i'm at my rock bottom, resistant to anything good
as i reflect on my whole life up to this point, i am starting to notice that my depressive symptoms weren't as new as i once thought they were. in fact, i had experienced very bad trauma as a child which i think affected me a lot in the ways i interacted with others. and i even have memories of traumatic events which i don't know whether they are false memories or real. but despite everything that i had to go through, i was always able to sort of manage. i did very well in school, up until my late teen years, that's when things just started feeling so meaningless and i just cheated my way through classes. but i still did things i liked, and i could still get out of bed at a reasonably early time of day and take care of my most basic needs. that hasn't been happening anymore.
it wasn't until i aged into adulthood and no longer had the legal obligation of going to school that things started unraveling in ways i never thought i would go through. i really thought i'd finally allow myself to properly heal from all of the family trauma, that i'd be happy after graduating from high school and i thought i'd be more excited and willing to be independent and try new things. but it's just been the opposite. and now, especially within the last year, it's been a steep, downward slope. i have very much reached my rock bottom. i know this for sure cause i can see how my logic has become so flawed.
i have nothing and no one anymore. for the first time in my life i now see how fake all of my previous friendships and family bonds were; and it's because at some point, at a very early point in my life, i had to remain isolated from everyone. i was never fully myself. and it's made for a lifetime of loneliness. it doesn't even feel like i ever had a family. i can't name a single person from my family that wasn't absent. even if i did see them sometimes at a birthday party, there was never any connection. i still don't understand why i was never important enough to anyone in my family. it feels like nobody ever gave a damn. and my parents have been out of love since before they had me, and all of their frustration and lack of fulfillment was just something i had to deal with growing up and is still something i deal with. it didn't matter if i was hurting. any time i tried to express that i was in pain, i'd get comments like you're being too dramatic, i treat you so well i don't deserve to be treated this way, etc. etc.
the last few months have just been oure BS. i thought i was finally going to get better. but i got worse. i'm living like a proper loser now.
ever since i started university, it has been literally avoiding all socializing and taking classes for the sake of taking classes so that my parents are at peace knowing im enrolled but i have not actually committed to any degree yet. and im supposed to take classes for fall but it looks like i just can't because the past two semesters were just awful. they all were, but especially the last two. i barely passed the most recent one and i feel like an impostor whenever i'm at school. i don't trust myself at all.
taking showers drains me of all energy.
i can't brush my teeth at night and i almost never wear my retainer.
i can't bring myself to cook.
i can barely get out of bed. getting out of bed is usually the only real accomplishment i have daily. and if i do get out of bed, it's in the afternoon, sometimes it's been late evenings.
i can't get a job, i can't make friends.
every day i think i'll change this and fix the issue but it's just been the same thing of getting up, feeling sad, annoyed at myself, and scared, trying to soothe myself, it's night time again, so i'll just sleep now and try again tomorrow, i stay up watching whatever series or youtube podcast all night, fall asleep, repeat this cycle.
i've never felt more let down in my life and i'm the one who's doing it to myself. i'm keeping myself isolated and embarrassing myself. i feel embarrassed, ashamed, tired, sad, just desperate to change. i just want to keep being invisible but it hurts a lot now and i just want to be happy.
the worst part is, i've had so much time to seek professional help. i know i need to unpack everything with a psychologist but all i've done up to now is procrastinate on doing ANYTHING that is good for me. i don't know why but i feel so much resistance to talking to a professional. maybe it's because i don't know how to get the feelings out verbally, i think it's terrifying and unsafe.
i just want things to change. i want to convince myself that i am worthy of change for the better, that i can do it, but it feels so impossible, so hopeless.
@selfconfidentTiger8983 Hey tiger, thanks for your message. I'm just now reading these replies and it warms my heart to read these kinds of messages. I'm lacking a support system in my life right now and I have never felt more alone, but the good news is I think I'm on the right path. I started going to therapy and I'm overall not feeling as hopeless as when I wrote this!
@peaceandblessings
Hey, I'm so sorry to hear about the pain you're going through. It breaks my heart to know that you've been carrying the weight of childhood trauma and feeling the effects of it for so long. It's completely understandable that it has impacted the way you interact with others and view yourself. Those wounds run deep, and they can shape our experiences and emotions in profound ways.
