Project ReFrame - Let's Change our Thinking Together!
There is a form of therapy called cognitive-behavior therapy or CBT. The basic idea is that how we think impacts how we feel, which then impacts how we behave. How we think – or interpret or frame our experience – influences how we feel. Here is a classic example:
I smile and say hi to my boss, but he doesn
I've got a few that stand out But there are a lot more than the ones below.
Situation: I made a joke and only a few people laughed.
Thought: I'm not funny at all, that joke was horrible.
Situation: I play a song on clarinet for someone and they say it sounds good.
Thought: Of course they'd say that, they're my friend. They basically have to. I did a horrible job.
Situation: I got a 90 on a test.
Thought: I'm such a failure, everyone thinks I'm stupid now.
Situation: My friend seems sad.
Thought: She's definitely doing horribly and she obviously doesn't trust me enough to tell her, so I'm obviously a bad friend.
Situation: Someone close to me relapsed again.
Thought: I said something mean, didn't I? I ruined everything and now they're going to hate me. I'm a horrible person.
@Monarda thanks for sharing these. Not sure if you are up for this or not, but this might be interesting. Imagine if your friend was saying these things to you. If you cared for her, what would you tell her? Sometimes, when we treat ourselves like we'd treat a good friend, we can get out from under our kind of habitual way of seeing things.
I'll write more in the morning as well, but wanted to share that idea with you to get your thoughts :).
@GlenM that's actually a really good idea. I'll try to get in the habit of doing that, I think it may help :)
@GlenM Thank you Glen, I loved your comparison with a good friend...It helps so much...
@Monarda Regarding what makes you a good friend , I wonder if your underlying belief is "I am a good friend only if my friends share everything that's bothering them with me . "
@Harry53 for me, it's huge for a friendship to have trust. So for a friend to be in pain and not have told me, in my mind that means they don't trust me enough
@Monarda i've had similar thoughts in the past and currently have them sometimes. when i've been able to catch them, i re-frame it in two ways.
1) why else would my friend not tell my about it? maybe it's too painful to talk about. maybe she's ashamed of what's bothering her. maybe she's not ready to talk at all, to anyone.
2) i remember that if she's in pain, i would prefer to concentrate on supporting her, instead of worrying about me. there are many little things i could do to help her, even if she doesn't talk.
so I refocus outside of myself (coming up with reasons besides things that have to do with me for why she isn't talking plus thinking of some little thing i can do that might -- but not necessarily must -- brighten her day) and then actually do that little thing -- because doing something, instead of thinking about stuff, for me, always helps how i feel. this combination usually kicks me out of a place of sadness and anxiety over the thought. and it feels especially good to know that i acted out of a place of consideration, instead of reaction.
i've heard several versions of what my CBT therapist described as a triangle -- thoughts, feeling, behavior. a lot of folks think this is a top-down kind of thing: change thoughts and you'll change feeling and behaviors. but my therapist described it as all interconnected: change one of these patterns and the others will change too. that's why the "fake it till you make it" approach actually works. i change my behavior, even if it doesn't feel genuine, and it worked for me. but this exercise of re-framing changes both thinking and behavior, so it works especially well to change feeling for me.
@Monarda
Monarda, if your friend doesnt trust you enough to share his pain with you, thats a reflection of him, and not of you, or of how good a friend you are to him. Even the worlds greatest friend may have friends who dont share everything with him.
All - great work here! Off to a really strong start. The more we practice these kinds of re-framing strategies the better we'll get at them and the more we'll be able to help one another. Keep up the great work!!!
I can catch my negative thoughts I throw at myself when they happen & I nervously handle them it works but I'm not confident about it. For example
when I'm at work & someone higher up weather it be a boss or my bosses boss calls my name or calls me over, I think I'm in trouble.
I ask myself when I'm doing my art something that can have no wrong or right way to do so, I think it's wrong & terrible
Or when I'm at school I'm not the greatest at math, so I don't try my best
or when I'm constantly comparing myself to others. I'm still getting my associates while everyone else ik has graduated. But I want a masters so I'm used to school.
I feel bad about my life sometimes.
