A heaviness in heart
Back here after a month or so. This is gonna be a little lengthy.
On most occasions at this stage in my life when things happen, certain things I find hard to accept, which even if I want to share with the few people I am close to and trust, I can't. I try to. So hard. And yet I stop before letting words out of my mouth. One day my sister told me that I have become very guarded in these few years. I realized that's true. I don't know why many things that makes me sad/uneasy/helpless - I cannot share them with my sister or online friends. They are the only people I like to share some things. One may ask what about my parents? I can only laugh. I don't even go there now. So, as I was saying, I cannot share them with my sister. I was deeply thinking about it hours ago and then, I realized it's fear. I fear getting hurt in search for comfort from some people after a negative incident already. I fear being made to feel embarrassment/ashamed for how I feel about that negative incident. I don't like opening up. All these traumas are very alive in me even today. And that stops me from sharing. So yes, I am guarded with my sister and some others. So, again today I am feeling that way. Because I have an event to share that I am not able to digest.
It is related to my Math tutor who I really admire a lot. She has been teaching me since August. She is a good person. Kind. Strong. Independent. Practical. Sensible. Perspective. A really skilled teacher. Most of all, she is the one person who saw through my dad and understood his personality which he tries so hard to hide in front of outsiders. She understands my academic situation. Teaches well. And I have shared a lot of things with her and got good advices and comfort. All these things combined made me admire and respect her. But something has been bothering me since my class with her this evening. We were talking about usual things at the end of the class and somehow we started discussing about my mother's illness, dysfunctional home etc - it was kept brief. My last words of the conversation were - "I was so upset last night. I talked to my sister and cried my heart out." I told her this and I could feel my eyes welling up with tears as soon as I shared this because I wasn't still over last night's sad mood. I was trying hard to control crying. I would not be surprised if the person in front of me saw it. In less than 3 seconds, she was like "okay anika, i shall take a leave. take care. i will come tomorrow" good. i bid her bye. opened the door. off she went.
After closing the door, I sat there. And my head started hurting with all the questions.
"Why did she want to leave immediately?""
Oh well, could she not see my tears?"
"Did she just want to escape?"
"Since she always says she is a straightforward person, isn't someone who can fake, isn't overly expressive, she didn't know how to react with me and just wanted to run away?"
"Did she simply not want to console me with a very few words?"
"Was she tired?"
"Are 'practical' and 'straightforward' people always like this? Unemotional? Unattached? Don't know how to express or console someone sensitively? Or simply don't want to try and bother because it drains them out? Isn't it selfish? To choose not to comfort?"
"Or did she just feel helpless she didn't know what to say and just wanted to leave me alone? Even if that's the case, I don't like it. That's not a good enough reason to me."
I JUST COULDN'T DIGEST IT. I felt like I should have thrown a sarcastic question, something like "did i scare you with my emotions?" or something like that. To know why she wanted to take a leave as soon as I was trying to control my tears. Why? Are people always like this? They don't want to comfort and just run away from emotions? And the person suffering will just have to keep tolerating? This is the incident I cannot get my mind out of. The possible unpleasant reasons for her behaviour are making me uneasy. It leaves me realizing and questioning, basically I have no one to hold me, do I?
I feel slightly hurt. Overwhelmed. Confused on how to react. I feel like revealing this to her when she comes tomorrow. But oh dear, in the very first of this post didn't I share my first problem : I am not comfortable opening up about things that hurt me. I am guarded.
I don't know how to get this out of mind and stop feeling hurt by her. By other people like her too who will come in my life and I'll admire. Whereas the truth is nobody will give a damn whether I live or not.
I just don't know what to do. How to feel better.
@anikaasad
personally , yes your teacher chose to comfort you when you required her but upto a point cause just remember that every incident you go through can also trigger a memory in someones else mind . also there are other things that needs to be kept in mind by her while talking to you. its probably a little draining to talk over a topic like dysfunctional family that has no solution and no guarantee that you will understand her point . and after her work is done at school , she has her own life too , so she can leave.
@anikaasad
It was quite an awful day. Hectic and disgusting honestly. My father's nasty, sexist, patriarchal comments, my irresponsible sister's venting her toxic anger on me, the visibility of slight hesitance and prejudice by my friend towards people outside her religion (she might not be aware of it but her wording sounded just like that) makes me wanna bury myself.
I would like to elaborate, but not much energy is left. I am thinking I haven't even started processing my emotions for the incidents of today and the build up is gonna be toxic, leading me to more emotionally damaging outburst or something. I wish someone would just hold me....but even this remains unfulfilled.
Merry Christmas....
Give yourself that time to process all the bad. You certainly didn't deserve anything that you got. What are you doing to care for yourself?@anikaasad
@bestVase7265 Eventually, I tried explaining the same thing to myself. Also, I realized my sister's anger was sort of justified because she is in a really bad place and I forgave that. About how my friend said what she said, I can talk to her later about that because these things in a person do upset me. So I took a break from that thought. And you know what? My Christmas went really really well! I had pastries, pizza (with my saved money), didn't give a damn about whatever my father said that day (which he always does when I go out by myself and he doesn't like it) and went out by myself. I went to church. It was super comforting and peaceful. I prayed, saw the decorations, wished people there and had a really great time I'll remember in a long time. It was specifically that part which just! made my Christmas.❤️ So this day where I just decided to give myself a little joy made me happier.
