I’m too much
I don’t know how to stop feeling so much. It’s like anything anyone says I can take to heart in an instant. I’m really not good with criticism. It’s like I have to be perfect or I’m so mad at myself. My boyfriend tried to express that he wanted more time with me and feels as though I’m not as invested in him as I used to be. And although I mostly understood what he was trying to say and get I’ve had a lot happening lately, it’s like I snap and can’t be in the wrong. I don’t know how to fix this. Then I get so upset at myself and have a mental breakdown and feel crazy like I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore or how I got in that situation. I know I’m in the wrong but I can’t stop feeling like I need to be perfect or I’ll be mad at myself and think everyone else thinks the worst of me too because I do. It’s a constant battle. And I spend so much time trying to defend myself and arguing it that it hurts everyone else and then I realize what I’ve done in the moment from being so emotional I can’t control how I act. But then I get emotional after realizing what’s happened. I just wish I could stop being so hard on myself. Everything is a big thing to me and every little mistake is a big mistake in my head and I severely beat myself up for it. It’s the sole reason behind why I would self harm starting in middle school and still struggle on and off til this day. I don’t want to be this way anymore but I don’t know how to fix something that has been an issue for so long. I just wish I could turn my emotions off like I feel and think too much . Why am I like this??
@djhmbtr
I understand you may feel like under constant pressure of "all-or-nothing" game: either being perfect and feeling well (just for a while), or being not perfect, and totally losing control.
Was there anybody important at the beginning of your life who said you were not deserving any love, warmth or good words if you were not tip-top perfect?
You know, there might be some problem here, because people are usually NOT perfect...
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.
It really does feel like my emotions are out of control most of the time. It’s like I completely break down and then feel terrible later once I realize what’s happened and how irrational I’ve been.
And not really a particular instance that I can recall. My family life growing up was a little rough seeing as my dad seemed to have these issues where he lost it too and couldn’t control his emotions. His was more taken out in anger and throwing things though. But he never did anything to really hurt us or said anything like that to us. He just had a rough childhood as well and I think that caused his anger issues and being unable to control his emotions.
mine probably started a little in early middle school. I just started to not feel like I really fit in with anyone and then started to look down on myself and it escalated from there. There’s been many instances/mistakes I’ve made in my teen and early twenties that’s affected me a lot emotionally though and I think it’s enhanced these emotional problems that I have within myself and my negative views about myself.
@jacek73
@djhmbtr It sounds like you're at war with yourself. Because of the damage you inflict on yourself, your ego is damaged- so when you perceive that others perceive that you aren't perfect, that you did something wrong- you can't handle it. You get desperate to prove that you can be perfect. And then your reaction causes bigger problems in a hellish feedback loop because you are so afraid of being less than perfect, but the point that you are less than perfect keeps coming at you in the face. I think it's a problem of some very black and white thinking. It's perfection or failure. I think your goal should be finding peace in a realistic gray area- lol, I say it as if that is easy, but I know it's not. I also struggle with self-harm and spiraling because of black and white thinking and negative emotional feedback loops. You're not damaged or defective. Tell me: What does perfection mean to you? What would it look like in your life?
@determinedSea4370 Thank you for responding. It means a lot. Especially to know there’s more people out there who can relate and provide feedback. It helps knowing you’re not alone. It really is challenging being in that constant loop, and I’ve come to realize i definitely have a lot of negative thinking patterns. I’m trying to get out of that but it’s so hard when you’ve thought a certain way for so long and even more challenging when your emotions take over. I know it’s incredibly unrealistic, but with the way my brain thinks currently, perfection means not making mistakes ever
@djhmbtr If we thought realistically, I don't think either of us would struggle with self-harm lol. It's ok. It's good to be aware that certain ways of thinking aren't helping you and that you need to change- despite how hard making a change is. Are you in to fiction at all? A well-written character is a character with flaws- flaws are what drive the story forward. Flaws and mistakes help fuel desires toward greater good. If the character was already perfect, there would be no story for them. You don't have the potential to be perfect, rather, you have the potential to let your mistakes and flaws fuel your story toward a greater good for you. Keep thinking of yourself as a character for a moment- what are your strengths? If you think you are good for nothing, ask someone you trust what your strengths are. You have them- you are still alive despite the scars that you have. Take one strength and then focus on cultivating it. Don't try and be the best, just concentrate on cultivating it. Like this: One of my strengths is I am a deep thinker. I can cultivate that by reading philosophy, helping people like this online in depth, creating fun little slideshows about my ideas, doodling art inspired by those ideas, and trying to see the intersecting of ideas in my daily life. By doing this, I'm not trying to be the best. I'm just playing and feeding this strength in a multi-beneficial way. By taking an action to feed a strength of yours, you can take the focus away from your perceived mistakes/flaws/fear of failure and help you realize that you are a good worthy person who is worth not harming while also not being perfect. Just take it one day at a time. You are enough.