Feeling isolated and questioning the authenticity of your connections with friends and family is incredibly tough. It's not fair that you've had to endure such loneliness and feel like nobody truly cared. You deserved love, support, and understanding, especially during those vulnerable moments when you expressed your pain.
Reaching rock bottom is a very difficult place to be, and it's okay to feel overwhelmed and hopeless. But please remember that you are not alone in this. I am here for you, and there are people who care deeply about you and want to see you happy and thriving. Taking that step to seek professional help can feel daunting, especially when you're feeling resistance and fear. It's totally normal to find it terrifying to verbalize your feelings and experiences. But I want you to know that talking to a psychologist or therapist can provide a safe and supportive space for you to unpack those emotions.
Change might feel impossible right now. Healing takes time, and it's a journey with ups and downs. Start by being gentle with yourself and taking small steps towards self-care. You are worthy of love, happiness, and a brighter future. You have so much strength within you, even if it feels hidden right now.
@patientSky1754 Hey sky, I haven’t even finished reading your message but I already started crying midway through. Thank you so much for being there, you have no idea how much of an impact your words have, I’ve been feeling more alone than I ever have, but I’ve recently learned that I think it’s just a sign of genuine growth and now that my emotions are coming out, I’ll allow myself to change how I see myself. I’ve never understood self love or being kind to myself, and I’ve also realized it has a whole lot to do with generational trauma. But I swear on my life, if I’ve been able to survive up to this point, I can end the bad traumatic cycles and self harm passed down, I can and I will change it. It’s my reason to keep going. I want to see what it's like to be healed from this lifelong cycle of trauma.
There’s a big part of me that wants to keep hiding and never come out, but there’s also someone (my inner child I suppose) that’s screaming at me to be kinder to myself. And I feel so much sadness for how much I let myself down, I felt hopeless for so long. But I don’t want that to be my life anymore. I wish I could’ve had the support and love I needed but I know I owe it to myself now to provide that for myself. It's a lot worse to hurt and hate myself rather than try learning to love myself. I am doing a little better now, I’ve started therapy, and I am starting to feel like change is possible. I’ve already changed in many small ways since I last posted this, and I just can’t wait to see how much more I can improve. I think I’m finally starting to feel worthy. It was quite terrifying to feel completely alone and have 0 worth at all as a human being for so long, but I know I owe it to myself to start respecting and loving myself, even if it takes some time to get there.@peaceandblessings
this is a very hard spot to be in. like you said, rock bottom for you. i know what you mean not having energy to brush teeth at night. i had that in the last several weeks. our energy and willpower depletes as we force yourselves to go through the motions during the day. i also know procrastination. it hold us from succeeding in life, i guess, because we don't believe in ourselves and we fear success.
if you are able channel your limited energy into one thing, IMHO, its therapy. you don't have to do it all or nothing. small steps. 1st call and ask if they take new patients. 2nd make appointment. reward yourself after making those small steps. when you start moving in the right direction, next step will be easier. I wish you a success, even if a small one now...
@LostTurtle2 Hey turtle, thanks for your message. I appreciate your support and empathy so much. I'm gratefully in a better direction, I managed to start going to therapy, and I am starting to be healthier in some ways that I wasn't before. I'm just sad because I don't understand why it's so hard for me to feel worthy of health, treatment, support. I've felt so alone for a long, long time and maybe it's that I feel like nobody can or would be willing to understand me or not judge me. But I know there's people like you and that makes me feel more reassured. It was terrifying to feel like there was no way I would get better but I finally feel like change is possible.
@peaceandblessings
Heyo, I just wanna say that I understand what you’re going through rn as I’m in a similar situation as well. And I want to let you know that you’re not alone and I believe in you. My advice is to try to find someone to talk to, it’s okie if it takes sometime to be able to open up, but you’re doing great by just opening up and sharing how you feel right now. It’s a step to healing yourself and while it’s not an easy path, you’re doing your best and you can be proud of yourself for that. Know that each step you take can be seen as an accomplishment, even just getting out of bed. Be gentle with yourself and take the time you need to heal. I wish you all the happiness and health in your journey. :)
@LullabyLambZZZ Thank you for the very kind words, lamb! We are in this together <3 Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone, I wish you so much love and healing as well! I've taken quite some big steps since this post, I am seeing a therapist and although it's been super horrible to put myself out of my comfort zone, I know this is what's best for me because healing is supposed to be uncomfortable at first. I hope you're doing great.
