Tips for people that are suffering from social anxiety
Hey there! Those of you who know me may know I have social anxiety. If you do not know me, hi I'm Cheeney! Like I said, I have social anxiety and I want to share some tips with you. I am currently in treatment with a psychologist for my social anxiety and depression, so what I want to share with you guys is partially things he said and partially things I realised through experience.
Alright, so I want to talk about 3 things; the root of your anxiety, what you do/do not do with your anxiety and acceptance of your anxiety.
First let's talk about the root of your anxiety. I think one of the most important things in overcoming your anxiety is understanding where it comes from. Only when you fully understand why you feel anxious in certain situations can you work on improving. Understand what you are feeling in those situations and dive deeper into those feelings. When you are feeling anxious, don't try to ignore that feeling (that doesn't work anyway) but rather face the feeling head on.This will be hard at first but it's key in understanding why you feel that way. For example, I often feel very anxious when I'm walking down the street. I get very conscious of the way I walk, and because of that I tend to stumble when walking sometimes, which makes me even more anxious.
When I notice I feel that way, I ask myself questions.
''Why am I so anxious about the way I walk?'' - because I'm afraid people will think I walk weirdly and start staring at me or make fun of me for it.
''Why am I so scared to be made fun of or stared at?'' - because then I'll feel embarassed and more people will judge me.
''What are the chances people will make fun of me?'' - chances aren't that big, there is nothing to gain for people if they make fun of me.
''Will it really impact my life that much if I feel embarassed?'' - no, it will hurt for some time but eventually I'll move on with my life and stop obsessing over it.
By asking myself these questions I realised a couple of things:
- My social anxiety mainly stems from my fear of being made fun of for being weird.
- Chances aren't that big people will actually make fun of me, there is nothing to gain for them.
- Even if they do make fun of me, I'll feel embarassed, it will hurt, but then I will move on.
Let's move on to what you do/do not do with your anxiety. There are probably a lot of social situations you avoid because of your anxiety. That's completely understandable. Anxiety is unpleasant so we try to avoid it as much as possible. When I started therapy I was in a bad place. I didn't leave my house much at all, I'd stay inside there for weeks and even basic things like going to the supermarket gave me panic attacks and severe anxiety.
Here's the hard part: anxiety doesn't leave on it's own. The more you avoid a situation because of your anxiety, the stronger the anxiety becomes. The best thing to do is to put yourself in difficult situations that give you anxiety, to use the questions I listed above and to realise there is often nothing to be anxious about.
My psychologist and I made an ''exposure list''. Basically, I had to list activities that I used to do before my social anxiety got this bad and activies that I would do if I didn't suffer from social anxiety. A couple of things on my exposure list are: going to the supermarket, asking a random person for directions, going for a walk, and drinking coffee by myself in a cafe.
And guess what: I've done all of them!
Going to the supermarket gave me panic attacks in the past because I was so scared of being judged and made fun of, so I avoided going. I thought if I went there people would instantly make fun of me and I tell me I didn't belong. It was when I actually did go to the supermarket that I realised my anxiety had all been for nothing. In the past 2 months I reckon I've been to the supermarket atleast 15 times, and not once has someone made fun of me or judged me in any way.
One other thing I noticed when doing things on my list was that people generally are too busy with themselves to even notice you, let alone judge you or make fun of you.
People are usually either busy with their smartphones, talking to the people they're with, listening to music or just lost in their own thoughts. They don't pay much attention to you because they're too involved in their own lifes, their own problems.
This doesn't mean you're not important or that people don't care about you: people just tend to think about themselves more than others.
One thing I always struggle with is the feeling of being looked at. Like when I'm walking down the street or are sitting in a bus, I feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me. So I avoid looking at the people and stare at my feet instead. When you look down, you can't see the world around you and you tend to feel even more anxious. It's easier to look at your feet because you don't have to look at the people around you, but it doesn't help your anxiety.
Here's a tip my psychologist gave me: when you're feeling anxious because there are people around, look at the people around you and count how many are looking back.
Just gently scan the room, street or bus you're in and look at the eyes of everyone in there. You'll notice that there aren't as many people looking at you as you think.
Let's talk about accepting your anxiety. This is very important.
I used to think that there was something wrong with me. When I start feeling anxious in a social situation, I curse my anxiety and myself and desperately start searching for an escape. I think, why can't I just be normal? Why do I have to be so anxious about this?
The crucial part here is knowing it's okay to feel anxious. When anxiety arises, don't look for a way out, accept your anxiety. Simply let it exist. Know that it will pass.
Know that your anxiety does not define you and that it is like an emotion. Think about all the times you've felt anxious, all the times you felt afraid of being judged and made fun of. All those times you fought through it. You're still alive, you're still breathing, you're still fighting. Overcoming social anxiety does not mean not feeling anxious at all anymore. It does not mean being comfortable in every social situation. It means taking control of your anxiety, living your life and doing the things you love even though you feel socially anxious and are not comfortable in social situations. It means not letting your social anxiety define you or hold you back.
These are my thoughts, tips and views on social anxiety. Thank you for reading, if you have any questions I'll gladly answer them.
Thanks for this. I needed it. After being made fun of in HS, I kinda shut down. I just need to remind myself that it's rare for that to happen.
@KymPerson I'm sorry you were made fun of in hs. In the past I've been bullied a lot too. What I always try to remember is that you being bullied isn't a reflection of who you are, it's a reflection of who the bully is. Often the bullies are the ones that are the most insecure and bullying is a way of making them feel better about themselves or distracting attention away from themselves and their insecurities. I'm not condoning bullying in any way, I just want you to know that it's not your fault if you're bullied or made fun of.
