I feel so ashamed
It's not as though I'm a bad person who's done pretty terrible things...but I'm suffocating because of my shame. I'm so sensitive to my imperfections. I'd say I'm my own worst critic. I don't want to face anyone because I've convinced myself that all they see are my mistakes. I'm a mistake, a disappointment, a burden...worthless, a waste of time, waste of breath. I'm always picking the pieces of my life at the end of each day. I'm so tired and added to that, I'm struggling with rheumatoid arthritis at the age of 19 and it's only getting worse. Constant pain and even worse fatigue, both physical and emotional. I mean, the pride of young people is their strength...where does that leave me? People have no idea how lightly they take something like dressing yourself, walking and running...but that's just how unfair life is. So unfair... I'm sorry if I'm rambling but I just need to let it out...even if not many people see this or even care one bit...I just need to put it out there, let it out. I can't bottle these feelings in anymore. They've been eating me from the inside out. I feel so raw...💔
@sadProgrammer
Hi friend. I'm reading through your post here, and wanted to offer you some support.
We can definitely be our own worst critics. I certainly identify with that struggle. Feeling as though we're all the negatives that our minds are saying we are. Something that I've learned over time is to step back when I see those thoughts and examine where they're coming from and how to work on them. This can be done in solitary practices like journaling or meditation, or with a listener if you feel like you could use a hand with bouncing thoughts around.
Dealing with chronic illness on top of mental health struggles can be so hard, and I empathize with how you're feeling here. Feeling like we don't have the spoons to do even tasks of daily living can be a major struggle.
You are not a mistake. You are wonderful as you are, a constant work in progress
You are not worthless. You are worth more than people around you may believe, or even that you may believe.
You are not a waste of time or breath. You deserve to find and hold onto your joy, whatever that joy may be.
Sending lots of hugs, friend. Feel free to reach out any time. ❤️
@sadProgrammer
Although many of us think others see our mistakes they do not and IF anyone focused on that it is a problem with them.
I am a self critic also but am learning to see the great in me not rely on outside affirmation
I have RA as well each case is different however when i am stressed and depressed ALL symptoms are worse and when i made positive changes although i know i still have it i have not had flares or bad days in a long long time......
attitude and stress made me lose a few years telling myself it will only get worse missing on life in case of flare etc ............do the best you can ...... let go of mistakes and slowly discontinue second guessing yourself. venting does help do it often ..... online diary or even a notebook.
you made a big step writing what you did .......bravo
