Never ending issues
I have been keeping my mom at an arm's length since November when she failed to show me some support (like she always has) regarding my goal of going abroad in front my father. Also, she checked my igcse results. I took 5 subjects and had straight A-s in all of them. 3A* and 2A. She had seen them when they came out in August and was pleased. But when I went to collect the certificate in November and she saw them again, it was like she was seeing it for the first time. Upon seeing the A in Math, she was like "Then what help did your tutor gave you!" She immediately corrected herself and said she was happy but only I knew the ***-ery of that reaction which just made me mad. That's the first thing you comment?
And why it looked like she was seeing it for the first time when she had already known my grades before? Because she is a forgetful person. She is a victim of psychiatric issues and a history of schizophrenia. She takes a lot of medicines, is in a better position now, and hasn't had an attack in a decade. But there are effects of an illness and its treatment, right? So she has the effects now, which include saying senseless stuff, saying the wrong stuff at the wrong moment, forgetfulness, hearing voices that aren't there when she is not busy.
Oh Anika then cut her some slack!?" Please do not tell me this when you are not in my position. Just because a person has had mental challenges doesn't mean they cannot be a narcissistic person or parent. It doesn't mean they have no personality, which can be ugly, just like normal people. It doesn't mean they do not have children who have suffered because of them and their personality. It doesn't mean they didn't abuse their children emotionally. I never blame her psychological condition - that's a medical issue. Something no one had a control over. But her personality? I blame. Her spinelessness? I blame. Her hiding behind her illness and using it as a shield for multiple bad attitudes? I blame. Very rare are people whose both parents are narcissistic and only they know how complicated dynamics are and how *** up situations we go through. Her comment on my A is still one of the lightest of the things I have tolerated. There are worse. And my sister has dealt with the worst with being beaten at the age of 3 with her hands tied and what not, and she wasn't even a psychiatric patient then.
What I want to emphasize on this post is what a big lack of coping mechanisms I have had for my mom all these years, and I continue to have none. Whatever I have suffered these 5 years and more which are my bad years I went through them painfully, esp in the case of my mom. We would just have ugly fights, then go back to being normal and nothing else. Every relationship needs to be healed, and I deserve a good life. I passed my exams this way, I don't want to pass the remaining life this way, having a problematic relationship with my mom. Any other time, I would still be fighting with her about her comment and the lack of support she shows for my abroad thing. But now I keep my door closed and limit contact and words with her because the stressful position I am in mentally would result in an escalation with her. She does nothing other than dismissing, refusing to admit her fault. A car cannot run on one tyre.
But I still suffer sometimes. Whenever I see her face, I remember the unresolved issues. I began to boil. I just drove her out of my room before I got into a fight. But how many more days like this? Without any coping strategy. I don't see any.
You aren't entirely to blame if focusing on positives is harder right now. Remember that your brain is adapting to new medication and that takes weeks. Sometimes you end up having to switch or go on smaller doses. It is typical that the other stuff gets harder while your brain adapts. But it does get better. The only thing that you need to be careful of is that the medication doesn't push you towards anything really drastic.
This is a battle and it is hard. But you are trying and that is ALL that matters. You haven't "become" anything. This is temporary. You are going to get tired and forget things but it will get better.
So what exactly happens on the 28th? Who are you talking to? Getting on ANY educational path at this point is better than being on none. I wish you all the best as you negotiate for yourself. You can do this.
Remember when you try the gym that you don't need to go for long. Even a little bit or getting outside and walking to the gym and back is helpful. Your brain will say that you are too tired but do it anyway.
Have you seen anything lately where you have been able to focus for just a few minutes on your senses? Look for things each day and write one down here. Mine today was a walk to a small lake with lots of birds. When we actually just sat and watched it was like a bird drama unfolding in front of us with birds fighting over fish and walking around with their babies.
You asked what I love about my job - I love inspiring students to believe in themselves and to learn new things. I also love reading new things myself. It is fun preparing for a new semester with all of its possibilities. That is what I am doing right now as of the end of last week. Grading papers is my least favorite.
Yeah, that is why my doctor told us to see him 2 weeks later when he prescribed the medicines to know how it is adapting to my brain.
