doublelife Member Profile

...See more I try really hard not to hurt or offend anyone & I hate confrontation. If I try to spark any kind of change I'm very calculated about it but it still usually doesn't work out well. Eg today I met up w/ some study buddies & we were venting about how unfair it is that our prof takes off additional points for wrong answers (negative points instead of 0.) His rationale was that he didn't wanna waste his time reading if we were just guessing but there were plenty of times he gave me negative points for answers I honestly thought were completely right. This kid said he wrote a note to the prof about it on the last exam & I got the idea for a bunch of us to post annonymously on the class forum. I said we could say stuff like "man there were so many questions I was 80% sure I got right. Hope I don't get negative points for those" or "hope I don't get a negative score on the exam." 1 kid was like "wouldn't that be kinda passive aggressive to say it like that." I hadn't thought of it like that at all. I thought being indirect like that would be less likely to offend the prof. Although I see how being straight-up could give up more of an opportunity to explain why we feel it's unfair & that we're not just being salty. There was another incident where I almost posted a link to a blog post on a school club channel that profs would be able to see to hint at all the stuff that's been going on during my past rough semester & how I'm not just a slacker. I thought it'd come off more as inspiration for other students in similar situations rather than asking for a pity party. I genuinely do really wanna empower other students. I already am as a tutor. I've had a lotta experiences w/ stalkers & bullies especially in professional situations & I wanna spread the message that it's not your fault how others treat you & it doesn't make you any less good at your job. I thought it was genius at the time sharing a post like that to empower other students but also hinting that my life hasn't been as easy as it looks. My therapist told me it came off like venting & that you can't post 1 blurb like that instead of having individual convos. I'm really glad she talked me out of it. I see how much drama it would've caused now. Then there's this troublemaker kid I thought was awesome at 1st because he'd do this kinda thing & I could jump on his bandwagon w/o realizing it was trouble. 1 day he randomly posted on that channel about his struggle being misunderstood as a veteran. I felt bad that no one responded after he put himself out there so I responded w/ a super condensed version of that blog but just general stuff about how I've had some sketchy experiences while job hunting & went through like 6 interviews each for jobs I didn't get ect & how that really knocked my confidence & how I see a lotta ppl going through something similar & I want them to know they are smart & capable & they really inspire me even if they can't see how awesome they are. Then that guy was like "wake up prof X." This was at 1 AM btw. & the eboard said it's not cool to wake up faculty in the middle of the night & he started bashing them. While he used content about a real cause his post was actually pretty arrogant & provokative & out of nowhere, bashing the student body more than sharing his story. I didn't see it at the time though. Anyway I posted something to that kid about how I thought the eboard was just clarifying how to use the chanel & not attacking him. So they know I meant well. It scares me how off I am about these things. I have borderline autism & social anxiety & I grew up in a super passive agressive family & I've been around passive aggressive ppl all through school so I don't even notice it. I look at it objectively which works for the most part for deciding how to respond to others. I know what they said & what I want & what I think would be good for everyone & I respond accordingly. It's actually great payback to treat a jerk like you don't notice they're being a jerk. They get so mad when you treat them normally rather than responding to their tactics aka giving them the special treatment they want. What I didn't realize is that I was doing it. I know I'm not great at expressing myself so I try to be super careful & just drop little hints here & there w/o saying anything explicitly. I sugar coat things a lot & it's the only way I can be around so many genuinely good people who've just gotten so messed up by their environment w/o getting beat up. I attract a lot of manipulative & sometimes even potentially dangerous people. I'm really open minded. A lot of people going through a rough time see me as the only person they can trust. Then there's the few people who use my passion for helping people to manipulate me. I want a simple life. I don't wanna be passive aggressive. I'd love to just be passive. It's really fun for me but I'm also constantly going through life thinking of ways things could be better & I wanna make an impact. I feel so awkward when I have knowledge that could help people but I'm afraid to put it out there. I range between telling people nothing & too much depending on the day. Sometimes I feel my life would be better if I was just quiet more & saved the helping people for online more. But I really enjoy helping people in my immediate environment too. I'm pretty sassy sometimes & find humor in just about everything. It's a coping mechanism & also just my way of having fun. I feel anxious when idk what's going on & I always have a ton of questions I wanna ask but I have a hard time finding the guts to even ask 1. I know a lot of them would be time consuming for others so I try to tell myself it'll be ok. I've convinced myself imperfect grades aren't the worst thing in the world but I'll start working full-time soon & I really don't want any more faux pas. I really want to be a mature professional. I have a more mature outlook on a lotta things than most ppl my age but in my everyday life I'm fumbling & probably sound like I think I'm in high school. I don't know. I get such mixed responses from different people day to day. Sometimes people tell me I'm really good at communicating. I'm good at breaking down concepts because I've been tutoring for years & understand how people have different perspectives. That doesn't make me good at all things communication & I worry people will think it's on purpose if I accidentally do something passive aggressive. I feel like a "broken person." I know I've come a really long way & I amaze myself everyday but it scares me how much my outlook surprises people sometimes. Like when people say "who hurt you" in response to my jokes & I was just tryna be funny. Or when we're talking about #CollegeStruggles & I say something about stalkers or people seeing me as competition just because I happen to be the same ethnicity (long story.) Anyway I feel like my life is too much for most people. I tone it down but sometimes that leaves me w/o much content haha. Working on myself is rewarding in the form of relief but no celebration. I know every breath is a success but it's exhausting. It's 1 of those tunnels you get into w/ the impression there's light at the end but there's just more tunnel. & you know you've come far but you see the people who never entered the tunnel having a great time & letting other people deal w/ their flaws. I know it's probably not intentional. Who knows, maybe they're working hard too. I just feel lost I guess when I keep discovering things like this about myself & I have no idea where to go from here. I've exhausted all the resources out there. I guess this is being an adult. Now I need to be the 1 to figure out the answers. But it's the chicken & the egg story. I'm not ready for the next steps until I figure this stuff out but idk how to. I know everyone's not out to get me but I have a lotta self-destructive tendencies. I don't know how to identify & fix them. I spend hours trying to think of solutions to potential problems only to find my solutions would be worse. I want people to understand I'm not perfect w/o feeling bad for me. I do have a support system but my needs are so unusual I feel like the world can't fulfil them.

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