want to make friends again, and i genuinely mean it this time, even if i'm terrified
hey everyone!
i've been reflecting on my past, as usual, and have realized two very important things- one, i reflect way too much. i've spent probably like 80% of my whole life in my head, and i finally want to change that. i think the more i think about death, and knowing i'm truly going to be dead one day and nobody will remember anything, nor will i, is both terrifying but very motivating at the same time. i literally only have this life. the one in my head is unfortunately still just a part of this life, so although i've created a whole alternate reality in my mind, that hasn't actually happened. what has happened is i've daydreamed and spent countless hours just making up fantasies. i don't know if it's conceited or self-centered of me, how much i talk to myself, but it's a trait i really want to work on changing. what i do know, is that i've only done it out of self-protection and fear of others because i've grown up around not very good people, unfortunately. still working on trying to get these toxic people out of my life, but that's a story for another day. second thing i've realized- i deeply yearn for genuine connection, as everyone else does. so i'm not as different from others as i might've once believed. i never felt like i could fit in, like i had to act like someone else just to be liked, or even tolerated, but that never led to something healthy nor real. and so i isolated myself for a really, really long time.
but i feel very embarrassed about the way i've been living my life, it has felt inauthentic and quite sad, if you're looking from the outside in. now, more than ever, i feel like i'll be misunderstood. which is what paralyzes me to this moment, from meeting others in real life. i have never felt more inferior and "other-ed" than i do in this moment. but there is a side of me that knows i deeply deserve better, that i have needs and they deserve to be met, that i deserve to feel safe around at least one person. i'm sick and tired of having felt like i needed to wear a mask of some kind, in all previous friendships, it makes me feel sick of myself. but i understand that it was merely out of fear, it was the only way i knew how to protect myself. so i won't beat myself up for that. if anything, i'm grateful that i've reached this point. that although i've grown sad and bored of isolation, at least i still feel somewhat worthy of having real, loving people in my life. cause i would want the same for those that i love.
i am deeply lonely, but i've also loved being alone. i love being in my own company, and although i'm embarrassed about how afraid i am of social settings, and other traits of mine, i still appreciate several things about myself. as a quiet introvert, it's amazing to feel completely peaceful and unthreatened being all by myself. but i really want to share good things with good people. how can i move on past my shame and embarrassment to start meeting people? how can i stop caring if someone might not like something about myself i think is a flaw, like past failures or not being able to meet modern society's expectations? especially in the past couple of years, i've been numbing myself and distracting myself non-stop, too depressed to care at all, living like what some people perceive as a "bum," and these labels are genuinely debilitating.
@peaceandblessings Hey there,
First of all, it takes a lot of courage to reflect on your past and acknowledge these feelings. It's wonderful that you're becoming aware of your own thoughts and motivations. Self-reflection is a powerful tool for growth.
Life can sometimes feel incredibly daunting, especially when we contemplate our own mortality. But it's this awareness that can drive us to make the most out of the time we have. You're not alone in your yearning for genuine connection, it's a fundamental human need, and you deserve that connection just as much as anyone else.
It's okay to have spent time in your own company, being comfortable alone is a strength. The challenge lies in finding a balance that allows you to share your wonderful qualities with the world while accepting and embracing your vulnerabilities. It's not easy to shed the fear of judgment, but remember, your uniqueness is your strength. What you perceive as flaws might be the very things that make you relatable and genuine to others.
Moving past shame and embarrassment starts with self-acceptance. Be kind to yourself, recognize that your past actions were coping mechanisms, not inherent flaws. Embrace your journey, and understand that growth is a continuous process. As you work on accepting yourself, you'll naturally find it easier to let go of societal expectations and the fear of judgment.
Seeking out activities and communities that align with your interests can be a great way to meet like-minded people who appreciate you for who you are.
You're worthy of love, connection, and acceptance. Keep embracing your authentic self, and in time, you'll find people who appreciate you just as you are. You're not alone on this journey, we're here to support you every step of the way!
@Mya000 Hey Mya, thank you so much for this comment. I hope you're doing great!
@peaceandblessings You're very welcome! I'm doing well, thanks for asking. I am here if you ever need to talk 😊
You are allowed to both be an introvert and want to feel more connection to other people. They are not mutually exclusive things. You can actually live a life where you do both. I certainly do.
The first thing to do is focus on meeting people within spaces that make you most comfortable. What kinds of things do you like to do? Do you get outside at all? @peaceandblessings
I am not talking about starting out by socializing. You don't have to talk to anyone. What I am suggesting is that you get your feet wet by simply walking outside or at a park. Do it regularly. If you are brave enough, say hi. That is it. Keep doing that for a while and you will start to recognize faces. Give yourself lots of time to adapt to just doing this.
Sadly my circumstances don’t let me do that. There’s no place to see others that’s walking distance, and I rely on family for transportation. So I think my best bet is using the interwebs to find local communities. I just never get around to doing that cause I procrastinate by doing other tasks to keep myself busy, and then I feel like trash at the end of the day cause I’ve done this to myself.
Ok, I can understand the transportation problem. Really I would look at the issue from two sides. First, getting out (or even sitting by a window) to see the outside world is really helpful even if there are no people. That physical connection to nature is necessary to see the whole you and let your body and mind calm down together.
The second half is the actual loneliness piece. You can start with some research, but don't think of it as a big, huge task. Recognize that you are already doing some early forms of connecting here. You are a success from the start. Then start doing research. You don't need to join anything right away. Look around for a bit before deciding on just one group.
We can keep writing once per day until you strategize and come up with something that you are comfortable with. A week of procrastination, a month of procrastination, really aren't anything. You can always start the next day and you will be able to do it. @peaceandblessings
