Autistic Regression
The summer's almost over, the nightmare will be over soon. I know I'm not lazy, but if I want to avoid this nightmare again, I need to work harder and smarter. I need to get my butt to work. Anyways, I came home this summer. Sometimes it feels like everyone expects me to be down, stupid, and unsuccessful. I embrace that identity a bit at home because nothing seems to change, and here's why. After a month at home I always experience an autistic regression. With the stress and the panic I just can't take it anymore. My family and I don't see eye to eye. The worst is when they insult me. I knew coming home that they wouldn't respect me. They have an overwhelming to do list of social agenda's I don't know about until the 20 minutes before they start almost EVERY DAY that usually involve noise levels I find difficult to manage. Then there's the grandmother with dementia we all have to drop anything we're doing at any given moment to watch and she's a flight risk so I mean WATCH. I haven't been myself. I only have one functioning day in the week. The rest I'm stuck, can't move. I can't think sometimes I just don't think and god at some points I wanted to unalive myself. I didn't of course, I didn't really want to, but I sure thought about it. I just wanted the pain to go away. I asked for accommodations from my family and they told me what I was asking would require them to change too much of who they are. I guess to live at home I have to sacrifice who I am instead. I always feel like a shell of myself.
@unassumingPeach6421
I'm not going sailing with my family. It's a bummer for everyone. It's hard for me to think about how hard it is to get things done. It was a bad summer. I just want it to be over. I want to work and I don't want my autistic and adhd challenges to stop me. I'll keep fighting. I hate the lack of support and judgement in my environment. My family and I are not a good fit. I'm triggered and afraid of my parents and I feel sad that I disappoint them so much, but I can't stand what they say about me. They're all jerks. I'm glad I'm making this choice but it's still hard. I see how hard it is when I see how it hurts my mother that I'm not coming. But I don't think of it beyond her own feelings and I know I need to respect my own. When it comes to looking like a picture perfect family, I've ruined it for my mom because I won't be there. She won't be able to take a Christmas card photo and posting about it would show that I wasn't there. It might concern people I guess. I'm mostly upset at the results, what's happened to me. How crap I've felt unable to do so much. I wish I could do more and be more, you know? It's hard to not feel like yourself. I hope them leaving for a week will help me. I hope it's a good trip for them. I can't promise anything.
@unassumingPeach6421
Anyways I'm going to pull myself together and get to work, sorry for the spam coming. This is me saying that I'm going to start working and I have to come back here and write about it when I stop.
@unassumingPeach6421
I watched TV for 25 minutes, I did get my space set up. I will start again at 2:30 and I will write down the next time I get distracted.
@unassumingPeach6421 I worked for an hour, I'm going to take a break
@unassumingPeach6421 Well I took a break for an hour, that went by fast. I took a bike ride and got some ice cream with my grandparents. I shouldn't watch TV but I want to. I might watch a little YouTube and get back to work.
@unassumingPeach6421 this hour sucked, my mom started vacuuming, the lawn mowers were outside, I set up outside to work, then my grandpa found me and left me to watch my grandma while I worked then my dad found us and brought her back inside. It's about to rain so I'm heading in. I don't mind all these hoops too much but I hate that I know my dad saw me and most likely told everyone that I set up a table outside which is awkward for me because we have company over and they all give me a hard time. Yesterday everyone was giving me TOO MUCH praise for making a loaf of bread. Giving me hugs and telling me I should become a chef. It's kind and all but also super condescending, I wish a loaf of bread could stay a loaf of bread. The amount of praise demonstrated to me that they didn't think I could do it. That and everyone was telling me what to do while I was making the bread even though idc and I've already make bread like 15 times. They have so little faith in me. I'll do what I always do, rise above it, keep calm and carry on.
@unassumingPeach6421 I’m glad you are still alive.
@AmyGrace55555 Thanks Amy. Writing this blog post has really help me. And things are getting better with the family, I know they still judge me and get tired of me sometimes, but I'm going to try my best to keep going. I hope you're well too!
