Hopeless
I have decided. There is nothing that can help me. I am a lôst cause. I am hôpeless. I am unhelpable and even the most well meaning people will eventually abandon me. I am just a sad perverted idiot and I do not want to help myself anymore. I cant help myself so I cannot accept any help. Ive tried it, ive reached out, NOBODY CAN HELP ME SINCE I WILL NOT HELP MYSELF. I am literally hôpeless. I just want to stay the victim I have always been my whole life. I am gîving up on myself and feel the desire to intentionally ruin my life.
This is why I have to ask. Is there any valid reasôn to stay? Because I want to make a plan to end ît quickly and painlessly in case all else fails. Everybody keeps yelling at me that suîcide is NEVER a solution but given my circumstances I know theyre wrong. I cannot be helped and people are wasting their time with me. Oh and one last thing. I am *_NOT_* depressed. The fact that I wont go through with suîcide if I do not find a quick and painless way only proves it! I just feel i want to do it because im a sad helpless fool. If I wont have the guts to go through with it ill just live a miserable life until perhaps smth will change OR I will just overhwelmingly burden everyone around me with my problems until they all abandon me and get tired of me. I know I will probably regret writing this extremely cringe-worthy post, especially since my mood swings will prolly make me feel euphoric by tomorrow, but still. This is how Ive been feeling. It's all lost. And over. I am lost and over. And I swear to God life is the equivalent of suffering and pain.
@Xhadaronn does this mean you feel like you're existing rather than living? I'm sorry to hear you're going through such emotional pain. It's not fair on you.
Please know that you're not a lost cause. You have every right to be happy. Let us help you.
@Jem7Cups No, that's not what I meant; I don't buy much of this new age philosophy and "living instead of be lived" bs. Sorry for being this blunt, though. Thanks for being understanding, but i was right, my mood swings made it all all right and then i went back to feeling bad and thus continues the endless cycle. I guess i can believe rn that i might just not be a lost cause, though... even though im still pretty angry and confused. im not even sure angry is the correct word, its more like frustrated
@Xhadaronn
Hopeless , worthless , meaningless , thoughts like these do go through many peoples minds , and feel deeply about these things, This system that we live in is in chaotic , however all is not lost , Know that there is a hope for all mankind, there is an explanation of why things are the way they are with ourselves and everything around us. I can promise you that if you take the time and look into it , you will feel better , the feelings may not dissapear , however we will be able to cope with our feelings and with all the events around us a lot better, It helps me tramendously and many others that I personnally know. Keep your head up , and push yourself to find something posative to think about , do something nice for someone , these things will help you also , however , it wll not be easy , but the days you win the fight ,,, be happy and proud of yourself.
*edited by forum mentor @rebecca947 to remove religious promotion*
@Observantone you clearly dont get it, do you? and thats the problem, nobody does. its not about having a tough fight, it's about not wanting TO fight anymore. im way better, but at times i have to shamelessly admit that i just dont feel like putting in any effort. i just dont. it doesnt matter if the cause is fear or laziness. i hate it with every fiber of my being when people tell me i have to go through hell in order to get better and then act like it's normal and not the absolute suffering i try to desperately avoid. and then blame me for being like this. whatever
Man you sound like you're feeling a great deal of sadness. I'm really sorry your life feels so shitty right now. When I'm deep in depresssion it feels like I'm in a pitch black maze and I don't know the way out. A valid reason to live. That's hard to answer... only you can find an answer that personally makes sense for you. I do know that the treatment of mental health is always getting better and better. Shouldn't you stick around to see if something works for you? Have you tried talking to a therapist in the past? Your situation sounds pretty difficult and would benefit from someone with experience.
@mikeveee Thanks, even though the "only you can answer that" is probably the most discouraging thing there is. No, i can't. i can't answer that either, or at least not yet. But i suppose nobody gets it so this might not make any sense to you. I guess the thought of sticking around to maybe find something thatll make life worth it is pretty decent. in the end i have nothing to lose, well all die soon and it wont matter in the end, so why go earlier. i cant guarantee i wont think about it when it all gets too much, but yeah. As for the therapist thing, it does help. and yeah, definitely difficult, thanks for being judgement free.
@Xhadaronn
Thinking on it more, I don't think "the reason to live" has to be some deep, philosophical reason. As a matter of fact, thinking too deep on it might be counter productive. It can just be a list of things like "cuz lasangna taste good!" "cuz I want to play cyberpunk 2077" things like that. Maybe ask a therapist or do research on Ketamine Infused Therapy. It's a psychedelic/disassociative drug taken in a clinic environment that sounds very promising. I'm personally interested in it myself.
@mikeveee Yeah, ive realised its best when i just savour the things i like; when i start thinknig about some deeper fundemental meaning it all becomes worse. But its not that, i was more looking for something to compensate for all the negativity, something to be "worth it". I guess life is full of uncertaintiy, which both makes me ecstatic and low. Also, sorry, but i dont do drugs and would have no idea how to get them even if i wanted to, but thank you for your responses!
