Depression Community - How do you actually feel today?
I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted with life and people. I'm exhausted by those who think they are high and mighty when they are just small and weak. I'm exhausted by your stupidity. What you did was wrong. You don't have a position of power. You're just a scared little child who made a mistake and can't handle another screw up. You are weak because you refuse to grow. Learn to be human
@Hollywoodglitter, your words resonates with me. Unfortunately I think that I am this hideous cretaure which needs to learn how to be human.
Still, I'm glad you wrote that.
*hugs*
I had more dreams about my ex. It's been five years, and as long as I'm sober, I can remember my dreams, and I wake up in tears more often than not. I'm so alone. It's been three years since I've spent the night with anyone. No one knows anyone who's attracted to me. I can't keep a job and can't feel whole while I'm alone, and no one is attracted to codependency. No matter how many hobbies I have or how much time I spend working on myself, I feel as empty and sad and alone as always.
I'm stuck in a catch 22. I'll never be attractive to anyone if I'm needy, but I'll be needy for the rest of my life. No medicine has ever worked. Hobbies and social connections don't. The only time I felt happy to be alive was when was with her, and even them I had my months of deep depression. It's why she left, after years of trying to cope with me. I'm too much. I'm not enough. I'm pretty much screwed.
I'm learning to set the bar lower. I'll never have a good job, I'll never be with anyone, I'll never get to be whole. I just need to get Medicaid for Adderall, work a few months wherever I can, and smoke as much weed as possible, so I can't be haunted by my dreams anymore. I just have to pay until my parents pass away, then I can join them.
You said medicine, hobbies and social connection didn't work. Nothing has worked and you are really waiting for the end is what I got from your post. There is one thing you haven't tried which might work. Self compassion. You said some really mean things about yourself. There is a bully inside your brain constantly beating you up. Every time you try to stand up it knocks you down and beats you up again. You need to get rid of this bully. Because as long as this bully exists, nothing and no one from the outside can reach you because the bully inside has a firm grip. Imagine yourself as another person for a moment. If there was another person just like you, with the same intentions as you, with the same feelings as you, someone who has fought as long as you, would you say such cruel things to that person? Every time that person tried to live, tried to hope, would you attack them with such vicious statements?
I appreciate what you're saying, but I don't think I'm bad person, and people like me as a person, but I've both been told to my face and have heard second hand that I'm too problematic to get close to. Many of the single women my age have already left a former husband or boyfriend because of their soul sucking mental illness or other severe problems. They might love me as a friend, but they sure as hell don't want to take on another chronically mentally ill or problematic relationship when there are a lot of good guys out there who can hold down a job and don't have so many severe problems. Especially when they have kids or other serious obligations.
I've got a very broad social network, I've been to school and have worked in a lot of the big cities where I'm at, and the rejection is constant and directly related to my chronic, treatment resistant depression. I just lost the best job possible for me because I "have too many problems," and I average two jobs a year. I'm being realistic. People look at a lot of things when they consider being ready for a partner, and I'm a hill covered in red flags. I can both be a really good friend and not a good candidate for a partner, even if friendship is the cornerstone of most people's relationships.
Whenever I get my hopes up, it backfires. I'm not saying this as depression masquerading as a person, I'm saying this as a person rendered depressed by constant failures, professional and personal.
I was born with these issues, and I'll die with them. Depression has an 80% cure rate, which means 1/5 people don't get cured. I've got the treatment resistant form. That doesn't make me a bad person, or a failure. Never meeting my own or others expectations does that. I can't control what turns other people off. I can't control how my bosses will react to me having an episode of intense grief after my friend dies. I can't control a disease that defies the most state of the art treatment. I have to cope with how my life actual is, and pretending it is something different can literally kill me with grief. I've been trying to tell myself otherwise over over half my life, and it sets me up to fail with potentially life threatening consequences.
