Your personality x the condition

Hi. I feel like this a lot too, so don't fret. I am younger than you, and subject to a similar but different condition that you have probably heard of- BPD (borderline personality disorder). What you bring up is something I have thought about a lot- and my answer is this:

I understand your question fully, but my answer may not be what I or any other individual suffering with any mental illness wants to hear. I would not be myself if my illness wasn't a part of my life. So, though I want to check out the wound that is myself and see what I am what I peel off the BPD band-aid, I can't. BPD is so embedded in me (in such a short amount of time, might I add) it is like piecing together a document that has been through the shredder, (whether that be one time or a million times), you can't really tell what is there anymore.

Tell me what you think of this answer, and on what levels you may agree or disagree. It's a touchy subject.

Hi!

I agree with you - I know that the disease is a part of me - a very important one.

But I also know that sometimes, some stuff that you do or feel does not belong to you. Growing up with a Grandma and a sis with schizophrenia kinda taught me that. Some times, my sis say really mean things that I know that it's not her. And I sometimes (specially those I-hate-meds times) I say things and do things I'd never do in a normal day, and afterwards I feel like trash.

So, I want to know what is the healthy me, the non crisis me... :)

Hi!

I agree with you - I know that the disease is a part of me - a very important one.

But I also know that sometimes, some stuff that you do or feel does not belong to you. Growing up with a Grandma and a sis with schizophrenia kinda taught me that. Some times, my sis say really mean things that I know that it's not her. And I sometimes (specially those I-hate-meds times) I say things and do things I'd never do in a normal day, and afterwards I feel like trash.

So, I want to know what is the healthy me, the non crisis me... :)

Well sorry for the multiple posts... the cel app sometimes get crazy.. :D

What I wanted to add is that I don't blame the condition for everything bad in my life.. some stuff are just me (like being stuborn and impulsive, and oh, the irony)

But as in the Polianna novel, I try to see at least one good thing about everything in life. So I thank my ADHD for the fast thinking, my fibriomialgia for teaching me how to be strong and my bipolarity for:
- Teaching me to be more tolerant and forgiving
- The super crazy intelectual hiper productive moment of mania
-The super sensitive moment of the depression..

:)

Bipolar is not WHO you are. It's an illness that you have and that needs to be managed. Asking a doctor who you are would be just their opinion on their meetings with you. For me...I wrote down who I think I am - both bad and good. But keep in mind, how you feel impacts this. So I advise that if you do this exercise, do it when you're calm and happy and content.
If I wrote down who I think I am right now (when I am calm but tired and stressed):
Procrastinator
Occasionally lazy
Good with kids and animals
A good listener and can be a good friend
can be selfish especially when I am depressed
Internalizes everything and easily self-blames
Can make others happy, I enjoy making jokes and teasing to make others happy
clumsy
forgetful
a dreamer and a bit naiive
Puts family and God first...and so on.

Once you've written everything down, keep it in your journal or somewhere where you can pull it out. I added mine to my list until I felt like I knew myself better. Then, when I am ready, I'd make a new list.

I'm 28 years old now and comfortable with who I am. Doesn't mean I will stop trying to improve myself, but I know who I am and I am confident in that knowledge.

Something else I just have to say.....I have had a lot of bad experience with terribly doctors concerning my Bipolar but I also have met good ones. Do NOT let doctors determines who you are, do NOT let them tell you how you feel. You know yourself better than anyone. You know your thoughts, pains, side effects, feelings, emotions, etc. Do not let labels like "bipolar" and "personality xxxx" describe you. They're just labels like beautiful, pretty, musician, nerd, gamer.......they are just titles society gives us as a place in the world. You are a person, you are not just bipolar, just moody, just xxxxx......

You are you. Don't think of yourself as "I am personality xx so I have to feel......"
Be who you want to be. Who you are will change as you age and as the world and life affect you. Just remember that you will always know yourself better than anyone else.

@AnnieHalloween

I know that struggle, and thank you for posting about this because I think it's something that a lot of us go through - you're definitely not alone.

I don't know if I've ever totally figured out who I am, but what helps me is thinking about the illness as a part of me, but not something that defines me.

I like to write out all of my thoughts and it helps me decipher what goes on in my head, because sometimes in the day-to-day I'm not totally sure.

Thank you so much for reaching out, and for posting this.

Lee.

Yes, this is the only reason I've found relief in the diagnosis and subsequent medication. I am curious to meet me at the baseline.

@blitheSun94

That's such a wonderful way to look at it. "Me at the baseline" - I think that will stick with me for awhile yet.

Thank you for your insight as always.

All my love,

Lee.

@Lee

My therapist says my insight is in my favor. Thank you for reading.

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