Project ReFrame - Let's Change our Thinking Together!
There is a form of therapy called cognitive-behavior therapy or CBT. The basic idea is that how we think impacts how we feel, which then impacts how we behave. How we think – or interpret or frame our experience – influences how we feel. Here is a classic example:
I smile and say hi to my boss, but he doesn
one of my friends just ignored everything I said and know I feel like nobody listens to me. I feel worthless. I honestly thought I mattered
@Ginge1901 There could be lots of reasons why your friend acted as if they ignored you - maybe they didn't know how to respond or maybe they have their own issues they're struggling to cope with or maybe they've just been really busy? We can't read other people's minds and just because they couldn't provide you with a response this time it doesn't mean you're worthless. Do you have another friend you could try talking to?
@LittleLotte
but he acted all interested like he cared and it turned out he wasnt listening when I asked him about it today. And I could speak to other people but then their is the fear that they too dont listen to me and I just annoy people. thank you for speaking to me it means a lot x
@Ginge1901 As I said, there could be reasons that he didn't remember the things you said today, maybe he was preoccupied with stressful thoughts of his own? Maybe he just has a really bad memory? Eveb people like therapists have to write down what's been said to them so they can remember the details.
I guess if you don't try speaking to other people then you'll never know if they'll listen or not, but I think it's worth taking the risk. If they don't listen then the only thing really lost is the time taken to speak, but there's so much to gain.
@LittleLotte thank you <3 :)
@Ginge1901 It seems that your negative thought is "I am worthless because no one listens to me." Can you explain how that affects your worth as a person? I don't think it does!
In order for CBT to work you often need to rid yourself from Guilt, Shame, Self-blame (which I know are really a burden, especially in depression).
Imagine that you are a pure soul inside - all of us - it is a space inside of us that is a part of the universe - and if you keep it pure, on the wave of Calmness and Warmth - CBT works even better. You need this acknowledgment of our deeper inner energies locked inside, which are always there for us. Once you know it - you are on the right wave - you are free and pure and light - and everything that happens around you - is just a reflection of world's waves. Be it anger, hate, anything seeming hurtful to you - just let it be - let it be on its own - If you don't "catch" this negative vibration - it stays where it stays. Only you - can decide whether to be on that wave or not.
@bubbleLake078 Great post... I think a lot of people that have difficulties cannot find that inner pureness... it takes a lot of work even to get someone in that situation to acknowledge at least that it "might" be there. But I do believe we all have it, and also that we often need someone else to help us to discover it.
@Ed78 Thanks Ed. You know I could not believe I had one too until I learnt from spiritual teachings that we all do - that is no doubt. And It is NEVER Late to acknowledge that and start being pure to nurture yourself.
It was an analogy with a true friend. If you did something wrong or feel bad about your actions or whatever - if you have a truly good friend - no matter what you have to say - they will ALWAYS listen to you WITHOUT Judgement or blame. So now Imagine this true friend is that Inner Light place within you. It never judges - just gives you warmth and understanding. Gives you Silence and Space. Everyone has it. It is a matter of finding it, listening to it, letting all Ego talk wane (by Ego I mean our image perceived by us or others of ourselves).
Please you could watch teachings of Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche (Tibetan healer) on Youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZgsNW9mP1w
on HOW TO FIND THIS INNER REFUGE. It helped me so much.
And I really hope it will help you guys out there.
okay, here's one from me. i'm reading an article about 5 skills i should cultivate as a freelancer (big hint here for me is that i've already re-framed the article with the word "should" in it, meaning i'm already thinking that if i don't have these skills yet, there's something wrong with me...)
one of the skills is have confidence. the next thought was, "i don't have confidence in my work, so i'll never be able to make it as a freelancer" it spirals down hill from there.
@falconer42 Hi there :)
Let me help to re-frame the situation :)
1. Confidence is indeed needed to be a freelancer so you can promote yourself and feel good about what you did. As freelancer needs to struggle more than the full time job writer, confidence is needed so you can fight through the competition.
2. Every one have confidence although some would only have little but really they all have confidence they just don't know yet. There are a lot of people who can do their job brilliantly although they claim they are not confident. The only thing that differentiate them is that the more confident you are the more you are able to boast on your work.
3. Confidence is a state of mind. Confidence is how you want other people to see you, the more confident you are the more brilliant you will be seen. And we always want us to see us shining, no?
4. It's pretty much okay if you start to doubt yourself because that only means you know you need to improve. It's not okay to dwell on it so much though.
5. By posting this, I have seen you are confident enough to admit your flaws and have the will to change. It's already a nice start :)
@Minyaa thanks for these! when i worked through the exercise, i identified that the thought that bothered me ("I don't have any confidence") was actually emotional reasoning. just because I *feel* like I don't have any confidence doesn't mean that I don't actually have any confidence. people around me see me as confidence, so maybe i'm more confident than i feel like i am.
@falconer42 That might be the case :) After all people are always harder on themselves rather than others to them :) I hope you can keep believing that you can do it(one way of being confident) and good luck on your job! :D
@Minyaa thanks! i do think i can do this (issue comes with thinking i can do it well, lol). i'm in the black for this year, so that's a good thing, and proof that i can do it.
I feel like i have trouble keeping friends, both on here and in real life. People get interested in me when they hear i had a rough past, but once their sadistic curiosity runs out, they ignore me or push me away. I don't feel i will be able to ever find a true friend who will care enough to mare a little time for me.
