I just feel very alone and everyday just feels the same
I often feel really alone because it seems like everyone around me lies and then leaves. I get why this happens since I've always been too shy to reach out and start conversations myself. Starting a conversation is really tough for me because I never know what to say. Deep down, I'm always scared of being ignored or ghosted. This fear of rejection has been with me for a long time, which makes it hard for me to keep friendships going. The only person I can really count on is my boyfriend. I know he can be controlling sometimes, like when he tells me what to say in messages or insists I send long goodnight texts, but he is still there for me when no one else is. He understands that I struggle to work because I often feel overwhelmed with anger and might lash out at people, so instead of trying to find a job, I'm just saving money so I won't have to deal with that stress. I really appreciate that he sees how much I depend on him and takes care of me because I feel a lot safer with him than I do alone. I’ve been hurt by so many people who promised to be there for me but ended up leaving, which is why I’d rather deal with his controlling side than go through the pain of being ignored or abandoned. With him, I don’t feel the pressure to be independent if I don’t want to, and that feels comforting because I need someone to help me escape my stepdad, who is abusive and never changes. He calls me names, makes up lies about me, and criticizes my music. My mom chooses to drink instead of getting help, which makes things worse because she doesn’t change either. I understand she drinks to handle her stress, but I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m stuck in a hopeless situation. It really hurts when I’m lied to or treated badly, and the only feelings I have in response are anger and sadness, which makes me feel like I could explode. It’s just hard for me to be nice to people when they hurt me. My boyfriend is pretty much the only one who stays by my side, and even though our communication isn’t perfect—he sometimes changes the subject when I want to talk about something important—I still prefer having him around over feeling alone and hurt. He makes me feel safe and comfortable. I don’t leave my house much because I have a disability that makes me worry about how people see me. I’m scared of being judged or looked at in a negative way. With all the scary things happening in the world, like shootings, I just don’t feel safe outside at all. I don’t even try to start conversations, either in person or online, so I completely understand why people end up leaving since I often feel tired of people saying they will be there for me but then disappearing makes me feel as everyone is the same. It feels like my boyfriend is the only one I can really talk to. He understands I struggle with everyday tasks like cooking, personal hygiene, grocery shopping, and even talking on the phone. Honestly, I can’t see how I could ever live independently. I plan to move back in with him soon since we’ve been together for eight years, and he has never left me. I’m just so tired of crying over feeling hurt, and everything makes me angry—from being ignored to just feeling bad, and I’m really sick of it all. I know he can be demanding when I don’t respond to his messages right away; he will resend them or delete them if I don’t reply, and he tells me what to say even when I need time to myself. But honestly, it feels easier to deal with that than to be alone. Sometimes I really need help knowing what to say, and I know he will never leave me. I love him and care about him. He has mentioned that he has borderline autism, and I realize that even with his controlling behavior, I would still rather deal with that than face people who leave me and lie. I always find myself questioning what I did that was wrong. I’m at a point where I don’t even want to leave the house anymore because it feels pointless, especially with everything that has happened to me. I don’t like going out to do simple things like grocery shopping because I always think something bad will happen. I can’t help that everything makes me feel angry, especially when I’m hurt by being ignored or triggered by words and reactions. I even stopped commenting on things on *** because I’ve noticed that people often laugh at comments that aren’t meant to be funny, which sets me off and makes me react with anger. So now, I’ve just avoided posting or commenting on anything. When I stop doing that, I end up crying because it feels like someone is laughing at me, which is why I don’t interact much anymore. I’m scared of judgment because the world can be so harsh and cruel. I’ve even stopped walking anywhere because someone yelled mean insults at me from a car while I was just minding my own business, which really showed me just how rude people can be. That’s why I feel safest and most comfortable at home. With everything I’ve shared, my boyfriend is really the only person I feel truly cares about me. I’ve spent time with him during holidays and special occasions, and when I lived with him, I felt a lot less alone. But when I’m back in Georgia, I feel so isolated. There’s nobody wanting to hang out, and I also don’t reach out because I get it—other people have their own busy lives with work and kids. I’m really sorry for going on and on about this, but I just needed to vent and get everything off my chest.
@ashmotionless570
Sounds like you have been through a lot.
More then a few mentions of reacting with anger which is something i have experienced myself.
What i found is i could not distance myself far enough because the anger or frustration was in me....once i let that go my life was better.....
I get being angry or frustrated because others were not understanding what i was trying to communicate...or took items the wrong way. I could not change them so i had to alter my posts to communication to reduce the frustration.
I finally found it better to regroup and explain in a way they understood better once they heard me the disconnect and frustration on both parts eased. It taught me to try to be clear in things and understand how others could say "oh i thought you meant something else".
I also settled for less then great treatment and a controlling partner until i worked on myself to be who i want to be not what parents or friends or even Bf wanted me to be. If you want change BE the change.
Yes but at the same time, I have found out that my boyfriend who has autism not giving me space or time alone, him not understanding or avoiding me when I try to tell him anything or him having a hard time picking on things doesn't mean he is doing it intentionally or on purpose but it's linked to his autism. He may not understand why I am trying to say and have a hard time picking on things because people with has autism brain works differently...I am not going to leave my partner over something that he can not control, I am not going to give up on him or leave because I really love, I care for him but he is there when everyone leaves, he is there to hold me when I cry if I was just there with him again, things was much easier when I lived with him, he has taken care of me like he always has, he is okay with me being dependent, he understands if I don't want to get a job or being dependent which will just trigger my anger and lash out but I just feel like myself like he is the only one who stays when everyone else leaves is why I will never leave him even when things seem difficult. I would rather deal with someone like him, I can relate to him in a way because I also have a learning disability, me and him have a lot in common and other things. Just so I don't have to deal with my mom who is going to keep drinking because she refuses to get help which I know some of it is stress, she does it to relax but she still drinks no matter what which I told her that it affects me but she said that it shouldn't but on top of my stepdad calling me names, accusing me of things that I don't do and judging my music taste or what I watch, calling it witchcraft or devil worship when it is not but ever since I been back in georgia nothing has changed. I understand me not starting the conversation first is why people leave when I just don't do well with them because I don't know what to say, I am way too shy to message first, I have the fear of rejection and being ignored. I stay in case everyone else leaves because people always don't say what they mean, I am tired of being ignored or rejected which is a part of the reason why I don't reach out to people even when I try to join friends group because when I did try it just seems like the same thing. I can't deal with being alone and I can't stand not being my his side which will not be long just so I don't have to go through being alone, worrying about being judged, bullied or more is why I don't like going out in person really because I do have a disability because I don't even like going anywhere by myself or doing anything alone just like phone calls. I have talked to him about the things I dealt with which is why he says that I got him. There is time when I told him that when me and him talked on video call which seems like a lot easier for him because he says that we got to talk about stuff that has to be talked on video call that can't be talked about through message but I just haven't been up to it because I just have been tired, I have been needing space but it's hard for people with autism to understand people who need time alone, space and to intrude on people's personal boundaries which he does send multiple messages if I didn't reply, asking if I am done so we can talk about all of this stuff. I have been doing some research, trying to get to know my boyfriend more because some things he just don't pick up on and understand but I will be moving back to him soon which is where I would rather be so I won't have to deal with anything anymore. I refuse to be alone and single because nobody can make me do anything I don't want to but I also don't have to do anything I am not comfortable with. Me and him have been together for 8 years and he has never let me down but this is just me saying how I feel.
