Never ending issues
I have been keeping my mom at an arm's length since November when she failed to show me some support (like she always has) regarding my goal of going abroad in front my father. Also, she checked my igcse results. I took 5 subjects and had straight A-s in all of them. 3A* and 2A. She had seen them when they came out in August and was pleased. But when I went to collect the certificate in November and she saw them again, it was like she was seeing it for the first time. Upon seeing the A in Math, she was like "Then what help did your tutor gave you!" She immediately corrected herself and said she was happy but only I knew the ***-ery of that reaction which just made me mad. That's the first thing you comment?
And why it looked like she was seeing it for the first time when she had already known my grades before? Because she is a forgetful person. She is a victim of psychiatric issues and a history of schizophrenia. She takes a lot of medicines, is in a better position now, and hasn't had an attack in a decade. But there are effects of an illness and its treatment, right? So she has the effects now, which include saying senseless stuff, saying the wrong stuff at the wrong moment, forgetfulness, hearing voices that aren't there when she is not busy.
Oh Anika then cut her some slack!?" Please do not tell me this when you are not in my position. Just because a person has had mental challenges doesn't mean they cannot be a narcissistic person or parent. It doesn't mean they have no personality, which can be ugly, just like normal people. It doesn't mean they do not have children who have suffered because of them and their personality. It doesn't mean they didn't abuse their children emotionally. I never blame her psychological condition - that's a medical issue. Something no one had a control over. But her personality? I blame. Her spinelessness? I blame. Her hiding behind her illness and using it as a shield for multiple bad attitudes? I blame. Very rare are people whose both parents are narcissistic and only they know how complicated dynamics are and how *** up situations we go through. Her comment on my A is still one of the lightest of the things I have tolerated. There are worse. And my sister has dealt with the worst with being beaten at the age of 3 with her hands tied and what not, and she wasn't even a psychiatric patient then.
What I want to emphasize on this post is what a big lack of coping mechanisms I have had for my mom all these years, and I continue to have none. Whatever I have suffered these 5 years and more which are my bad years I went through them painfully, esp in the case of my mom. We would just have ugly fights, then go back to being normal and nothing else. Every relationship needs to be healed, and I deserve a good life. I passed my exams this way, I don't want to pass the remaining life this way, having a problematic relationship with my mom. Any other time, I would still be fighting with her about her comment and the lack of support she shows for my abroad thing. But now I keep my door closed and limit contact and words with her because the stressful position I am in mentally would result in an escalation with her. She does nothing other than dismissing, refusing to admit her fault. A car cannot run on one tyre.
But I still suffer sometimes. Whenever I see her face, I remember the unresolved issues. I began to boil. I just drove her out of my room before I got into a fight. But how many more days like this? Without any coping strategy. I don't see any.
Ok, I am going to admit that I need a night off from answering. It is absolutely nothing that you have written. My own mental health is in a bit of a free fall at the moment due to the end of the semester, the holidays, having to apply for a job, several really bad student issues, and my aunt dying on my birthday. If you can give me 24 hours, I will respond tomorrow night in a more coherent fashion. Just put a quick message to me at the end of this thread and I will respond. I apologize. @anikaasad
@bestVase7265 Are you mad! You can even take months if you need! Because this is too much to deal with. I am so so sorry to know about your aunt and that too, on this occasion. I am extremely sorry. Please take care of your mental health first, get some clarity and I hope you can feel okay soon. Don't bother a bit about responding anytime soon. My prayers are with you. I really hope your situation gets easier.
Ok, I think that I can write a little more tonight. I can totally understand the challenge of dealing with your mom. You want to be supportive but she is also hurting you. So you also need to back away a bit and find space where you can protect yourself. What would happen if you told your mom how hurt you were about her exam comment? I know that she is likely to not remember making it or dismiss it, but at least you would have told her how you feel. Sometimes that is pretty critical.
My advice tonight is based in something that I have to do tomorrow a bit, I will admit. I have called a meeting with a mentally ill student who is using her illness to bully me and spread lies about me that I can't answer because she says it causes her too much anxiety to meet with me. So I am finally forcing a meeting after a month and a half so I can say how badly I have been hurt. It might not solve anything but at least I will know that she is aware that mental illness isn't a free pass to attack others.
Sending strength and peace to you. @anikaasad
@bestVase7265 Oh thank you for replying. I am just checking your messages, and I admire the fact how kind you are for still responding amid everything you may be going through yourself, like you promised even though you didn't need to. I appreciate it a lot. It isn't fair what she's doing. Absolutely unethical. How did the meeting go, if I may ask?
And I did tell her but it was very negatively which didn't give an outcome. Why things escalate with my mom is also because of my lack of strongly getting past the negative feelings triggered by her without giving into them. I need to have a calm mind, and I'll try in sometime to convey the minimum things, the main things that have upset me these days.
I am doing a bit better now that I am no longer in the classroom for a few weeks and am just grading and preparing for the holidays. Things are still very stressful as they are at this time every year, but I am feeling like I can manage it (at least for today).
The meeting with the student went horribly to be honest. It wasn't just her and me. There were three other colleagues of mine. They were very much trying to support her in getting her to voice what I had done wrong. This is indeed a major mental health issue for her because she is an Asian student whose parents expect perfection and never questioning authority. However, that meant me sitting there apologizing over and over for mini-slights when I had said something wrong or had been misinterpreted. So I looked bad in front of my colleagues. I think that her parents' abuse and expectations have ultimately led her to not forgive others for making errors. That is the real danger when you have a bad home situation - presuming that people on the outside of it are just like all of your abusive family members. You become hyper aware and really sensitive, not realizing that those are the people who have been put in your life to assist you and cheer you on. But she ran over me like a steamroller and it took me a few days to get to the point where I could process it all.
She still has to finish all of her coursework with me. My goal is much the same as yours - not to let the stuff trigger me. If she asks for more time, it will not be offered and she will have to just take the class again.
So we take a deep breath and just move forward. @anikaasad
@bestVase7265 I'm so so sorry to hear this. You do not deserve it. Hearing you say you were made to look bad is something I can understand very well. No one should feel like that. I wish it stops feeling so bad as the days go on, and things get stable with her case to the extent that you do not have to face this. Parental abuse just *** you up. I see my sister and even tho she doesn't have a mental illness, there are things quite closer to it that she has developed in her personality - thanks to my awful parents, which results in troubling times with her and me ourselves.