None of my medicines have ever pushed me towards anything disastrous, thank God.
Thank you for making me hear that it is a temporary change because I hope to live and not just exist in the horrible way. Just yesterday we were looking at our old pictures of my early years and...I got really emotional. I was so happy and not a sign of frown. Of course life happens as you grow but I want to get that liveliness back on my face and soul and not be morose.
What happened was that we 4 talked and somewhat came to an alternate solution that helps me to pursue a Foundation course in this country for a year with chances to go abroad. I had already researched about it months ago and I dunno if the session is already gone or what. My sister said we'll check and told me to drop that worry on her head. She very calmly tried to explain some things to me. How I'm not yet fit to manage some things abroad, there's my medicines and doctor, there's my need for a guidance in the form of a mother and sister and I'm still a work in progress. All those issues were valid and none of them were said to me from an intention of keeping me stuck. She cares for me, her words oozed some sense and worry, and for that time I listened. And she is the only one in the family with excellent communication skills. But I remained adamant on not following the path my dad has in mind. I said that I don't want to follow my sister and go wherever she goes and my parents afterward. I just want to do a foundation course for a year and then apply to enter a university in Malaysia or UK. That's it. She was constantly telling me that it will happen. But also that I shouldn't be left alone in Malaysia just now, and that my medicines need to be adjusted and continued for some years and I have to understand it. My lifestyle needs some improvement and I need to go the gym so I can meet people outside my friend circle. Reminded me of your advice to be open for a comversation. All this and the main thing that now needs attention is knowing whether I can apply for that 1 foundation that exists in this country and the percentage of chances I will have of applying abroad because yes, as I told them, I don't want to do A-levels. I was adamant and crying because of the fear of being stuck for another 2 years and dealing with the shitiness of my parents and house which btw my sister promised she'll take care of and this is where I'm putting no faith in. She doesn't have a chance yet of going back to abroad but she is trying and trying and when she goes back, don't know what'll happen to me.
As of now I'm just reflecting on everything that's been said, along with struggling to get up because of the fatigue and hasn't made a concrete opinion but I need to look on the course in order to better my study life soon. You are right, I should be on an educational path. Thank you for always supporting me. It's whenever I come here I feel at peace. And what you said about tbe gym, my sister told me the same.
I know I should be bettering my focussing skills. Sadly I am nowhere near you there. But I find myself trying to when I'm physically comfortable and you know it's only in my air-conditioned room and finding anything to focus on here is baffling. There's so much heat outside - I'm that insufferable person who always focusses on tbe discomfort. That's another issue. My body doesn't know how to relax and concentrate. Some days ago it drizzled and everytime I look outside my balcony wh where the leaves of a palm tree and neem/margosa tree are moving along the wind as the droplets fall by and I think I enjoy looking at that.
I can't tell how much I adore your experiences! Makes me wish I could be there with you in every single one hahaha.
Nice to hear. Haha I think I caught that everytime you talked about grading papers.
Sorry that it took me an extra day to get back in touch!
That meeting where you sat down with everyone sounds like it went awesome. The key is that you don't feel stuck and a foundations course where you stay home for a year and get on the right meds sounds like a great way to do that. I am glad that your sister was helpful. You aren't going to end up following your dad's plan. You are going to follow yours.
The key is to focus on those little steps. What happens with your sister possibly leaving is a bridge that you can cross later. For right now, just worry about figuring out how to get into that foundations course and getting out and exercising. It would be great to get out and meet people, but start with just the exercising part. Doing that is going to make you feel less stuck and you won't be quite as anxious. Meeting people will happen, but if you do a few weeks of just observing first then you are going to feel better. Make it a plan to exercise daily if you can.
I never said that the focusing exercise was going to be easy. Some days it is hard for me too. What you mentioned from a few days ago works just fine as a moment. So too does sitting in front of the air conditioning, closing your eyes, and just breathing for a few minutes. I had a few today, but I think that the one that I will highlight for you is my hat. There is a small pond right near my house that I walk around daily (it is my big exercise). This morning it was embarrassing when my new hat blew off. I was able to get it quickly, but I realized that I really needed to find a way to tie it around my neck better. So I tied a piece of yarn to both sides. It isn't the best engineering, but it worked when I tried it this evening. So a small triumph for the day.
