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I often feel really alone because it seems like everyone around me lies and then leaves. I get why this happens since I've always been too shy to reach out and start conversations myself. Starting a conversation is really tough for me because I never know what to say. Deep down, I'm always scared of being ignored or ghosted. This fear of rejection has been with me for a long time, which makes it hard for me to keep friendships going. The only person I can really count on is my boyfriend. I know he can be controlling sometimes, like when he tells me what to say in messages or insists I send long goodnight texts, but he is still there for me when no one else is. He understands that I struggle to work because I often feel overwhelmed with anger and might lash out at people, so instead of trying to find a job, I'm just saving money so I won't have to deal with that stress. I really appreciate that he sees how much I depend on him and takes care of me because I feel a lot safer with him than I do alone. I’ve been hurt by so many people who promised to be there for me but ended up leaving, which is why I’d rather deal with his controlling side than go through the pain of being ignored or abandoned. With him, I don’t feel the pressure to be independent if I don’t want to, and that feels comforting because I need someone to help me escape my stepdad, who is abusive and never changes. He calls me names, makes up lies about me, and criticizes my music. My mom chooses to drink instead of getting help, which makes things worse because she doesn’t change either. I understand she drinks to handle her stress, but I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m stuck in a hopeless situation. It really hurts when I’m lied to or treated badly, and the only feelings I have in response are anger and sadness, which makes me feel like I could explode. It’s just hard for me to be nice to people when they hurt me. My boyfriend is pretty much the only one who stays by my side, and even though our communication isn’t perfect—he sometimes changes the subject when I want to talk about something important—I still prefer having him around over feeling alone and hurt. He makes me feel safe and comfortable. I don’t leave my house much because I have a disability that makes me worry about how people see me. I’m scared of being judged or looked at in a negative way. With all the scary things happening in the world, like shootings, I just don’t feel safe outside at all. I don’t even try to start conversations, either in person or online, so I completely understand why people end up leaving since I often feel tired of people saying they will be there for me but then disappearing makes me feel as everyone is the same. It feels like my boyfriend is the only one I can really talk to. He understands I struggle with everyday tasks like cooking, personal hygiene, grocery shopping, and even talking on the phone. Honestly, I can’t see how I could ever live independently. I plan to move back in with him soon since we’ve been together for eight years, and he has never left me. I’m just so tired of crying over feeling hurt, and everything makes me angry—from being ignored to just feeling bad, and I’m really sick of it all. I know he can be demanding when I don’t respond to his messages right away; he will resend them or delete them if I don’t reply, and he tells me what to say even when I need time to myself. But honestly, it feels easier to deal with that than to be alone. Sometimes I really need help knowing what to say, and I know he will never leave me. I love him and care about him. He has mentioned that he has borderline autism, and I realize that even with his controlling behavior, I would still rather deal with that than face people who leave me and lie. I always find myself questioning what I did that was wrong. I’m at a point where I don’t even want to leave the house anymore because it feels pointless, especially with everything that has happened to me. I don’t like going out to do simple things like grocery shopping because I always think something bad will happen. I can’t help that everything makes me feel angry, especially when I’m hurt by being ignored or triggered by words and reactions. I even stopped commenting on things on *** because I’ve noticed that people often laugh at comments that aren’t meant to be funny, which sets me off and makes me react with anger. So now, I’ve just avoided posting or commenting on anything. When I stop doing that, I end up crying because it feels like someone is laughing at me, which is why I don’t interact much anymore. I’m scared of judgment because the world can be so harsh and cruel. I’ve even stopped walking anywhere because someone yelled mean insults at me from a car while I was just minding my own business, which really showed me just how rude people can be. That’s why I feel safest and most comfortable at home. With everything I’ve shared, my boyfriend is really the only person I feel truly cares about me. I’ve spent time with him during holidays and special occasions, and when I lived with him, I felt a lot less alone. But when I’m back in Georgia, I feel so isolated. There’s nobody wanting to hang out, and I also don’t reach out because I get it—other people have their own busy lives with work and kids. I’m really sorry for going on and on about this, but I just needed to vent and get everything off my chest.