@Orian343 Orian I could so relate to all you described..
But always remember that ART is a place where noone can judge you. It is an ultimate state of freedom and connection with your inspiration. So noone should be a guide here.
I also compared myself to others all the time. and you know what. People are different as hell.Everyone has their own needs/wants/abilities/energy - and to look up to others always and being sad about 'underscoring' is a waste of time....
To stop comparing yourself to others you need to be honest with yourself and talk to yourself about what it is really important to you and what you want. To meet your fears.
To acknowledge your weak and strong sides.
Is it all about competition? Vanity? we all have this. It's coming from different sources, from childhood. But truth is Do we want to be happy or Do we want to comply with others and appear not less than them?
I have one example...when you're in school people ask what will your profession be? when you got your profession they ask you how much you make. When you are single - they ask about when are you going to marry. When you marry they ask about your kids. When you get kids they ask whether you provide them well.
It's a neverending circle. Just acknowledging that you don't owe to fulfill anyone's expectations help. But to do that. you need to be aware that You are a unique individual and soul, you like what you like and it might not be what others want.
It is better to leave all this buzz behind. It is only a buzz really. That shakes you because inside you are afraid to meet with your fears.
CBT for me was a part of realizing that until we completely Forgive ourselves, Accept ourselves as we are - negative patterns will re-emerge.
Something in you keeps saying you are worthless, people are against you and many other examples - and this is a no-doubt a well-built pattern of thinking. Built so well and for probably so long due to our problems, depressions, traumas and everything else.
But first of all, we are so tired of this constant tensions and doubts within ourselves that we cannot escape this circle unless we really WANT a change and unless we WANT calmness and peace. Everyone needs this calmness and inner harmony.
So to build it up - this FACT that we all have Inner light is important. If you let go of all your assumptions, thoughts - locking your conscience. If you just relax and think you always have a place where you will be understood, listened to, like a big warm hug there for you always. And it is within you.
Imagine that all your choices up to this day were dictated by your environment, close people, your reactions to it - and leave it on the WHITE THRESHOLD. and beyond this THRESHOLD - there is only light and pureness. And there is no fixed thinking, no fixed opinions, everything is like a big snow field UNTOUCHED on a snowy day...
And if you step into this Field it might scare you at first, because you will like to stick to your past. But to truly obtain this harmony you need to Step into this WHITE FIELD and pass it through and there is a NEW UNderstanding and NEW life after this.
I am telling myself that all these negative thoughts came from experiences I had since my birth..I cannot revert that...Some blueprints are very well ingrained in my conscience...But I want to be free from them...and the only way to do that is TO CHANGE my thinking...Nothing is what it seems. In most of the cases what we feel and experience is so subjective...So passing through this WHITE field is recognizing that these patterns owned you for a while. But having this inner light is important - because it nurtures you always from within - then you dont search for outside signs of your worth or doubts about yourself. You as anyone else has a right to discover this space and to become free from all your sorrows. Everytime something negative possesses (fear/anger/hate/helplessness/panic) your mind - it helps to detachedly think that this is Ego shaped by past is winning over your focus...You have nothing to fear...If you have this strength within...
The last situation that need reframing in my life:
I've been feeling specially down lately. Today I ask my boyfriend for a bit of attention (cuddles, a hug, a kiss on the forehead...): he was watching TV, and I approached, put my arms around him and asked, please. He looked vaguely at me, smiled faintly, and kept watching TV. Not a word or a gesture, not even to say "no". I feel horribly hurt and like I'm a burden to him and all those unlucky enough to be around. I was clearly upset, so I feel it means he doesn't care enough for me. The chain of thoughts ends up in "I don't deserve to be loved.", which is a pretty sad thing to believe.
@BrokenLady Hey. So sorry to hear about it...Please dont feel down...Is he always like that or maybe he also had a bad day? If it's a pattern maybe he is not good for you indeed?
