A heaviness in heart
Back here after a month or so. This is gonna be a little lengthy.
On most occasions at this stage in my life when things happen, certain things I find hard to accept, which even if I want to share with the few people I am close to and trust, I can't. I try to. So hard. And yet I stop before letting words out of my mouth. One day my sister told me that I have become very guarded in these few years. I realized that's true. I don't know why many things that makes me sad/uneasy/helpless - I cannot share them with my sister or online friends. They are the only people I like to share some things. One may ask what about my parents? I can only laugh. I don't even go there now. So, as I was saying, I cannot share them with my sister. I was deeply thinking about it hours ago and then, I realized it's fear. I fear getting hurt in search for comfort from some people after a negative incident already. I fear being made to feel embarrassment/ashamed for how I feel about that negative incident. I don't like opening up. All these traumas are very alive in me even today. And that stops me from sharing. So yes, I am guarded with my sister and some others. So, again today I am feeling that way. Because I have an event to share that I am not able to digest.
It is related to my Math tutor who I really admire a lot. She has been teaching me since August. She is a good person. Kind. Strong. Independent. Practical. Sensible. Perspective. A really skilled teacher. Most of all, she is the one person who saw through my dad and understood his personality which he tries so hard to hide in front of outsiders. She understands my academic situation. Teaches well. And I have shared a lot of things with her and got good advices and comfort. All these things combined made me admire and respect her. But something has been bothering me since my class with her this evening. We were talking about usual things at the end of the class and somehow we started discussing about my mother's illness, dysfunctional home etc - it was kept brief. My last words of the conversation were - "I was so upset last night. I talked to my sister and cried my heart out." I told her this and I could feel my eyes welling up with tears as soon as I shared this because I wasn't still over last night's sad mood. I was trying hard to control crying. I would not be surprised if the person in front of me saw it. In less than 3 seconds, she was like "okay anika, i shall take a leave. take care. i will come tomorrow" good. i bid her bye. opened the door. off she went.
After closing the door, I sat there. And my head started hurting with all the questions.
"Why did she want to leave immediately?""
Oh well, could she not see my tears?"
"Did she just want to escape?"
"Since she always says she is a straightforward person, isn't someone who can fake, isn't overly expressive, she didn't know how to react with me and just wanted to run away?"
"Did she simply not want to console me with a very few words?"
"Was she tired?"
"Are 'practical' and 'straightforward' people always like this? Unemotional? Unattached? Don't know how to express or console someone sensitively? Or simply don't want to try and bother because it drains them out? Isn't it selfish? To choose not to comfort?"
"Or did she just feel helpless she didn't know what to say and just wanted to leave me alone? Even if that's the case, I don't like it. That's not a good enough reason to me."
I JUST COULDN'T DIGEST IT. I felt like I should have thrown a sarcastic question, something like "did i scare you with my emotions?" or something like that. To know why she wanted to take a leave as soon as I was trying to control my tears. Why? Are people always like this? They don't want to comfort and just run away from emotions? And the person suffering will just have to keep tolerating? This is the incident I cannot get my mind out of. The possible unpleasant reasons for her behaviour are making me uneasy. It leaves me realizing and questioning, basically I have no one to hold me, do I?
I feel slightly hurt. Overwhelmed. Confused on how to react. I feel like revealing this to her when she comes tomorrow. But oh dear, in the very first of this post didn't I share my first problem : I am not comfortable opening up about things that hurt me. I am guarded.
I don't know how to get this out of mind and stop feeling hurt by her. By other people like her too who will come in my life and I'll admire. Whereas the truth is nobody will give a damn whether I live or not.
I just don't know what to do. How to feel better.
@anikaasad
personally , yes your teacher chose to comfort you when you required her but upto a point cause just remember that every incident you go through can also trigger a memory in someones else mind . also there are other things that needs to be kept in mind by her while talking to you. its probably a little draining to talk over a topic like dysfunctional family that has no solution and no guarantee that you will understand her point . and after her work is done at school , she has her own life too , so she can leave.
@anikaasad
It was quite an awful day. Hectic and disgusting honestly. My father's nasty, sexist, patriarchal comments, my irresponsible sister's venting her toxic anger on me, the visibility of slight hesitance and prejudice by my friend towards people outside her religion (she might not be aware of it but her wording sounded just like that) makes me wanna bury myself.