Back to grading papers again though now - I just picked up about 60 more that I have to evaluate in the next three weeks. I am trying to do three a day and not look down at the pile.
@bestVase7265 Hi! And now I'm very very sorry to get back after a week. I have been feeling very lazy and quite willing to let go of thoughts. My 3 medicines (a sleeping pill, an antidepressant, another for severe ocd) are really showing their full effect and they keep cutting my thoughts. My brain has become too relaxed than I'd like but I'm being told it's normal, that it's the normal mind one usually has. But my sister has also said that my body will return to being more active soon and it'll be okay. Idk tho when it'll be over and what day I'll be getting back to doing things turn by turn and feeling physically active ALONG WITH the benefits of my medication but WITHOUT the over-relaxing side effect of them. Even if relaxed, the things I want to share with you are plenty and I've been writing them with breaks. As I was saying, it's not even because of sadness I have avoided writing out here but simply because my brain is being utterly lazy. I try to belive in taking small steps like sticking to showering and skincare routine. I have to be in a zone to talk and I hate it.
I can understand your brain being lazy and you having trouble adjusting. It may be in the long run that the dosages on your medication are too high. I know that I take half pills and even quarter pills of the smallest dosages on mine. They just have too great an impact on my brain. But do the best you can to fight the feelings of complete relaxation and laziness. Get out and exercise. Get on here a little more often if that helps. Showering and skincare are great. Now you are ready to move onto more.
My moment today was actually three combined moments all around butterflies. First, I watched a Netflix show where an artist made a glass butterfly, then I did an online jigsaw puzzle of two white butterflies on flowers, and finally I saw a few butterflies in the bushes outside the window. I am not sure what seeing all of those butterflies meant, but I did like seeing how delicate they were. The air conditioning thing sounds good. Do you ever listen to music or anything while you are sitting there?
Ok - the first of your three updates is awesome. You actually went and did the research and learned some things that put you in the right direction. I know that it makes you anxious and I can understand that anxiety. But the anxiety itself isn't ultimately the problem. It only becomes an issue if it keeps you from moving forward. Look at the giant step that you just took in going to look at the school. You were just as anxious before you went as you were when you found out the actual program, right? But you went to find out about it anyway! You overcame your anxiety at that moment and should be proud of yourself. Now you just need to do the next mini-step - filling out the application materials. That is your only focus. You can worry about the courses once you start. You aren't going to waste money. You are going to get an education and get on your way into an adult life you enjoy. You are very bright and you can do this.
Your sister is a good model. She is going to figure things out for herself. I know she has had a number of rejections. I have been through similar things after getting my PhD including applying to 40 or more jobs over 18 months without even getting a letter back saying they had received my application materials. It was horrible and the height of my depression. Then the perfect job fell into my lap. Literally. People I knew from previous jobs called me up and offered me a one year contract. I still have that same job 8 years later and I love it. Your sister is going to find something. Keep distracting her when you can. Go out and get a special treat or go on a walk. You are helping her just by being there.
@anikaasad
But I feel the dosages are fine according to my condition for now...? I can so very well relate to taking the smaller pill of the smallest dosage because I needed to do that many times earlier too. My antidepressant drug's is 25mg, OCD's one is 100mg and 0.5 clonazepam (for sleep). Sorry, I know one probably shouldn't share things related to my prescription but you are not just anyone. Thought you could know. The important thing is that it was way harder in the first two weeks. So what my doctor did was club all my medications for nightime. No medicines in the morning. The dosage remained same. That helped. My nerves are just super sensitive and so is the function of my body. I'll keep trying. My mind remains so cool which I'm glad about. I'm just breathing and observing myself nowadays because hopefully my exercise will begin soon along with my classes (I hope I'm not jinxing it) which will take me two steps ahead, like you said. Today I'm feeling a little gloomy though. I'm doubting if what my sister said was true. I have felt abandoned for years. I was way too pampered in my very early years of childhood and dropped unprepared to the ground when I hit about 13 (they still often try to pamper me but the hurt takes time to go). And I have developed a problem with lack of attention. Lack of attention - this phrase. It's crazy that lack of attention bothers me. Everytime (without meds - i'm talking about my life before these meds) I am left alone upset, it's very difficult for me to divert my mind and find comfort from within myself. I crave for someone to cheer me up. I don't let anything go. And it's like it's a trauma response I give. These are behavioural issues which are curbed with the help of medicines.