I would like to wish you happy holidays despite the stress that can hardly make us completely enjoy the festivities. I have been a feeling a little blue for the last 2-3 days. Other than the fact that December has been a blowing-my-nose-every-now-and-then month and I feel fatigued, I have been blank, and haven't really thought about the things I usually do. I am excited (or should i say, bringing back my excitement) for a movie that released yesterday, and I'll go see it. It's called Dunki, and it has my favourite star so yeah.
And yes, let's keep moving forward...
I am glad that you are moving forward with the movie. That sounds like a positive step. It is the best thing to do when you are feeling a little down.
I am trying to do similar stuff since I don't have to worry about school too much for a few weeks. It can be really hard when your schedule suddenly feels too open. Those little activities keep you grounded.@anikaasad
@bestVase7265 Merry Christmas, Dawn!!! 🎄🎁🎅❤️❤️ I hope you continue to be the way you are, and are showered with love, respect and peace. You have supported me a lot in more than a year in the way you could and every time I think about it, it touches my heart. Please do continue to do this.🙏 I'll try my best to do the same, even though I am far less mature and most of the time in a position where I require more help and take more.
I could be better, but I am always happier during Christmas. And having cakes is always my tradition.
just got into a bad fight with my mom . It’s so exhausting and depressing . home isn’t home. Text me if you need to vent
Thanks so much for the holiday wishes. You are much more supportive than you know and I am glad that I am supportive as well. Of course, I will continue offering any upbeat words that I can.
It has been a good holiday even though my parents are getting older and harder to manage. We had a successful day today which was good. I am very much a cookie person myself and made three kinds this year. I also made an eggplant dish for everyone which turned out well.
I hope that the rest of your week goes well.
@bestVase7265 That's amazing! I love cookies. I have had plenty of Belgian cookies and chocolates in November, thanks to my sister for bringing them for me. They are so yummy.
Happy New Year, Dawn! ❤️🥺🎇
Wishing for a kinder, peaceful, happier, saner and a prosperous new year for both of us. My plenty of love and hug to you.❤️❤️
I love the "kinder, peaceful, happier, saner and a prosperous new year". I wish you the same.
I hope that your year started well. We went on a family walk which was nice. I have decided to focus this year on exercise and looking at at least one small daily detail more closely each day for a minute or two. Yesterday was watching the bouncy tail of a squirrel and today was finding a few interesting creatures on the beach (an Atlantic Salt Pork - I didn't know such a creature existed - It was kind of like a weird blob).
Do you have any goals for the year?
@anikaasad
@bestVase7265 This really made me smile. Squirrels are adorable TT and I loved your goal of noticing detail. It's actually a good step of practicing mindfulness. I cannot stress how much I'd love for my breathing to become deeper and steadier and relaxed. They are pretty shallow and when I stop everything for a moment and realise, they are pretty stressful. I think what would come close to your goal is having my food without looking at my phone which is something I do and it's not good. I should eat and notice my food. From there maybe I can move on to next steps. And I wish you consistency for all your goals, Dawn ❤️
I didn't really start my new year with goals, it actually stemmed from having suffered disappointments of the last few years, although 2023 was much efficient than the previous ones and I'm grateful. But my mind has been blank since around the 20th of Dec and I think it's a protective measure I have taken in order not to break down. I don't know how to explain this without sounding loser-ish because I know starting my A-level subjects and focussing on my graphic design skill are the tasks needed to be done. But my barrier, preventing any thoughts that can enter my mind is a result of the heartbroken feeling I know I am still having because of my dad, because of the uncertainty of going to Malaysia and because my sister hasn't still found a job. I have never been a person who has had to stiffle any feeling and my breakdowns or emotions but I am doing exactly that these days and that results into unproductivity and not doing the 2 tasks. One could say I could cry and move on, but I also see that I am not crying even when I'd want to. I just need to start and not remain in bed any longer (this start is also a trigger as I remember all the times I have had to things I didn't want to do just because my parents choose to make my life ***) I just want to stop feeling so powerless. Why does it always have to be so hard for people like me with similar parents. I look at saner families and I feel so jealous. They all have issues but there are some things I just crave and long for. And all those I can only achieve with financial stability (that I'll have to earn) and educational stability (that is what I want for myself).
I want to ask, can you help me select my subjects? I want to study Business in my undergraduation. International Business/Entrepreneurship or any course close to that. Economics, Accounting, Business, Math, Psychology - these are my A-level subject choices, I think.
Which 3 of the 5 do you feel would be a good combination for a student like me with all consideration of my plan in university? I would have asked my teachers but I guess that would still take some time. I am not talking to many people these days either, so...I am just asking you. Can you believe I am in this zone and my mother doesn't ask a thing about my academic plans and my dad is like always out of the city? I just dislike her, but good thing is I haven't for once jumped on her about this yet because this is just a waste of energy and I'll lose it more. No point. I'm trying to keep boundaries, if you can even call it that, with her and let's see if they remain in place. I feel so unsure of everything. You know you could suggest me some goals if you want as I am willing to listen.
First of all, the year goals: that was my exact goal last year - tasting my food. I lasted for all of a week I think. I hope that you fare better than me. That is why I decided on the single mindful moment this year. I think I might be better at it because it wouldn't be food every day. We will see. Today it was watching a candle flame as the candle burned all the way to the end of its wick. I kept looking at it while I was working. I am also really bad at doing meditative breathing on my own. I bet you are much better at that one than me. But I do sing and that corporate breathing as part of a choir is really, really helpful for my mind.
You have every reason to be nervous about how things are going to proceed forward at the moment. You don't really know and that is naturally hard. Keep working on getting out of bed and getting outside. Do a bit of the graphic design every day. It doesn't need to be a huge amount. It will settle your brain.
As far as the courses: for international business I would do the economics, business and psychology. The key is breadth. You want to be open to lots of flexible options and accounting and math can be a little more limiting in terms of careers. Does that help?@anikaasad
Today my moment was listening to the rain. It was falling really hard to the point that you couldn't see out the window. But there was something peaceful in just closing my eyes and listening. Did you have any moments where you were more connected today?
