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Why can't I move on
LovelyPlace4774 April 19th, 2022
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This is not a typical, "I need to move on" scenario. It doesn't involve a significant other, which is normally what people try to move on from. It's about my job. I cannot move on from my job, even though it is detrimental to my health and wellbeing.

I started working for this company almost 4 years ago. Within 2 weeks of being in the job, I knew that I needed to find a new job because I hated what I was doing. I am very practical. I like efficiency, being productive, and I am naturally motivated...but this job destroyed all of that. Efficiency is impossible in the job and my boss has made it so I cannot be productive. This is really hard for me, because I have always been proud of my productivity and motivation, but also with my efficiency. Sometimes it's like I'm a whirlwind getting things done, and it's awesome. It's not like a manic type of thing. It's more about my time organization and motivation being on point.

Anyway, things rapidly went downhill in this job. I was grateful when I was able to start working from home in mid-2019, before the pandemic was even a possibility. My boss made me an independent contractor. I am in the US and we have 2, basic, kinds of work that is recorded and sent to the government. Regular employees, where the employer pays part of certain taxes, has to abide by specific wage rules and hours, and then we have independent contractors (IC), where you are your own boss. You set your own hours and how you do your job, but then the boss (who then becomes a "client") will no longer pay their portion of taxes and you have to pay them yourself, which is a huge financial burden. So, I was made an IC, but only for a while. My boss likes to flip flop, back and forth, when he feels like he can "afford" to pay his portion of the taxes. In case you're wondering, it's illegal in the US to misclassify an employee as an IC, when they really should be an employee.

But that's not all that my boss has done that's just plain wrong for a boss to do. He is very opinionated politically, religiously, racially, gender-wise. He's basically an old fashioned racist, misogynist, ultra religious, and very very conservative person. He makes threats about firing me if I don't improve, even when I'm doing better than anyone else working. He calls me things like "too sensitive" when I go to him about my coworker calling me a b*tch, or other derogatory comments. He also "forgets" to pay me, and makes it very hard for me to earn bonus wages. And even though I am again an IC...I found out that would be the case in January...he thinks he can tell me how and when to work. I will not be working and he will call me. I feel obligated to answer, but am upset for the rest of the day.

I am severely burned out. My head just aches whenever I have to log into work. It feels like it's just full, or like a severe tension headache. I dread any interaction with him, or with my coworker.

I took a 4-day weekend and am still waiting on the fallout. Because I'm my own boss, I am not obligated to tell him when I will be working, but I already know there is going to be a confrontation about it.

But...I can't move on. I can't find a different job. I look, but I don't apply. Maybe I'm afraid that I won't get an interview, or that if I do get hired that I will hate the job. Maybe I'm just too comfortable and fear change (which I have never thought about myself, since I always used to embrace change). I don't want to job hop, but maybe that's ok, I don't know. All I know is that some employers are really picky about potential employees switching jobs, or not staying in jobs for very long.

I am not sure how to move on, but I desperately need to. I have no savings. I have barely anything, so if I didn't have a job, I wouldn't be able to make it through a month. I really don't have anyone to help me.

So many people say, find another job...but it's really not that easy and although I need to do it, I am just not sure why I won't even apply to anything. I am tired of being so down all the time and I know it's because of my job. I need a positive change, yet I can't bring myself to do it. Honestly, I want my boss to fire me so I will be forced to find another job, but I don't think he will do that.

I would love to start my own business, but my new lack of motivation is making that impossible.

Ugh, sorry this is so long...I am glad I wrote it out, hoping I could figure out how to help myself, but I'm still clueless.

5
lucy2 April 20th, 2022
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Hi @LovelyPlace4774

Thanks for your post!


Lucy2

CyclingThroughLife April 21st, 2022
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I am sorry you feel this way. I've felt this way before about my job. It really sucks when you are stuck like that. I don't have answers other than look for the positive and to the future. I know its hard to do and when folks say things like that, sometimes we get frustrated because they don't or can't understand the complexity of the situation....sort of a walk a mile in my shoes type of thing...so if nothing else, feel free to vent... that's what we are supposed to do here...even if you don't get the advice you are looking for, sometimes writing it out makes us feel better....hang in there...

