Porn Addiction

Hi. I don't know which words I should/shouldn't use or is it the normal usage to type this here but here we go. I'm not native so sorry for future miskates. I'm a male/23 and I have porn addiction since covid-19 began. I'm remembering I was watching porn way before than covid but I was busy, not alone and there was no time to *** or looking for porn in my life. So it wasn't effecting my social behavior, energy or any other thing that it can effect on me. Now I'm in university and I'm struggling to connect with someone and having less energy and motivation to do the things I gotta do. I couldn't sleep very well and I couldn't find a good reason to get up from the bed. My mom once told me that "if you don't have any purpose you can't get up from bed" Sometimes I wake up and rolling on the bed to side to side and trying to sleep again. But 2 days ago I was so mad at my self, it felt like I just had enough. I felt a deep pain inside and it was like physically hurting.

This is a nsfw part, so please do not read if you have any history of self hatred/ self punishment:

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I was so mad at me I wanted punish myself for things I couldn't do or achive. I accomplished that with walking to home in cold weather. I walked 4 km uphill in 17 degrees (C°) while wearing only a t-shirt and short. At some point on the road I was literally pushing myself to do finishing it. But I couldn't my legs were shaking. I don't blame myself or I don't want to put too much meaning into this but I really managed to walk and see the city from high. I took that as a win.

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I arrived at home and urges caught me up and I couldn't control myself. I masturbated with porn but it felt so much different than usual. It was like... When I was a kid I hated vegetable foods and mom was forcing me to try it and decide after that. And I felt disgust. I felt same after watching porn. I asked myself "why can't you stop porn?" "you literally climbed a mountain" I woke up and it was enough. I started to surfing on the internet how I can connect with others like me and watched some porn addiction videos on YouTube. (Btw seeing people with same issues that I have in my life really made me feel relaxed and comfortable. Thanks for Dr. K and brothers in this video: Helping viewers with porn addiction btw there is a part 2 of this video where they relapse)

I sat my chair and watched all video I was all alone and my roomie was gone for school and I didn't do it. It was like 3.5 hours when he comes back but felt like years. I just didn't. And I was so proud of myself with that 3.5 hours. But my brain was like scratching, it was like pushing me. Urge was physical but resistance was mentally. I just slept with my door open and not trying to close. Because whenever I kept close I do the same thing. I tried to sleep, it was hard(rolling on bed) but I managed to fell asleep. I woke up, this is day 2 of trying to quit porn and not over sexualize things that I think about. Trying to control my emotions and not overreacting to the things that I normally wouldn't. These 2 days is hard maybe because of the dopamine resistance but I will keep going. I just wanted to daily check in. Thank you for reading.

PS: I didn't talk to my family about this because I feel shame and I didn't try to get a professional help. I don't know, it feels so bad being a 23 year old man and struggling with this. I didn't know how they would react. I really appreciate if anyone explains how they told their family about their problem.