@RJ0114 So sorry to hear that. I went through the same myself, lost couple of people I truly liked because they lost interest in me.
Keep your faith in people, though :) I am sure you are a nice and interesting person regardless of your past.
@RJ0114 RJ...I dont know about all the circumstances of yours..but one thing I learnt for myself is that when we look for some form of happiness - outside - in people - it is hardest to find it. Because people change, their lives change - and who was supportive yesterday is distant today. For this you might just have to build this comfort and strength inside of yourself. Like becoming a mother or father to your own self inside. Without self-pity and without anything negative. People are mostly focused on themselves and their problems. So even you being at this website is already a big GOOD THING in our lives - that such place exists...So maybe you should not tell them next time all too sensitive areas about you. Be strong - it what made you strong - you should be proud of it. Don't focus on your past as on something negative. And as you change your focus for your better future - all your concerns will fade slowly. Just dont focus on your past in conversations with people.
Excellent post! Helpful too :)
I never thought about this in such a way. I
This is a really good idea; I'm gonna try think through all my thoughts like this
May I repost this, please? 
@GlenM The stems are some great options we can use in our discussions too. Thank you for sharing those!
huge post warning...
okay, so here is the list i got from my therapist of the ten most common types of thought distortions. there are other, more exhaustive, lists out there, but ive always liked this one. the examples and thoughts are ones i came up with myself.
1) Mental filter
Focusing only on the negative in a given situation, and ignoring the positive.
Example: I make a dessert to share with four people. Three out of the four people love it, but one doesnt because it has coconut in it.
My thought: I shouldnt make desserts anymore, no one likes them.
2) Disqualifying the positive
Deciding that positive experiences mean less, or in some way dont count. (major personal thought distortion of mine, fyi)
Example: I successfully launch a new website for a client and my aunt thinks it looks great.
My thought: Shes just saying that because shes my aunt. The website probably sucks.
3) All or Nothing Thinking (also called Black and White Thinking)
Interpreting everything as an absolute using either/or logic. Often contributes to problems with perfectionism.
Example: I got an 80% on a test.
My thought: I bombed that test because I didn't get 100%.
4) Over-Generalization
Seeing one negative thing as being proof of everything in that area (or in life) as being bad,
Example: I got an 80% on a test.
My thought: Ill never graduate from college and never get a job.
5) Jumping to Conclusions
Assuming a negative outcome without knowing all the facts. Mind-reading, or thinking you know how someone else feels about something you did or said and Fortune-telling, or thinking you know the outcome of something that hasnt happened yet (and usually interpreting these unknowns as automatically being negative)
Example: GlenMs example — I smiled at my boss and she didnt react.
My thought: My boss doesnt like me.
6) Magnifying or Minimizing (also known as Catastrophizing)
Exaggerating negative events and/or downplaying positive events.
Example: I sent out an email with a typo in it to everyone at the office.
My thought: I screwed up so bad, Im going to loose my job and not get another one.
7) Personalization
Interpreting everything negative as being your fault.
Example: I go to a party and the hostess burns the main course.
My thought: I was late to the party so I ruined everything by making her wait for me.
8) Shoulds, Oughts, and Musts
Having a set of absolute rules that you judge yourself and others by.
Example: I miss a class because I have a migraine.
My thought: Im a horrible person, I should go to class unless Im bleeding from my eyes. (backstory: this was my dads rubric for when one could miss class, yes that is some baggage i'm carrying, lol *wink*)
9) Emotional Reasoning
Acting based on the assumption that what we feel is absolutely true. This is a hard one. It doesnt mean that our feelings are invalid, only that just because we feel something doesnt mean that it is reflective of reality.
Example: I look in the mirror and feel ugly.
My thought: I feel ugly, therefore I am ugly. Im not going to bother with my appearance.
10) Labelling
Assigning specific, and typically highly emotional, words to ourselves or others.
Example: I drop my kids off at daycare.
My thought (with the labelling underlined): Im abandoning my kids, I must be a horrible mother.
if you want, you can try to re-frame any of these thoughts for practice. like the emotional reasoning one, heres a reframe of that:
just because i feel ugly doesnt mean i am. maybe im having a bad hair day today, or i didnt get enough sleep.
@falconer42 oops! the last one (#10) should be like this:
@falconer42 This is such an amazing post, very well written! Thank you for sharing, this is very helpful information.
@falconer42 In regards to your emotional reasoning example , I'm wondering if you have an underlying thought about how you should always, or usually, look. If you do, it would be a good idea to examine that one more closely.
@Harry53 oh yes, i do indeed have a set of "shoulds" about how i present physical self to others that are way too ingrained. but often, those are the easiest to catch, so they don't really bother me as much as they used to. i've gotten to the point where i accept my appearance as it is, especially considering how subjective the concepts of "beauty" and "ugly" are.
it is the set of "shoulds" that i have about how i act towards others that are really insidious, lol. for me, "should" is a super plus bad word. whenever i find myself thinking about it in relation to myself or others, i stop and think, "on what page of the book of life does it say that things must be this way?"
@falconer42
Hi, Falconer 42. It sounds like you are an expert in CBT. Im very impressed! Im glad that you have reached the point where you accept your appearance. That is an important achievement. Stopping and thinking about shoulds and the things that must be this way is a great approach to getting beyond those illogical and nonsensical beliefs so many of us have. Im interested in knowing more about the shoulds you have about how you act towards others. Would you mind listing a few of those?