Woah! Glass butterfly sounds mesmerising. Which show is that??? And I have watched a couple of stuff on Netflix too these days. Butterfly is my favourite favourite insect! I wish I could be in places that have colourful ones flying around me.
I have been observing facial features too closely these days to see how better I do and can study one. Like the other day, I took a deep breath and focussed on the aspects of my sister's face. I feel like it's also something random I could do.
Oh yes, I always do listen to music. They make me feel loads better. Can I tell you something random about me? I'm an extremely romantic at heart. Lol.🙈 So is my music taste, well, much of it I'd say. Not only music, but films, movies, books and maybe life...a little. Who knows.
Yeah a huge number of rejections. More than 200 jobs. And who applies to 40 PhDs? And weird cases happen where the recruiting officer (I don't know the exact designation but someone in charge) encourages her to apply and then flat out rejects her themselves in the beginning stage for some vague reason. So why they make her put in so much effort because writing and everything takes a *** lot of one's mind. There was that time when she actually managed to bag a contract but later it turned out the project that they were supposed to work in didn't get approval from the required place itself. The bad luck. I truly hope she also finds her job. A person can't be sitting forever, right? At least that's what I say to myself and her. But it feels so frightening and the what if's are always there.
Thank you so much for your motivating words always. I do give myself a pat in the back in this case. That I went and the course doesn't seem bad. I don't know what I'd have done or how I'd have been if I didn't have you to open my heart to so freely. I'm sorry for always making my replies about such deep/serious issues. I should definitely be more lighthearted.
Ok, it just deleted my whole message. I hate it when this website does that. I am going to try to reconstruct it but a little shorter.
I am glad to hear that you are adapting to the medication. Bedtime is better. You are going to resolve those issues about feeling abandoned or feeling a lack of attention. That did indeed happen and it takes a while to process. But remember that the most important person in the equation now is you. You are an adult so you can give yourself the attention that you always lacked. You are the driving force, no one else.
The show is called Blown Away and it is a glass blowing competition. It is always sad when they drop what they are making, but they come back so quickly. They don't have time to dwell on their failures at all. It is impressive.
I love the idea of watching facial features and listening to music. I need to do more of both.
My good moment today was my cat. I was feeling really down when she came and flipped over clunking her head into the ground. It is a really weird behavior because it looks painful. And it isn't as though she wants pets or anything. She just wants someone to say that she is cute. It makes me smile.
Don't worry about writing about rough stuff. Most people do. I am enjoying helping because it helps me too.
Hi! I'm sorry again to come back here after 19 days! So before the festive holidays, I went for some shopping. And 2 days of shopping in extremely unhealthy humid weather amid huge crowds took a toll on my health, and I may have caught an infection. That made me suffer for nearly two weeks of cough (that still hasn't completely gone away), scratchy throat and a fever only in the initial days which isn't the kind that makes you hotter to touch but just radiates heat within the body & makes you sweat. Then I suffered from PMDD which is a condition I have and this period has been a really messy and agonising one. Today I feel a little better. I hope my cough goes away soon but I have an extremely low immunity.
I'm gonna check out the show!
I adoooore cats!!! Cats and dogs. Even though I have this sliiiight irrational fear of getting scratched or bitten when coming near them, which I hope would vanish someday. I would like to tell you an incident, actually 2 incidents that made one day of mine very pleasant. The 2 days I had gone shopping like I just mentioned, one of them was with my sister, and we were at a grocery store where there was a man carrying a tiny lil baby boy who may not even be a year old. And as a baby's smile is one of the things that give me complete joy, I had great fun with him by making all kinds of faces and blinking eyes repeatedly that made him so excited giggly and look away in shy as if I just proposed to him. xD <3333 It was a very warm feeling. Next, when we came back home and going up to our apartment, we saw a cat in the stairs who was constantly meowing. It must be one of the neighbour's who I remember often seeing enter our building through an open window from the nearby flat of the building next to ours.
