I don't know if I'm depressed or not
Hello everyone.. I'm Cecilia and I'm 19 years old
Some things that happened lately have made me considerate the idea of having depression...
I have to say that I've always been quite introvert, which led me to be extremely lonely, but I've never really thought much about it. I always had some kind of "hope" that things would have worked out and stuff like that.
The last few years, especially this year, have been awful. If I had to think about some good memories out of these 2 years I would have almost nothing. I am always alone, always at home. I felt and still feel completely void.
I never thought it could be depression, but something happened in April which made me change my mind. Things were going as always, nothing traumatic happened, but for 1-2 weeks in a row I couldn't help but cry everyday. I felt completely hopeless, as if I had nothing to look forward to. When asked by my friend the reason why I was feeling like that, I had nothing to reply. In addition to that I tried to tell her the concern I had about depression and well that friend also didn't really understand and well you can imagine, she didn't really treat me good.
Months went by, feeling as sad as ever. I met a guy and we started hanging out, first time to ever happen in my life, and well even if he was nice and stuff I didn't really feel anything (nor love nor happiness). I'm really grateful that he came into my life exactly when I needed it the most, at least he made me feel as if I had some value. We still talk and well it's nice but still, I can't feel a thing.
Last week has been really hard for me, I layed in bed all day just thinking and crying because I fought with someone I thought I was in love with (really stupid because I never got to know him, I only just idealized him way too much) and well, I realized he's much worse than I thought and with that my last hope died. I realized that maybe love doesn't exists, and I've always been extremely romantic, I'm one of those who think that love conquers all.
Well I got over him but I didn't get over the fact that I am lonely. I feel as if I'll never be happy with anyone, and as if no one will ever understand me. I really did put all my hopes in that one person, and after he let me down, I don't even have hope anymore.
So now I'm spending my summer alone, in bed, staying up at the computer until late at night and waking up really late. I see these sunny days and wish I had someone to enjoy them with, but I don't even feel as getting out of my own house. When I had school I didn't notice how lonely I was because I was always busy and I was "forced" to go out, but now it just feels much realer.
I don't know if I'm depressed or not, I don't know if it's normal to spend each and every day alone at home. I just started crying again without a reason.