Introductions

No need to have a fancy introduction I'm really proud of you for sticking through and thriving as best as you can, I'm sure you're doing a great job because you're definitely worth it! Are you coping alright? That's important too!

@Emily619

I most definitely am not coping well, but my coping mechanisms are about the only things that work.

@BDRD

Oh no! What coping mechanisms do you use?

@Emily619

The better ones include distractions and procrastinations. The worse (and until the past week more common) one is self harm. I've tried other methods, the ones I have are the only ones that help.

@BDRD

Hmm so not too many positive one's, unfortunately! Have you tried any alternatives to self harm before?

@Emily619

Yupp. None of them give quite the same adrenaline rush, which is the main reason why I self harm, the change of hormones and my body switching to survival mode help keep all the pieces of my mind together.

@BDRD

Yeah, I totally understand that it can definitely be hard to suppress self harm triggers. Before you self harmed, or while you were clean, what was different? Could you try to incorporate that in your life today if it was a feeling of happiness, for example? Being able to stay clean is absolutely wonderful!

@Emily619

The only real difference between me before and me now is before I had hope. But I can't keep lying to myself. As I said in my introduction, my problems won't go away until I'm dead or humans are gods.

@BDRD

Well, problems definitely can't go away in one night (although I wish they could!), however I definitely believe they can get better with time :) Did anything in particular cause you to lose hope?

@Emily619

Nope. My demons have been very patient, and they've finally worn me down. At least they haven't fully won. I've probably been better than most, I doubt a majority of kids would last long if you forced them to accept their own death could come every time they eat.

@BDRD

That's really great that you won't let the demons win, and thus staying strong. Honestly, people who can remain emotionally strong can be hard to find nowadays! So, with the demons wearing you down though and trying to fight them, does that kind of make you lose hope easier?

@Emily619

I don't lose hope anymore, it's already lost. Even a city on fire will eventually die down and end if no more fuel is added, and it's been a long time since life has given me something to work with. And with the paranoia/shyness that borderlines social anxiety/antisocial (yes, as in psycopath) thing I got going on in my head, it's very unlikely my lot will be changing much.

@Emily619

I don't lose hope anymore, it's already lost. Even a city on fire will eventually die down and end if no more fuel is added, and it's been a long time since life has given me something to work with. And with the paranoia/shyness that borderlines social anxiety/antisocial (yes, as in psycopath) thing I got going on in my head, it's very unlikely my lot will be changing much.

@BDRD

Lost hope is definitely hard to recover. So do the mental illnesses prevent hope from being "found" again?

@Emily619

I'm a realist, I know when something's good and when it's bad. It's not any mental problems preventing me from having hope, it's a life that prefers giving bad things to good, and when I do get a good thing it's often quickly twisted into something bad.

@BDRD

That makes sense! Outside forces can too have effect on us. Have you talked to a close friend about what's going on and if they can support you on a path to recovery, or at least getting better?

@Emily619

Close friend? I think I've encountered that term before, once while reading. I'm seeing a counselor on my college's campus, but I highly doubt talking will make any problems go away. As I said, I'm a realist, so I'm certain talk won't change my DNA, or make life suddenly start sending good things my way.

@BDRD

I see where you're coming from, talking can't always help everyone, unfortunately! Have you encountered anything that does work yet? Considering self harm alternatives, talking, etc. doesn't seem to help much, something may in the long run. Have you come across anything that you think could help?

@Emily619

I know of a lot that could help, however I doubt you want to listen to me list of things that are impossible. Instead, the three things that are actually possible and would help are dying, medical technology allowing me to change parts of me and even my DNA at will, or finding someone who makes me forget about my problems. And that's in the order of most likely to world peace has a better chance.

Outside of those three things, all I can do is weather the storm.

@BDRD

I believe dying isn't the answer, not at all. Although you may feel like it's a great solution now, it actually would not be in the long run because it definitely affects those who know you, and even people you haven't met yet. Are you suicidal often? Or having wishes to die because of this?

@Emily619

I'm not suicidal, but I am often wishing for death. When you can choke on food, even when taking your medicine and avoiding allergens, I imagine anyone would start looking forward to the end.

And also I don't believe I can affect the lives of people I don't know. I refuse to believe in fate, because if everything happens because of a plan than I could commit suicide and it wouldn't be a sin since it's all part if the plan.

@BDRD

Sorry the original reply escaped my notifications. Yes, true, fate is something I don't believe in much either, although I wish it were true (positive fate that is!) Does this encourage you to self harm since you want the end to come soon, if I read that right?

@Emily619

I was recently reminded to think of other people, so I feel the need to tell you things won't be getting better for me, there's nothing you could to help. Don't waste energy on me, and definitely don't worry or care about me. Trust me, I've talked to a lot of people, some trained to help, some loved me, some just had good intentions. I'm in the same place after talking to all of them. You're not magically better than them, after talking to you I'll still have the same terrible life. If you need to help someone, there's plenty of other people out there you definitely could help, it would be better for you to talk to them.

And I self harm for the adrenaline rush, the hormones help keep the pieces of my mind together.

@BDRD

I'm sure recovery can still be an option, but it will take work, definitely! If talking doesn't seem to help, nor do the alternatives, what does so far?

@Emily619

Well since most of my problems are biological, I imagine changing my biology could help. But I don't exactly have the funds right now to test that. Other than that the only time I was able to handle any problem was when I had someone I trusted completely, but they're gone now and I doubt anyone will be replacing them soon (see my antisocial/paranoid/extemely shy comment above, as well as my general hatred of the human race).

@BDRD I think you're doing brilliantly. Not only have you come on here to try and get support but you are also pushing yourself forward. Sometimes life presents us with problems that aren't possible to get over.. You might have no control over it but you have control over how you let it affect you. There are many people here to support you, and if you ever need to chat you can PM me. Stay strong :)

@SpiritedShaye

I've been strong for years now, since I was a child, with no breaks. How much longer can you honestly expect me to keep it up

@BDRD You don't have to stay strong all the time. That is why we're here to support you

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