My sister and I both thought it must be hungry and being neglected and so we felt bad and took some amount of rice for him. The cat was getting away from us but we threw some rice in his way and kept the food at a corner, hoping he would eat some. God bless the cat. It was my first time doing so, and I realised something I always thought would happen which was that it brought happiness and satisfaction to my soul. Sadly, not many recognise the importance of these small but important deeds but these are some things that make me feel really good and it should be a common occurrence for people. These two things made my day really mean something. I just hate seeing pets and animals neglected or abused. I adore when they are loved so much that they come to you to get extra love and pamper. My sister's Belgian friend has a cat named Cami who is a really spoiled one but it makes me laugh everytime I hear about him.
On another hand, this also makes me remember opposite realities which are heartbreaking. I had also made a post related to it one day. https://www.7cups.com/forum/depression/JournalSupportCheckin_30/WhyIhatemycountry_319368/
To say a little more about myself, things are okay and I'm yet to start my classes. Since everything happens at the pace of a snail in my family, my admission will be done next week hopefully because my dad will be back by then. My classes have started this week. Then I need to give one try to that therapist and see if it goes somewhere. I don't rely on it. There's huge amounts of shadow work and processing of emotions that I need to do. You can say, I have a lot of emotional work to do in order to fix my behavioural disorders. It's a lot to me.
How are things with you? How's your son?
It can be hard when you feel like you have tons of emotional work to do. But you are already doing it. You are further along than you think. I know that I was surprised how things cleared up when I thought that I still had years of work ahead.
You are doing a great job in getting ready to start school again. You will do well.
I loved your cat and baby discussion. That all sounds lovely. Cats and babies can help you reconnect to yourself. Cats may sometimes be rejected by society, but they are hearty, friendly souls. You did a great job in trying to help them. I also loved the baby smile story.
What I am most sorry about is how sick you have been. That sounds really tough and discouraging. But you are on the mend and will soon have more energy. That is good.
I am going to try to check out your other post soon. I am actually away from home at the moment so I have a little less time. You won't be able to guess where - Belgium. I have never been here before. I am with my cousin who is much older than me. After a decade of caring for her mom and being unable to travel. she really deserved to get away, so I arranged a trip for her. We are going very slowly, but it is going well. This evening we are in Ghent and will see the city tomorrow. We have seen some very cute babies in trains and one extremely friendly cat.
@anikaasad
How are you how are you HOW ARE YOU DAWN??? I am even hesitating to apologise for a month delay because sorry means you never do it again but it always ends up happening sometimes. I hadn't replied to so many people because of my mind and this week I'm clearing everything and now it's your turn and I'm done. I don't know if it's a problem with my generation - this thing of disengaging/disappearing within yourself for some time because of brain fog and fatigue and depression that leads to this one problem specially - late replies or is it one of the things not limited to my generation and is simply one of the things related to mental health that we have only started to discover and talk about now.
What I can promise is my effort and will to get rid of this habit, along with my depression and all other illnesses. Yes, I'm having to mention illnesses because off late I have been forced to be very much into my health and the realisation of the fact that I have plenty of physical issues. So, I already told you about my psychiatrist and medications. Now your girl got glasses. Yes. All those headaches and eye strain and pain had a lot to do with my reduced vision that I WAS IN A DELUSION TO THINK AS NORMAL VISION. That much wrecked my mind had become probably. My sister had already guessed it. And thanks to her. I immediately required glasses and got them soon. Initially I was a bit upset because my vision was something I used to be happy about. Because I have always heard comments from my parents on how sharp my eyesight is which they lack. My sister made me understand, along with shutting them up, with the very logic that they don't see from my eyes and only I can know. And that eyesight takes time to get low. Years, in fact. So it could be that it started happening from my baby years. Sadly I was gaslighted and kept in a delusion. But thankfully I went to a doctor and one physical problem out of the way. I know it's something not even worthy to discuss about because it's only glasses and now I am pretty cool with them yay! But these were just my feelings and...my context.