@bubbleLake078 Thank you for your answer! He could have had a bad day: he didn't sleep well and is very tired, but is that an excuse to not give a hug to someone teary eyed? I don't know, it's difficult to be fair and objective when depression and anxiety conspire against you >_<
About being right/not right for me: I am not sure. He's like this a lot lately, and it gets worse at the same rhythm my depression goes deeper, so I don't know if it's my illness making me see things differently, or if it's really getting worse, know what I mean? We've been together for 10 years, and I've never felt he was like this before, at least not that I remember, but maybe I just didn't see it, OR maybe I'm making it up. This is confusing and scary, to be honest.
@BrokenLady Could you perhaps talk to him about your concerns or about your anxiety? Maybe he has something to share about some rough parts of his day or maybe something bothers him as well, but he keeps shut? Communication helps a lot. Dont be afraid to talk to him. He is a close person after all especially being 10 years together.
@BrokenLady
I myself have been through this exact same scenario. One thing I have learned is that perhaps it was not the appropriate time to ask or seek such a need from him because he was seemingly busy. So, waiting for the appropriate moment is key. Also, asking may throw him off. Maybe just going up to him and hugging him instead of him hugging you could work. And if a hug and affection is what you realay need then perhaps being assertive is what would help.
I am sorry to hear you are feeling so much hurt. No one deserves to be treated that way by someone. It is psychological abuse and it is cruel. Everyone deserves to be loved and that is coming from someone who has been in abusive relationships most of my life. You deserve to be loved!! Everyone does!
@BrokenLady Hi there, I understand what you mean entirely. My husband has difficulty interpreting my requests sometimes, so I have to say it clearly, 'I need a hug. I need a lot of love today. I need affection, please.' and thank him when I receive it. Communication is key, even though it feels as though you shouldn't have to spell everything out for him (some people just don't pick up on body language, no matter how obvious it seems to you :) ). I hope this helps, and you're definitely not alone. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of giving and receiving love.
@BrokenLady sometimes evwn my girlfriend behaves in the same way. She fails to notice how much effort i make to do something for her. Even i feel so bad at that moment. I can totally understand what you may feel like. But it is something that happens sometimes.
@BrokenLady You should always feel loved by your partner; but on days when you are feeling particularly low remember to make sure you communicate clearly what you need from him. Sometimes - I am guilty of this - it's easy to expect certain things from others that are a little unfair and then when they don't live up to our expectations we blame them and get angry at them. It's also tempting to want your partner to just intuitively understand what you need - it's a very romantic notion! But even though the reality is a little different, that doesn't necessarily mean that there's any less love within such a relationship. I'm sure he loves you, he probably just needs a little more prompting to show it when you need it!
@BrokenLady
@BrokenLady
@BrokenLady
I see a feral cat from my window. She is so skinny, but she deserves to be loved. A bowl of catfood is love to her
My birds singing happily in the feeder outside deserve love, and with love I fill their feeder.
There is no way that you could ever convince me that they deserve love and you don't.
You deserve love and a lot more respect.
Sent with peace and hugs
@BrokenLady maybe he has his own personal issues that he has to deal with or maybe he's planning on giving you a surprise like a proposal and he's scared that if he interacts with you that he would spill the beans. So just give him some time and space.
I am living in un comfortable contry.
Low minimum wage
High prices
Minimum welfare
So i must be full time worker, and i have no many of time.
I am hanging in only my study at my free time For got my dreaming job.
So i've got very small community
I am not think i am wrong.
I am just try hard to live my life.
But i am necessariIy lonely
I have no boy friend , and not many of friends.
Gradually i feel ashame to my life and my self.
May be i've got the blues.
These days i think my life has not worth.
I'm just want to study drawing. But it's too hard to studying without stress and worry.
I am just wanna write my thesedays feels somewhere.
I wanna be what i want someday.
Hi @kalm2a sorry you are feeling so alienated and alone in an uncomfortable country. It is a challenge but you seem to be continuing to work so that in itself is success.
With me I found little times on evenings or weekends to do those things that inspire me and mean so much. That is not easy but it is possible.
Feel free to reach out if you want a 1-1 chat. There are many wonderful listeners here. Hold onto your dreams. Like a seed in the desert they are holding on until the rain finally falls. The rains will come. Be patient.
@kalm2a I relate 90% to what you say and I am sorry you are in this mess as well. I don't know... I guess we must keep trying and search the value of ourselves and life within ourselves.
