Nervous about trying to make new friends
I have not attempted to make new friends since I left high school mid-way through my second year (I am now 33). I have always been socially anxious, worried about how others view me, as negative opinions hit hard and I find myself becoming very emotional over the smallest things even if I've only percieved them as bad when they weren't. Communication isn't my greatest skill, as much as I love talking to and learning about others, I get pushy about myself (my wants and opinions) and dissect everything that both I and the person I'm talking to say and try to read deeply into all of it.
I'm nervous that people will, as they have in the past, look at me and my anxieties and situation and think poorly of me and simply walk away. Or I'm afraid that people will look at what I say and decide not to even attempt to speak to me in the first place because of who I am. I'm hoping to get over this, and to become a person that I would like to be friends with, along with many other improvements.
Step one is trying, and that's where I'm at.
I hope everyone who passes by this thread is getting along well today. Take care
-Spirits
@SeptemberSpirits
Hi! So step one is trying as you said and it is great that you are trying. Sometimes we are our worst critics, so we are the first ones who should give ourselves an opportunity and it seems like that is what you are doing. It is normal to be afraid, but you can overcome that fear... just a baby step can be enough to start a conversation or find a new friend or even someone to talk to.
I wish you the best :)
@ESTEF
Thank you!
I am looking forward to have more people to talk to at the very least. I hope you're doing well tonight
@ESTEF
Hi! I think breathing exercises can help to calm your mind and relax your body. I do breathing exercises and I do some mindful exercises that calms me down when I have anxiety. I think my anxiety is getting better compared to before. Any of you guys have anxiety? leave a comment
@SeptemberSpirits I know exactly how you feel. I also struggle with making friends, and just generally think that everyone hates me too.
@passionateApricot39
That's how I've felt for a good chunk of my life. It's rough and really scary to attempt to talk to new people, even in a place where you're told most everyone will be accepting.
I'm happy that you felt you could add to my topic.
How are you doing?
@SeptemberSpirits Im OK pretty stressed about work as it's not going great right now. I also alienated a couple of friends with my strange behaviour. But thinking about going for a run to make myself feel better. I do normaly put myself out there but I always feel awefull afterwards and feel like a idiot. I just always say really awkward things and put people off. Unfortunately my anxiety manifests itself in talking to much, and wiered eye contact. Also I recently developed a fun little tick where my eyes become really wide randomly, it's so embarrassing and I don't even know I'm doing it. My husband says that my social interactions are fine, however I think he's just saying it to be nice.
@SeptemberSpirits Also how are you?
HI there! Its nice to meet you!
I deal with the exact same thing! I understand how you're feeling, its so hard to make friends when I you are constantly thinking about if people are judging you negatively. You seem so nice! One thing thats helped me at least with this is my stepdad saying "When you meet someone or see someone across a room, do negative thoughts like "shes so fat, awkward, stupid" run through your own mind?"' I'd say no and he would reassure me that most quality people are not thinking that about me either. I don't always believe this, but it does help
@TheTwelfthSign That's a really good tip. I will give that a go. Thank you.
@SeptemberSpirits
Hi September! I am in the exact same boat as you! I am going to start off small and try to join an online book club and see if that will help me with my fears about. Have you heard about the app Meetup? It connects you to locals in your area for online events (since COVID) and local meet up spots to join group activities with people of similar interests. Unfortunately for me, I cannot really do groups that well so I thought I might actually try downloading Bumble BFF.
@akay06 I have never heard of bumble BFF. That sounds really cool, I think I will give that a go. A book club also sounds really fun.
@passionateApricot39
I... don't actually recall writing "bumble bff" or even having heard of it, so you might not want to try that. I'm a bit freaked out and not certain of what to do on how to report that it seems my post was edited by someone else?
@passionateApricot39
Double post, sorry, I am very tired and misread someone else's post as my own because I am very awkward.
@SeptemberSpirits I do that all the time. I am constantly misrerading stuff, so I completely understand.
Alright, I feel like I was very heavily disassociating this morning when I attempted to read to and reply to this thread, so now that I'm doing a bit better I'm going to try again!
@passionateApricot39
I know exactly what you mean. I get really chatty/pushy and then feel entirely moronic afterward like "You dumb dumb they did not want to know any of that, good luck getting them to talk to you again!"
