Anxious Loner, family in town
Over the course of my life I've slowly been weaning myself of human contact. I've never been one to make friends, instead I fall into friendships. Falling into friendship worked when I was young and involved in a lot of things, but as my life dragged on, I found adult friendship too daunting. So, I got out of practice doing normal things like: games nights, having family over, group exercise, conversation, eating with others etc. Here's what I'm struggling with now. My family's in town. They love me, I love them, it shouldn't be hard, but it is.
My spouse, my person, is out of town. It's just me entertaining my own family, and guys, I am so in my head. I am worried about what I am saying that could be construed as personal remarks or judgement. I am worried that what they say is a criticism or slight at me. My brain won't leave me alone. Before you ask I am getting enough sleep and food, but not as much alone time as I'm used too. I have trouble asking for accomodations or taking what I need. When a family member is available to hang, I feel as if I should make myself available. If a family member is doing chores or helping out I feel that I should also be working.
Part of the problem is that I am hurting right now, something happened in my life that I have no idea how to feel about or deal with and I need time to process. How do I ask for alone time when I need it? I feel so guilty.
My main trigger is whispery or half heard voices. My brain will turn that shit into the most piercing criticisms it can imagine. When I'm alone in my house and I hear voices I can't quite discern I just shut the window or turn on music, but the voices are my own loving family, in my house, what can I do? I know it isn't likely they are talking about me, but they are my family, so...maybe. To compound upon this issue, one of my parents is incredbily invested in my emotional, mental, and physical state of wellness, they have been my entire life. There are some enmeshment issue for sure. So when I hear them talking in the other room, it doesn't seem to matter how hard I focus on thinking "They're just going over details of daily life stuff." I think my emotionally attached parent is worrying about me.
This emo-parent has been highly volatile in the past. I think part of me thinks that it is my job to maintain their emotional equilibrium. There's the crux of the problem: I'm trying to deal with my own stuff, and also manage emo-parent.
To long didn't read . . . I lack practice "peopling," my family is in town, I'm going through my own stuff, I'm worried my parent is going to read into everything I do or say and gossip about me.
Wow, that feels good to get out.
@cobwebby
I had to respond to this. First - finding time alone. GRAB IT. It's not selfish and you shouldn't feel guilty. When I get together with my family (it's a large family) it is extremely overwhelming after a while I it feels good to grab a quiet corner. Take a long shower, even if you do nothing more than stand there. Tell them you have to run an errand and just go for a drive.
Second - hearing quiet voices in the house.... UGH. I know EXACTLY what that feels like. Although here it's the reverse of you. I'm the parent to a teenager and whenever I hear my teen speaking quietly in his room, I get nauseous wondering if he's talking about serious issues with friends, or keeping secrets, or feeling bad. I will turn the TV up or put headphones on because otherwise it will just freak me out and I'll think about every bad thing that might be going on.
As the parent, it's really hard to not be emotionally invested in your child's wellbeing, especially as the child becomes an adult. This is a struggle I have - wanting to help/rescue/care/protect. But I know that's not going to really help my child become an adult if I do everything for him to keep him "safe." Sometimes parents just can't let go of that feeling that they need to take control and take care of their child. And sometimes parents don't feel happy unless they know their child is happy. (Something I struggle with)
Find your quiet moments when you can right now, spend time with your family while still not overwhelming yourself. Maybe choose an activtity that could be quiet and calming that you'd enjoy.
@thoughtfulmomma
Thank you for responding. It's nice to feel heard, and it helps hearing your perspective. I plan on taking your advice tomorrow and going to do something by myself, not feeling guilty and doing that would be a big win, and hopefully the start of a long term pattern. Today I was able to enjoy a quiet activity with the fam and listen to music which always calms me down.
I'm still have trouble with hearing all the little half voices, but I keep telling myself I'm not that interesting and nobody could dicuss me for long. I've had issues with people actually being unkind about me without knowing I was in hearing range, and it has stuck with me for a long time. A counselor once agreed with me that I was thin-skinned, and I wish it weren't true, but here I am. Hopefully, tomorrow I will like me enough, that it just won't matter what anyone else could possibly say.
Thanks again
@cobwebby
I think sometimes we all need to create our own little quiet voices in our head to tell us that we're good enough, and we're going to be okay. It's nice when we have people to talk to (like here on 7 Cups), but sometimes we have to be our own champions.
I hope you have a calm, wonderful day today. If you are in to podcasts, I recommend listening to Tara Brach. She's lovely and peaceful to listen to, whatever she happens to be talking about. She just did a two part podcast on Facing Fear - it was so good!