I guess I'm depressed
I've struggled with depression in the past and I thought these days were over but here I am, again crying everyday for no reason, having trouble to sleep, feeling helpless and alone (even if I'm not) and with dark thoughts back in my mind. I don't know if it's a change of hormones I'm experiencing or simply a burnout, but it's coming back. I've put myself under enormous level of stress in the past few years, with working full time and studying, raised the bar of my goals every day higher and never been happy of what I did, but always challenged myself and never felt I was doing things right. And now that I'm there, just a step closer to my achievements and to what I fought so hard, I feel I'm falling apart and I can't control it. Right now, even a simple responsibility like hosting my friend's dog it's making me feel it's another burden and I'm stuck home with just responsibilities and nothing else to live for. And I can't stop crying...if at least I could understand why. I don't want to call the doctor because if I get into anti-depressant, I already know my life is gone and there won't be a way back (I know people taking anti-depressant for years and not being able to do anything without). I'm telling to myself this is just temporary, I'll finish uni this year and I can go back to have a social life, but I'm scared if I carry on like this I won't reach the end of the year. Working from home sucks, studying online sucks and you end up not even knowing how to interact with people anymore, so your social life become a virtual social life where you load all the stress on the only person that hasn't left you. Not even sure what I'm expecting from this post: support, suggestions or probably it's just to vent.
@Glodean I can relate. I worked my *** off in pursuit of my goals only to find that when I finally reached those goals, I was somehow more broken than before and I can't seem to go back to the healthy person I was before this journey. It sounds like you are still working toward your goals- don't give up on yourself yet! The working part is temporary, the problem is 1. how to not break and do serious damage to yourself 2. not get your hopes up about the goal achievement fixing your life. I would suggest keeping a mood tracker app- you might be surprised to realize you are feeling better than you tell yourself or you might recognize patterns of what makes you happy or sad (I use dailyo). And you probably know the basics: water, hygiene, exercise, clean living space, sleep, good food, avoid drugs and alcohol- boring stuff, but effective and surprisingly difficult (I suck at this kind of stuff and I've realized that's part of the reason I'm always feeling so unstable). Basic needs come first. Then you have social needs- you have this app, but I would suggest just staying out of your room as much as possible. Just reminding yourself that other people exist can remind you that you are a human being too and you exist more than to just be a worker. You sound like you have a lot of pressure on yourself rn, so even if it's hard- do the bare minimum. Take sick days. If you can't find ways to enjoy your work through romantization or gamification, you've got to allow yourself to step back so it can't destroy you. Also, psych medication isn't a forever thing unless youre bipolar or schizophrenic. It might help you through this stressful time and then you could wean yourself off. That being said, you have to weigh the potential of trailing bad meds while you are already struggling- like would you willing to try something that'll change the way you're living even if there are potential side effects and a struggle to find that thing, or do you think you can buckle down and improve your life by mood tracking/attending to basic needs/not isolating/taking it easy on yourself? Also...what do you enjoy doing? Or what did you enjoy doing before? The meaning of lufe is simply what stops you from offing yourself, so ask yourself how you've kept going until now.
@Glodean Hello, I am sorry that you are not feeling well. Asking for help is a good way to feel better. You deserve to be listened to without judgment. If you want to talk to me, you can leave me a message and I will listen to you.