Next I went to an endocrinologist because I seem to have severe hormonal issues and my sister feels the same. I have pmdd. I rage before periods. Excessive sweating and changed texture of skin and hair are a few of the symptoms. I have been given tests. Which I hope to take soon. Then I need to go to a dermatologist. And get my head wrapped around a routine fit for lifestyle modification and medications. I never realised hpw severe my physical illnesses have become and what level of discomfort I have been and still am in 24/7. My sister rages over the fact that I was left untreated and neglected by my parents for all this just because they are not sensible or educated enough to give me the help I need.
Anyway as I was saying, I will resume going to the hospital once things get stable. And by things, I mean the state of my country. I am not aware if you know, but Bangladesh is going through a political upheaval since mid July. It's more complicated than how the international media presents, and too greyer to be looked with a view like many humanists and our protestors choose to. Everything has gotten mixed. So it's difficult to go outside. When (not if because and I really pray to God the day comes immediately) things get better and we are able to go outside safely, I'll be the happiest. Please keep me in prayers. And may we survive this too. We will, right? I really couldn't sleep the whole night worrying about my country.
It's lovely to know you went to Belgium. Are you back? All the gushing praise and love I have heard from my sister about Belgium, no wonder one will have a good time. And it's my dream to visit the beauty of Europe ofc. I hope you have had a great trip?! Please let me know details. And be safe and well.❤️❤️
You know that you don't need to apologize with me. I understand when you are gone and am always glad when you return. Brain fog and depression make things hard period. We are good.
I know that glasses might feel like a bit of a defeat at the beginning because you prided yourself on good sight, but I think it is awesome that you are getting them. I have worn glasses since the 3rd grade. Your eyes probably deteriorated over time and you wouldn't have recognized it if people kept telling you your eyes were good. Anything that you can do to make your brain have to work less hard is great for your mental health. After a few days with them you are going to be less tired overall and more able to manage things. This is wonderful news!!
The other doctors sound great too. The mind and the body really are connected to one another. I think that all the changes are going to feel a bit odd for a while, but you are going to get a handle on things and you are going to feel better. I am so excited for you.
Political instability is very hard and I will be praying for you. I can imagine the fear that builds up and how that is compounded. Our own instability in the last few years has been really bad, but nothing like yours. I am sending lots of peace to everyone to calm their views and talk to one another rather than using threats and violence as they search for power. The rest of us just get caught up in the mess.
I did have a very lovely trip. We were only there for less than a week. We did Germany too for a total of 9 days. The travel itself was a little rougher because my cousin is older and getting off all of the trains, planes, etc. was a bit strenuous. But we did well overall and really enjoyed seeing the lovely buildings and eating wonderful food.
I have been back for about a month now and am getting ready to start my new semester now. It should be intense because we also have to move my youngest son onto campus, but I am not too stressed out over it.
@bestVase7265 Hi, Dawn 🥺 Thank you loads for understand me and my mental health. 5th of August had taken a toll on my mental and physical health that it took the whole of August to bring some amount of stability in my mind. As if my personal life wasn't enough, that I had to stress about my country too. And still have to stress to some extent. But after a month, I could take myself to a place where I take less stress about it, even tho none of the things that are happening here are what I want. The terrifying feeling for what may go wrong, for minorities and religious fundamentalism are always there. Even without all that, the political situation is in such distress. The government sectors are barely working properly. And despite what people may say, this feels like the most useless interim government ever. I'm not saying the last regime was any good because it was a dictator and corrupt regime which moved away from its core ideologies and didn't do substantial developments in education and all the sectors that help build a good society and fight extremism and don't let it grow. Just structural development isn't enough. I am very sensitive to news, mental health makes it worse esp if a news is a really bad one. But I try to get out of it at last and get back to hoping for the best for long-term because we didn't fight for independence in 1971 to just lose it to anti-nationals and extremists. Along with everything, please pray that I can leave this country soon. I love my land, our history and culture and everything but these people who do not think critically and act on emotion and its vulgar displays are what I want to stay miles away from. A nation is its people, I know but sadly, I hate the people here. I will always pray for the betterment of my country because unfortunately or fortunately I still have love for this land after all she has suffered. I also hate how big of a geopolitical game is at play to destabilise South Asia. Only 2 countries, India and Bangladesh, were a somewhat stable and thriving in this region because look at the worse conditions of Srilanka, Nepal, Pakistan and Afghanistan. Now it's chaos in Bangladesh. God knows what happens to India. Just please pray my country gets back to being stable and better in future and that too for long-term please. This is a wish from the deepest part of my soul.
