings to circumstances and events. Circumstances and events are neutral.
I hope this helps. It's not an easy road, but none of us deserve to feel havy-hearted and low daily.