@kalm2a i feel you. i'm abroad too. to fight the blues sometimes i would find events or chances to volunteer, go on couchsurfing.com to meet locals even for just an afternoon coffee. hang in there. you're not alone in the homesickness.
@kalm2a Hey there, I'm really sorry you're in such a difficult situation. I can't say that I can relate to you, I'm a teen living in a city with a dad who buys anything I want and more. I have a good education in the top private school here, and lots of people to make friends with as well as a sister, but we all go through rough patches, and I'd just like to say how strong you are for pushing through and hanging on to your studies with everything pushing against you. Perhaps instead of filling up all your time with studies and work, take some time to go for a walk. Try drawing up a timetable and fill the hours in with things you absolutely need to do and then review it. When I did this, I saw a lot more hours than I thought I had and it was a lot less stressful. You might be suffering from a burnout, which could happen if you push yourself too much for too long. If you take a break every once in a while, you might find that you become more productive. Good luck!
@kalm2a
Hey Kalm2A,
It sounds like a sad kind of place you are in. Don't worry so much. Try and make people smile even though you feel sad. Your not the only one feeling this way. Believe in yourself and the goodness in the world. Try even though it's hard. What does not kill us makes us stronger and none of us really know how long we have on this earth so be your best you today. Im sending you a smile from the dessert. Hang in there.
Smile, sometimes you can even fool yourself into seeing the bright side.
yuck. crappy day. okay, here's my situation:
had a lot of trouble (like half the day, seriously, i've been at this for hours) finding a gift for my brother.
my feelings: sad, guilty, angry
my thoughts: i'm a bad sister. i should be able to pick a gift for him. why do i have to do this christmas stuff anyway? it's not like he's going to get me anything (he hasn't for the past three years). i don't even want to celebrate christmas, it's not my holiday, so why should i have to give gifts to all my family members?
i can see a lot of shoulds in there, which is definitely leading to my distress. but i'm struggling to reframe these thoughts, especially the last ones that make me angry.
Those feelings are common in this time.@falconer42
@emotionalPine52 thanks you. they happen every year for me. here's how i reframed the first thought:
"i'm a bad sister." this is very much over-gernaralizing, as well as mental filtering.
the fact is that i found great presents for 8 out of the 9 people in my family i send presents to. that's an 88% success rate, far from failing, or batting 0.889. my father was very into baseball, and i always enjoyed it with him. i'm not a baseball fan much anymore (still too painful to watch since he passed) but i still hang on to a way he used to look at life when i struggle with mental filtering. if i were a baseball player and i batter 0.889 average i'd be the best in history!
but even without that idea, getting great presents for 8 out of 9 is a good thing. just because i couldn't find a good present for my brother doesn't make me a bad sister. that's one little thing out of the many things that make up our relationship, and it's a pretty insignificant thing in the big picture.
taking it a step farther (this is part of the re-framing exercise my CBT/ACT therapist taught me), what's the worst that could happen around the gift i did pick for him? he hates it (and i'm stopping that thought right there, since anything more than that he hates it would be catastrophizing). what's the very best that could happen? he loves it (and i'm stopping that thought right there, because i don't want to minimize the positive things -- so easy for me to do). what's the most realistic thing that could happen? that he got a gift from his sister and knows that she's thinking of him. he had a heart attack this spring, so i got him healthy chicken sausages from my favorite smokehouse in wisconsin.
i did this exercise on that first thought (since it was still bothering me when i woke up -- causing me to not be able to get out of bed for a half hour) this morning, and i feel better about it.
@falconer42 ''I'm a bad sister, I should be able to pick a gift for him.''
Reframe:
-It's the thought that counts. The gift itself doesn't matter in my opinion, you taking the time and effort to even get him one even though christmas is not your holiday is amazing and I think it makes you a pretty great sister.
-Everyone struggles with christmas shopping. In my family we always have wish lists so we know what to get for each other and believe me without them we'd all be lost.