Last but not the least, HAPPY NEW YEAR, DAWN! I can't thank you enough for choosing to be there everytime and helping me in a way even my close ones fail to help. I wish you nothing but joy, love and peace. May you reach heights of success in things that matter to you. Lots of love.❤️❤️❤️ And I won't stop talking to you.🙈
I am so glad that you had a nice Christmas! And you worked hard to make it for yourself!
I had a good one too and am hoping for a good new year! You are working towards a much better future and it is nice to be around to encourage you. Thanks for the good wishes!@anikaasad
I know that you have trouble opening up and that isn't always a bad thing.
It sounds like your situation with your teacher was a rough one, but it is hard to analyze because there is no real way of knowing her intentions or the day that she was having.
For me in situations like that I focus on the "really bad day" possibility. If I can say to myself that something else had happened that they couldn't share with me, then I begin to accept and forgive more quickly.
I have days where students come to me and I simply don't have any more that I can give at that moment. The next day, I would be stronger and would answer in a much better manner, but I can't right then.
Even the people that we most respect have flaws. They can make wretched mistakes too. If you focus on that, it can help a lot. @anikaasad
@bestVase7265 Yeah she does have many bad and stressful days, which she tells me herself. Surprisingly, I didn't think about that day everytime I was with her after that event. I had expected the opposite. So, it's better. I'll do what you say. But I still and will always hold on to this belief that one should know how to comfort someone going through a pathetically weak moment even if it's not immediately at that point but afterwards. So it's really nice to hear you say you try to answer the right way the next day. It's okay to be affected with bad days.
Exactly. When we give everyone a space for a bad day we all do better. Giving grace is a wonderful thing. @anikaasad
@bestVase7265 DAWN!! HI!! It's me Anika. Phew. It feels like forever, and I was quite shocked with the update and layout when I logged in to this app. I couldn't even find my notification or you. How have you been? I am back here after almost 2 months, and it's you I mostly wanted to talk to. So. Phew. I am done. With my igcse-s. My exams ended today. I have given English, Maths, First Language Bangla, Double Science - Physics, Chemistry. The ones I talked about. After so much unexplainable struggle, agony, and 3-4 years, I am done. I find it important to let you know. It's just the surface of the many emotions I am feeling and many words (which also include some particular fears) I am yet to say out loud. But for now, I am only focussing on these few words - I am finally done.
I am so excited that you finished. It is quite the accomplishment. You didn't think that you could do it a year or so. And you overcame your fears and did it anyway. That is totally awesome. You should be so proud of yourself. What comes next may be unclear but you are headed in a good direction! @anikaasad
Overall, I am okay. It is summer here so it is a bit less stressful.
@bestVase7265 Nice. I hate summers. You don't know summers of where I live. It makes you sick. It's technically monsoon here, but not much rain in my city yet. Sigh. I went to see a movie today. Mission Impossible actually. Loved it! My biggest achievement this year is learning to go the cinemas to have a good time by myself.
About me, well I have realised I need some money, and I should start making some small earnings to feel a sense of independence. During the pandemic, I did some useful online courses, one of them was a beginner course of making handmade jewellery. Afterwards I got busy in school and troubles. I got back a little into it now but I need more raw materials which I will buy. I'm thinking of starting a page and making products. It's high time. Actually I should think less, and do more. You have no idea of how badly I crave for this independence and some money. It's really necessary.
Many days I also feel very lonely. I don't know how to grow my network and I also don't know how to and if I really want to. I choose acquaintances, let alone friends quite carefully and unnecessary things and people drain me out. I would rather have someone nice. Funnily I even think about you. Haha. Maybe if we were close or something. AND sorry :( I hope I am not being too clingy or crossing any boundary because I don't want to do that.
You aren't being clingy or crossing any boundaries. It is okay to be picky about friends. I don't have a huge number myself. Sometimes that does make you a little lonely. That is okay. It is a victory that you enjoy the movies in peace.
I think that the jewelry work sounds awesome. It keeps you active and engaged.
My summer has become much harder in the last month or so. My father had to be moved into assisted living and my mother is also struggling. They live 3 hours away and it is quite a bit on my shoulders since my sister lives across the ocean. But I am trying. @anikaasad
Hope you're doing better now. I can relate with you in many ways. You can always give me a text and we can talk about it.
@littleWriter1109 Hi. I am doing great. Thank you for even asking. I would love to text! I just don't know how :( and where are the features here
I'm glad to know you're doing better, dear. And you don't have to thank me at all. Trust me I really feel for you. I feel as if I'm a burden and I keep myself guarded. I just really wish to have someone to lean on, because I can't rely on my sisters or any of my of my friends. I feel like our family and situations are alike to a large extent. That is why I wanted us to know each other better and maybe become friends if you'd like. Anyways, I also don't know how the texting thing works here:(
Just in case, I'll leave my email here - s.cchfaria@***.com
I really hope to hear from you!
@littleWriter1109 I would be extremely happy to get in touch. And you said how I'd feel if I knew someone's situation is very similar to what I face. Thank you for being so supportive and providing your mail. I think it's g + mail right? I will definitely get in touch!