I've done so much, or have I?
I'm really not feeling well. I do so much unnecessary spending despite that I'm supposed to be saving, or prices have just gone up but still I must admit I spend unnecessarily. I think I'm just so done with everything that I do it irrationally and then later on always hate myself for it. But then I hate myself for other things and late at night about this time I get so worked up over how I'm owed money by someone, Idk if I can or should or have to sue. Then how I need to already have moved and gotten a visa I need to get. Then I think about how much I will have to put up with when I can follow through on certain plans. I think about how much I endure with home/family life, my father's health and his disbelief in mental illness while clearly suffering from things himself (likely wouldn't try to get diagnosed as he doesn't believe).
I think about how much I've done for my fiance and how little he does for me. I feel bad for expecting too much due to his diagnoses meanwhile telling myself I'm allowed to have expectations of him. I argue so much with myself over how horrible I feel and yet feel like I'm lying to myself, being a baby, idk. It all sucks. Every side of my life sucks.
I believe depression has its reasons and that for the most part I have an understanding as to why I feel this way, which is more than just what I've said. But then I question is it depression because I think I know why I feel how I do?
Why do I feel so horrible yet numb and I also blame myself for it all yet I don't outright blame myself verbally but I know I'm to blame. I don't know what qualifies as depression, or isn't and is just stupidity my sleep is so ruined, I feel like I've put up with so much over these years and done this to myself and yet I do blame people in my life for not doing their parts and I end up having to pull their weight.
I know a big thing of my going to another country is for my fiance because he needs support but in the first place it was about me and him being together. It morphed into him needing me for support. Then into me realizing I don't feel ok with things being all on me. I too need help. But I don't feel able to ask for it or recieve any. Especially not from him nor family. But the one who matters is my fiance as he'd be all I have. So I feel so stuck yet not, yet confused. Why am I always expected to take care and handle. Especially by my fiance? Just because I've done so doesn't mean I should have to always. Same goes for other topics. Why do things always have to be expected to be such a way due to his likes and mine always put to the side. Or so it feels.
I don't think I'm good at much honestly. I must add my temporary job I got while I had to quickly get a new job because I plan to leave. They love my work, my work ethic. They keep asking if I'm still leaving. I understand I try my best but I do really think I just do what every worker should do so I don't think it means much except that I'm somehow succeeding more than my co workers? Idk. Add in everyone asks if I've been paid back and when I'm leaving. It all adds to my stress. I don't know how I am expected to handle everything. I've gone from being on top of trying to figure out my visa and such to feeling SO AFRAID of having to do the things and also at the sane time afraid of getting complacent in my current living situation. So I'm living with constant reason to criticize myself. I mentioned these fears to some extent to my fiance roughly 2 years ago. It meant nothing because he doesnt act on things like that, says he doesnt understand then never see.s to try. I can sah that because he isn't any part of why I'd be able to go there if I even could(visa requirements also go up not down recently). I am so tired.
Sorry, I felt the need to put my rant out there to people who may provide some insight/motivation as to how to remain calm and not so on edge. On the surface I think I look cool, calm, collected. But deep down I'm just so messed up and and uncomfortable. I'm sorry.
@SquishyPig
Hello there! Thank you for the post and I'm glad you could vent about it all. Hope it helped a atleast little. Afterall you've been going through such a challenging phase in your life. I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with depression and spending too much that it makes you feel unpleasant later. 🙁
You deserve a biiiiiiiggg pat on your back and lots of appreciation for taking care of your loved ones. Even after you being the one who is taking care of others feelings I can understand why you feel so stressed when you don't get the same things in return. We all want someone to acknowledge us, care about us and support us. Honestly, I'd have felt the same if I were in your place.
It's understandable that your fiance need your support because of their diagnosis and its so commendable that you keep showing your care to them through your actions. Despite the challenges in your relationship, you're trying your best and that makes you very strong my friend. I really hope your fiance realises that they need to support you too in every way you desire. Have you considered talking to them about how you're feeling? I mean communication plays a significant role in every relationship.
I know its easy for me to say it but hang in there my friend. We are here for you and we love you 💕 You can always come here to vent and reach out for support. Please don't be so harsh on yourself.
*Sending you lottss of love and support*
Thank you so much for your response. I wasn't even sure about posting the vent. Late night I do irrational things and that was one of them. I opened the app to see about deleting the post but your comment has helped. Even little bit as it did. I appreciate it a lot.
I do speak to my fiance about things. I've been blunt to him over certain things throughout our time together. His diagnosis that requires support is autism level 2. I do think it should cancel out him supporting me, just he doesn't provide deep valid support that isn't copying the smaller things maybe I do for him as he is "only capable of certain understanding". I don't mean to belittle him, but I do need return support that he has yet to provide. I know he is trying, just to ask for help multiple times over the years and him respond telling me "you can do it, I believe in you". Is so emptying and makes me feel even more alone than I did before asking even though I always know the only thing I can expect from him is for him to tell me to basically help myself which is what I do already.
It's so tiring. But again, I appreciate your response. Thank you so so much.
@SquishyPig
I know your partner is doing his best. I understand that just saying that 'you can do it' ain't enough support. Honestly I would feel the same. So its okay when you need more than just validation that you can do it. 😊
What else would you like your partner to do or say? Keeping in mind that they can help you only in a limited way for their diagnosis.
That is a good thing to consider, "what would I like him to say?" Gets me thinking. I do try to keep in mind his diagnosis although refer not to doubt him and his capabilities as I've known him so many years and before his diagnosis so I know he is very smart and capable of sooooo much.
I really appreciate your response. Also how you gave me such an open ended question to think about. As it is not easy to answer and I'd think I need and want more action from him. I've had much in depth conversations over his lack of communication and the big need for it. As my parents had such bad communication in my relationship I have always leaned towards over communication is better because it's better I over communicate than not enough. I do believe that is also a good general thing people try to say helps people with autism, not that I at all like boxing him in.
I thank you a lot, I'll be trying to work though some things based off what youve made me think about and hope to prevent further decent into my depression, although I very very much expect I'll keep having horrible moments as the one that led me to this venting. It has been like this for years now with periodic freak outs or breakdowns, idk what it would be called. But I don't want to dwell too much here. Thank you.