Litepanda April 27th, 2022
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Hi @LovelyPlace4774

Glad to have you here sharing your story. You describe everything very well. Your situation, how it affects you, how you feel about it. You seem to be very self-aware and have a thorough understanding of your situation.

You definitely deserve a better job and better treatment from your boss and coworkers for all your dedication to your job. I know it's hard to find a new job. The interviews, the possibility for changes, waiting for the decision from the employer, and such. But I think it's not just about finding a job. Because you sound like a terrific employee. If only you try to put yourself in front of a potential employer and let them see what you have to offer, they'd feel lucky to have you as a part of the company.

You said you're looking for a different job, but you don't apply. It seems to me that you've grown attached to your current company. Maybe it's the environment, maybe even the people, which can happen even when they're unhealthy. Because you know the amount of effort you've put in and what you're capable of doing, and yet you're being underappreciated.

Maybe what makes it so hard is because you feel if you quit under this circumstance, it'd be the same as you're giving up. And you don't want to feel that way. Because then it would lead to the thought that your boss is right for the wrongdoing he does to you. Which pretty much would also mean that you deserve those treatments. And you don't want that to happen because you know you don't deserve that. And I believe anyone who read your post would agree that you definitely don't deserve that.

Maybe what bothers you the most is not about losing your job and having to find another. But more of you take that step when you don't feel well appreciated. It's about the way you see yourself for the step that you take. Maybe that's why you don't mind if your boss fires you. Because then, the end of employment is not on you, it's on him.

Or also, just like what you said, maybe you're afraid if you find another job, it wouldn't be the job that you enjoy doing either. And this fear is very normal, especially since you have a bad experience with you're current job. Or maybe there are some other reasons that you're yet to explore.

But no matter what the reason is, always remember that you're valuable and you have a lot to offer. And if you really come to a conclusion where you choose to end your employment and find another job, it's not your loss. It's the company's loss. Because they fail to appreciate you. And you deserve better.

10Wands February 28th, 2023
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I am sorry you are having a hard time right now with this situation. I can somewhat relate having had a job I didn't want from the start and ended up staying there for 4 years because I felt stuck and like it wasn't going to be ok financially if I let it go. I had a hard time for years trying to figure out what to do and where to go. Until I got to a breaking point with it where I couldn't go in to work and was calling out a lot having anxiety attacks and being unable to stop crying because of how bad I didn't want to go. The job was not mistreating like your employer seems to be but I finally got to a point where I was willing to take the risk to let it go. Even if it wasn't gonna be ok financially. Because I wasn't ok. I cried and worried after letting it go. At the same time as having a lot of relief it was done. And it did turn out to be ok. It wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined and often our minds do imagine much worse than reality. Life still isn't perfect for me and I still struggle with other jobs and mental and emotional issues. But I don't really regret letting that one go. I'm still happy I've left any of the jobs that just weren't good for me. I can't say you will feel the same but it was my experience. And even though I haven't yet met my perfect job I look back and see how each thing I've done does seem to have been better than the last. Because I've tried to build on what I do want from a job and turn away what I don't want. It doesn't make it easy to let go of what you have now out of the fear for the unknown. But sometimes you just gotta jump and hope for the best.

PestoPasta8973 February 28th, 2023
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Thank you for sharing this. I'm not a therapist, but this very clearly is emotional abuse. He sounds like a narcissist and is trying to make you feel completely dependent on him so you won't leave. That's what narcissists do—they eat away at your soul until you feel like you can't do better and/or aren't worth anything more.


I recently just got out of a similar situation, except mine involved an emotional affair with the owner on top of it all. He went from saying, "If I had met you some time ago, my life would be entirely different right now," to basically telling me (in a non-joking way) that he didn't care whether I lived or died—as long as I didn't die in his building.


I was on call 24/7 for 14 days in a row (on top of working regular hours), then got 7 days off call (again, still working regular hours). He let his nephew, who was even WORSE, call the shots. It felt as though I was walking on eggshells every day. I became literally paranoid that I was going to be fired. My nerves were shot until one day I handed in my notice. I didn't have another job lined up at all, but I knew I was done. Luckily I do have a new job and sometimes I think about the old place and cry, but I no longer have to wonder what kind of abuse he's going to put me through anymore. I still miss him for some sick reason. Needless to say, I get it. Weigh out your options and give it a lot of thought. When the time is right, you'll know.

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