I can understand completely why your sister's words are bothering you in the moment. You are more emotionally healthy than her right now. She is panicking and you are trying to avoid the same state for yourself. But her overreaction is showing you some things. It shows you that surviving where you are right now for the moment is doable. You will eventually find a good path forward and your brain is telling you that it is there if you just keep looking. The new path isn't based in your parents. It is in your heart. So when you see your sister blaming them for where she is, you can see that argument doesn't hold water. That doesn't mean that your parents haven't been awful or that they don't make things unbelievably hard. But you can do this. And your sister's panic is showing you what won't work to get you out. @anikaasad
That is all pretty excellent news. You are really finding a way forward. I am so glad that your sister is helping you to put it in perspective. Yes, you might need some help with anxiety, but you are going to find a way to make things happen. It is just a really slow process and you don't know what the next stage is going to look like. That is always scary. I am glad that you decided to start your A levels. I know that it isn't what you want, but your sister is right that slight curves in the road doesn't make the destination any less possible. She is actually proof of that.
I do like listening to rain myself. It is very peaceful. We haven't had any all that recently here but it was nice when we did. I am sure that we will again soon.
I have been okay over the last few months. Last semester was a rough one for me and January was pretty heartbreaking when I didn't get a job that I applied for. But I am healing from all of that and am beginning to realize that the job wouldn't have been a good fit anyway. But that process of getting over the hurt from a place that I have worked for over 20 years hasn't always been easy because I run into the people who didn't hire me regularly. So I am trying to take a little more time for me lately.
I continue to watch for moments each day (although my days are a little over busy right now). Mine today was as I was driving home tonight there were a bunch of small leaves that kept going in front of my headlights as I drove. They looked vaguely like snow because there were so many. It was vaguely disorienting but pretty. I hadn't compared leaves and snow before.@anikaasad
Always remember that things can flip around when you least expect them to. They can very much change for your sister and you, but I get how difficult it is to see her suffering and withdrawn. She just needs tons of space to keep going in the job hunt. Sometimes that involves talking and sometimes it involves digging in silently. But the best that you can do is always be a listening ear when she wants it, make sure that she looks like she is eating and drinking enough, and try to get outside with her when you can. She needs to see during the job search that she is still valuable for other things beyond just a job.
My own situation has gotten better. My immediate supervisor dean has always been on my side. That support has been invaluable. She has worked very hard to get me a different contract than the temporary one that I am on every year. She didn't quite succeed this year, but she got me closer to a more respectable position. For the first time since 1996 (yes I am old), I have a full-time contract for the year rather than a part-time one. I was quite thrilled, but my dean kept telling me not to thank her because she had asked for three years rather than one. We can try again for the three year contract next year.
It is all one step at a time, just like your own academic journey. The pace matters less than moving forward at all. Medication for your mental health issues is a step in the right direction. They have plenty just for anxiety. Therapy would help too, but baby steps are always good.
It is also okay that you have been rewatching and commenting on a show. As long as you don't do it all day, such things can really be a relief rather than a guilty pleasure. Your brain sometimes needs a break. My moment of focus today was probably drinking tea. I have begun drinking lots more tea lately to try to be healthier. Overall it is very relaxing to drink, though sometimes it makes me a little too warm when it is already hot outside. @anikaasad
@anikaasad
Sweet, I totally feel your pain.
Same issues with my mom.. only she doesn't have psychological stuff like that. She can be kind, often hides behind a cloak of ignorance, but she sure knows how to push my buttons
And because she's playing the ignorance, pity card, her words that cut have to be swallowed.
I & my siblings have dealt with that for years.
Talk about being constantly compared to all and what not, been stifled if you're not meek, fearful etc.
Been taken advantage of was something we suffered in childhood because our mum wouldn't have it another way (maybe its due to her personality, I've forgiven her for that, because we didn't make ourselves. But where I have a problem is here you're trying to rub it off on me(
So, with regards to what you said about coping mechanism,my dear, you already have one, & that's keeping your distance. If that's going to help you stay sane, since she's not seeing anything wrong with her actions etc.
Keep your distance.
I love my mum, but there's only so long I can be around her, even then, I'm cautious & quick to walk away from every potential landmine
So, do the same. Also, about her not supporting you to your father, could you think up your strong reasons yourself, appeal to him why this is important and the benefits it would bring?
& I'm proud of you for doing so well in your exams
Avoid unnecessary confrontations and channel all that energy into something productive. Hang around people who make you a better person, and as soon as possible find a way to not be constantly in that environment.
Here's to healing and peace 🥂❤️
@plumSugar2711 Thank you so so much for your kind words and appreciation. It feels nice. I still have a barrier up with her which I don't know how longer can I keep for without breaking at some point due to my uncertainty of going abroad. I wouldn't have thought about her support without fighting myself first at all. My dad is an abnormal person. He is toxic, controlling and doesn't want me to go away. I tried so hard, I fight so hard. Everytime we talked it took a toll on my mind. I am not on consistent talking terms with him now and he remains out of the town almost always for his toxic family/business/rivalry reasons. I have put a break on this fight for now because I want to remain sane. He isn't listening. My sister said she will help me as soon as she lands a job but it's been over 16 months she hasn't had one she's depressed and frustrated herself and I feel really bad for her. I don't earn and I don't know how to freelance and earn money. I don't know how long this is gonna go for. I feel depressed. I have finished my igcses 3 years late and I don't wanna be stuck in my stupid country for another 2 years.
@anikaasad
I'm so sorry you're going through this, really ❤️
Controlling parents.. I know.what that feels like, but sweet, about earning, now's a good time than ever to make a living online.
About your sis, has she graduated from college?
If she has, what did she major in? She can consider applying everywhere, online, offline.
LinkedIn is a good place to start.
For you sweet, having passed your exams, you can apply for scholarships and there's amazing opportunities out there.
Opportunities corner is a platform that I'm a part of and there's fully funded scholarships consistently posted there for international students. We are not allowed to post links here or I would have. But you can search for it on Google
Also, while you're applying for scholarships and all, you could apply for jobs in your environment!
Small part time jobs that lets you get out of the house and interact with people, breathe in fresh air you know? ❤️
I'm 28. All my teenage life my parents held me with an iron grip. I felt stifled. They practically wanted to control my life my choices and all. Enrolled.me in a uni that I didn't want, picked a course for me and insisted I do it. (They knew some people in position there so it was easy to set it up) controlled what I could.or couldn't do. I had to break out of their grip when I'd had enough, get a job and be on my two feet, because most times their power lies in the fact that you're dependent on them.