I would like to elaborate, but not much energy is left. I am thinking I haven't even started processing my emotions for the incidents of today and the build up is gonna be toxic, leading me to more emotionally damaging outburst or something. I wish someone would just hold me....but even this remains unfulfilled.
Merry Christmas....
Give yourself that time to process all the bad. You certainly didn't deserve anything that you got. What are you doing to care for yourself?@anikaasad
@bestVase7265 Eventually, I tried explaining the same thing to myself. Also, I realized my sister's anger was sort of justified because she is in a really bad place and I forgave that. About how my friend said what she said, I can talk to her later about that because these things in a person do upset me. So I took a break from that thought. And you know what? My Christmas went really really well! I had pastries, pizza (with my saved money), didn't give a damn about whatever my father said that day (which he always does when I go out by myself and he doesn't like it) and went out by myself. I went to church. It was super comforting and peaceful. I prayed, saw the decorations, wished people there and had a really great time I'll remember in a long time. It was specifically that part which just! made my Christmas.❤️ So this day where I just decided to give myself a little joy made me happier.
Last but not the least, HAPPY NEW YEAR, DAWN! I can't thank you enough for choosing to be there everytime and helping me in a way even my close ones fail to help. I wish you nothing but joy, love and peace. May you reach heights of success in things that matter to you. Lots of love.❤️❤️❤️ And I won't stop talking to you.🙈
I am so glad that you had a nice Christmas! And you worked hard to make it for yourself!
I had a good one too and am hoping for a good new year! You are working towards a much better future and it is nice to be around to encourage you. Thanks for the good wishes!@anikaasad
I know that you have trouble opening up and that isn't always a bad thing.
It sounds like your situation with your teacher was a rough one, but it is hard to analyze because there is no real way of knowing her intentions or the day that she was having.
For me in situations like that I focus on the "really bad day" possibility. If I can say to myself that something else had happened that they couldn't share with me, then I begin to accept and forgive more quickly.
I have days where students come to me and I simply don't have any more that I can give at that moment. The next day, I would be stronger and would answer in a much better manner, but I can't right then.
Even the people that we most respect have flaws. They can make wretched mistakes too. If you focus on that, it can help a lot. @anikaasad
@bestVase7265 Yeah she does have many bad and stressful days, which she tells me herself. Surprisingly, I didn't think about that day everytime I was with her after that event. I had expected the opposite. So, it's better. I'll do what you say. But I still and will always hold on to this belief that one should know how to comfort someone going through a pathetically weak moment even if it's not immediately at that point but afterwards. So it's really nice to hear you say you try to answer the right way the next day. It's okay to be affected with bad days.
Exactly. When we give everyone a space for a bad day we all do better. Giving grace is a wonderful thing. @anikaasad
Overall, I am okay. It is summer here so it is a bit less stressful.
@bestVase7265 Nice. I hate summers. You don't know summers of where I live. It makes you sick. It's technically monsoon here, but not much rain in my city yet. Sigh. I went to see a movie today. Mission Impossible actually. Loved it! My biggest achievement this year is learning to go the cinemas to have a good time by myself.
About me, well I have realised I need some money, and I should start making some small earnings to feel a sense of independence. During the pandemic, I did some useful online courses, one of them was a beginner course of making handmade jewellery. Afterwards I got busy in school and troubles. I got back a little into it now but I need more raw materials which I will buy. I'm thinking of starting a page and making products. It's high time. Actually I should think less, and do more. You have no idea of how badly I crave for this independence and some money. It's really necessary.
Many days I also feel very lonely. I don't know how to grow my network and I also don't know how to and if I really want to. I choose acquaintances, let alone friends quite carefully and unnecessary things and people drain me out. I would rather have someone nice. Funnily I even think about you. Haha. Maybe if we were close or something. AND sorry :( I hope I am not being too clingy or crossing any boundary because I don't want to do that.
You aren't being clingy or crossing any boundaries. It is okay to be picky about friends. I don't have a huge number myself. Sometimes that does make you a little lonely. That is okay. It is a victory that you enjoy the movies in peace.
I think that the jewelry work sounds awesome. It keeps you active and engaged.