@unassumingPeach6421
@unassumingPeach6421
Does anyone else feel like their teacher hates you when they give you a bad grade? I haven't performed like a great student, but I study like a great student. I want to do well and have my GPA brought up, it would mean so much to me. I know I'm not perfect. And not just because of the diagnoses I have recorded for learning disorders. I really am trying and I know that. It's not anyone's fault what happened to me, but it is sad. And it's a good thing that I can use everyday to bring me closer to the person I want to be: A successful worker, an inventive person, an honest, responsible person and a good friend. I can't think of anything else that truly matters besides becoming that and I will.
@unassumingPeach6421
I finished paragraph 4 which is pretty good. I have 2 paragraphs left which I will do tonight and then move on to the next assignment.
@unassumingPeach6421
I know it's selfish to spam this chat and make my post top post, but this really helps me, it tells me how long I've spent on my work. I can track my progress and talk about it, and my anxieties. This might be the best outlet I've found. I'm thinking of finishing my class on time and going sailing, and yes, it might be a disaster, but it might be really fun and I think I should give it a chance. Even if I am afraid of my family at times. I don't feel safe with them, but I don't want to be a coward, maybe I should face this head on and continue being blunt with my mother and telling her when she bothers me, and also standing my ground and not letting her push me around. Maybe this trip will help me grow a spine. I can be a *** and still incredible even to a family that sometimes hates me. It's me we're talking about, maybe I can prove that I can be amazing and respectable no matter who I'm with, and if I keep up that behavior, why would I care who thinks otherwise?
@unassumingPeach6421
I shared tonight and it was really helpful. I was having a hard time but having encouragement from strangers really helped. Just a little heart emoji or smiley face and people showing me they can relate especially @communicativepond1728 they are always really supportive of me. I'm so much more comfortable with myself, I'm caring less on people who might not like me and I'm caring about those who do, even if it's just slightly, so thanks pond! And thank you to all the other people in my life that support me. I'm grateful and happy to focus on the good!
@unassumingPeach6421
I've learned to be grateful for the people you can rely on and focus on them in your life instead of the people that don't believe or trust in you. Honestly it's true, so many people in the world will hate you, sometimes for no reason they just don't like you. That's never a big deal, just focus on the people that like you, and they might not always like you and that's okay too. Maybe your connections don't always last forever just make sure you have at least one person you can confide in and do everything you can to value your relationships because they matter so so much and I'm only now realizing relationships go so much beyond the status of having friends or being popular. Our friends are our support system and we all need one and to choose to rely on it.
@unassumingPeach6421
I'm so glad I'm me and making all my decisions based on what I really think as I go through life, I wasn't always brave enough to do that. What I've done for myself is really beautiful.
@unassumingPeach6421
I hate studying and working. I just want to go back to watching TV and doing nothing. I hate reality because I feel so bad at it. When I can imagine reality, I can imagine being good or at least normal at something. I can imagine having good conversations when conflicts arise I can imagine people understanding me without being frustrated. Sometimes what I try to do doesn't work and sometimes that affects others and they get frustrated and I hate frustrating people, I want to make them happy. I want to make people proud. It can be hard sometimes. It's not me saying I can't do anything right it's me experiencing doing something wrong all the time. No one wants to keep being wrong. Nothing's happened recently, but the trauma exists, but trauma doesn't define me or my future and I can trust myself. I can't bully myself for just existing and trying. If people are frustrated, let them be frustrated, I don't need them if they won't respect me. A lot of people have come around and learn to respect me and be kind. Why do I have to keep thinking about the people that stopped giving me a chance?
@unassumingPeach6421
People were cruel, but I don't have to be. I'm going to go brush my teeth and use some deodorant and then get back to work.
@unassumingPeach6421
Recently I started viewing things about embracing the beauty you have, eating healthy, dressing well to uniquely to have a conversation starter, choosing to embrace a more social lifestyle and even a video calling me out on longing in relationships and my need to accept myself, let myself be loved and let go of control.
