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I don't want to exsist
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Hello! This is my first thread on here. :)

I have Major Depressive Disorder, and I've been hospitalized for it recently. It's been a little while since I got out, and the medications they put me on don't really seem to be working. Or at least not to the extent I was hopeing for. I understand you need to be patient with these things, as these meds are literally repairing your brain to an extent, but...I fear this is the best it will get. Like I'll always have this depression to worry about and hate myself. I've recently been taken to lots of different therapists, but I don't feel like starting over with a new one after being with one who I like for over a year. It feels like it isn't even worth it. And whenever I try to talk, I feel like I'm talking way too much, like my words don't matter. They just annoy everyone around me.

I don't know what to think or do, all I've BEEN doing is throwing everything I have into work, and when I'm off work throwing my life away with harmful activities, like bingeing on sweets then starving myself for days, or hurting myself by not taking medication. (Never the antidepressant, that I take religiously. I mean meds that act as pain killers.)

I'm slowly isolating myself from everyone who wants to help, and it feels like this is my first attempt at really reaching out in awhile. Caring for myself feels selfish, and unproductive. Like it's a waste of time and effort.

How can I begin to take better care of myself without being overwhelmed with guilt?

4
CuteLychee74 August 6th, 2016
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@SelfDestructiveReconstruction

i feel you,I have major depression and adhd. I feel like I have nothing to live for too and I also harm myself but thankfully I have not done it for about 3 months and I learned to hang on

hold

on

pain

ends

H.O.P.E.

SelfDestructiveReconstruction OP August 18th, 2016
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@CuteLychee74

I feel you on the self harm part..I've tried the butterfly project, and it works to an extent. I'm about 2 months clean, but every days a fight. How did you kick that habit for the remaining month..?

And that acronym is beautiful....I needed that.

emitlove August 6th, 2016
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@SelfDestructiveReconstruction

Hey first of all, I would just like to say. You are so brave for continuing onward. For taking it one day at a time, despite the setbacks. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish. In fact, I encourage you to keep trying to move forward and take care of yourself. It's so brave of you to even join a site like this, and I'm proud of you for sharing. That's huge. Especially for your first time. We're all rooting you on and cheering for you on this site. Just take it one day at a time, maybe even one hour at a time.

CalmingBreeze August 6th, 2016
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@SelfDestructiveReconstruction

I am truly sorry that you are feeling this way and are having to experience all of this, I really am. Depression is an awful condition to live with and makes life incredibly difficult. I can truly appreciate all of what you have said. You have done beautifully opening up about all of this and that is a positive step for you to have made. Life seems really difficult for you at the moment but believe me when I say that you are doing incredibly well at dealing with all of this. You can and will get through this. If you ever need to chat about what you're feeling and need someone to vent to about it you are always more than welcome to contact me at any time of day or night and I'll get back into contact with you.

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