Advice Needed: I'm anxious, while my roommate has PTSD & depression

@kwheelz

Hi,

Hm, sounds like you're in a tough situation! Dealing with anxiety and wanting to be there for your friend - I'm so glad that you're reaching out and taking care of yourself

One of the things that I'm super curious about is how much you might have talked with your friend about her PTSD and Depression. Is this something you've discussed? Does she know her triggers? Is she able to cope with them? Once you're able to get a good understanding of where she's at and what her triggers might be you can be more careful to avoid them (if possible).

I think it's so important to know that even though you feel responsible, your intentions ARE good, and that's what makes it okay. I hope that you're not blaming yourself or feeling responsible for it, because even though it might have triggered your friend, it wasn't your fault and you didn't know.

That fact alone may help with your anxiety - it sounds like from your post you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be there for her and wearing so much responsibility.

The more that you learn, the more that it gets easier. I know my partner and I had a bit of trouble together with me finding out my triggers (not always knowing until after), but the more we understood them, the easier it was to navigate. It does get easier. Try to remember it's up to your friend to work on her own ways of coping and you to work on yours.

@romanticthi3f

My friend and I have an ongoing, ever-evolving discussion about her PTSD, depression, and triggers. She knows them pretty well (she's been actively working with a psychologist and psychiatrist, which I think helps) and has shared many of them with me. This openness has been very helpful. She even admitted I'd been doing really well in general until my big screw-up today. We talked about what happened and why she reacted the way she did so I understand. It's just that there's so much to remember, so many Do's and Don'ts, it can all be really overwhelming. I want to do better but I don't know how to meet her needs without neglecting my own, and vice versa.

She has coping mechanisms which I recognize and understand, but they can be off-putting. She'll leave without a word to go for a walk, take a shower, read a book, sing, etc. Whatever she needs to do to calm down. Sometimes she naps. Whatever she does, she often won't communicate with me until afterwards. So I'm left worrying the whole time, trying to figure out if I'm really the cause or if there's something else bothering her.

When she's upset with me, I feel like a horrible friend and a failure. But I dunno how to keep us both afloat all of the time, either.

@kwheelz

Hi!

It's great to hear that both you and your friend are communicating well! That's such a big key.

It sounds like too she's really aware of what her triggers are which is such a benefit - even if they do sound a bit overwhelming! Would you be willing to share what happened today? Just so I can get an idea of how it went down?

It's great to hear that she's working with her psychologist and psychiatrist. You mentioned that you've been talking a lot about her, but I'm wondering if you've talked about you - have you told her how this makes you feel? How you're wanting to support her but struggling with it? Perhaps there are ways she can meet you in the middle - i.e. letting you know she's going for a walk, keeping in touch, letting you know in advance what she needs/what you need.

You said too it causes you anxiety not knowing if you are the cause; but know that even if there was something you did that triggered her, that doesn't make you the cause. People with PTSD can be triggered by anything. That doesn't mean that anyone is at fault or responsible. She might even find that one day something that would normally trigger her doesn't, and the next day it does - it's completely dependent on her and how she's coping that day (either consciously or subconsciously). If you feel like you have to "do everything right" I feel like you'll just burnout. That's not helping anybody.

You've described so many things that make you a caring friend. You're mindful of what triggers her, you're offering support, you're patient - I think your friend is lucky to have you. I also think you need to keep reminding yourself of that. I don't see any evidence here of a horrible friend or a failure. I see someone who is incredibly caring but yet hard on themselves.

Be kind to yourself. It's a delicate balance.

@romanticthi3f

Thank you for your kind response, by the way! ❤

@kwheelz

and you're very welcome!