SquishyPig Member Profile

I'm just so tired

Depression Support / by SquishyPig

October 27th

...See more I know I've posted here twice. But I just keep feeling worse and worse. I genuinely have "bad thoughts" as a sort of resolution at this point for how my life has gone in the direction it has despite my efforts to make it ok. I KEEP trying to do things to make myself feel better. I'm only making myself feel worse through unimportant spending. The bright side is I can possibly go some weeks without spending if I'd just have the discipline I need. I wish to save so much already so I'll set a goal to have $10,000 within some months saved. Although I need more to achieve my big move plan. I need some sort of motivation to have the confidence to sue my friend for having yet to pay me back and putting me through all of this even worse distress than I'd be in had he not borrowed money based on lying to me. This past weekend I freaked out at my fiance and my friend who owes me money. I was nearly going to cry at work. Which also co workers keep going into work despite being sick so I've prepped ro have to deal with sickness but so far either thankfully or not I've yet to get sick. I kinda wish to feel a good sickness(without having to miss work or feel like I've wasted time off I know I'm asking for a lot) because to feel horrible would make me value the physical health for a bit after and have sort of a high off life from it. I just really kinds don't feel much to look forward to. All that I was looking forward to in life was based upon my willingness to put myself through struggle. But after struggling despite trying to accomplish something. I feel like I need a huge break. I realize I deserve what I've put in too. My fiance isn't the only one who deserves someone doing all they can for the relationship ship and takes care of him when in need and tries to talk him into feeling better and making good decisions. I need that sort of support in return. And not just because I do it for him. It's not give and take its give to give and get because of the mutual love an respect. Otherwise it's only me giving and him taking. Trigger warning I thing for bad thoughts***** Anyways my main point here was to say. Even despite how I don't consciously choose to have such dark resolutions pop into my mind and even though I super hate gore. I get these horrendous dark thoughts of giving up on everything. I am glad I am weak with things. I would go more into this to try to see if anyone's insight could help but I don't know that it's allowed. I just wish to have a more equal partnership and not have to sue my friend and to have things go continue on. Although at this point do I even strongly wish to move countries for my partner alone? Or is it something I know he doesn't grasp how huge of a thing it is and is devalueing how hugely stressful everything about the whole situation is. Because I've warned him so much of my concerns and don't really get response back that has any real depth. Thanks for giving me this place to vent. Anyone who responds or reads I hope you're doing alright at least even for a few minutes each day.

I'm so sick of life.