And oh, they had a lot to say about that, but I zoned out & stayed away as often as I could.
So dear, start small. Get a job.
You mentioned learning design, dear, start 💙
But get a physical job first that lets you get out of the house so you're not always overwhelmed when you come out of your room.
Make new friends, explore your hobbies, Then at night, work on your design skill.
I know it hurt, your not being supported by people you care about, dear, I dealt with that for the past decade. My heart's being broken into a thousand pieces more times than I care to name.
But I decided to step out of that environment once and for all, & I'm having my peace.
So, in summary,
- consider applying for fully funded scholarships for international students
- get a physical part time job to get you out of the house.
- Do what makes you happy, explore your hobbies, make new friends.
- work on your design skills. I don't know whether you've heard of Upwork or fiverr. They are international marketplaces where you can sell your digital skills like graphic/web design, web development, data analysis, virtual assistance and a whole lot of other skills.
Check them out on Google as well.
-For your sis, she can learn a skill as well to boost her resume. There are lots of online courses available
- Apply on LinkedIn consistently
- Update her CV & LinkedIn profile to make it pop to recruiters.
Here's to success for you and your sis and to achieving your dreams 🥂💖
Ok, so I am going to try to answer the thread here at the bottom so the print doesn't become too small.
I do totally understand that making new friends is really hard. It actually isn't any easier here either. It just looks like it in the media. They take time to start and they get going really slowly. So it isn't something that you should be looking for constantly. I am just saying that if someone offers to talk for 5 minutes or go out for tea or something do it. There is no harm in trying something like that for just a few minutes.
But we can just continue building our friendship at the same time, no problem. I have never imagined you pushing any bad boundaries and I doubt that you will. So no need to be concerned about that. There also isn't much that you can burden me with either. Say whatever you want. I have heard most of it before and it doesn't upset me in the least. If there is something that really concerns me then I promise that I will say something.
There is NOTHING silly about the physical self care that you are doing. That is actually a real way to heal and I am proud of you for doing it. It means that your depression is weakening a bit because you can care for your body. I have always found that the physical things that I do are SO much more important than trying to control my thoughts. I was never going to be able to control them. But I could always go on a walk or take a shower or prepare a nice meal. Once you have done something for a month it really does start to stick, so go you!
I can totally get your anxiety making you fearful of how me or anyone else might respond to you. That is exactly the anxiety that you are working on figuring out. But you are doing that and whenever you send a message and then open the response you are making it easier and easier to deal with that anxiety. It is a process you are aiming to get better at, not perfection. It is much like your self-care routine.
We all get racing thoughts. Yes, medication can help but you are figuring out a way forward in spite of not having those medications. But feel free to race here with those thoughts if you need to sometimes.
So did you see anything (or taste, smell, etc.) that got you living in the real world a bit more than normal? My moment today was a final class meeting where I brought interesting foods like spicy seaweed, melon seed crackers, and Italian meat potato chips to try. It was fun watching their faces eating things they had never tried before.
@bestVase7265 Oh I'm always open to a talk when offered, but I'm not very lucky there.
I don't know about my depression weakening, yes maybe it has weakened in that area where I can get my strong will to act. But I keep getting episodes. But I have also become more self-aware about them, thanks to my sister. My parents may believe it or not and even I might not be loud about it to my sister but everytime I stay around her, some of my things and habits really do improve and I feel like I'm living as a human. So yeah as I was saying that my depression may have weakened in a part, but my ocd and anxiety have gotten worse. Even if it's a good thing or a solution that I need to focus on, my mind becomes obsessed with trying to be consistent in it. It's like I can't breathe anywhere. I don't know how i reached this point. Is it a result of constant disappointment and delays (by my parents mostly) in other parts of my life that now I constantly fixate on one thing even if it's a good thing. It might be a part of self improvement but I hate having to keep it on mind 24/7 but it's not in my control. I try to curb it. I should visit the doctor and that will happen when my dad comes back to the city. I have decided I'll reply here sooner. This also is a step towards bettering my mental health. As I write, I already feel better. I won't delay. Omg I'm a big foodie and reading this bit is making me hungry! I love potatoes haha. The thing is I haven't been going out. I haven't ever since the heatwave got unbearable which was last month. But if you ask me if there has been moments that were calming and made me attempt at concentration, yes there were. It rained so viciously some days back, and on the 5th was the night of THE STORMIEST LOUDEST WINDIEST HEART-SOOTHING RAIN I HAVE SEEN IN YEARSSS!!!!! YEARS!!!! (imagine the intensity of the climate change then) and when the wind was blowing so fiercely I smelled, and felt the water droplets hitting on my face, and that moment gave some hope and joy. Everytime it rains a new wave of hopefulness comes with it. I have always love rains, and wishing I could go and stay in a lovelier place outside haha. And I had good nights of sleep last week. Its gonna rain again in some days. Heatwaves always bring rain.
As long as you are open to friend conversations they can still happen, luck or no luck.
I am glad that being around your sister helps with your depression. She understands what you are going through best. The depression will come back on occasion. That is normal. It will still feel bad. That is normal too. The key is that the episodes don't last as long. You getting back to being somewhat okay more quickly is excellent. It takes lots of hard work and you should praise yourself for that.
When the OCD and anxiety hit, what kinds of things do you do try to relieve them? Coming up with a plan might make them more manageable.
I agree that the more often that you get on here, the better you will feel. Make doing mental health things a part of daily activity. It really makes you more stable. It is great that you will go to the doctor as well.
I love the moment of rain that you discussed. Our rains have also been a bit late this year (by a week or two not months), but they finally started a bit yesterday. I know that feeling of relief when you can finally breathe again and things feel fresher. Tonight my moment was when I looked up at the clouds for a minute this evening. They were soft and see through tonight with the sun going down. The pink color was especially nice. I was thinking about the fact that we all can appreciate clouds anywhere on earth.
