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Plopplopfizzfizz
1,197 M Little Steps 3
PathStep 61 Compassion hearts68 Forum posts12 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2015 Member sinceAugust 16, 2015
Recent forum posts
Feeling pretty unlovable
Depression Support / by Plopplopfizzfizz
Last post
 August 20th, 2015
...See more I was born with depression, anxiety, and adhd. All my life, I've struggled to feel ok. When I was little, they said I was a hypochondriac cuz I said my stomach hurt all the time. I was incredibly shy, and avoided even the semblance of bad behavior and being in public. I withdrew into books, video games, and drawing. I gained weight early. I've never felt attractive. After my brother died when I was 11, I began to develop major depression and suicidal ideation. Puberty hit me like a ton of bricks. I was already older than my classmates, having been held back in kindergarten (my anxiety was so bad,I cried basically every morning before school. My mom had to fight me to get dressed and go.), so I was tall, overweight, acne covered, hairy, and very nerdy. By middle school I was hospitalized twice for suicidal ideation. I had no self esteem. I felt like an ugly train wreck, and acted like it. I had to change schools because of it. My senior year, I meet a girl nearby. By our freshman year of college, we were engaged. We were together for nearly 8 years, and I felt some semblance of hope and happiness. Tw: sexual assault I didn't act like it, though. I took her for granted. I had little to no emotional regulation. Eventually, I found out she had been raped a year prior by this older guy who used to use her on webcam when she was a teen. He was the same age as the older kid who molested her as a girl. This was the same weekend we found out her mom had been hiding terminal breast cancer from us. She left me. I was a complete and total wreck, and she couldn't deal with me anymore. I can't explain the guilt of running off someone you love at one of the most emotionally intense times in her life. After a few months, we had to deal with some financial things. We reconnected, and I tried so, so damn hard to be level. I helped her through her mom's death, and moving across state. She got pregnant, and it was really bad, so she aborted. I helped her as best I could through all this. I lost control again, and she said she didn't love me anymore. I've tried so hard sense then to fill that void. I got back into playing music, reading, video games, writing, politics, work. Nothing helps. I feel like I've failed the most important person ever in my life. I've tried to date, but when I'm not getting rejected, I'm getting used. I've had sex once in the last three years. People think I'm this funny, confident, kind guy, but no woman in my extensive social network thinks of me as a potential partner. I can't hold down a job, can't stay in shape, people can't relate to my oddball tastes in music or tv, so despite being really well liked, I'm just not attractive. No matter how many songs I learn to play, how much effort I put into game design, how much I try to get back into politics, how much therapy I do or the fist fulls of pills I shovel in my mouth,I feel empty and hopeless. The only thing keeping me alive is a sense of obligation to my parents and my cat. I can't so much as look at a female character model in a video game without feeling like there's an icy knife in my gut that leaves a burning, sucking wound. I'm already dead, I'm just waiting on the formality of the cessation of brain functions.
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