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unintentionally passive aggressive/manipulative
doublelife May 5th, 2016
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I try really hard not to hurt or offend anyone & I hate confrontation. If I try to spark any kind of change I'm very calculated about it but it still usually doesn't work out well. Eg today I met up w/ some study buddies & we were venting about how unfair it is that our prof takes off additional points for wrong answers (negative points instead of 0.) His rationale was that he didn't wanna waste his time reading if we were just guessing but there were plenty of times he gave me negative points for answers I honestly thought were completely right. This kid said he wrote a note to the prof about it on the last exam & I got the idea for a bunch of us to post annonymously on the class forum. I said we could say stuff like "man there were so many questions I was 80% sure I got right. Hope I don't get negative points for those" or "hope I don't get a negative score on the exam." 1 kid was like "wouldn't that be kinda passive aggressive to say it like that." I hadn't thought of it like that at all. I thought being indirect like that would be less likely to offend the prof. Although I see how being straight-up could give up more of an opportunity to explain why we feel it's unfair & that we're not just being salty.

There was another incident where I almost posted a link to a blog post on a school club channel that profs would be able to see to hint at all the stuff that's been going on during my past rough semester & how I'm not just a slacker. I thought it'd come off more as inspiration for other students in similar situations rather than asking for a pity party. I genuinely do really wanna empower other students. I already am as a tutor. I've had a lotta experiences w/ stalkers & bullies especially in professional situations & I wanna spread the message that it's not your fault how others treat you & it doesn't make you any less good at your job. I thought it was genius at the time sharing a post like that to empower other students but also hinting that my life hasn't been as easy as it looks. My therapist told me it came off like venting & that you can't post 1 blurb like that instead of having individual convos. I'm really glad she talked me out of it. I see how much drama it would've caused now.

Then there's this troublemaker kid I thought was awesome at 1st because he'd do this kinda thing & I could jump on his bandwagon w/o realizing it was trouble. 1 day he randomly posted on that channel about his struggle being misunderstood as a veteran. I felt bad that no one responded after he put himself out there so I responded w/ a super condensed version of that blog but just general stuff about how I've had some sketchy experiences while job hunting & went through like 6 interviews each for jobs I didn't get ect & how that really knocked my confidence & how I see a lotta ppl going through something similar & I want them to know they are smart & capable & they really inspire me even if they can't see how awesome they are. Then that guy was like "wake up prof X." This was at 1 AM btw. & the eboard said it's not cool to wake up faculty in the middle of the night & he started bashing them. While he used content about a real cause his post was actually pretty arrogant & provokative & out of nowhere, bashing the student body more than sharing his story. I didn't see it at the time though. Anyway I posted something to that kid about how I thought the eboard was just clarifying how to use the chanel & not attacking him. So they know I meant well.

It scares me how off I am about these things. I have borderline autism & social anxiety & I grew up in a super passive agressive family & I've been around passive aggressive ppl all through school so I don't even notice it. I look at it objectively which works for the most part for deciding how to respond to others. I know what they said & what I want & what I think would be good for everyone & I respond accordingly. It's actually great payback to treat a jerk like you don't notice they're being a jerk. They get so mad when you treat them normally rather than responding to their tactics aka giving them the special treatment they want. What I didn't realize is that I was doing it.

I know I'm not great at expressing myself so I try to be super careful & just drop little hints here & there w/o saying anything explicitly. I sugar coat things a lot & it's the only way I can be around so many genuinely good people who've just gotten so messed up by their environment w/o getting beat up. I attract a lot of manipulative & sometimes even potentially dangerous people. I'm really open minded. A lot of people going through a rough time see me as the only person they can trust. Then there's the few people who use my passion for helping people to manipulate me.

I want a simple life. I don't wanna be passive aggressive. I'd love to just be passive. It's really fun for me but I'm also constantly going through life thinking of ways things could be better & I wanna make an impact. I feel so awkward when I have knowledge that could help people but I'm afraid to put it out there. I range between telling people nothing & too much depending on the day. Sometimes I feel my life would be better if I was just quiet more & saved the helping people for online more. But I really enjoy helping people in my immediate environment too.