@anikaasad
When I try to praise myself for these things, I am reminded of the times I am pointed out my flaws which are also by my sister. It's not that she does it in an accusatory way but from the place where she wants me to be and feel better for my welfare. But I feel heartbroken either way. I don't like my flaws to be pointed out them during heated moments at home when I have been through and am still being made to go through (by my parents). My flaws include my lack of coping mechanisms, not having enough stability because I break upon the slightest discomfort, LEARNED BEHAVIOURS FROM MY PARENTS (that has its separate list i need to sort out). I'm reminded of this and I wonder whether I should really praise myself for any bare minimum effort at self-improvement. I also think if I should because people don't stop work despite their depression and I have issues where I struggle to keep going in one area in order to excel elsewhere. These things prevent me from appreciating myself fully, makes me think I'll be spoiling myself. It's funny because all my life what I always did not want to be was over critical of myself. I need help here.
I don't try anything because I don't have coping mechanisms. What is harmful is swiping the hurt and racing thoughts under the rug. I ended up becoming the person who does that. I think I have been doing that for more than 6 months. It could be longer because I was so engrossed in my exam prep and all last year I noticed nothing. But after they were over, ofc I was free and new things came up and in order to avoid feeling the hurt that triggered memories of all the hurt before 2023, I stopped clarifying thoughts even in my own head. My only question is, why do I have to keep doing things and my situation wouldn't change. My sister tells me stuff like "for myself" "to change my situation too" but I feel done hearing all that. I don't know how I'd feel hearing the same thing from outsiders, like it happened with my previous (and incompetent) counselors who would say the same things as my sister but I'm just done man. I don't know what will work for me or make me lively again. I want my situation to change - I want these recurrent academic breaks to stop in my life. I want to study my way. (I want to study Foundation in Malaysia which I also hesitate to express vocally nowadays because a question comes up within myself "am i being that demanding brat who is making a demand like that from my parents because it requires money? am i being the shameless one who wants the easy way out whereas i have a sister who fought tooth and nail to get out and reach abroad?") I want to stop feeling insecure about my age in terms of study year. I want to live somewhere nicer. I want to earn some if not a lot of money. But I'm also lethargic, and agitated to put efforts that I deep down know goes into making the last thing come true. I also hate my rants like this, but maybe they are needed now. I just fear remaining like this forever with my friends.
Ahh I wish to see clouds like that! I crave for it. I live in the most polluted city and the clear sky isn't visible with all the smoke and all. It is visible from some parts of the city, I guess? But not from my home sigh. I love clouds.
@bestVase7265 Ever went through times where your eyes are sleepy but you don't want to sleep? I don't know if the person going through that does it out of spite, in anger at their situation or does it simply stem from the stubbornness that is always there for wanting your life to be fixed. See, I'm not even phrasing it as "wanting to fix your life" but the other way because as much as I'm aware it won't be magically fixed, I feel like it's the wounded child in me who just wants to grieve and act stubborn due to all the trauma.
Having trouble sleeping. Insane back ache and headache. Have ordered new pillows. Hopefully it'll go away when they arrive. But my heart isn't at peace. It's these night hours I feel lonelier and remember all my unresolved issues. I become highly emotional. It's not easy to be as expressive always around my sister either who is depressed herself. I miss mom. I have been distant from her because of her narcissistic attitudes and also, a little because of the fact that I have my sister to keep me busy. All the love and care and attention and nagging that I usually crave from mom has shifted to my sister because she is here. One might say after hearing this that I'm bad at balancing relationships. I don't know how true that might be, but my mom is a very dysfunctional person who never puts any effort from her side. How nice it is then. Because it's always me who ends up suffering. After all and everything, my longing for my mom's attention, care and touch never ends. I also know I'll never get it anywhere. It might be confusing for people to listen to me call my mom narcissistic at the same time as say that I'll never find her love. The truth is, she is a complicated personality with narcissistic attitudes, untreated behaviors and a medical illness, but the wife that she may have been to my dad, or even the mother she was to my sister - she was none of that to me. She has always been soft, kind and maybe warmer towards me since childhood. It's why I connected to her the most and when I see her frequently losing that persona and her core self slipping in (not always), we reach that mode where I am mad, agitated and ripped off of her affection and closeness for a while and that phase drains me. Esp at times, at nights like this when I feel lonely, and all these thoughts are unstoppable, even tho I admit, not a single issue can be resolved by her, when in fact, many of the issues are there only because of the parent she is.
Lastly, Dawn I apologise in advance for what I am about to let you know which is that I have become someone who cannot stick to one point during rants and conversations. In a whole conversation, I might be complaining about something and suddenly I might jump into something else and there are too many parts to cover always. It's a reflection of my train of thoughts, and where I need work. But it can get pretty irritating to the other person who remains calm and takes effort to reply to one part whereas I jump to the next immediately, but know that I'll always pay attention to every response. It's just that I have too much to get out and it happens haphazardly. It's just a tiny warning I thought I should give you instead of leaving it all on you to figure out.
No one likes to have their flaws pointed out to them, especially by family members. I am sorry that you have to experience that.
Overcoming that isn't easy, but keep reminding yourself that how you see you is up to you. You can choose to believe those other people or you can choose to find a different path. You aren't what your parents or your sister see. You are so much more than that. We will keep working on convincing you, okay?
You do really need to praise yourself for the little stuff. I know that it feels unnecessary or wrong, but it is vitally necessary to feel better. When you focus on every little fault then the list feels too long to ever solve any of it. You forget that you actually are doing solid work every day. Just coming on here is solid work. That is why you can say "Hey, I did something today to be a little better than yesterday." It is what will save you and make you stronger.
You do indeed have coping mechanisms. They may not be perfect and they may not help always, but that doesn't mean that you don't have them. Forgetting things for a while is a solid coping mechanism. You can come back to it. You are prioritizing the hurts to deal with first and the ones to deal with later. Those are good things. No one ca
n deal with all their hurt at once. It is right to say that time heals wounds. Sometimes they get partially healed without us even seeing it.
Focus less on how your coping mechanisms are working and more on actively making your dreams come true. You aren't being a demanding brat in wanting to study in Malaysia. What is the next step that you need to take to make that happen? Let us see how to get you to that step. Think mini steps not big ones.
Having trouble sleeping is very much a depression sign. Making sure that I sleep for me is really critical. It is the only reason that I take medication. Night hours are particularly hard. Thoughts become uncontrolled. That happens with many of us. I do a lot of mantras to try to get myself back to sleep. Things like repeating over and over again "I am going to get an education" or "I am worthy" would be good ones for you.