My summer has become much harder in the last month or so. My father had to be moved into assisted living and my mother is also struggling. They live 3 hours away and it is quite a bit on my shoulders since my sister lives across the ocean. But I am trying. @anikaasad
@bestVase7265 It must be so hard! I appreciate your efforts. How are you now? Anything new? And thank you so much for your words. Also, Dawn. I am here to share a big news.
I got my IGCSE results yesterday. I sat for 5 subjects if you remember - English, Math, Bengali, Physics and Chemistry. And I got 3 A* and 2 A (Math and English). I don't have the best words to convey all my emotions which I am still processing, but however I am, I had to share this with you because you have seen my state and sobbing since last year.
That is HUGE news! Just massive. After all of that worrying about whether you were good enough or smart enough, you proved all of those naysayers (especially those in your own head) totally WRONG! You are a bright, worthy person with a fantastic future ahead. Your hard work paid off beautifully. I always knew that you could do it. Congratulations!
So what is the next step starting to look like for you?
I am doing okay. The summer has been a struggle but things are a little calmer going into the weekend. I am grateful for that. @anikaasad
@bestVase7265 THANK YOU SO SO MUCH, dawn! Thank you for encouraging me always. Thank you for uplifting me. Thank you for being there. It's a huge relief and a huge burden off my shoulders. I don't feel stuck. I've cleared the stagnant stage I was in for a long time. My sister is too happy for me. Mom too. My sister is so proud not just for the A* and A, but because of the way I could hang on and basically flew over this phase. She tells me that she cannot stress enough on how this was such a necessity for me. This good outcome to show me that my hardwork can pay off, that I need to believe in myself and have a more positive outlook. And I guess that is my takeaway from the entire exam experience. My math tutor - Oh I am just relieved I didn't disappoint her, she is super pleased. In fact she was the one who gave me a call around 1 on the 24th - the day of my results, the time I was supposed to be at school to take my results. I was delaying. She works at my school too so when she called me for the second time she was like "hey listen are you scared and stressing about what would happen?" I lied ofc and then she said, "listen stop being worried, you've received excellent results." Then she let me know about my grades and all shortly. You wouldn't believe, it was the word "excellent" that I suppose shooed my worries the moment I heard it yet all that came out of my mouth was, "Miss, you are joking?" She was waiting and asked me to come immediately and I literally rushed to school. So it's literally her call that came like a good news and blessing. It also rained that day. That rain felt like it was bringing new beginnings and washing the past & dirt away. It was a pleasant day. There will be hurdles but at least now I can move freely, smoothly and joyously. My plan is to study the foundation course in Malaysia. Foundation of Business. I can apply for the pre-university course. It takes one year whereas A-Levels take 2 years and I don't wanna to study A-Levels. Not just because I don't wanna stay in this country and take 2 more years to join uni. It's also because foundation is actually a more beneficial route for me. It will hone my skills and give me an experience that I'd like to get before joining university. There are a lot of Australian and UK university college campus in Malaysia which is where I want to go. Once I am done with the course, I can apply for their respective universities. The only obstacle is the funding and I am starting my journey of making it happen. I cannot not use this opportunity. I will regret it forever. I cannot let my dad make me suffer anymore. I didn't expect the grades I have received. I would be constantly be frightened but I am really very happy. So I can use this for my benefit to negotiate with my dad. Please pray that I cross this hurdle. I hope to catch the session of January. I need to prepare for Ielts, funding and the documents. There's some things I wanna clear in my head about this whole journey that I want to go on. Because there's hope and fear, sadness about loneliness and my mom. That's something I am still trying to convince myself. I have never lived alone. It sounds silly because I have been lonely with these people being under the same roof. But I am still nervous. I just love my mom too much. But I just wanna have a good life and provide her a good life too. Being stuck here for 2-4 years isn't gonna make that happen. Please hope and pray the best for me, my dream to go to Malaysia, and most importantly, be there with me. I don't want to lose touch with you.❤️❤️
That is all excellent news. You are going to learn to trust yourself more and more. The Malaysia plan sounds like a solid one. You will figure it all out piece by piece. You just had a major part fall into place. There will be bumps along the way but they won't mean the end of your plan. You will figure out how to manage in a new place. And you can always come here any time to chat about things.@anikaasad
I am doing fine. How about yourself?@anikaasad
@bestVase7265 I am in a complicated situation. I have begun journaling online, so that I feel even a little better and find some clarity in my thoughts. I hope I don't jinx it since consistency has never been my strong suit in the case of journaling.