I have a question, and was wondering if anyone could maybe help me? It has to do with self harm
What do you need, Hun? http://www.7cups.com/25083000
Well, my day started out with a upsetting phone call with my dad. My emotions soon turned into fear when I had to take medicine for the cold I have right now. And some time later, I (literally) got a heavy feeling in my heart after being the reason why one of my most precious friends is extremely, well, upset. But, I haven't told her yet and I'm afraid of the consequences that'll come with it. And, well, now, I'm concerned about one of my other friends (who is also friends with the friend I'm afraid of confessing my mistake to) who is extremely close to not being friends with her (the girl friend mentioned earlier) anymore.
And, I'm sort of falling back into depression, after two months of depression-free life. I miss talking to a special guy friend of mine, who's too busy with school to talk to anyone online right now. And I feel he might hate me since I was sort of a sadist around him. But, I apologized over and over. And, I feel like whenever I write a paragraph about him (good things) I feel like I'm not being honest with myself amd that something is missing. I don't know.
I'm sorry this is so long. I guess I got a little, carried away..
Dear @Suiren, I can see there is a lot of going on in your life. It's okay to feel overwhelmed by all of your worries. You don't have to feel sorry, we are here for you to listen.
Did you try to connect with a listener in 1-on-1 chat? I find it very helpful to be talked and be heard at the same time.
Sending you lots of hugs, my lovely!
Today I feel anxious. I feel bad. Not good at all. Hoping some sleep will help, but I'm too filled with anxiety to sleep
I know that feeling oh too well, I hope you feel better 💗
Today I feel more pain than I have felt in such a long time.... just stayed in bed crying all day
I'm so sorry to hear that, @communicatingStrawberries2688. How are you feeling now? Did you managed to have some rest?
*hugs gently and strokes your hair*
@Celaeno thank you. I am feeling so emotionally unstable... but I am still here and fighting... which may or may not be a good thing....
@communicatingStrawberries2688, being brave is always a good thing. No matter how painful it is for you to keep holding on your grip on hope, you are doing a great job.
I am proud of you.
Lots of hugs!
Today I don't feel at all. There is just that feeling of emptiness. I'd give anything to feel something.
I would give anything to just feel nothing....
Me too...
@dreyy96, I recognize the feeling of numbness. It's nauseating and overwhelming, and seems to have no end. It makes you an outcast of this universe, unable to connect, to feel anything. You know that you should feel something, but it's impossible for you ta change channels in your mood TV. You slowly stop trying to pretend. It's too exhausting.
I struggle with a similar monster, lovely, and I'm here for you. Sometimes we just need to grit our teeth and keep trying, keep holding on, even if it's seems pointless.
You can do it, wonderful. You're strong, you fought for so long, and I believe in you.
*hugs tightly*
My heart feels heavy. Idk why. I just feel sad for no reason and I'm a bit anxious. I'm currently at a party witch makes me a bit shaky that my feet start moving up and down. This happens a lot when I'm at party's. I prefer being alone with no one around me. I feel depressed. No other words to put it in
I'm totally in the same boat. Am at a party and I've been trying to feel like a part of the group and have conversation but even if I just left, probably nobody would care.
@Marlon29 and @tinyDoReMit, feeling alone in a crowd full of people, and pretending that you're feeling just fine, no depression whatsoever - is so lonely. And so exhausting. I'm sorry you are both feeling that way. You are worth understanding from people who would support you. We are here for you, lovelies. We will listen.
*gentle group hug*
I feel really alone tonight, for some reason. I haven't felt this horrible in a long time. I should probably go to sleep but the thought of sleeping by myself scares me.
Dear @coffeeandpoetry32, I'm sorry to hear you have troubles with sleeping. DId you managed to get some rest? Please let me know, I care about you.
Would you like some kind of distraction? Shifting your focus could maybe help you relax before you go to sleep, would you like that? If so, here's one of my favourite game to calm down, and here you can listen to the stars reassuring you. And here a soft voice will guide your breath. And here is a "sleep clinic" video to help you fall asleep.
I can't do much more, but please accept these soft pillows and my hugs.
*hugs*
I feel great for once it feel so good to have a good day
I'm so happy to hear that, @bananna424! Please pass the good vibes on ^^