@determinedSea4370 making a change has been incredibly difficult for me especially after all these years of thinking a certain way, but it is something I want to do. I don’t always want to think so negatively about myself. It only causes myself and those around me pain. The fiction character advice really resonates with me. I’m an avid reader, but I never thought of life and the way I think of myself with this comparison. That’s something I’ll always remember now and will try and tell myself when I get into these highly emotional states when I feel I’m not in control. It’s hard sometimes to tell myself what my strengths are when I get so down on myself and sometimes feel as though I have none. However, my boyfriend says that I’m one of the sweetest/caring people he’s ever met and that I have an amazing work ethic. And I’m trying to take all of that in and truly believe it.
@djhmbtr
How it could work like if you tried to see human personality traits or behaviours not in absolute categories of "good" or "bad", but being on a continuum between extremes or more "yin-yang", I mean the opposites that cannot live without each other?
For example, you can be either very tall or very short, but most people are somewhere between. And there is nothing very bad in being tall or short.
Or: the same behaviour can be called assertive by one person, and self-centred or selfish by another. Also, you might be a good worker from the organizational point of view, but the quality of your relationships with co-workers may suffer because of that and make you unhappy.
But that is only a theory. Maybe it could be good if you could work on changing your patterns with a therapist?
Traumas may produce low self-esteem, that can result in anxiety, which results in perfectionism (according to psychology books perfectionism is fear), that can be fuel to anger and frustration, leading to more anxiety or depression. This is a vicious circle...
@djhmbtr
I'm not sure if I can help tell you why you are how you are but I can try and give you advice on something I've seen help a bit. If you usually go to a specific person about these problems like your boyfriend then when you're in a good mood ask him that when you like that again ask him to change the topic in a soft way so it doesn't sound like he's trying to not talk about it but then ask him to get you to do something you know you're good at and can calm you down. Like if I were to get like that I would ask my girlfriend that if I got like that if she would try to comfort me and invite me to do some origami with her or baking even though she doesn't like those things she would do them if it helped my mental state to calm me down and then afterwards the other person in your relationship feels good when you tell them how much you helped them and that could help with the feeling they're saying they have where they feel like you're not as into them. If any of that doesn't make sense just tell me and I'll try to explain it again or if you don't think that will help then just don't say anything.
@inteleontrainer no that makes plenty of sense. Thank you for taking the time to give advice and help. I could definitely try this. And i don’t ever mean or want to make him feel like I don’t care about him or his interests and spending time with him. So maybe finding ways to be there for each other and balance in interests will help each other to not feel neglected and to feel comforted when feeling so many emotions.
@djhmbtrI'm not sure if I can help tell you why you are how you are but I can try and give you advice on something I've seen help a bit. If you usually go to a specific person about these problems like your boyfriend then when you're in a good mood ask him that when you like that again ask him to change the topic in a soft way so it doesn't sound like he's trying to not talk about it but then ask him to get you to do something you know you're good at and can calm you down. Like if I were to get like that I would ask my girlfriend that if I got like that if she would try to comfort me and invite me to do some origami with her or baking even though she doesn't like those things she would do them if it helped my mental state to calm me down and then afterwards the other person in your relationship feels good when you tell them how much you helped them and that could help with the feeling they're saying they have where they feel like you're not as into them. If any of that doesn't make sense just tell me and I'll try to explain it again or if you don't think that will help then just don't say anything.
whoops don't know why that sent twice