i'm at my rock bottom, resistant to anything good

as i reflect on my whole life up to this point, i am starting to notice that my depressive symptoms weren't as new as i once thought they were. in fact, i had experienced very bad trauma as a child which i think affected me a lot in the ways i interacted with others. and i even have memories of traumatic events which i don't know whether they are false memories or real. but despite everything that i had to go through, i was always able to sort of manage. i did very well in school, up until my late teen years, that's when things just started feeling so meaningless and i just cheated my way through classes. but i still did things i liked, and i could still get out of bed at a reasonably early time of day and take care of my most basic needs. that hasn't been happening anymore.

it wasn't until i aged into adulthood and no longer had the legal obligation of going to school that things started unraveling in ways i never thought i would go through. i really thought i'd finally allow myself to properly heal from all of the family trauma, that i'd be happy after graduating from high school and i thought i'd be more excited and willing to be independent and try new things. but it's just been the opposite. and now, especially within the last year, it's been a steep, downward slope. i have very much reached my rock bottom. i know this for sure cause i can see how my logic has become so flawed.

i have nothing and no one anymore. for the first time in my life i now see how fake all of my previous friendships and family bonds were; and it's because at some point, at a very early point in my life, i had to remain isolated from everyone. i was never fully myself. and it's made for a lifetime of loneliness. it doesn't even feel like i ever had a family. i can't name a single person from my family that wasn't absent. even if i did see them sometimes at a birthday party, there was never any connection. i still don't understand why i was never important enough to anyone in my family. it feels like nobody ever gave a damn. and my parents have been out of love since before they had me, and all of their frustration and lack of fulfillment was just something i had to deal with growing up and is still something i deal with. it didn't matter if i was hurting. any time i tried to express that i was in pain, i'd get comments like you're being too dramatic, i treat you so well i don't deserve to be treated this way, etc. etc.

the last few months have just been oure BS. i thought i was finally going to get better. but i got worse. i'm living like a proper loser now.

ever since i started university, it has been literally avoiding all socializing and taking classes for the sake of taking classes so that my parents are at peace knowing im enrolled but i have not actually committed to any degree yet. and im supposed to take classes for fall but it looks like i just can't because the past two semesters were just awful. they all were, but especially the last two. i barely passed the most recent one and i feel like an impostor whenever i'm at school. i don't trust myself at all.

taking showers drains me of all energy.

i can't brush my teeth at night and i almost never wear my retainer.

i can't bring myself to cook.

i can barely get out of bed. getting out of bed is usually the only real accomplishment i have daily. and if i do get out of bed, it's in the afternoon, sometimes it's been late evenings.

i can't get a job, i can't make friends.

every day i think i'll change this and fix the issue but it's just been the same thing of getting up, feeling sad, annoyed at myself, and scared, trying to soothe myself, it's night time again, so i'll just sleep now and try again tomorrow, i stay up watching whatever series or youtube podcast all night, fall asleep, repeat this cycle.

i've never felt more let down in my life and i'm the one who's doing it to myself. i'm keeping myself isolated and embarrassing myself. i feel embarrassed, ashamed, tired, sad, just desperate to change. i just want to keep being invisible but it hurts a lot now and i just want to be happy.

the worst part is, i've had so much time to seek professional help. i know i need to unpack everything with a psychologist but all i've done up to now is procrastinate on doing ANYTHING that is good for me. i don't know why but i feel so much resistance to talking to a professional. maybe it's because i don't know how to get the feelings out verbally, i think it's terrifying and unsafe.

i just want things to change. i want to convince myself that i am worthy of change for the better, that i can do it, but it feels so impossible, so hopeless.