So as you know, I want to go to Malaysia for foundation study. It requires around $600-700 and it can be paid in 3 semesters. The rules are the same in all my chosen universities. And as I feared, the man who is my father has put a lot of obstacles in my path. He doesn't want to provide financially. You get scholarships in undergraduation study, not with foundation courses. They are equivalent to Grade 11 and 12. I don't want to do Foundation just for the fact that it is only one year programme. I am choosing it because it will teach me good skills and not just focus academic education. And I can easily opt for undergraduation in the same university or apply to UK. This is a much easier and hassle free path for me to go abroad because neither I have the patience or energy to invest into 2 year A levels and I won't even get good grades in the exams which will bring down my chances of applying for scholarships to zero and then I cannot go abroad. I don't even need IELTS to go to Malaysia for foundation course! I have the perfect results. But the lack of finances have left me crippled. As I write this, my stress level is shooting up. My session starts in March and April. And as much as I am willing to make myself to believe that I still have SOME time, I fear I don't. My sister, I know, is willing to help me get out but she has been stuck without a job for the past one year and has been actively searching for one. Conversations with her this month has been too draining for many reasons. I know she will help me out the moment she finds job, but what if it's not on time? God. I have tried to look for foundation courses in my own country and there's one that I am open to, but the thing is, it costs the same amount as the ones in Malaysia. Just that there won't be any living cost here obviously. Now if I can do that, why don't I directly opt for Malaysia which is a much better option!
And I am asking you to please believe me Dawn, finance is not an issue for my father. No. He is trying to stop me, from going out. As much as I feel fury when I think about his attempts to make me let go of this golden opportunity for my career, I feel hopeless to think about my near future now. I don't want to study A levels. I cannot. I studied igcses because there was no alternative and I had to clear this stage. In the case of A-levels, I have alternatives. And A-levels will not add any value to my life or in the direction where I want my career to go. It's a time waste.
I don't know what to do. I have been trying to hone my skills in this free time and land into the world of freelancing/online jobs but it takes time I guess? And there's so much competition already with me having very little knowledge on how to market myself and build a portfolio with no experience. I am in survival mode.
Ok, I am so sorry for your current situation. I do entirely believe that your dad is manipulating you because he wants to keep control over you. You don't have to convince me of that.
Let us keep working on a way around him. I sort of understand your system but I apologize because I don't have entire control over the acronyms. Let me make sure that I understand: you want to do a shorter form of study that your dad doesn't want to pay for because he wants you to do something more academic and longer. Do I have that right?
Would doing his form of education allow you to go to another country? Is there a way to start on his program and then switch over to what you want after your sister has the money to help you a bit? This is probably not an option but maybe it is a starting point. The first key is getting you away. @anikaasad
@bestVase7265 Yes Dawn, you have understood it completely right.
Yes, A-levels would equally give me the chance to go abroad but I need really good grades and a scholarship. He definitely wouldn't pay then. He doesn't want to pay now, he won't be paying ever regardless of what he says.
A-Levels would, in fact, keep all my options of fields open but I am pretty clear on what I want to study, which is Business, so being smart is important to me than being safe. And why I insist so much on Foundation program because along with scholarship after A-levels, I would need to give IELTS, provide multiple documents, wait around and maybe a way would come out by the end of 2026! This is absolutely rubbish in comparison to the fact that I don't need any of that hassle with the Foundation in Malaysia. My route is easier now than ever, and I can easily transfer to the UK after a year.
He wants me to enroll in a program (A-levels) which I don't want to because my heart isn't in it, because I need to study unnecessary subjects and content and I would be wasting 2 years and more.
You haven't even gone that far to suggest me this, I know, but I'm just letting you know my frustration. And what you are suggesting is actually what my sister said as well. That I don't need to finish A-levels, but just start and when she gets a job, she can take me out in March. But I am just terrified. What if she doesn't get a job in Feb because she hasn't had one in 14 years because of extreme competition now and the fact that she had also lost her focus in between. What if I have to remain stuck? Either way 2 years would be going into waste and I am afraid of exactly that.
These thoughts keep me busy and I feel like I am drowning, and then there is this awful money issue. I would just love to be able to earn online in some ways.
I do think that your sister has got it right then. The most critical thing right now is to get into a program that gets you away from your father.