-Whatever you buy, you don't know what he's going to think. There's the chance of him liking it, and there's the chance of him doesn't liking it. Unless you can predict the future you have no knowing of which one of the two it's going to be so you shouldn't worry too much about it. Like I said before, it's the thought that counts. And even if he doesn't like it, there's always next year.
@Cheeney great re-frames for that thought! and especially recognizing that i can neither predict the future, nor am i responsible for his feelings. even if his feelings are in reaction to my action of giving him a gift, it is still his reaction.
those are two things i have to remind myself daily (in addition to "i can not read minds"). it's not that i actually believe i can do those things, but the thoughts i struggle with can often be reduced to my needing to be able to do those things for those thoughts to be true. and i know that i can not do those things. :)
@falconer42 I'm glad to hear that by reminding yourself of that you can reduce the thoughts, that's great!
@Cheeney i'm not sure that "reduce the thoughts" is the right way to describe how these reminders and re-frames work for me. the thoughts are still there. they still come, with about the same frequency (which depends on where i am in my cycle i guess). but with the reminders and the re-frames, they disturb me less. i can let them pass through my mind instead of having them on infinite loop, or going deeper into the thought distortion. i hope i am describing the experience right...
i guess since they can help to stop the infinite loop thing (obsessing) and since they can keep me from going deeper, then they do reduce the amount of negative thoughts. it's more like training or practice though. which is why this thread is super plus awesome IMO, because it allows all of us to practice, and the more I practice the better I get!
@falconer42 Ah, I understand. The thoughts still exist but you choose not to let them control you. That's awesome!
And you're right, practice makes perfect.
My family does not exchange gifts anymore, we just give to our favourite charities.
Too late for 2015, but could it work for 2016?
I do believe that depression and anxiety can make things appear worst than they actually are.
For example, on days that we are feeling down it is a lot easier for things to affect us
then it is when we are on top of the world.
Depression and anxiety can and do affect how we respond to situations by influencing our reasoning and our judgment as well as our thoughts.
What is a good practice is practicing that thoughts are thoughts.
Imagine your sitting at a bench , your feet are on the grass and your staring into the river in front of you. The leaves represent your thoughts.
"i am a burden"
so now put that thought in the river on the leaf.
"I am anxious"
and put that thought on the river on a leaf too.
What this exercise helps us realizes is that our thoughts are thoughts
they are not us
for example you can say
"i am having a thought that i am anxious."
Instead of i think.
You can learn about this in the self guide Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which you can find in your My path tab. We can talk if you would like and we can go over it together.
Take care <3
@FruityloveBubbles11 i haven't done the ACT path on here yet, but my therapist went over a slightly different version of this exercise from stephen hayes.
imagine you're standing on a bridge above a railroad track. you look down at the track, and there is a train crossing beneath the bridge. the train consists of many boxcars. inside each boxcar are your thoughts. but you yourself are not in the boxcars. you are not the boxcar. you are on the bridge, merely observing the thoughts as they flow past. and who wants to jump onto a moving train? so instead of engaging in the thoughts, or jumping into a boxcar, you watch and let them pass.
personally, i made a more nature oriented version of this for myself to use similar to the one you shared above. in my version, i sit on a grassy hill leaning against a beautiful old tree. there is the same stream, and leaves float down the stream with my thoughts resting on them. if i got up and tried to engage with those thoughts, i'd get wet and maybe even be swirled under by the current of the stream.
in both these scenarios, what is most important is what you, @FruityloveBubbles11, pointed out. that there is a self that is greater than, or maybe merely apart from, my thoughts, my feelings, and (as far as i am concerned) my reactive behaviors. i am not my thoughts, i am not my feelings, and i am not my reactive (or automatic) behaviors. which is why i can change one of these things and effect the others. i have thoughts, i have feelings, and i have reactive, ingrained, or automatic behaviors. but through work, i can change these things that do not serve my values in life. it's hard. really hard. i'm still working on it, but i do believe that i can change these things. i have to believe, because the alternative is too painful.
sometimes i doubt this belief, like when a deep depression hits again, but sometimes i can head one of those off, or at least post-pone it with these techniques. and i know i'm coming out of one and things are changing when i can apply them more successfully.