Depression Support / by SquishyPig

October 18th

...See more I feel so little enjoyment from most everything. I keep faking my excitement and trying not to feel so tired. People care but they don't care. I hate AI things as they are so dumb and I will never understand why anyone thinks they are good, especially the chat ones as they are so transparently bad and taking up space that they really shouldn't. If I need to talk to someone AI is not going to help me in any way. In fact much if the time AI depresses me more because of the direction of things catering to people who think so little of human interaction that they actually think AI can somehow replace us? That was a whole tangent in a random direction but I genuinely cannot feel better. I have little excitement/interest to proceed with my Lans I've had for years. My partner causes me serious further disappointment which makes me feel horrible. He is allowed to be upset and so on in life I know he is human. But I can so obviously see him actively making bad choices over grief which to me sounds like forced bad choices by the way he goes about it instead of the accidental form of bad choices because of grief. It makes me feel so so so disappointed because any little progress he does make gets set back when he decides "I should order food" "I won't eat today" "I've been in bed and awake so I won't sleep tonight" "I'm going to stay up all night" "I hate my family so what's the point" "I dint talk to them about anything so why would I talk to them"(context he does hate his family and not talk but does admit he blushes friends to keep the connection with their family as he sees the value in it and yet when they are likely the main people you could talk to about grief over a tragic situation as they'd likely strongly relate and possibly more upset ATM he acts so hard headed and won't make an effort in that direction and keeps making more and more bad decisions than usual). It kinda makes me have serious negative feelings over the situation and I just don't wish to be there for him as much. I then feel bad because I feel this way. But, it's the hinest truth. I feel very very let down. I came into my relationship with such a relatable man, a cool and fun man who I've gotten to know even more than when he and I were just friends. He was apparently depressed due to life circumstances since highschool/college for British person. I understood this to a point and could very very much sympathize and empathize. Now since having dated him for more than 3 years long distances and made an effort to visit him twice despite my own fears and so on(I did use my lack of huge care of my life to power through the fear a bit although haven't been without feeling it). I just overall feel I've had a huge journey I've gone in life meanwhile his started with a child in a bad family, to a grown man kicked out and suffering to having some things improve his life and making some efforts based upon my coming into his life and also my pushing to motivate him(I don't really get that in return). Right into now a very stagnant unprogressing man for years. I feel bad for thinking all this, so horrible. But why have I been in the workforce since I basically got put of high-school meanwhile he has NEVER been in it. I am sure he feels a sort of depression over this as well and I honestly couldn't tell you that he does because he doesn't seem broken up over it. More periodically he doesn't eat and thinks I get sooo angry at him so uses that to feel bad I guess? I just express disappointment and frustration over having to sort of take car off him in all these little ways which I was on board with to a POINT. But the amount I've done for "US" meanwhile what he has contributed to us is incomparable. I hate the idea of him thinking at all that what he has done compares in any way to what I've put in. Especially given that I have had to work for all of my money while he sits at home all the time on benefits feeling depressed and anxious about much of the same things that bother me. I am not without anxiety. I never have been. I've just my WHOLE life had to overcome with for my sister and now for him to the point he actually dares to think my anxiety doesn't exist or doesn't compare to his and so on. Just because I managed to go to his country despite my fears and actually very much numb to many things because of my fear I powered through things and he actually thinks it's OK to act like it wasnt a big deal because he would've been so anxious and so on. I know it's petty but he says he is afraid of heights yet he can so easily do things I never could which is because I AM afraid of heights. Throughout conversation for example, walking near a glass barrier on the second floor of a mall. He can do that so easily. I cannot. He admits ever since "Finak Destination" as a child he has been afraid. Which is crazy because he certainly doesn't seem afraid and jokes and so on. Ugh. I don't think I got out my frustrations at all as I've gone all over the place with this rant but genuinely I cannot stand how belittled everything I've done for my relationship is and how little support I get and how much it's emphasized in his direction for the support. He was such a good so many possibilities man who now just feels like he has settled into a helpless fully grown man who is inconsiderate of much of my preferences and fears and so on. All while hidden inside this very quiet yet at times more outgoing man than myself. Yes we all have struggles and fears but that's the point, not only him needs to have these things considered.

I've done so much, or have I?

Depression Support / by SquishyPig

October 4th

...See more I'm really not feeling well. I do so much unnecessary spending despite that I'm supposed to be saving, or prices have just gone up but still I must admit I spend unnecessarily. I think I'm just so done with everything that I do it irrationally and then later on always hate myself for it. But then I hate myself for other things and late at night about this time I get so worked up over how I'm owed money by someone, Idk if I can or should or have to sue. Then how I need to already have moved and gotten a visa I need to get. Then I think about how much I will have to put up with when I can follow through on certain plans. I think about how much I endure with home/family life, my father's health and his disbelief in mental illness while clearly suffering from things himself (likely wouldn't try to get diagnosed as he doesn't believe). I think about how much I've done for my fiance and how little he does for me. I feel bad for expecting too much due to his diagnoses meanwhile telling myself I'm allowed to have expectations of him. I argue so much with myself over how horrible I feel and yet feel like I'm lying to myself, being a baby, idk. It all sucks. Every side of my life sucks. I believe depression has its reasons and that for the most part I have an understanding as to why I feel this way, which is more than just what I've said. But then I question is it depression because I think I know why I feel how I do? Why do I feel so horrible yet numb and I also blame myself for it all yet I don't outright blame myself verbally but I know I'm to blame. I don't know what qualifies as depression, or isn't and is just stupidity my sleep is so ruined, I feel like I've put up with so much over these years and done this to myself and yet I do blame people in my life for not doing their parts and I end up having to pull their weight. I know a big thing of my going to another country is for my fiance because he needs support but in the first place it was about me and him being together. It morphed into him needing me for support. Then into me realizing I don't feel ok with things being all on me. I too need help. But I don't feel able to ask for it or recieve any. Especially not from him nor family. But the one who matters is my fiance as he'd be all I have. So I feel so stuck yet not, yet confused. Why am I always expected to take care and handle. Especially by my fiance? Just because I've done so doesn't mean I should have to always. Same goes for other topics. Why do things always have to be expected to be such a way due to his likes and mine always put to the side. Or so it feels. I don't think I'm good at much honestly. I must add my temporary job I got while I had to quickly get a new job because I plan to leave. They love my work, my work ethic. They keep asking if I'm still leaving. I understand I try my best but I do really think I just do what every worker should do so I don't think it means much except that I'm somehow succeeding more than my co workers? Idk. Add in everyone asks if I've been paid back and when I'm leaving. It all adds to my stress. I don't know how I am expected to handle everything. I've gone from being on top of trying to figure out my visa and such to feeling SO AFRAID of having to do the things and also at the sane time afraid of getting complacent in my current living situation. So I'm living with constant reason to criticize myself. I mentioned these fears to some extent to my fiance roughly 2 years ago. It meant nothing because he doesnt act on things like that, says he doesnt understand then never see.s to try. I can sah that because he isn't any part of why I'd be able to go there if I even could(visa requirements also go up not down recently). I am so tired. Sorry, I felt the need to put my rant out there to people who may provide some insight/motivation as to how to remain calm and not so on edge. On the surface I think I look cool, calm, collected. But deep down I'm just so messed up and and uncomfortable. I'm sorry.