Even if she doesn't get a job that immediately allows you to get out of starting the A levels, you can still stop when she does. You aren't going to be wasting huge amounts of time. You are just going to be learning something different temporarily that might help you in some way later in life.
You aren't getting stuck. You are escaping.
There is no one perfect path in life. Sometimes you end up temporarily on offshoots where you don't exactly want to be. But they are temporary and sometimes they are quite different than what you actually anticipated.
So figure a way out first and then figure out the rest of it.@anikaasad
@bestVase7265 Yes. I am just so stressed. Often I'm calmly stressed. I have my room door locked to prevent my mom occasionally coming to my room because otherwise there's gonna be escalations with me being in this zone. November has been a month of escalations with my sister, mostly on text. She is not really herself ever since she has come back to Bangladesh from Belgium. She will go out again but she had to come back temporarily because one can't afford to stay there past their residence permit expiration date. She is staying at her friend's place and the parents don't know she is here. The boundary that has been made more than a year ago is staying intact. She is constantly looking for jobs and wants to get out again. She has hit rock bottom and I desperately hope she gets better. But this escalations have taken a toll on me. So much has happened. We text not so often now but we are close and get necessary work done when we meet, if you know what I mean.
I just feel so tired and hopeless often. I am trying to remain sane, but I am just exhausted of dealing with this all the time. My environment, my situation, everything feels very heartbreaking.
Can you give me some suggestions about any freelancing platforms (not upwork because they are just too competitive and i feel hopeless or maybe i just don't know the right way) or any way that I can earn a few bucks from? I'm just clueless. You need to better your existing skills and give time to it to land better jobs but I don't even have that patience to devote myself because I desperately need some money. It's not that I can't be patient, I'm currently just not energised enough to muster that patience. Bashing your head to the wall is easier than asking for money from him because I feel like I have hit a stage where I am not as willing to waste my energy on him as before and he too keeps getting worse. There's nothing more joyful than being able to earn with whatever skills you have. I tried with handmade jewellery page on fb but I am unable to market my products, and actually I half-tried. I'm a coward-ish girl.
You aren't a coward at all. You managed to finish your exams and you didn't think you would. You fought back against anxiety and depression and triumphed.
Now is just the new battle.
I am sorry that your sister also is suffering quite a bit at the moment. It makes talking even tougher because neither of you is in a good spot.
I am afraid that world of online business is one that I don't know at all. I do like the idea of the jewelry though. What kinds of pieces do you make? What would it look like if you devoted yourself to that for a bit to try to raise some funds? @anikaasad
@bestVase7265 Yes, the battles don't seem to end. I don't say life has to be perfect, nor it will be but people get out of trauma phases and find life worth living? I am nowhere near that. The only way I can see that happening is being able to go abroad and make money. In the case of making money, I feel super demotivated and almost like an idiot. People are more skilled than me, I also feel like I don't have a clear idea about what exactly my income sources will be. I can't go years just wasting my time, life and years into this worse phase, having no positive outcome and later thinking in my middle-to-old age, ah if I could just have lived a little.
Yes, I guess I should devote some time here. It's here I feel very unsure, and scared.
@bestVase7265 You asked about what kind of jewellery I make. They include oxidised metal jewelllery, thread jewellery for now. They are desi traditional handmade jewellery.
Btw I think I should start a new thread.
@bestVase7265 https://www.7cups.com/forum/depression/General_2427/Neverendingissues_318844/
Here is the new thread.
Hope you're doing better now. I can relate with you in many ways. You can always give me a text and we can talk about it.
@littleWriter1109 Hi. I am doing great. Thank you for even asking. I would love to text! I just don't know how :( and where are the features here
I'm glad to know you're doing better, dear. And you don't have to thank me at all. Trust me I really feel for you. I feel as if I'm a burden and I keep myself guarded. I just really wish to have someone to lean on, because I can't rely on my sisters or any of my of my friends. I feel like our family and situations are alike to a large extent. That is why I wanted us to know each other better and maybe become friends if you'd like. Anyways, I also don't know how the texting thing works here:(
Just in case, I'll leave my email here - s.cchfaria@***.com
I really hope to hear from you!
@littleWriter1109 I would be extremely happy to get in touch. And you said how I'd feel if I knew someone's situation is very similar to what I face. Thank you for being so supportive and providing your mail. I think it's g + mail right? I will definitely get in touch!