I've had a few little things I do pointed out to me as well- for instance I'll constantly hold onto one of my shoulders, and I do my very best to avoid eye contact by either glancing away often or watching someone's mouth instead to pretend I'm making eye contact. I've had experiences with widenening my eyes, but usually it's to the point where I can literally feel it because at the time I'm typically already quite exhausted or manic at the moment already. I don't have much of an opportunity to meet people in person (even before Covid), but I'm used to rejection even on the internet, from oversharing and not being the kind of person people generally want to spend their time with because I can be such a downer.
I'm happy to hear that your husband is supportive of you, and I don't think it sounds all that weird myself, so now you have two people at least!
As for how I'm doing, apart from apparently not even realizing I was in the midst of an episode earlier today, I'm having a lot of ups and downs as I strap myself in for the emotional roller coaster of no longer clinging desperately to insecurities and beginning to force myself to get professional help dealing with them. I was fine with them when it was "just me" but after seeing my only friend going through it and desperately hoping to see him get help so he wouldn't hurt I started realizing I was worth doing the same. Entirely terrified of facing all the dark thoughts constantly haunting me, but... Here we go, right?
Since this is a "finding new friends" thread, I don't feel like it's out of reach to ask what kind of things you enjoy doing to see if we have anything in common.
@TheTwelfthSign
Thank you! I'd like to think that I am nice, especially when my friend tells me so, but I also feel like I'm clingy, overbearing and stupid. It's very difficult to get past things like that when I've felt them more or less constantly since I was 10. Yay for being the "quiet behaved child" who was actually the "Terrified everyone will judge her poorly for having different interests child" right? It's gotten pretty exhausting to the point where it's literally taken over my life to the point where I won't try anything new, and if I'm not good at it I never will be and walk away. Definitely taking steps to stop feeling so worthless, which I hope will make it easier to present myself to new friends without feeling like I'm just taking up their time.
How are you doing?
@akay06
Hello!
I hope you're not thinking me too crazy after I managed to misread your message as my own earlier. I don't know where my brain actually was, but it was just skipping over your username and telling me "You didn't write that, or if you did, it wasn't conscious. Or maybe you were hacked! Smiley face!"
It was very much accompanied by a wave of dizziness and a quick step away from the situation after I realized that it wasn't my post after all. Probably biting off a bit more than I can chew right now and super nervous leading me to misreading things.
I haven't heard of MeetUp or Bumble BFF, so I might take a look into them. I think meeting some people who are a bit more local might do me a little bit of good, while also scaring me completely out of my zonked little brain.
How has your day been?
@SeptemberSpirits
I'm doing as well as I can! I've had a really stressful say but its okay. Its really hard dealing with the negative self talk. I really understand how you feel.
@TheTwelfthSign
It's a constant struggle that I'm working to squish down until it's a lot quieter. I know it's too much to hope for it to go away since it's rooted so deep, but I can definitely squish it.
I hope your day gets better and that tomorrow is even better still! If there's anything you want to talk about, you can tell me
@SeptemberSpirits Hi yes I think I'm also a downer and over share it's like a impulse I have to keep under check and don't always manage to. I know how to pretend to be normal but I just sometimes have a little voice in my head that says whatever, and I let it all out, this never works out well. I wonder if there is a way to make it go away I guess people suggest mindfullness and stuff like that, I have been wondering if I should get some medication, I would love for there to be a pill to make it all go away. Its so nice to hear that there are other people out there like me though, it really helps. Also on a lighter note, I love TV and I watch Buffy to make myself feel better. I also love nature and going for walks and runs in the forrest and swimming. I live in an Archipelago where there is a lot of forrest and sea. There are beavers in a lake close to my house and I really like to watch those guys swim around. I love animals and have contacted animal shelters to do some volunteer work. I hope that works out. How about you?
@passionateApricot39
Yes, especially after a bad day the "Whatever" voice comes to the top and makes me stop caring. I would absolutely love a magic pill to make it stop, but since that is unfortunately a thing that doesn't exist, I would take a handful of friends that understand me, unpleasant quirks and all, and who I can love back the same way. I've never had that either, so it sounds like just as much of a fairytale as a magic pill. One close friend is all I've ever managed to keep and he, at least, is the accepting kind (I've had all my kinds of break downs in front of him) and it only seems to help us understand each other more. The painful part of this is that I'm in the US and he's in the UK, so I often feel pretty lonely.