Content: Netflix's you are what you eat twin experiment, this video on idealized relationships https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JqGeP240Tc, loneliness and unique fashion https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcYPiQGyZbM, and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm4tLPXlwIw a video on appearances and the wonderful perks of averting the male gaze, why not be fabulous right?
All this content made me want to better myself, which was kind of a long time coming. My muscles don't flex well and feel like jelly, I'm young and my leg felt like I have a blood clot, and I fall out of healthy habits and leap towards destructive behaviors every day. It's tough to watch. I'm pretty glued to my computer which is pretty ironic being I hate technology and all.
The reality, I have extreme disorders and my triggers usually lead to negative consequences for me. I don't have what I need when I need it. My noise triggers can really be too much for me. It leaves me numb and drained of all energy. The truth is sometimes life hits too hard and I can't keep pushing myself like a normal person.
Solutions: Dance classes (for stimming), guitar classes (for stimming), journaling like I'm doing here, and getting all that stuff to be able to sleep in my car, Ik what you're thinking but noise triggers me, if I find a quiet place to park and set up a car bed and things to cover the windows it might be the best environment, plus I don't have to feel bad about playing my sound machine. My research has found people on the spectrum need more sleep and I am exhausted all the time. Choosing to sleep in my car whenever I need a pick me up sounds like a pretty good idea to me.
So I am committed to dressing better and standing out (which costs money but I'll find out how to make the expense) I am going to eat a healthier diet which I'm already doing but I want more alternative cheese mixed in with regular dairy and more protein which will help me I believe. I'll stop longing as much too, try to wean off of addictive behaviors so I can be apart of real relationships and build stronger connections.
I play things safe a lot mainly because things have blown up in my face, but sometimes things blow up in my face because I'm so afraid that they will blow up in my face. I'm trying to forget and move on from things people said about me because I don't have to self-sabotage myself. Allowing myself to be around others who might judge or criticize me does not make me any less worthy. It's not so bad now. It might be bad with my parents and grandparents and it was for me in high school but college has been a different beast. I've had good friendships too where people have been kind. Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for a shoe to drop but it isn't even there. I need to accept myself and let insults roll off me easier. I can not be who people think I am and they can still try to tell me what I am and be mad at me for what I am not, but it's not my fault. If I'm trying my best that's all that matters. I am someone worthy of love and respect, I can't think of anything more important than that.
I'll take sometime to implement lifestyle changes. My insecurities are valid. It sucks so much when your insecurities are the kinds of things people will remind you of. The things you know people are thinking about you and holding back or telling you directly to your face, even the people close to you. And then you worry about annoying or bothering people. Sometimes I feel like my only choices are to either hate myself or hate the people that are so ignorant in their behavior towards me. I think I'm bullied for being autistic.
@unassumingPeach6421
It took me a while to see this but I'm being abused. I'm my family's flesh punching bag. The reason I always felt like I had to prove myself to them is because they have always acted like I'm unworthy. They always assume the worst of me, yell at me, talk down to me or gossip about me when I leave the room. They're my abusers. I asked people online if I could be mentally healthy while in a relationship with an abuser and the suggestion was to have other close relationships and have the ability to eventually separate. There's no clear right and wrong. I get that it's complicated and for some of it it seems like they wanted to change. But when I communicate and tell them how I'm feeling or talk about something they did that made me uncomfortable they can't take the criticism and even yell at me more. I've been thinking about this all day and it makes sense. I don't really get to have anything I feel is truly my own in this house. They have no respect for me. It's been hard to write about this but I'm glad I did.
@unassumingPeach6421
Holy sh-t! I have memories as a kid of some teachers worrying I might've been abused, like I was showing behaviors of someone abused. I always thought no. I always said I wasn't, but maybe I was. I mean I feel abused now. I feel like no one will listen to me and the whole power dynamic is shifted against me. I know that every time I feel happy or comfortable with my parents, someone insults me or yells at me, every d-amn time. That's not a coincidence that no one will listen to me and I look like an empty shell of a person, that's all abuse. I'm glad I can finally accept it.
