5 Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone on the Autism Spectrum
Although the general public has become more aware of autism, there’s still a long way to go. The autistic community has commonly been told some phrases that we frankly don’t want to hear. These comments can be ignorant and hurtful, even with good intentions. Here are five things you shouldn’t say to someone on the autism spectrum.
1) “You can’t possibly be autistic”
Why would you flat-out deny something I know I am? It’s not up to you to decide who is autistic! We often get this comment when others hear that we have a relationship, a job, a child, or an educational qualification. They become skeptical and say, “But you’re doing so well. You can’t possibly be autistic!” Unusually, we also get this from those who are very familiar with autism. A parent might say, “You’re not autistic! You’re nothing like my autistic child who can’t do anything independently.” The truth is that everyone with autism is different and a diagnosis is not destiny. We consider it prejudiced to assume that autistic people are all lost causes who can’t possibly succeed in life. We can be capable of so much if we have an open mind.
2) “You must be good at math”
Not this misconception again! We get it, you’ve heard too many negative things about autism and you want to compliment us instead. But again, we’re all different. People on the autism spectrum have just as much variety as those outside it. This includes our abilities, which don’t always match the media stereotype. Some of us are great at math and some of us are terrible. Some of us are natural with computers and some of us are technologically illiterate. Some of us are savants and some of us struggle intellectually. Just like you, there’s no single profile of our mental abilities. Putting some abilities on a pedestal can exclude autistic people who lack those abilities and make them feel inferior.
3) “You don’t look autistic. You seem so normal”
What does this even mean? How does someone look autistic? How does someone look normal? We’re physically no different from the rest of you. There’s no way for someone to look autistic at all. This comment is even worse if this is supposed to be a compliment. It suggests that seeming “autistic” is inferior and seeming “normal” is an ideal standard. We’re just different from you and we don’t want to be forced to be someone we’re not.
4) “What’s it like to be autistic?”
What a strange and generic question. I might as well ask you, “What’s it like to be not autistic?” We don’t even know where to begin to answer this. Being autistic is everything we know. It’s in every single experience we have from day to day. Also, there’s no unified autistic life experience. Every autistic person has their own unique life, with experiences different from the others. Are there any experiences that are universally shared between all of us? Sure. We all get asked these silly questions.
5) “Everyone’s on the autism spectrum”
No, they’re not. Trust me. Those who make this comment are suggesting that everyone understands and shares our struggles to some degree. Is this supposed to make us feel better? Well, it doesn’t work, because it’s a totally false suggestion. Others don’t know what it’s like to be autistic and never will. As funny as it is to say, only autistic people are autistic. This comment isn’t reassuring, it’s totally dismissive of our unique struggles and experiences.
Have you heard any of the comments mentioned in the article?
References
Brown, L. (2012, February 27). 15 Things You Should Never Say To An Autistic. AWN. https://awnnetwork.org/15-things-you-should-never-say-to-an-autistic/
Hirschberg, E. (2017, December 13). What To Say & What Not To Say To Someone With Autism. Research Autism. https://researchautism.org/what-to-say-what-not-to-say-to-someone-with-autism/
Stout, A. (2016, July 6). 11 Things Not to Say to Someone with Autism. The Autism Site. https://blog.theautismsite.greatergood.com/dont-say-autism/
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The you couldn't be autistic one kills me because yes Karen you're definitely right and the ASD specialist who diagnosed me, the doctor with the degrees that referred me and the several autism therapist I've been to were all wrong!!
People often say things like but you're nothing like my 4yr old autistic nephew.
Yes I'm not. I'm not 4 and I'm not a boy, so that would make sense! Not to mention children are never identical in personalities, regardless of if they have autism or not.
People forget autism is a spectrum and that it is a brain developmental difference - there are probably HUNDREDS of ways your brain could develop differently that are all a part of the neurodivergency scale. We do not have to be like the 4yr old, mathematical genius, train loving, stereotypical autistic boy in the TV shows to be autistic.
My response to the what's it like being autistic is I say give me a food you don't know a recipe how to cook, now imagine I lock you in a kitchen and force you to cook it without any instructions, the kitchen is full of other people also cooking that dish, they know the ingredients and steps but can't/ won't tell you, it's noisy/busy/crowded/ warm in the kitchen, you don't even know how to turn the oven on- you don't even know if you need to use the oven, everyone else around you is having a good time and eating their meal, they're all finished, you haven't even started, not to mention you're starving. Now imagine that but it's not just cooking, it's every aspect of your life from waking up and doing self care to socialising, to learning in school to basically existing. You feel like everyone else has read the book on what to do, say and act like except you.
The everyone's autistic makes me so mad because it's like a slap of so what. You wouldn't say to someone with terminal cancer Yeah well anyone could di€ tomorrow, it completely invalidates their feelings!
@Jenna Thanks for educating others about Autism. You cannot be Autistic? That is so unsupportive to say. If a listener would say something like that, they would be given some behavioral points and maybe a community break for asking a question like that. There are people in this world of ours, who need to just stop and think before they speak. Words have meaning. Let us all keep this in mind. As a former listener and leader, I would have said something more supportive. For example, I understand your struggling with your autism, and I understand how mean people can be, I truly do. I am sorry people have asked that question. How can I support you? Is there anything I can do to help you? Please let me know, and I will do my best to support you, or put you in touch, with another listener here at 7cups, who can best help you. Not to ask, You cannot be Autistic? That is the wrong choice of words. It is so very hurtful to ask a question like that. Sorry, but I take this kind of thing very personal, because as you know I am disabled to. I have a learning disability. So it hits close to home for me. I try not to, but when you're talking about the disabled, it is a different story for me.
Appreciate you sharing your experience too - thank you calm 🙏🙏
@GoldenRuleJG Your very welcomed, my friend.
@Jenna Thank you for this thread! ✨
#4 "What’s it like to be autistic?” I think I prefer people's questions, versus the declarative statements. As long as it comes from a place of genuine curiosity, and not bullying through passive aggressiveness.
It's interesting when I describe what I think my autism is or isn't, I find other autistic people along the way! Finding my tribe so to speak. It feels tremendously validating to meet someone going through the same struggles.
So far I like the people who ask questions. I ask them questions like "What challenges do you deal with?" it's a good ice-breaker to help with shyness or social anxiety if I can just listen.
❤
@Jenna I think I wouldn't say I don't like it when people say we all have Autism it's rude and not accurate some people don't get it some do but most just don't