I'm pretty sassy sometimes & find humor in just about everything. It's a coping mechanism & also just my way of having fun. I feel anxious when idk what's going on & I always have a ton of questions I wanna ask but I have a hard time finding the guts to even ask 1. I know a lot of them would be time consuming for others so I try to tell myself it'll be ok. I've convinced myself imperfect grades aren't the worst thing in the world but I'll start working full-time soon & I really don't want any more faux pas. I really want to be a mature professional. I have a more mature outlook on a lotta things than most ppl my age but in my everyday life I'm fumbling & probably sound like I think I'm in high school. I don't know. I get such mixed responses from different people day to day. Sometimes people tell me I'm really good at communicating. I'm good at breaking down concepts because I've been tutoring for years & understand how people have different perspectives. That doesn't make me good at all things communication & I worry people will think it's on purpose if I accidentally do something passive aggressive.

I feel like a "broken person." I know I've come a really long way & I amaze myself everyday but it scares me how much my outlook surprises people sometimes. Like when people say "who hurt you" in response to my jokes & I was just tryna be funny. Or when we're talking about #CollegeStruggles & I say something about stalkers or people seeing me as competition just because I happen to be the same ethnicity (long story.) Anyway I feel like my life is too much for most people. I tone it down but sometimes that leaves me w/o much content haha. Working on myself is rewarding in the form of relief but no celebration. I know every breath is a success but it's exhausting. It's 1 of those tunnels you get into w/ the impression there's light at the end but there's just more tunnel. & you know you've come far but you see the people who never entered the tunnel having a great time & letting other people deal w/ their flaws. I know it's probably not intentional. Who knows, maybe they're working hard too.

I just feel lost I guess when I keep discovering things like this about myself & I have no idea where to go from here. I've exhausted all the resources out there. I guess this is being an adult. Now I need to be the 1 to figure out the answers. But it's the chicken & the egg story. I'm not ready for the next steps until I figure this stuff out but idk how to. I know everyone's not out to get me but I have a lotta self-destructive tendencies. I don't know how to identify & fix them. I spend hours trying to think of solutions to potential problems only to find my solutions would be worse.

I want people to understand I'm not perfect w/o feeling bad for me. I do have a support system but my needs are so unusual I feel like the world can't fulfil them.

2
live4logan May 5th, 2016
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@doublelife

First thank you for sharing your story..

This is a tough one to over come.. It sounds like you were taught not to stand up for yourself, drop hints maybe, just maybe someone will notice and fix it for you. It also sounds like you are person that likes to get things fixed. These two things do not combine very well.

You talk about being passive, yet you have inclinations to fight the system. So you are trying your best to do this without putting up a fight, hoping that the person on the other end will have an AHA moment. Unfortunately, that is not how life works.

It does not make you agressive to stand up when you feel an injustice, or to lend out a hand when it is needed.

As we grow our personality grows with us, I am wondering if maybe you were told your whole life that you were a passive person, and have disorders that create passive people.. Now you are growing into something else, someone that wants to stand up but that is creating confict inside your head. I think you need to learn how to assertive, I think that you are currently not being true to who you are and that is causing alot of your struggle..

Again thank you for sharing! And Good luck on this journey.

doublelife OP May 5th, 2016
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@live4logan Thanks so much for your insightful response.

"It sounds like you were taught not to stand up for yourself, drop hints maybe, just maybe someone will notice and fix it for you. It also sounds like you are person that likes to get things fixed. These two things do not combine very well." So true!!

I do really want to make an impact & help ppl but the problem is I can't go all in on most efforts because I don't realize how misguided I can be sometimes. Being different is great for learning to empathize w/ people's struggles & recognize there are different perspectives but it also means missing the "obvious" ones sometimes. I try to really think things through myself 1st & look at different perspectives & think of how things could backfire. This slows me down personally compared to open brainstorming but it probably makes things more efficient for groups. That's a big part of the reason I don't wanna tell ppl they're wrong. I just wanna make them aware of my perspective. Who knows, maybe I'm wrong. Or we're probably both right in different ways. I learn a lot from open discussion & it's helped me overcome a lotta challenges but it's too risky at this point because I'm going into the work world where there are always pressing concerns & I don't wanna cause distractions or upset people or give the impression I'm a troublemaker or don't like them.

