I like having depression.
I really like having depression. I feel like it protects me. It never lets me down. I'm afraid that one day it will just go away and, I will be happy, I will achieve my goals, I will find all the things I have been looking for but, then I will be pushed right back into my dark corner. I don't want to experience something that I may not always have. I hate being let down. I'm such a hopeful person and, having lots of hope sucks because I am putting myself in jeopardy of being let down, which always happens and, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of giving people trust, which also gives them a license to hurt me, which they use. I'm tired of those little gleams of confidence coming only to be washed away a second later by an ad on TV or, a girl at my school. I HATE being vulnerable. I like being depressed. It never sets me up for failure because it never gives me a chance to be brave and actually be open to failing. It protects me from going deeper into the darkness and, I am thankful for that. I know this may seem stupid but, it's true.
Hey, just letting you know I deleted your duplicate of this thread, since it's against our forum guidelines to post duplicates 
I understand how mental illnesses can become a part of us sometimes, and the prospect of losing that can be really scary, especially when there's always the chance that it could come back. That doesn't seem stupid, it makes a lot of sense. Being vulnerable is really scary and can open you up to being hurt, and so it makes sense that you would want protection from that and I understand how you find that through your depression. I think ups and downs are pretty inevitable in life, and so it's natural to want to avoid or cope best with the down points of it, you're definitely not alone in feeling this way
"Millions of people have decided not to be sensitive. They have grown thick skins around themselves just to avoid being hurt by anybody. But it is at great cost. Nobody can hurt them, but nobody can make them happy either."
Osho
@AJayZa @AJayZa Hey there. I couldn't help but comment about how much your post resonates with me. I thought there was something wrong with me when I told myself that I enjoyed the sadness. I realized I just liked the comfort sameness brings me, and that inclues, of course, the repetition of emotions. I feel what you feel so often, I ask myself, "What is the point of me pursuing happiness when I will eventually feel awful again? Why even bother?" However, life is so hard to get through and to bear without feeling those bouts of joy once in a while. It helps. It makes you believe again, even for a little while. Perhaps the hardships of feeling so low is worth it if you get to experience even the smallest amounts of happiness here and there. I know that it doesn't always last, but doesn't that in turn mean sadness won't as well? Let yourself be vulnerable, you will feel just a bit more alive. You deserve contentment, really.
I think it has to do that often we are used to the depression, and that we don't really know what happiness is like so it sort of scares us. Sometimes it's almost like I feel happiness isn't as great as it seems and I'll be dissapointed when I finally have it?
@AJayZa Once you hit rock bottom, there's no lower you can go.
@Psycore2414
@WickedSick Yeah people think playing in the muck is bad but that's because they all have clean and sharp pressed clothes. Once they get their clothes dirty they will understand what it's like in the mush pit.