I know it is hard because your parents are dysfunctional. You don't get the kind of love that you deserve. But you can still make that spot for yourself by starting small and focusing not on how they care for you but how you care for you.
You have nothing to apologize for or explain. Go in whatever direction you want and write what you want. Sometimes things just pour out. That is okay.
But do make it a goal to tell me one good thing or moment where you really felt connected happened. Even on the bad days. When you make that a habit it helps. Today was a rough day for me in the afternoon because I had to be a room with someone who didn't want me there and had told me so (it is a long story), but I survived the moment. So some days it is a matter of surviving. My good moment was a lovely dessert that I ate tonight at a celebration banquet at my son's school. It tasted much better than I thought it would at first glance. I nearly didn't pick one up, but I was so glad that I did.
If I miss any point in the next few nights in getting back right away, I apologize. We have about 15 people arriving tomorrow for the graduation. The event is on Saturday and I have to host a party the day after. Then I have my own school's graduation on Sunday, my own papers to grade and a three day workshop next week. So far so good, but it is a little overwhelming with the timing.
Oh no who wouldn't want you! But I guess all of us have another side of a story, you may have yours. You can share with me the long stories. Somedays I want to hear yours. I hope it was done and dusted. As I read about your rough moment I was thinking the best thing to cheer yourself with is a desert and I'm glad you did exactly that later on!
Don't apologise at alllll! It sounds like an interesting week. You mean you have two graduation parties and is one of them of your son's? Take care of yourself amid the busy hours and I hope everything goes well, Dawn.❤️ And let me know how both the events go.
Tell me more about your profession and work, as in, which part do you love the most about it and what made you choose.
Now about me telling you one good or memorable thing/moment, hmm I will try. Mine might not be as interesting as yours haha. I loved most of them. But when I go through super monotonous, stay-at-home days, it's boring. As of now....well, I just got excited hearing an unexpected thunderstorm lmao. Let's see what the next few days hold. I wish I can find some things within myself to feel good enough about.
I hope I feel better after some prescribed medications, I'll be going to the doctor the day after.
I don't know what the mini steps should be in the path of my going to Malaysia other than the continuing attempts at persuasion with my dad. Should it be some self-improvement activity. Should I get better with medicines first. Feel free to suggest. I feel I'm stuck either way because all options don't better my toxic environment and give me no life outside. It might sound pathetic but I'm still struggling with consistent A-level classes (the alternative) because of grief and inability to adapt and I am not taking offline classes because I don't want to go. If I take, it has to be online.
Forgetting things for a while is good but this good is undone when I stretch the numbness for too long and this is what I'm deciding to stop. Like coming here is a step towards that.
My biggest confusion is what and what not I should take from my sister. I'm not even saying family members because the only sane, logical, and learned person regardless of all flaws in the house is undoubtedly my sister. So it's her who has a mouth I can choose to trust. And I don't know which words to pay attention to. Some behavioural issues (results of my trauma) she points out, I agree and already know, but I don't say that in front of her but others I refuse to listen because it comes from her misunderstandings, and I have to admit something - I unintentionally end putting a weak picture of myself in front of them which is not my authentic or strongest self and they misunderstand thinking I need help. It is an unhealthy behaviour I have fallen prey to. I don't know how to fix that and I don't even try there. Because I'm not comfortable around these people, because I have always been the youngest child, and now with added traumas, I end up looking like a pathetic, messy version sometimes that I can't seem to get rid of when it shows even for my own betterment.
Anyway Dawn, have a good day, and reply when you are free enough.❤️
I am hoping that the bad story of my last year will be put to bed tomorrow when the student that I have had such trouble with graduates. But she might win a major award at the ceremony which would be painful for me to watch. I have let her know that she can contact me at any point she wants to attempt to resolve things, but I don't think that she will. So the graduation tomorrow is just something that I have to be at to show my other students that I care and to clap for them. I hope to be happier and more at peace when it is done.
My own son graduated today so that was quite nice to be with family. But preparing the party was quite intense. It is nice, however, to have all of my children done with everything except university studies. So that is my good moment for the day.
Unexpected thunderstorms are a perfect normal moment. I love them too and things like that are often what I recognize at the end of the day. They are wonderfully loud and feel so refreshing (at least for a brief moment afterwards). This week is just weird and different.
So tell me a little more about what you want to study and why in Malaysia? Explain the A-levels that you want to take online. You have attempted them already and had to back away? I know you have told me some of this stuff before, but you are at a different point now in understanding where you are going. So writing down what you want and why you want it is a starting point.
I also think that getting some medication started would be a good idea. Do you have someone who you can go to for that?
You are correct that coming here will help limit that numbness. Ultimately that is a good direction to head in.
I can imagine that it is hard to appear strong in front of family members who have always made you feel weak. That isn't your fault. I think the way that you start feeling stronger is finding some spaces outside of their presence. You need to build some spots and time for you. Maybe it is getting outside a little more, some private yoga time, reading a book, or making jewelry. When you carve out that space away from them for mini parts of your day then you will begin to find ways to present a stronger version of yourself in their presence. Does that make sense?
@anikaasad
I am hoping that the bad story of my last year will be put to bed tomorrow when the student that I have had such trouble with graduates. But she might win a major award at the ceremony which would be painful for me to watch. I have let her know that she can contact me at any point she wants to attempt to resolve things, but I don't think that she will. So the graduation tomorrow is just something that I have to be at to show my other students that I care and to clap for them. I hope to be happier and more at peace when it is done.
My own son graduated today so that was quite nice to be with family. But preparing the party was quite intense. It is nice, however, to have all of my children done with everything except university studies. So that is my good moment for the day.
Unexpected thunderstorms are a perfect normal moment. I love them too and things like that are often what I recognize at the end of the day. They are wonderfully loud and feel so refreshing (at least for a brief moment afterwards). This week is just weird and different.
So tell me a little more about what you want to study and why in Malaysia? Explain the A-levels that you want to take online. You have attempted them already and had to back away? I know you have told me some of this stuff before, but you are at a different point now in understanding where you are going. So writing down what you want and why you want it is a starting point.
I also think that getting some medication started would be a good idea. Do you have someone who you can go to for that?
