It's getting too much

Yes a lot of us have felt the same way. Know we all have struggled with the vices of life but believe in yourself first that you are able to overcome your circumstances. I urge you to use the breathing exercises and remember this is the safe place to express your thoughts yet most of all grow.

@pinkspaceviking

Yes, I most definitely have felt exactly what you're feeling. I hid myself away from people and would avoid social situations even just in case someone saw me that knew me previously. It wasn't until I started running into people that knew me from then and they reacted to me normally that I started to change my thinking.

The lesson that I learned is that we all make mistakes and we're all more forgiving of others than we are of ourselves. It's not easy to forgive yourself and I mean in a true and meaningful way, but the past is the past. We can only go forward if we accept our mistakes and take every day that comes our way as a new opportunity.

Good luck!

I just want to say that I'm so proud of you for quitting drugs. When we're depressed, we crave something else to feel, to distract us from this void we're in. Drugs may offer that but they are harmful in the end. It must have taken lots of courage to stop using drugs.

You deserve everything you need to be a healthy and happy human being. Don't let anyone say otherwise, okay? Depression can mess with your mind, saying that you're less of a person. But you're so strong for doing all you have. Reaching out is hard. It really is, but I'm glad you shared your story. You need to do things that wil make you a healthier, happier person because you deserve much more than the approval of your mind. Hurting people's feelings is rough but you've been through so much more than they cold ever imagine. If you want to take control of your life, we'll support you.

I have felt just like you. You are absolutely not alone. Please keep that in mind, okay? Have a wonderful life.

"A great future does not require a great past."

I, too, struggle constantly with feelings of extreme shame/guilt regarding my situation, my choices, (what I think is) a lack of progress, my mindset, and just who I am as a person. So I understand completely.

It's very difficult when we feel we let ourselves down, because forgiveness is much harder to come by. We're much slower to forgive ourselves than we would a close friend. And we're much, much harder on ourselves than anyone else. And when we feel like we've gone off road from where we always pictured ourselves to be, we're so focused and upset by the fact that we went off road in the first place that we aren't able to think about how to get back on that road or how to make the best of this off-road adventure. We become overcome with guilt/shame and it quickly drags us under, making it even more difficult to focus on what we can do next. It causes us to stay in one place, because we're so focused on what we've done, we're not thinking about what we can do. And when you stay in one place, that's when you get run over.

I completely understand your fears. I experience them, too. We're afraid it'll shatter all the hard work we've made up to this point or change how others see us for the worse. However, hiding who we once were may cause us to never fully connect with anyone. It may cause us feel bouts of loneliness because there's something we're having to constantly hide. Not to mention the fear of them finding out will eat away at us until there's nothing left. You're probably already exhausted from all this, and I don't blame you.

The only person you owe anything to is yourself. Not only are you keeping a part of yourself from others, but by allowing others to control you and dictate the decisions you make, you are also keeping a part of you from yourself. You're preventing it from blossoming and becoming something you can one day be proud of. And being proud of ourselves is important. Loving ourselves and being confident in ourselves is one of the hardest, and yet most imperative things in order to live a truly happy life.

It sounds like you've had a very long road up until this point. And I'm sure there were nights where you never expected to make it this far. You've been on a very difficult journey with lots of twists and turns and bumps in the road.

But a great future does not require a great past.

Where you've been does not dictate where you're allowed to go. But in order to move forward, it sounds like you're going to have to begin the long process of forgiving yourself. And I know you feel like you don't deserve anything on this Earth, but I'm here to tell you that you do. The person you are now, who is being torn to pieces by things done in the past, no longer wants to known for that. The person you are now craves something more. Craves purpose. Craves meaning. It doesn't necessarily want to be free from it, but it doesn't want to be tied down by it. You are allowed to shed your skin (so to speak) as many times as you need in this crazy thing called life. You are allowed to remake yourself, and you are allowed to build on yourself.

"If I am worth anything later, I am worth something now. For wheat is wheat, even if people think it is a grass in the beginning." - Vincent Van Gogh

We don't have to be proud of who we once were to use it as stepping stones to becoming someone we are proud of. It's a process. A journey. We learn as we go, we forgive as we go, and we discover ourselves as we go. But forgiveness is necessary in this process, and forgiveness isn't an easy feat. But it is possible. I'm currently on that journey myself, and it's going to be a long and rough road, but I'm accustomed to roads like that. And I think so are you.

I believe you can do this, and you have tons of people here who will help support you when you need it. You don't have to go about this alone and you have a support system here who will cheer you on. Good luck with everything, and good luck with whatever road you choose.