want to make friends again, and i genuinely mean it this time, even if i'm terrified
hey everyone!
i've been reflecting on my past, as usual, and have realized two very important things- one, i reflect way too much. i've spent probably like 80% of my whole life in my head, and i finally want to change that. i think the more i think about death, and knowing i'm truly going to be dead one day and nobody will remember anything, nor will i, is both terrifying but very motivating at the same time. i literally only have this life. the one in my head is unfortunately still just a part of this life, so although i've created a whole alternate reality in my mind, that hasn't actually happened. what has happened is i've daydreamed and spent countless hours just making up fantasies. i don't know if it's conceited or self-centered of me, how much i talk to myself, but it's a trait i really want to work on changing. what i do know, is that i've only done it out of self-protection and fear of others because i've grown up around not very good people, unfortunately. still working on trying to get these toxic people out of my life, but that's a story for another day. second thing i've realized- i deeply yearn for genuine connection, as everyone else does. so i'm not as different from others as i might've once believed. i never felt like i could fit in, like i had to act like someone else just to be liked, or even tolerated, but that never led to something healthy nor real. and so i isolated myself for a really, really long time.
but i feel very embarrassed about the way i've been living my life, it has felt inauthentic and quite sad, if you're looking from the outside in. now, more than ever, i feel like i'll be misunderstood. which is what paralyzes me to this moment, from meeting others in real life. i have never felt more inferior and "other-ed" than i do in this moment. but there is a side of me that knows i deeply deserve better, that i have needs and they deserve to be met, that i deserve to feel safe around at least one person. i'm sick and tired of having felt like i needed to wear a mask of some kind, in all previous friendships, it makes me feel sick of myself. but i understand that it was merely out of fear, it was the only way i knew how to protect myself. so i won't beat myself up for that. if anything, i'm grateful that i've reached this point. that although i've grown sad and bored of isolation, at least i still feel somewhat worthy of having real, loving people in my life. cause i would want the same for those that i love.
i am deeply lonely, but i've also loved being alone. i love being in my own company, and although i'm embarrassed about how afraid i am of social settings, and other traits of mine, i still appreciate several things about myself. as a quiet introvert, it's amazing to feel completely peaceful and unthreatened being all by myself. but i really want to share good things with good people. how can i move on past my shame and embarrassment to start meeting people? how can i stop caring if someone might not like something about myself i think is a flaw, like past failures or not being able to meet modern society's expectations? especially in the past couple of years, i've been numbing myself and distracting myself non-stop, too depressed to care at all, living like what some people perceive as a "bum," and these labels are genuinely debilitating.