This is such a wonderful and insight post. Thank you very much for sharing this with others. That is so important :-) 
Yes i totally understand you. When you say that you get really conscious while walking , i do too! But check this out , it is only happens with people i feel like almost inferior to like maybe attractive men or not so attractive ones yelling from their car seats. Or like when i am walking and there is a lot of cars and i feel really stared at when i know they are probably not looking any ways. And my legs do this weird thing where they stop working a lot together almost and i am like dragging my legs and i am so awkward because i am so anxious. About also nothing really. If you see the situation from outside. Because we might be so internally conflicted. I hope that explains it right.
@FruityloveBubbles11 Thank you! I know what you mean. That weird feeling of being stared at causes you to pay way too much attention to walking, a task that is supposed to go automatically so when you are too conscious of it you're bound to make some mistake. The only remedy for this that I know of(except for therapy) is simply distracting your brain or thinking about something else. The more attention you pay to walking the more you get awkward while doing so, diverting attention can help. I just listen to music or practice mindfulness and pay attention to the things around me.
Happy Holidays!
@Cheeney
Happy Holidays!
this is awesome! i have a lot of similar avoidance behaviors and social anxiety. i am trying to work on automatic negative thought tracking. it helps me to label/define them like "everyone is talking about me" is called mindreading. I remind myself I have no evidence for that; it's an assumption. Another common one for me is catastrophizing such as "I said something wrong; my friend will hate me forever." I tell myself STOP when I catch myself thinking it.
@skinicki That's great! You're absolutely right, once you recognize where the thoughts come from you can name them and you'll start to see patterns. One of the most important things I've learned is to take your thoughts with a grain of salt. Often thoughts are the reproduction of past events and feelings and will reoccur time and time again. (e.g someone who has been bullied a lot will have reoccuring negative thoughts about themselves) We don't usually notice them, but everyone has these thoughts in one way or another. You're doing a great job seeing your patterns and stopping them when you can!
Thank you for an awesome post! I've suffered from social anxiety since I was a kid tbh, and even though it's under control now there are still times it gets the best of me. It's a big struggle when you're an extrovert with social anxiety: I need to be around people to charge myself but when my anxiety goes up, I can't be around people without freaking out.
One thing I do a lot to overcome is putting myself in the situations where I want to participate but my anxiety is pulling me back from. In my case I doubt social anxiety will ever go away but by forcing myself to be in that event I want to go and to focus on enjoying it have been working. I can make presentations, I went to a dinner with professors and guest professors to present my classmates, I'm working as a waiter. I do get panic attacks still, but through the years there have been fewer and fewer with every event. Exposure is really what works with anxiety.
@bubbleCoconut8553 You're welcome :) Wow, you have done so much! It's really inspiring that you are able to do all these things, even working as a waiter. I understand it still must be hard at times. I believe social anxiety can go away eventually but I don't think that should be the goal when treating. If you set that as a goal, chances are in the end you're going to be disappointed with yourself for still having anxiety even though you are doing an awesome job in handling it. The goal should be being able to deal with your anxiety in a healthy manner, and it sounds like you've found a perfect way to do just that.
Good post.
What I might add as a tip is:
- try to be less self aware, focus your attention outside yourself
@SaturdaysChild Thanks! I agree with your tip. Self awareness is great when it comes to thoughts and emotions (eg finding thought patterns) but it's unnecessary in physical terms. For example when you're very conscious of the way you walk you're giving way too much attention to a task that is supposed to go fully automatic, therefore making it harder than it should be. Also, it's just a shame not to pay attention to the world around you, it really is a beautiful place if you look long enough.
@Cheeney
No I mean it little differently. Social anxiety IS self-consciousness. What you described in your post is ideal situation when you can exactly point on problematic thoughts, but sometimes you are not able to do that, sometimes you can't really put a finger on why are you anxious and then you can take a shortcut by targeting self-consciousness directly (although it is not a permanent solution and in the long run targeting cognitive distortions is always better – but it is an option). They think I am stupid They think I walk weirdly = this is self-consciousness, because you consciously try to correct your weirdness and that is what creates anxiety. Distorted thoughts create self-consciousness and in turn self-consciousness creates anxiety. When you target thoughts you are attacking the core, when you target self-consciousness you are attacking the surface. Eg. let's say that you would be drunk walking down the street. Most likely you wouldnt be anxious since you wouldnt be thinking about these things. (I'm not condoning substance abuse or anything I'm just using it as an example/btw many adults suffering from social anxiety suffer from substance abuse because it alleviates symptoms). Alcohol didnt solve your cognitive dilemmas, it just made you think less. So just by focusing your attention outside, away from distorted thoughts you can help yourself greatly. Dont overthink :)
(hopefully it makes sense…)
@SaturdaysChild Ah, I see now. That makes sense. It's true, when doing this you're treating the symptoms of anxiety and not the root, though that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Like you said, sometimes you can't figure out the root and even if you can it doesn't always go the way you want it to. Things take time. What you described is perfect for dealing with anxiety in that time. Bringing consciousness into the world and outside of yourself will help immensely in more ways than one. A brilliant way to do this is just turning up the volume to your music. Or letting your imagination run wild whilst travelling. Paying close attention to people's faces and trying to discover things about them (this is really fun)
@Cheeney yep :) right now also mindfulness and meditation, both modern things in the western world :)