Listener? More like will they even react to your request?

General Support / by SquishyPig

September 29th

Alcoholic Father

Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by SquishyPig

August 28th

...See more Hello, may i offer a **trigger warning** for alcoholic father and such with health issues likely to lead to death. My family has come to the realization over the last many years the extent of my fathers alcoholism. We have realized it tore us apart even starting back in(and likely before) my childhood. I have many siblings who attest to this. I remember in middle school my father asking me (emphasis on middle schooler) to try to stop him from drinking. Now as a mid 20s adult. I and my siblings look back on our life and see the chaos he has caused and lack of respect and scars we can barely even notice completely but therapy may help us fully realize on our own eventually. My father has had multiple strokes, at least one heart attack and is stage 3 or later kidney disease/failure. Doctors say he has no memory issues due to the strokes and so on yet my father speaks and behaves so very .... I don't even know the word. It's as if he is blind to his wake of destruction. His marriage with my mother is failing all thanks to himself. My mother put in so much effort even through her naiveness of believing he loved her for more than 20 years, might be on 30 years marriage actually. It's all so devastating. It has made myself and siblings afraid of alcohol especially and we'd never touch other substances. Genuinely at a loss and have felt like I'm grieving the loss of my parents marriage for over a year and a half at least while they are still technically married. Also been grieving the loss of the father I thought I had. I've been stressed about so much else in life too so this has just been the cherry on top to make sure every day of my life is torture. All this is to say the man is still very much alive but in denial and at what cost? I basically feel haunted and gaslit and anything that could fit this situation. It all sucks and holds myself and my siblings back. Not that I don't have sympathy for my mother as I do very much. I just most relate to my siblings and myself and she is on a very valid and good path which I support for her healing and health. I do or did love my father but he is making it sooooooo hard and painful. Anyways. Sorry about this rant. I've been powering through everything in life and this is just one of the biggest things on my plate and I am at a loss for how to not have him affecting me at all yet still wishing for him to actually put in effort to improve. I've left much details out as we have been pushing towards his improvement for years since during covid until now. But generally I have been having to deal with this in some way for my whole entire life since I can remember and I believe his alcoholism which he so strongly denies even still, is the biggest cause and main thing holding him back from actual improvement and I believe will likely kill him. If anyone has nice things to say I am interested although social media hasn't been good to me at all so I may try to avoid socialization as a whole. Maybe just to know I'm not crazy or being dramatic is what I hope for out of this thread. I can also say I have personally for about a year or something (some yesrs ago)had a small battle with alcohol myself although thankfully cut myself off and can have a little every so often (sometimes with extreme fear) with trying to keep myself in check. So I understand it can be hard. Although cannot imagine how it'd be for someone to rely on it for more than 30 years and become such a horrible person due to it then never putting effort towards their own improvement while kinda still saying they care about their health yet, sneaking alcohol from the other people in the house and then watering it down like a child who doesn't know better.(yes he did it though wont admit)

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