@Xhadaronn Yah I don't do any real drugs either. Ketamine I guess is most known as a party drug but that's not what I'm talking about here. It's basically a doctor's visit. You make an appointment and a psychiatrist will administer a dose of Ketamine with an IV or by lozenge. You chill in a reclined chair for an hour with a blindfold and earmuffs and you just let your mind go on a journey. After the session you talk to a therapist to integrate the new found perspective. I've been wanting to try it out. "Mindbloom" is one company that does it in NY and LA but you may find other ones. Unfortunately, I believe this type of therapy is still pretty new to us so it might be hard to find.
@mikeveee
It's impossible, not hard to find, at least where I live.
@Xhadaronn
I feel a pain similar to that which you describe. Mine may not be as severe, mine may be worse, that's not why I write though. I just, literally moments ago, was searching for alternative treatments for depression and Ketamine was one that was mentioned on some of the pages I visited. There were other drugs as well, some I've heard of others I had not and Ketamine was one of the "had nots". I've tried a whole laundry list of anti-deppressants through the years and I still haven't found anything that gives me relief. I've also spent countless hours in "therapy" trying to explain what it is that I feel to someone who only has 45-50 minutes, usually bi-weekly or even further apart appointments, to listen and suggest actions I might take to help me feel "better". For me, it hasn't been of great benefit to anyone except the facilities and the professionals who were paid to "help" me with my problems. All I had to show for their solutions was many empty medicine vials and even more claims to file for consideration by my insurance company, who decided that many of those were not ones they would pay. It's very frustrating how it costs so much and takes so long only to be told, "Well, since that doesn't seem to be working, let's try this next." Auggh!! I'm tired of feeling like a science fair project. This is my life and I abhor it most times. Feeling so alone is a horrible, terrible feeling that no drug and no therapist has ever been able to give me comfort from yet and every day yet ets to be a little shorter path to travel.Try looking for psychedelic mental health treatment options if you'd like more info about Ketamine. That's how I found it. Sorry to steal your spotlight but it's all back to you now.
@forko23 Hold up there... What?
No, I just told people very clearly that I was not depressed. I do not understand. Why is it so difficult for people to separate ordinary suffering from mental illnesses? If I feel that way at times doesnt mean Im depressed. Have never been diagnosed with it and I have no intention diagnose myself so online...
And frankly, what you describe about therapy is pretty relatable in that at times Im not so sure either a regular human being could ever help, especially with limitations like giving me less than an hour, spaced out appointments, super expensive ones at that. But I suppose it does come in handy. And i dont really have other alternatives anyway!
I have thought about using psychedelics when I was younger but ppl around got mad because that wouldve meant choosing the "easy way out" and they said it wouldnt have been safe, which I suppose they were basically right about! Even IF I thought drugs were the right thing to do, I wouldnt be able to get them.
Also what struck me is "sorry for stealing the spotlight but its all dark for you now". What does that even mean?
@Xhadaronn hey, im sorry to hear about whats going on in your life, its very relateable, i didnt realize how bad it could be for someone else. I thought i was the only one. So with that said, there is a very powerful spiritual technique on the Power of Surrender, i think it could really benefit you. With surrender, its not like you have to let things attach to you that are negative, nor do you really have to "change" in the traditional sense meaning get up and go do something. It's more of an internal forgiveness / letting go of situations, and that alone creates the space needed for change to happen naturally. Try it out sometime, it doesnt have to be a full blown surrender, just contemplate the idea of it. Hope this helps.. Also not sure if you are familiar with buddhism, but the first noble truth it "life is suffering"
Again im sorry you feel this way..
@peachStrings341 I suppose the reason im stuck is that i've basically tried everything and nothing works. This "letting go" that people tell me about is all the more frustrating simply because they expect me to "let go", but then also say I'm lazy if I just start lying around and do nothing. Then of course they get mad at me and say "well, letting go doesn't mean not doing anything you dumbass, it's about accepting what you can't control and changing what you can e.i. yourself how come you haven't realised it it's so obvious duuh" (paraphrasing of course) and there's nothing that pisses me off more than this. Yes, "surrendering", I suspect even by definition, means giving up and doing nothing, and I don't want to burn all my neurons trying to find a "HeAlThY bAlAnCe" between working but also "surrendering". it's either one or the other, i can't do both. And yeah, Buddhism just confirms how worthless life is overall. I don't really care about all these spiritual things people keep talking about, because in the end, to me, they are nothing but a huge pressure to do what I hate or what I am afraid of, under the excuse of "gRoWiNg", making me feel guilty for comfort. But you know what? I don't think comfort is anything to be ashamed of and I don't know why you'd give it up. You've been extremely understanding with your post and I deeply appreciate it - I've just told my viewpoint on these subjects that I have already looked into in the past. Many people would give up on me and say I have a problem for every solution - which they might be right -, but this is simply how I see it. If I had been able to find a solution I wouldn't even speak to people about all this. It's like losing something and then asking someone for help in finding it and then they literally search in the EXACT same places you've already searched in and found nothing; and you tell them this and get mad. I know these replies seem pretty depressed, but I must say I'm overall way better than when I first wrote that post - I just know feeling better doesn't mean the whole underlying problems are solved on the long run, THAT is why I choose to write things like above, seemingly drowning in negativity, even though my mood is lifted and positive. I just can't wait anymore for the next time I feel low to come in order to talk about my problems, just because I'm in a happy mood I don't wanna ruin. Yes, I feel fine - that doesn't mean I don't have issues or that I need to ignore them.