@FruityloveBubbles11 I loved this way of thinking! I surely will try sometime. Thanks for sharing 
@fearlessJar1329
I am really happy you found my post helpful :-) I do too it helps tremendously. Anytime <3
It's never be easy for me to close with anyone, but i have one person that really close to me. Our friendship the longest and closest that i have with anybody in this world. I'm very happy for that but she never tell anyone that we are close, no one knows that we are close, she never share our activity if we spend time together, eg: we went to cinema, she update in social media but in that social media she said she watch it alone, she never post our photos on social media, it seems she never want anyone knows that we are close.
It might be sounds childish or weird but, my thought about she never want to be my best friend, only respond me because i'm pathetic person, and i'm only a burden for her always haunting me.. I'm happy with her but, sometimes that thoughts disturb me.
@blessedgirl that's a tough one. but i think the problem may be (partly) in personalization. so i would re-frame some of those thoughts this way:
"she doesn't want anyone to know we're close because i'm a pathetic person" into "her reasons for not wanting anyone to know we're close belong to her, and i don't make her do anything she doesn't want to do."
there is something else. your frustration is understandable, with wanting her to aknowledge your friendship in a public way. one of my shrinks told me once that it is natural to want this in a relationship of any sort. but if you get something positive from her friendship and her friendship helps you in achieving the kind of life you value, then it is still a good one, even if it is missing a natural component to friendship such as public acceptance.
@falconer42
Indeed she give me a lot positive things, but you know sometimes the thought about she doesn't want me because i'm pathetic come when i see why people and their bestfriend can show their friendship when i can't show it, and even when i try to reveal it, she doesn't respond, give any comment or say anything.. it's actually make me hurt more.
Thanks a lot, i will try reframe my thought with that^^
Hi @blessedgirl . Sorry your close person does not recognize you in public. That could be due to many reasons. Have you ever asked the question to them? Maybe the answer is reachable if you ask.
@soulsings
Yeah, she always said because that's me, i'm like that, showing my feelings isn't my type. But i think this isn't fair because she show to the public any friendship she have, except with me. It's sad, especially with the thoughts i'm the who always reach her first, talk to her first, give her presents, showing that i'm very grateful to have her but she never show any sign that she feel the same.
Maybe she really doesn't want share it to public because i'm weird and pathetic and i think my friendship with her is only one sided.
@blessedgirl I don't think you are any negative terms you mentioned, but maybe your friend is a social climber always looking at people so they can climb the social ladder. They may have judgments about who can help them get ahead. The fact that you are ignored may mean that you may want to lower your expectations about what you can get from your friend and diversify by start developing other friendships as well
@soulsings
Thank you for helping me reframe my thought
@blessedgirl Maybe your friend is simply reluctant to 'share' you with anyone. Sometimes we just need to be a little bit selfish, so this might be just a simple act of jealousy. Your friend could also be insecure and wish to seek more attention from people. Perhaps she was bullied in the past. When I was younger, I was bullied. I transferred schools after that and met someone there who became my best friend. However, no one seemed to like him and in my attempt to get more attention and more people to like me, I wasn't very public about our friendship. A year or two later, I developed a crush on him, but by then he was dating my new best 'friend' - a popular girl. After that I transferred schools again, and I regret doing that to this day. I would have like to continue being his friend. So, maybe you should talk to your friend? Tell him/her how you feel, like what the others have posted above. Good luck, and I wouldn't wish losing a good friend on anyone.
@blessedgirl
I don't think that she is a very good friend. She seems to disrespect your feelings. You deserve better than that
Hi, I think I need to reframe as well.
Things have been been going very good with my brothers. Misinterpretation was the main problem. And listening to other people in the family. Who don't really know what is going on.
So, I have that done yippie.
I am still looking for a better part time job. And have put in many applications even had a interview but, no offer. I have always gotten jobs pretty easily but not this time. I have a okay job now but, I am not getting enough hours.
My husband is very supportive and that really does help but, my anxiety seems to spike a lot and then follows the depression.
@42me Same here. We just have to have a tiny bit of faith that's it's going to be all right and come full circle for us some day, and remind ourselves that we are working through it with the help of our loves ones.