Increase in Depression During the holidays

I hate the holidays. So much stress and I always feel suicidal. Thinking about christmas makes me want to cry.

I am spending the Christmas alone. My only real family , my aunt, has booked a flight to her sister's home in another state ( her sister, my other aunt, has disowned me and I am not invited). She will be gone for 2 weeks. I fear that this will be a hard time for me - spending the holidays alone. I do have a father and sister , although, his wife does not allow me in their home and my other sister hates me with a passion, so Christmas with them - is not an option.

I did have an idea though - I work/volunteer as a companion for the elderly , which I had to give up after an accident I had and totalled my car. I will have a car by then so I am going to ask my old drector to sign me up for volunteering to visit and spend time with those who have no friends or family to spend it with either...that way, not only do I get to spread holiday cheer to other ppl who are alone this holiday seasn, but I get to feel the holiday joy as well - the real true giving of the season - not just presents and things.

But I know going to bed alone on Cristmas Eve and Christmas, not to mention New Years , will be very sad and lonley and maybe even panicky and fearful. I am hoping that volunteering will help spread cheer to others and myself and make this season more managable. But I do have worried and sadness about this holiday season coming up...

I hope others will be on 7 cups too because I really do not want to celebrate alone :(

Yes, I get a little depressed and lonely in all this holiday/Christmas commotion. It really sucks during New Year's Eve when it's about to strike 12 and fireworks and everyone start to get riled up, I look around and there's no special someone to enjoy it with. It's not like I can't enjoy the new year it's just it would be nice to have someone I can just soak in the moment with.

Thanksgiving used to be my most favorite time of year. Now, not so much. I am reminded that I havent seen or talked to my oldest son in a decade or so, my youngest it has been a year or two. I remember back when, when they were with me. I have had to close my eyes and just focus on my husband and his family now.

It's the being completely unable to plan anything for myself that's been getting me lately, alongside my little brother's opinion of the situation. Especially when I can remember that everything came to a head for me around this time last year as well. An anniversary of awful thrown in with the holidays and family birthdays and travel to places I'm not keen on being.

Yes, because I go to my relatives house and they're harsh about my weight and clothing and just everything

Yes it and and on special days, making the extra effort to make a better day causes me even more stress @7cups

Spending THANKSGIVING alone for the first time this year : (

Summer holiday was fine this year, it completely went away for a week. I haven't had my depression long enough to see if it gets worse during xmas. I guess we'll see soon! (I honestly think it's gonna be fine, maybe even a bit better, or its gonna plummet)

Mine is based on factors unrelated to family or holidays. I haven't figured out how to establish real relationships so when I feel anything I feel alone, I detached my mind from my emotions a long, long time ago and now I can't figure out how to undo it.

For anyone interested in neurochemistry, oxytocin, also known as the "love hormone", is the neurochemical responsible for the happiness and connection you feel when seeing someone you care about. The areas of the brain that produce neurochemicals can wither and atrophy if not used, and I believe my brain hasn't produced oxytocin in so long that it would take a huge amount of effort to regrow that part of my mind. I currently lack the mental strength and energy to attempt such a feat, so it's impossible for me to feel close to anyone, no matter what we go through together.