Sure I've been told I have disorders that make me passive but I know plenty of inspirational people who've overcome this kinda thing. I guess it's a dilemma how much I'm willing to sacrifice to be the best I can be. There's been many times I've considered being a martyr for a good cause. I figured that was just where I naturally fit. I took a lotta heat to keep my parents from fighting, same w/ friends once I got to college. I dealt w/ the consequences of other ppl's actions so they could have a 2nd chance. That was the 1st time in my life I felt like I had value & people were better off w/ me alive. I didn't care if others didn't see it. I thought the more I let ppl think I'm a villain so others could have better lives the better it makes me as a person. After struggle after struggle I didn't think I had what it takes to succeed so I focused more on helping others succeed.

I started helping people in a lot more healthy ways too like volunteering & tutoring. But there was also the taking the blame for everything that went wrong around me. After all, I am pretty socially oblivious so it could be haha.

Then I started tryna be a leader only so I could make an impact. That really messed me up. If I was messed up before from the taking the fall for others stuff this made it spiral outta control. I started projects in several classes. 1 time I initiated something w/ a charity org. The charity program leader was all excited at 1st but later was like sighing annoyedly when I called at the time we set up. & on the other side I was doing all the work initially & we got a bad grade on 1 tiny thing which I honestly thought was good enough but apparently it wasn't up to standards. So my group members told the prof I turned in the wrong google doc & humiliated me. Then they old school bullied me. They made me take puclic transit all over town to meet them & then when I got done watching my online lecture in a crowded cafeteria on the other side of town just so I could meet w/ them right after they were like "we just got done." They did not let me touch that assignment. & they acted like that was the only time they could meet up. The timings they gave me for their prior commitments didn't add up. Then I led a project in another class where my group mates were clueless (that was on the prof) but they didn't even show up to do anything. So here I was doing everything & falling short. But in my anxiety I thought the right thing to do was to email the prof apoligizing & saying "the rest of my group was awesome." I also gave up an interview op to work on the project. Of course 1/2 my group didn't show up. I thought that was a leader's job & that I was responsible for the failure of the group. There's also so much victim blaming when others treat you bad. My mom would remind me the common factor my whole life was me & that I was asking for it. Um no I'm not asking to be different.

I was having multiple anxiety attacks on the daily where the floor would bounce up & down so I decided to put my sanity 1st & not lead anything. Instead I focused on tutoring ppl & that went really well. I've realized when I'm 40 & leading 30-somethings no one will care if I can't master the act of leading adolescent children. People like having me around when I'm not leading & just helping/contributing. I've realized leadership is exhausting & torture for me & I can make an impact in other ways. But it does suck how many checklists I've made about what ways to make an impact work & don't. It feels restrictive.

I really don't wanna make waves or change the vibe when I walk in a room at my new job. I'm pretty oblivious to a lotta subtle vibes a lot by choice. There's a lotta negativity at school so I just zone it out or look at anything as a joke. I'm usually 1 of 2 or 3 girls in my classes & I don't notice when I'm around a bunch of guys. I don't notice how different I am in a lotta ways. It's healthy for me to not obsess on that. But it's ok for a college student but idk about for a contributing member of society. I mean I already am but I will be on a larger scale. Ppl stress self-awareness as a tool. For me I can't be self-aware w/o starting to hate myself. It's a rabbit hole I'd much much rather not go down. I really hope I don't need to. I'd love to find an alternative solution. I'm really good at finding alternative solutions for myself & others. I'm not so good at recognizing when some ppl see those things as downsides. Anyway being connected w/ ppl is energizing & inspiring for me but draining, anxiety provoking & fuel for my OCD at the same time. I like when I can just be open to explore but I don't feel that way once I get more connected w/ ppl. I love being around ppl idk & taking in the inspiration w/o creating a raport. But having raport w/ me has helped a lotta ppl too. There's just a lot I'm not comfortable being open about. I don't feel comfortable letting ppl in. I have bad judgment about ppl like that troublemaker I thought was so awesome.

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