It is so nice to hear from you again. I am sorry to hear about your mental health state due to the politics in Bangladesh. I know that it isn't quite the same scale by any means, but we too have been struggling against politicians more interested in their own power than in the stability of the country. Some days it feels like we are being ripped in two. But the last few months have finally felt a little more hopeful. Politics can really turn around unexpectedly towards the good just as easily as towards the bad. That is what I focus on. And my oldest son is heavily involved in politics. He ran the campaign of one of our state legislators (in the opposition party), got her elected, was her legislative aide for two years, and is now running her campaign again for the November election. I know that he is doing good and that good in politics is possible. That is what I focus on. It is possible in Bangladesh too.
I do pray that you will be able to leave the country soon. How is the school stuff going? I am glad that the glasses are good and especially that your sister finally got a job! Her hard work and not panicking finally paid off. It will pay off for you too. Keep doing the jewelry making.
My new semester is in its second week (the mini-semester that I talked about last time was only three weeks long) and is fairly good so far. This semester lasts until December. I think that I have probably signed up for too many committees and reading groups though. We will see.
Hi Dawn! How are you? I hope you didn't give up on hearing from me? I always come back. "Politics can really turn around unexpectedly towards the good just as easily towards the bad" - true, and I'll try to remember that. How's things with you? Especially after the election?
My sister went back to Belgium in October but not before coming up with a treatment plan with my doctor that included the change of medicines into a stronger one. My depression type is manic apparently, so I'm dealing with the effects of that and adjusting to my medicine dose. Sometimes I & my father reduce the dosage so my body doesn't feel too heavy. I have started therapy. I had my first session in October. Next is tomorrow. I know, too long a gap that isn't good. To the same one the doctor recommended in May that I was hesistant to go to, but I'm continuing as she seemed better. Let's see. There are other loads of stuff that I'll slowly talk with you. And in short, I'll probably be flying to Malaysia for the foundation course if things remain well for me mentally. That's about it on my school stuff. Delays, I know. But that's how it's been. Plus, I've been asked to really focus on starting to being well. So yeah...
That sounds all beautiful for you! I am glad that you are doing the therapy and getting the meds regulated. Such a positive direction! You are going to get on your way into a better future slowly but surely. That is excellent.
I looked at the date of our last message and realized that it was really shortly before my life began falling apart quite a bit. What can happen in such a short time? It started with some of my colleagues losing their jobs because we have fewer students. Then we got hit with two hurricanes within 3 weeks. Thousands of people lost their homes to flooding and tree damage including some friends. We lost our church building and my school went to online learning for a month. I spent about a week teaching online while our home had no electricity and little internet. Then two days after we got power back, my mom who lives 3 hours away broke her kneecap. That meant going there for a week and helping out before she could have surgery while continuing to try to teach (even while she was in surgery). We are finally back at school in person and my mom is slowly healing, but the grading pile and workload is unbelievably huge and I get almost no time for any form of rest. My own work position is very clearly under threat. In this exhausted state the horrible election results happened. I can't even begin to comprehend things at this point.
So my own recovery is going to take a long time. I am back seeing my therapist much more regularly. The sessions are hard but they help. Healing will come but I will need to be patient about the pacing of it all.
Sending love and peace. @anikaasad
I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am after hearing all of this... I'm so so sorry, Dawn. You went through a lot in a short span of time. If there's any way I could be a listeming ear in those times which I failed to, I highly apologise. I hope you had your family to lean onto though. What makes me most glad is that your mom is healing and you have access to therapy at least. It is unfair how we just have to keep showing up regardless of what we face, like the way you did when trying to teach online. You're unbelievably strong and brave. And the way you're still swimming, you really have my respect. Trust me on this. I'll pray for your job and hope that regardless what happens, may life take you to an upward position. If I were there, I'd hug you fpr everything you had to face.
Place your right hand on your left shoulder and your left hand on your right shoulder. There, please feel my hug. I hope therapy helps you regain your own peace and things keep getting better.