You are correct that coming here will help limit that numbness. Ultimately that is a good direction to head in.
I can imagine that it is hard to appear strong in front of family members who have always made you feel weak. That isn't your fault. I think the way that you start feeling stronger is finding some spaces outside of their presence. You need to build some spots and time for you. Maybe it is getting outside a little more, some private yoga time, reading a book, or making jewelry. When you carve out that space away from them for mini parts of your day then you will begin to find ways to present a stronger version of yourself in their presence. Does that make sense?
@anikaasad
Is it the same student who gave you a tough day with that meeting where you were made to look bad in front of your colleagues? Sounds frustrating when you have to deal with that situation often, but hopefully you'll be hitting the conclusion already, or already have!? I can understand your feeling there. I'll be a little stung too. It's also very annoying when the other person refuses to resolve things or give closure to an issue whereas you are willing to try, and also especially if that person is within family, it is ***.
That's amazing!!!! Congratulations to your son 🥺❤️🎉 That is indeed a wonderful moment for a mother.
So I went to the doctor yesterday. He is the same psychiatrist as my mom. It was okay. Very overwhelming because of my situation and my experiences with doctors in my own country aren't something I enjoy, but since he is experienced enough, has kept my mom on her feet for 10 years without any attack, I could go to him. I got my medicines prescribed for ocd, depression and irregular sleep. Total 3. I hope these do something to make me feel better. He also suggested counselling and it was hard to not roll my eyes in front of him because believe me, I don't think anyone who hasn't lived in Bangladesh can fathom how horrific its healthcare system is, let alone mental health care. It's no wonder people go outside the country for treatment. I just hate it to the core. And my past 5 counselors have killed any will for counselling. You know the funny thing is that it seems like they don't know even the difference between therapy and counselling. But but but, maybe just maybe I'll have one session with the person she suggested. Just to see her. I will not fall into any loop of addiction with sessions and waste money unnecessarily. Just one session would be enough for me to know. The kind of behavioural therapy I need is not available in my country, it's sad.
Okay so why I want to study in Malaysia - I suppose it's a mix of reasons. I'd never thought even in 2018 that I would be wanting to do foundation instead of the traditional A-levels. I remember being highly depressed in the year I was supposed to be sitting for my 10th exams. I could not. First time I realised the situation I was in solely because of my parents and their neglect and their mental abuse. I started questioning my future and amid all of that I came to know about Foundation and foundation courses are mostly offered in Malaysia, Singapore etc, best in Malaysia. In UK too but they are very expensive. And foundation courses are done with one's own money. After knowing what foundation was, its curriculum structure (which was 50% or more coursework and the rest exams, which was something I had always wanted as a way to learn the subject I would be taking and this was a chance) and there are universities in Malaysia that are affiliated to the prestigious UK universities and when you get in with Foundation, you have a higher chance of easily continuing there and even moving to the main campus which means moving to the UK. And moving anywhere outside my home country is my dream. Being able to go to Malaysia is a first step towards the dream. And why I am stressing on wanting to do it now and only now and crying that it isn't happening is because this is the perfect time! I have completed my 10th after huge hurdles. I have good results. I don't even need to give any additional exams like IELTS - yes foundations don't require that when you have English subject in your studied courses already. You just have to choose the session, apply, pay and apply for visa and move. And $I0,000 (everything combined) isn't something my dad doesn't have. You know I have never been to any country outside my own, Dawn. Well, never had the chance to, but this much I can say that the kind and quality of life I want, I can get it abroad. Europe sounds lovely and has always attracted me, but I'm not one of those either who will die if I cannot settle down there soon. There are other countries where life is better, things wouldn't look lifeless (and this isn’t stemming from my depression trust me, i actually have overgrown certain things of bangladesh and cannot imagine a life there which will not be fruitful) and i'll be happy. Even Malaysia will do for me. When I realise how easy this path is for me unlike the one that will be after I complete A-levels where I'll have to rely not only on my A-level results but also give ielts (i know it's easy when all prepped up but it's a step added either way, right?) And great results need study and dedication and I am unable, and okay even a little unwilling to have that dedication because the path is being made harder for me by my father just because he doesn't want to let me go. Funds aren't the issue, his stubbornness, refusal to abandon control are. I don't want to walk this path. I had to for my 10th exams because there was no alternative but to A-levels is. One might say oh you nailed it with O-levels (10th exams), then why not A-levels if you tried? Because I am tired! Tired of being made to walk the harder path and kick the convenient one out just because my egoistic father doesn't recognise the value of good opportunities and wants my sister to take me afTER shE hAs SeTtled dOwn in A foreIgn cOunTry (disgusting). I could nail my exams because I wanted to. And that want came from having no alternative. There's alternative now, and I can't get that. Let alone want, I only feel frustration. It also reflects my personality issues. Man, there will be storms coming in every area of my life where things may unfairly slips from my luck and a stable person will be dealing with it the best way they can. Like ***, my sister who I have always seen screaming and traumatised has been going on with the job hunting and phd preparing with utmost patience and evergy. She has had therapy while she was in Beligium tho. And I am a person who breaks so easily and has difficulty adjusting with the uncomfortable. I still would not say I am wrong in wanting this. In breaking either. But I may be somewhat wrong in keeping me sane and happy despite everything. But I have trouble being happy because I want my changed situation to make me so. Another thing is, since Foundation is one year course, I thought it'll let me fill that one year gap among 3 years education gap (this may come from my insecurity but whatever) but oh I don't know how much meaning it even holds considering I'm still losing time as I write this or robably 2 years more. And this wrecks me. How can I be happy in my day having all this issues in my life?
About A-levels, private schools in my country work a little differently. Students when the reach the 9th-11th grade focus more on coaching institutions rather than school for studies and exams. So A-level classes are offered in coaching institutions, and some of them offer online classes. Session starts in Jan and June. I still haven't registered.
I do agree with you on the last part. When I make jewellery, create something or achieve success in some task or so, I feel empowered and find myself more likeable to myself, tho a person should be with all version of themselves but you know what I mean. It does feel good. I have been thinking of joining a gym. I don't know how I feel yet. Abandoning consistency scares me in every aspect now, and I want to be consistent.
Gosh this became too long.
