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cobwebby
176 M Embraced 1
PathStep 26 Compassion hearts8 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2020 Member sinceOctober 13, 2019
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Anxious Loner, family in town
Anxiety Support / by cobwebby
Last post
 March 11th, 2020
...See more Over the course of my life I've slowly been weaning myself of human contact. I've never been one to make friends, instead I fall into friendships. Falling into friendship worked when I was young and involved in a lot of things, but as my life dragged on, I found adult friendship too daunting. So, I got out of practice doing normal things like: games nights, having family over, group exercise, conversation, eating with others etc. Here's what I'm struggling with now. My family's in town. They love me, I love them, it shouldn't be hard, but it is. My spouse, my person, is out of town. It's just me entertaining my own family, and guys, I am so in my head. I am worried about what I am saying that could be construed as personal remarks or judgement. I am worried that what they say is a criticism or slight at me. My brain won't leave me alone. Before you ask I am getting enough sleep and food, but not as much alone time as I'm used too. I have trouble asking for accomodations or taking what I need. When a family member is available to hang, I feel as if I should make myself available. If a family member is doing chores or helping out I feel that I should also be working. Part of the problem is that I am hurting right now, something happened in my life that I have no idea how to feel about or deal with and I need time to process. How do I ask for alone time when I need it? I feel so guilty. My main trigger is whispery or half heard voices. My brain will turn that shit into the most piercing criticisms it can imagine. When I'm alone in my house and I hear voices I can't quite discern I just shut the window or turn on music, but the voices are my own loving family, in my house, what can I do? I know it isn't likely they are talking about me, but they are my family, so...maybe. To compound upon this issue, one of my parents is incredbily invested in my emotional, mental, and physical state of wellness, they have been my entire life. There are some enmeshment issue for sure. So when I hear them talking in the other room, it doesn't seem to matter how hard I focus on thinking "They're just going over details of daily life stuff." I think my emotionally attached parent is worrying about me. This emo-parent has been highly volatile in the past. I think part of me thinks that it is my job to maintain their emotional equilibrium. There's the crux of the problem: I'm trying to deal with my own stuff, and also manage emo-parent. To long didn't read . . . I lack practice "peopling," my family is in town, I'm going through my own stuff, I'm worried my parent is going to read into everything I do or say and gossip about me. Wow, that feels good to get out.
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