About me, last session was nice & I'm trying to increase productivity of my days a little. I try to go for walking every night before having dinner. I feel depression seep in at times and I cannot reason why. Will it always be this way? Me trying not to fall back. What is this feeling bad. This feels scary and upsetting, that's it.
You have my prayers and love always.
Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean huge amounts at this point. Don't feel guilty. I don't talk much on here about myself anyway. Helping others helps me stay focused.
I am doing everything that I can to keep floating (despite another possible storm and my office air conditioning failing again). I do puzzles, keep away from too much news and social media, cook, sing, do therapy, and walk daily. My therapist knows that I am basically using every kit in the tool box. But it does take time and patience.
I am glad the therapy is helping a bit and you are getting out walking. You are absolutely headed a better direction. The depression and all the rest of it will creep back in on occasion. That is normal and it is really frightening at first. It feels so much each time like it is going to be permanent again because the pain is still bad. But now you have techniques and medication that make those bad moments pass quicker. That will continue to happen as you get stronger. You will get more good and less bad.
When lots of bad strikes suddenly like it has with me, then it does all come back. At this point, I can't see the light but I am certain it is there. That makes all the difference. @anikaasad
I don't know what you're made of, your kindness has no bounds. The way you're hopeful as you should be is inspiring. Things will surely fall in place for you.
As for me, I don't know how ready I am for the gym. You know, the little weight that I have gained makes me anxious & unfit. I easily tire out. I also try to keep away from too much national news. I hope your air conditioning problem is fixed soon. Is it winter there already? How's that? I am willing to learn some cooking now.
I don't know why is it hard to keep yourself going during depression? Will it go away? I feel lonely. Scared about my future and the loneliness that is related. Because if this lonely feeling continues, I feel skeptic of letting myself be by my own. And that gets thinking of the near future. What is most upsetting is my loss of joy in activities be it watching a movie or things of that sort etc. It makes me feel not normal and breaks my heart.
Trust me. My kindness does have bounds. I currently have a student that I would like to strangle because he is just nasty. Trying not to focus on him.
We should be heading toward winter but it is still very warm. So maybe another tropical storm or hurricane is headed this way. It looked slightly better today than yesterday.
I also never go to the gym. I hate having people watch me like that. I just like to walk around quite a bit. Those walks are my exercise. That is good enough.
Will you always be lonely? No. You are finding the forward path. Some of that journey is temporarily lonely. But you have got this and are growing stronger.
It is very normal for older activities to not bring you as much joy for a bit. What I did was keep trying mini new ones until some clicked. Then slowly I could return to the older ones to find the joy again. But try new stuff first. @anikaasad
@anikaasad
It sounds like you’re grappling with a deeply challenging and painful situation, and I genuinely hear your frustration and hurt. It’s evident that your relationship with your mom has been a significant source of distress, and it’s understandable that you’re seeking ways to cope and find healing.
Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge the complex nature of your feelings. Your mother’s mental health issues and her behaviors have created a difficult dynamic, and it's valid to feel conflicted about how to handle this. Balancing empathy for her condition with the need to protect your own well-being can be incredibly challenging.
It’s crucial to recognize that your feelings of frustration and anger are legitimate and not solely a reflection of your own shortcomings or failure to cope. The emotional pain you've experienced is real and deserves validation. Your desire to have a healthier relationship and to move past these unresolved issues is a positive step towards healing.
Developing coping mechanisms can be a gradual process, especially when dealing with entrenched family dynamics. Consider exploring therapeutic options such as individual counseling or support groups where you can gain new strategies for managing these interactions and processing your emotions. These can offer a space to reflect on your experiences and develop healthier coping strategies.
Setting boundaries, as you’ve begun to do, is an important part of self-care. It can help protect your mental space and prevent further escalation. Alongside this, finding activities or practices that provide you with solace, such as journaling, mindfulness, or engaging in hobbies, can offer relief and help you process your feelings more constructively.
Ultimately, you deserve to live a fulfilling life with healthy relationships. It's a journey to find balance and understanding, both within yourself and in your interactions with others. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this path, and remember that seeking support and developing coping strategies is a sign of strength, not weakness.