Mindfulness is definitely a good step, but I think it's hard for other people to realize that pointedly being mindful is, at start at least, just as exhausting (if not more) than just existing how you are.
I'm not the biggest fan of TV, I tend to mainly use it for anime and Paranormal shows. I've seen Buffy, but only a handful of episodes at a friend's house, since it aired when I was a kid and mom was afraid of vampires so I wasn't allowed to watch it at home. I did enjoy the bit I saw (I particularly liked Spike, I think).
I do also love going on nature walks, but my asthma's gotten to the point where I have to wear a mask outside (even Pre-Covid, so the whole mask thing is already so old hat to me) to keep being able to breathe. Plus getting to the nature isn't easy, since I live pretty deep in a little suburb and can't drive (massive fear/anxiety and absolutely zero peripheral/side vision in my left/driver side eye). So since I can't get out to it, I usually will make due with looking at photos or watching video and daydreaming about being in it myself.
When I'm feeling down I tend to like to listen to music or just sleep it off. I can't bring myself to associate my favorite shows and subjects to my poor mood, since I am very, very bad about associating one thing to another ( "If I felt bad when I saw this episode, I may automatically feel bad when I see it again and/or it'll bring up the memory of what made me feel bad" ) so I try to keep it wrapped up in as tight of a little package as possible and listen to either really gloomy or really bright music.
How are you doing today? Anything exciting happen? Anything bad, annoying or upsetting you just want to get off your chest?
@SeptemberSpirits
Hello, that sounds really rough and scary. However, I think watching nature documentaries is a cool idea. I have been watching Secret Life of the Zoo which is very good, I would highly recommend it. Also, today I went for a run and then started to watch DIY videos online which was fun. Im an IT consultant on furlough atm, there is nothing for me to do as no one is highering consultants. Also, I am the main breadwinner so Im pretty nervous about that. I should use this time to be productive and skill up, but I have been really bad at doing that so far, well no time like the present I guess I should start now. Also, how are you today?
hello! first of all, i'm glad you're trying! trying to make some new friends and get over fears in social situations is a goal of mine as well. the idea of attempting to talk to people is definitely scary, especially when you feel like everyone just hates and judges you, and doesn't enjoy your company, but i guess it's all about baby steps. i sometimes try to keep myself calm in social situations by thinking that most people usually just think about themselves instead of focusing on what others look like for example. communication is surely hard, it feels like at one point i'm oversharing and saying way too much, and next i get quiet and regret ever opening my mouth + get flooded with anxiety, what if no one was interesting in hearing that etc.
you seem like a very nice person, so i wish you the best 
@sinclair
Thank you!
Once social interactions start to become more of a norm again, I'm hoping to start convincing myself to try to get into a few social circles as well, or at least a hobby out of the house. But for now, chatting here is a good baby step. Soon enough I hope to convince myself to branch out to 'regular' forums and such.
Good luck to you too!
How are you?
Hi, if you want concrete advice, the book How to be Yourself did the trick for me. I wasted years learning about psychology, but in the end it was this simple self help book that opened the door for me.
There are some mental habits that people like you and me tend to take on by mistake. But they can be unlearned. The book tells you how to do this exactly.
Socializing is a numbers game. The more time you spend the better you get at it, the more people you meet the higher chance of meeting someone that fits you. Its going to suck at first but it can only get better!
@sympatheticKitten8138
Thank you!
I'll have to take a look around for it.
How are you?
@SeptemberSpirits
Hi, Im feeling great, thanks.
Its super hot where I live (Japan! XD), but I love that I can go outside in shorts and flip flops. How is it like where you live? :D
@sympatheticKitten8138
I'm in Georgia in the US. Super hot here too! I'm steadily getting accustomed to wearing shorts (I've been self conscious about my legs and how overweight I am), but I also mostly stay indoors so I have my own personal climate control. Lots of storms too! We've just had a really big one tonight that shut our power off for a fraction of a second (normally even in bad ones our power doesn't even flicker much)!
Scared our poor pets, but they recovered quickly!
Been up to much lately?