@unassumingPeach6421 I don’t see it as selfish. You have found an outlet, which some people may never find that outlet. This is a way for you to keep track of what’s going on, and helps you get through the day. You are not alone in this, I relate to some of what you have typed. Don’t stop giving yourself this outlet to express yourself and emotions.
@AmyGrace55555
Thanks Amy for supporting me and going along this journey with me! If there's something you want to post about your day here feel free <3 you're right, it is a really nice outlet!
@unassumingPeach6421
I am adding this post for people stopping by, if you would like to share about your day, feel free to reply to this post <3
@unassumingPeach6421 I am alive. I woke up at 6:45-6:50am and got ready to go to drum line camp, just finished today’s day at camp at 12:00 and talked to our directors for a while. Then got food (tacos because they are amazing) and am now at home eating them. So far an okay day. Hope everyone is well. ❤️ (heart).
@unassumingPeach6421
I'm not autistic but i relate to this post alot. I'm in college and i moved back home for the summer. it's been *** so far. My family refuse to change anything and they are constantly asking me to do things that just completely disrupt my day. They also constantly badger me and demand to know details about my life outside the house. It's frustrating, draining and demoralising. Hope you can hang in there friend.
@zb1238 Hugs 🫂 if wanted, Friend.
I'm going back to uni in a week and I'm scared so scared. Unlike you I was able to live like a robot at home. Wake up, eat, sleep repeat. I have broken friendships at uni and people who make me feel unexplainably bad about myself. I hope not to cry myself to sleep this time around. I really do. Hope we're both able to get thru this.
@Annabeth0808 Hugs 🫂 if wanted, Friend.
@unassumingPeach6421 I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds incredibly challenging and painful. It's important to recognize that your feelings and experiences are valid. It's okay to prioritize yourself and seek out spaces where you feel understood and supported. You deserve to feel safe and respected. If it's possible, try to carve out small moments of self-care and quiet time for yourself each day, even if it's just a few minutes. Stay strong and take one day at a time. Your resilience in facing these challenges is admirable, and it's okay to ask for help when you need it.
@honestFan5149 I agree with you.
@unassumingPeach6421 as someone with a partner on the spectrum, I am sorry that you have had to deal with family like that. It's so unfortunate that most people don't want to or care to be accommodating to those on the spectrum, just because they can't relate to or understand your struggle, doesn't mean it isn't real. My partner has had to cut out her family partly because of the same issues you're facing, it was the only way that she could continue to function without their influence. That's also only because she was in a position to do so after we moved in together. I'm not saying you should do the same, but I am saying that if you have the opportunity to limit the amount of exposure you get to them, then I think that might help you to at least start to feel more like yourself during the summer time.
How are you feeling today, Friend?
@unassumingPeach6421
@AmyGrace55555 Much better! I've come to something I'm pondering. I think everyone in my family is an a**hole including me sometimes. We're all kind of terrible people like a yin and yang. I think that my family are ableist pieces of sh** I've said it for a while and I believe it. But they're not all that bad. For being a**holes they can be surprisingly cool and supportive. Family has got to be one of the most complicated things out there. That being said, being at my families house especially while they were moving in and getting settled was h***, but I find it rewarding to be close to them. They aren't my role models, we're almost nothing alike and they criticize me for everything I do, but they get things right on the important stuff and they always have my back. It's complicated. I really hope I'm in a better place now that I've worked some of this out with them. I want to be a more secure person and being unsure where I stand with my family makes me feel insecure and unstable. It's good to know I'll be ok. Obviously I want to become more independent and hopefully not rely on them at all, but it won't get so bad if I get into a situation where I ask them for help.
@AmyGrace55555
Thank you for all of your support and help Amy grace!
@unassumingPeach6421 Anytime Friend!