It sounds like you are in a really tough spot. Moving forward is going to probably involve that therapy and possibly some mediation. Your brain can't heal itself no matter how hard you try. It doesn't make you a failure in any way. It is just how your brain is.
Beating yourself up because you haven't found help yet makes things worse. You can start today. It is no different than starting yesterday.
What step would you like to take first? Contact your regular doctor or find a therapist?@peaceandblessings
@bestVase7265 Hi vase, thanks for your message! I grew up feeling guilt almost all the time and I hit a point where I was so depleted of energy and I couldn't keep up with anything anymore. But as you say, beating yourself up only ruins things even more. I'm finally recognizing where that guilt comes from and starting to realize it's okay for me to cope and I'm not a bad person even if I'm not doing "enough." I've managed to start going to therapy and it has been so hard to be honest and let myself feel. But I have been crying a lot more lately, which is pretty relieving. I think it's the enormous amount of suppressed feelings that are finally coming out, and I'm proud of myself for letting myself open up a bit more. I went so long not feeling worthy as just a human being, but I think things are changing for the better.
All of that sounds just awesome. It is really hard to deal with all those emotions but it is so much better once they are out on the table to look at and evaluate from more of a distance.
But that process involves being really brave. So go you! You are doing it.
There are bound to also be some down times also, but remember that you can always come back here. Slipping and sliding a bit also isn't a sign of failure. @peaceandblessings
So how have things been lately? I have been thinking about you. @peaceandblessings
Hey, I'm so genuinely happy to hear that you're doing better. I'm new here and I just saw this post and it just felt like you pulled the words right out of my head. I just want to say that please don't measure your self-worth with the things you should be doing but didn't do. Just be kind to yourself, I know everyone says that. But I also know that it's not easy but just think if someone you cared about was going through the same things, wouldn't you be kind to them? ( I saw something along the lines on Pinterest, "i just realised that I'm in love with myself but I don't love me back " and it's just so accurate that it sometimes knocks my breath away. I'm really glad that you're trying to love yourself back. I am too 💙)
What I've found helpful is, whenever I'm spiralling and just thinking all these negative and cruel things about myself, I start thinking about the child version of me. Because honestly it's her trauma and she just wasn't equipped to deal with all this but I have to heal for her.
Sorry, if I turned your post into my journal entry. Journaling is also something I find really helpful. I mean trust me I used to dread writing about myself and avoided it at all cost because I wasn't ready to face what I'd uncover. But I've been journaling for the past two week pretty consistently and it just really helps me so much.
P.s Have you listened to Mercury by imagine dragons?
If not, I'd really recommend both act - 1&2
@quietYard6318 Hey yard, thanks for leaving me such a thoughtful comment. Yes, if you’re referring to Mercury by Steve Lacy, I have listened to it, and I can absolutely resonate with the lyrics. Thanks for the rec, love Steve Lacy’s music, can’t believe I hadn’t heard this song before! And no need to apologize, I really enjoyed reading about your own experiences. I can relate on putting off journaling, in fact that’s what I’ve been doing all day! I’m aware now that it’s only my anxiety that makes me want to procrastinate on journaling, it feels overwhelming just cause of what you said, that you’re afraid of what you’d uncover. That’s basically what I feel about everything. I’m scared of letting go of old, abusive ways because I’m scared of what I’ll find, even if logically I know it’ll be good. I can’t help the way I feel. But I know embracing myself, my trauma, everything about myself, the feelings that I keep buried, is the only way to stop the toxicity from multiplying even further. I have to really look at myself in the mirror eventually, and accept what’s real. Otherwise it will only get worse from here.
