How to connect, get past chit-chat
I work full-time and volunteer for a social justice group. Beyond that, I want to find a church congregation I can fit in with but I get impatient with small talk, chit-chat. Anyone have strategies that have worked for you to get beyond the shallows with a new group who you connect with on an intellectual level and want to get to like personally?
Wow, you seem like such an amazing and dedicated person! 
Unfortunately, you do have to start out with basic chit-chat! However, as you learn to get to know them and spend more time with them, it'll be easier to have more intellectual and deeper conversations. How long have you know them for? If you don't already, possibly asking them if they have a social media handle or for their number can help so you can get to know them better that way as well 
@Emily619
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and honest reply.
@oakhenge
You're welcome, anytime!
Yes, in my opinion you can do that by using active listening skills.
If you want to avoid chat-chat, then you only have to lead by example and avoid chit-chat. Move straight past any chit-chat to an open question about something more interesting. But if you take that responsibility upon yourself, you have to live up to it by really listening to what people say and trying hard to understand them. You'll quickly get a reputation for being serious and friendly.
The key skills are being able to listen without judging, to remember what people say to you, and to demonstrate you value what they said by repeating it back to them with warmth. You asked for strategies that have worked for us—these strategies have worked for me ever since I came across them.
To learn active listening skills, one way is to pretend you want to be a listener here, and sign up for the free training. After you get the training you don't owe us anything and you don't have to do any listening here. The training here isn't very good, it's sad to say, but it's a start, and there are are plenty of other active listening resources on the Internet, too.
@oakhenge
@RarelyCharlie
Additionally, RarelyCharlie (does that handle mean that you are "always" someone else?) listening is challenging for me because I have to insure that my personal boundaries are up high and strong because, as an empath, I have a tendency to fall into others emotions. This does me no good, caring too deeply. Alert to that, maybe I can create a checklist for listening that cares but does not abandon the ship!
Exactly right. I am almost always someone else, and only rarely Charlie.
I'm impressed. You really are an empath 
I hope your first chat goes well!
@oakhenge
@RarelyCharlie
Wow - my first chat was. . .too easy? 
She just wanted to talk "about nothing". It was a great conversation - me listening deeply and letting her know when I needed to end it for this day.
I'm really pleased for you. They won't all be as easy as that 
@oakhenge
@RarelyCharlie
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and helpful reply. I've been toying with the 7cups listener opportunity and it just might help me. Will seriously think about it the rest of this week.
@oakhenge Use the chit-chat phase to find out something that the other person is interested in. It could be their career, or their kids / family, or hobbies they may have. Then ask a few leading questions about whatever it is. And listen with genuine interest.
I'm kind of like you in that I struggle with mundane conversation, but when I can accomplish the above, oftentimes the other person will do most of the conversational work for me. The other day I had a flight delayed and started talking to the lady next to me in the waiting area. She was actually on a long East Coast tour for work, and was happy to tell me all about it to make the time go by. All I had to do was throw in a few questions ("Oh, have you ever been to $city before?") and the occasional, "Wow, cool." here and there.
With a little kickstart and sincere interest in others, I find it possible to have fun, deep-ish conversations without a lot of emotional labor. And it's not something that ever came naturally to me, either.
I love that this place is anonymous if you choose to be because it helps drop our defenses a bit. It is so intimidating for some people to talk about their most intimate secrets to anyone, let alone a stranger. I ususally state in my first few sentences that they can talk about whatever they are comfortable with and there is no obligation answer any question I have. This post is great because I think it helps me remember to be a better listener. <3 thank you for your post!