Graduations all done. I am happy. I still have a busy week ahead, but it feels a little more manageable and I don't have to worry about that student any more unless she decides to contact me.
I am glad that you were able to find someone to give you some medications to try. Remember that at first it can take a while to adjust to them. You have to be really patient and tell the doctor when they are making things worse. It took me a while to find the right combination. It also took me a while to find the right therapist. So I am glad that you are willing to try a single session. If it doesn't work that isn't your fault. But the psychiatrist is correct that therapy plus medication leads to healing for more people than not doing both. Always go for women on the therapy front when you can. You have done an awesome job already in putting yourself in a better spot in terms of medication. None of that is easy to do so you should congratulate yourself.
You have a very well thought out reasoning for going to Malaysia. You are correct that your father's stubbornness is a key block that you need to figure out a way around. And there is always a way around. The key is to figure out something that he might see as a compromise without it really being one. I am presuming that you have spoken with your dad multiple times about alternatives. What has he said exactly? Have you said that waiting longer for your sister to find something stable isn't working? If you started your A levels (I really get why you don't want to do them) is there any chance of escaping faster? The key is that you get out as quickly as you can at all costs. Having only one plan for yourself versus multiple possibilities that you leave slower. I would look to try to do something online. Keep researching as many options as you can. Let me know what you uncover.
But little things in your real life right now are also great starting points. Join the gym and keep making jewelry. You aren't abandoning anything when you try something new. You are just expanding horizons in good ways.
So what was one good moment that you had today? Mine was lighting a candle and watching a flame for a few minutes before blowing it out.
Yes, you're completely right about the medications. You know I have almost slept the whole day today. The sleeping pill is adusting to my body and I deal with heightened emotions already, as in, it's either up or low, so the other 2 medicines are also adusting to those. I'm feeling slightly blue right now. It's nightime here. Hopefully these medines work for the better, and more effectively than my last ones prescribed by the adolescent psychiatrist who I do not need anymore.
Yes, I always choose women for counselling. I'm not too comfortable with men. The problem is, like I already said, they seem to barely know the difference between counselling and therapy. How can such an incompetent healthcare system help me. I'll just give one chance to the counseller the doctor suggested to see for myself.
My dad is very stubborn. He either wants to avoid talking about it, put it off for sometime later or it escalates into something else because he wants things to happen the way he intends. He wants me keep me for 2 years. "I dont want to let you go yet" and he doesn't understand my plight or the pressure he creates on my sister either by always attempting to put me on her shoulders. Things do not work his way. The world will not stop and I'll keep losing opportunities like this. There is no chance other than starting A-levels from the beginning and completing it in 2026. I dread this. My panic attack begins just like that. My sister tells me not to worry myself too much with the future but she doesn't understand. I need to finish this stage and get admitted to university to feel like my life is heading somewhere. Researching online as in?
Thank you for saying this - I hope to stick to those little improvements I made. Let's see about the gym. As I always say, I'm lazy and can't seem to trust my own body, I wonder if I can do it well.
That's great and something I have been suggested to do too. Nothing specific for me. I want to say that I have been sleeping comfortably for the past two days and it feels like my body has got relaxed. But I hope it doesn't become a habit that I keep dozing off and sleep the whole day. I hope it isn't a lasting side effect but the that that the medicine is taking time to adjust to my body.
Something happened today. We got to know that my father has diabetes. I cried for some hours while my sister consoled me that it can be maintained by a modified diet and lifestyle. That we'll be okay. It was still scary. The amount of carelessness and ignorance patients show around me, in this country leaves me terrified. And I got heavily worried for my father. Who will take care of him while he's outside the city? "*** up" is an understatement for the lifestyle he leads. I have forever been that person who fears anything happening to the 3 people in my life. Yes, I know we do not live forever Dawn but I want them to live as healthily as they can. I have always prayed for that, I pray for that. So when I got this news, I got scared. I'm not very strong. No matter what he does, or my parents do I can never want them to go. It's probably inbuilt in people like me, no matter how toxic/dysfunctional their family is. I just pray it doesn't deteriorate. I feel scared.
The medication stuff will take a while, but you will get there. Give it lots of time and patience.
Remember that "the mental health system" is more than a system. It is made up of individuals many of whom are there because they want to care. They may fail sometimes. They can say the wrong thing. But knowing that there are people out there who would like to help you is an important fact. Lean into that part things rather than worrying so much if they understand the difference between counseling and therapy.
Ok, so you are right that your dad is probably not going to back down. So you don't want to begin online A levels because you will have to finish them and that will take time?? What about some other kind of online training program that would get you out of the country? Those are things you could start to research. Think more broadly about what kinds of training are available.
I am glad that you are continuing with the gym. I do believe that you have the strength to keep with it. Even if you miss a day, you can return and try again. Exercise will help clear your mind and help you to panic less. The exercise can also be tiring you. That is actually okay. Minimal naps during the day are okay as long as you aren't up all night. Try setting a timer.
You are scared about your dad simply because it is new information and because of the new medication that you are on impacting how you see everything. He will be okay with a modified diet. That diet is a healthier one overall for everyone. So focus on that for right now. You are right that he may decide against following medical advice the way that he should. But that will be on him. You focus on how to move your own life forward. You can do this. The immediate steps are more important than worrying about the distant future. @anikaasad
It has become increasingly difficult to look for a positive part among the negatives, that's how I have become but don't want to be.
Sadly at this stage there are no other trainings available. A levels and Foundation are the only options I have and because they are equivalent to the higher secondary year, I have to be taking one of them in order to get into university and I want to do that soon. My sister has said that on the 28th we will be talking about it in detail and I am upset and anxious because I know nothing will be in my favour. I'm told not to do it and think negatively but it is what it is.
I'm yet to start gym and oh my god Dawn I have been all drowsy during the day because of my medicines. My body feels heavy. I try to believe that it'll be normal in a few weeks. But I feel so tired because of them so maybe I'll start gym after a while and I can continue them.
Yes, I will need to do that. But I'll try to make sure he takes his health seriously. This is one of my weakest points. Their health. Anyway, how are you? All the same? Btw I think I asked you about some things you love about your work and profession and I don't remember if you replied to that part. Or we may have talked about it sometime back and I have forgotten it, pardon me. I forget things easily nowadays.
Just work hard so you can be able to move out and hold your own ASAP