I’m glad you could resonate with my original post, I hope you don’t feel alone because I’m here and I’ve been mean to myself before, just as you have. We’re in this together. And that quote, "I’m in love with myself but I don’t love me back," that's sad but true. It’s odd how as I’ve tried to be kinder to myself, as I’ve been learning to love myself, it has also brought a sense of guilt or like I’m doing something wrong. I guess it’s just after being so used to neglect, this change feels wrong but also good. And it’s still hard for me to stop holding myself accountable and feeling less worthy for not having accomplished what I wanted to do. Something I’m working through but honestly maybe I’ll never be able to feel worthy just as I am. Even if I don’t feel as worthless as I did yesterday, I don’t know if I’ll ever be free from the feeling that I have to go above and beyond to feel deserving of love. I still haven’t brought myself out of my comfort zone, still haven’t tried to meet people. My isolation is something that keeps me so safe but it’s definitely also destroyed me, and I now feel kind of embarrassed at how much I’ve kept myself isolated that it feels even harder to let go of that fear entirely. I guess I just need to own it, but I don’t know how to go about doing that. It seems so simple yet it’s just my obsession with the past and my own ego that makes me think this way. Like no matter how many times I’ve made someone laugh in the past, or been complimented, just knowing I might have wronged just one person and how often I’ve felt used just makes me scared and repulsed to be social or perceived at all. Anyway, if you have any advice on that, I would love to hear it. I hope you're doing well.
@peaceandblessings
Hey Peace, I'm doing really well lately but there's been a nagging voice in the back of my mind that something's going to go wrong pretty soon. I've been journaling to deal with that because I think it's just my subconscious trying to steer me towards my old habits as a way of having control over the situation.
I am no expert in making friends and the ones I had, I pushed them away when I was in the pits of depression. It convinced me that they didn't care, that they were just tolerating me. For most of them it was true but I also lost my best friend. Now whenever I meet someone new i just think that this is never going to last, then why even bother trying and this cycle just goes on.
I won't say that I have no friends. My sister is my best friend and without her in my life I wouldn't be here. She's the reason why I didn't give in all the way and why I'm here talking to you. Our relationship is not perfect in any way but we have each other.
I would say that just start with one person, it can be someone from your class you've always found intresting. It can be someone you already know, hang out with them to gauge if you want to take the friendship further. But don't beat yourself up or feel pressured to try. Here's good too. You might end up finding someone really interesting. Just go at your own pace.
I want to leave you with another quote I read on Pinterest - "the reason you self sabotage is because it allows you to predict what is going to happen, which is giving you the illusion of self control.'' - someone's therapist
P.s : I wanted to say this the first time too, your writing is really good. You should really consider doing something with it( if you aren't already :)
P.P.S : I was talking about mercury the album by imagine dragons but I just listened to the song by Steve Lacey and it's really good too. And it's crazy that you listened to something else but it turned out to be something we both can relate to. I guess something named mercury is going to be a masterpiece.
I hope your day/night is going well :)
@peaceandblessings
I'm so happy you came back and told us you're better, even if a little bit. We're all in it together, continuing out difficult journeys and figuring out the value of our lives and impact we make on the world. There is lots of pain along the way. The most important part is not to feel the pain alone. It's best to be together in a community. Such as this one. I'm doing better myself too. I connected better with my inner child and my true friend who helps me to discover the better me. So now, I'm not alone anymore. I wish you to make similar or even better breakthroughs yourself. Every each of us deserves to be happy.
@LostTurtle2 Thanks turtle, I'm also glad to be back. And I'm even happier that you've been doing better! You're right, building a supportive community is so important. I'm still having some trouble feeling more in control of myself, and I hate where it has landed me, but I know there's nothing I can do about the past and all I can change is right now. There's just a lot of negative self beliefs and buried feelings I have to work through. I've been numbing myself and distracting myself for so long that it's just difficult to change for the better.
You are worthy and came to the right place! It’s a daily struggle for me also. You made the most difficult step by posting here. That’s the first step on healing.
@Iscoot352 Thanks Scoot! Yes, posting here is hard and sometimes it's almost exhausting cause it's so easy to lie but I'm done hiding myself from my current reality. It's so hard to change negative beliefs about yourself, based on nothing but others' opinions, that you might have carried for so much time, but it is possible. There's more outside of what's in the little movie that always plays in our head. I'm proud of you as well for trying to heal. We're trying and that alone is worth celebrating. You're amazing just as you are!!
I’m so sorry to hear about everything that you’ve gone through. You should definitely consider consulting a professional about this. I hope that life gets better soon.
@Katsuddon Thanks Kat. I have been making some progress. But it's very slow and I'm starting to feel desperate. I'm trying to get out of my head and remember that all I can control is right now, I worry a lot about the future and I end up debilitating myself. I have a lot of self limiting beliefs and environmental factors that make it nearly impossible to change the way I feel about myself. I've started seeing a professional and they've helped me talk about things I've kept bottled up for a long time.
