Depression Community - How do you actually feel today?

I feel like my life has hit the rock bottom and if I do not change things, I will literally die. But change seems so scary and overwhelming...

My "dad" visited us a couple days ago..

I don't consider him anything to me because I've never had a loving relationship with him.

So..he came and he asked the same questions....as always...and I barely talk to him because he isn't interested. He thinks we're only after his money.

Uhm.....if I wanted money...I'm gonna make my own freaking money. I don't need some deadbeats chump change.

My mom was just talking to me about what she said on the phone for him...and he had the audacity to blame me for saying that he only comes to talk to my older brother. He'd blame everyone but him and my sister. It just makes me feel great that he can just abandon me and blame me for not wanting to have anything to do with him after nearly 10 years.

But of course..in every situation I find myself in ...I somehow always end up the bad guy.

I'm fighting back tears..this isn't fair. I already beat myself up over things I can't control...and people always...ALWAYS find a way to make me hate myself even more. I know I need serious help...but some people.. My family...think mental disorders are only for "white people" which is ignorant and incorrect. My therapist... That my mom dragged me to..diagnosed me with having major depression...but oh..there's nothing wrong with me.

I'm sorry about this.

like no one really cares...

Like I'm a disappointment to everyone

I was feeling okay, even though I woke up earlier than usual. But then I came into contact with someone extremely rigid and angry and now I feel infected. I feel angry and down. But I'm hoping it won't last. I'll do some special things for myself. Find some positive input.

I actually feel really shitty. Yesterday night a listener on here messaged me.. He always made me feel better, and is hands down the best listener I've found in here (for me personally). He wouldn't sugarcoat things, he told me what he thought, he ranted to me, he told me about himself, and he always listened to me, but not just surface level. He actually made me feel like he cared about what I think and felt. Well yesterday I found out he won't be on here anymore, because of things financially his family is going through. I never got to tell him bye or how much I appreciate him, and now I probably never will. I hate myself so much. I should've told him every time he made me feel less crazy "thank you for listening and helping me feel less horrible" but I didn't. I always regret wasted opportunity, but I done fucked up. It's got to be the first times someone's stopped talking to me that wanted to continue talking, but couldn't, because of things beyond their control. God, I feel sick.

irritated, frustrated, annoyed, etc. I think I have an eating disorder and it's taking over my life. I literally feel incapable of eating (or at least without throwing it up). I've been chewing food but not swallowing it but even that makes me feel guilty. I've been on the scale about 5 times in one day. I want to eat but I don't feel like I can. I don't think after I hit my goal weight, I could eat either.

I feel a little better.. Not much though...

Hey, everyone. I'm new here, and I've struggled with depression since I was about 11, and I am now 22. Lately My Depression has completely taken over. Today is the first day in 4 days that I stayed out of the house. 3 days prior I couldn't even get myself out of my bed. So, I guess today I'm doing ok, but today was one of my better days.

I feel worthless, ugly, embarrassed, and hopeless I just want to give up!!