Narcissist husband
My husband has been cheating on me all during our 40
Years together. He is a narcissist. He has no honor or morals when it comes to other women. I have so much proof of his infidelity that it is exhausting. But I’m too old to want to upheave my whole life. I just want him to be honest with me instead of secretive. I want an open marriage where we can live together and be open with each other. That’s all I can ask for at this point. Is there anyone else out there living or experienced with a narcissist?
Find some solutions on how you can make a living outside of the marriage. If you have kids then maybe make them independent if they are at that certain age. You can ask for help from your family, friends, neighbour anyone who would provide some support. You must leave and find a way out.
Why must I get out? I don’t want to.
@quietApricot1804 u don't want to get out because u worry what will be after it. U've been together for so long and it's understandable that u just don't want to change things. U love ur husband, i guess, and u want him to love u back the same way. However, u need to ask urself a lot of questions. If ur husband really behave this way and if he is really this much narcissistic, then it hurts u and stops u from growing much more than starting again. Will things ever change? Is there a way to change things? These are questions u need to answer urself
@quietApricot1804
I agree with you that after this long upheaval to ones life and you most likely built your future around this marriage ....
people say leave with out thinking at a certain point starting over in not realistic....
i agree with the open marriage concept my spouse is not cheating and one could argue if he is narcissist..... but we have no interest in each other really he has ED and chooses not to address anything and i want companionship and frankly sex.
many many older couples are in our shoes live in an older focused community and many many are nothing more then civil roommates
@quietApricot1804 At the core of his being is a great shame that he attempts to hide with denial, projection, idealization to convince himself and others that the shame doesn't exist. It's an incredible circus act with the soul purpose of distracting himself. A soulless and futile attempt to escape a sense of inadequacy. I don't endorse the behavior, however I have great sympathy for the source. I'm so sorry you've been caught up in this situation.
I totally get what you’re saying. I do pity him and that’s why I stay. I’m an empath and could no more leave him than leave my own kids. It may be different if he was nasty and uncaring and abusive. He’s not or at least he can put on a great act of being caring.
At 73 I still have hope of him growing up. 😂😂😂
@quietApricot1804
From what you've shared, it sounds like you have given a lot of thought into the past of your marriage. The choice to remain in the marriage is yours to make and I can understand that your current life is like a comfort zone against the unknowns.
Do you think you might be able to remain comfortable without making it conditional upon expecting change or consideration from him?
I don’t know if I can. I am trying though.
@quietApricot1804 if you feel too old to leave, I can relate to that. we've had many issues over the years and I deal with it by keeping my own interests independent of his, accepting he won't change and trying to keep emotionally healthy enough to let most of go over my head and not bother me. hardly ideal way to live but I guess it works.
@Riverswancycnus
Sounds exactly what I'm doing. She has no interest in my interests. I just keep with my interests and hobbies and trying to keep emotionally healthy as well... 😊
@quietApricot1804 prayers for you ... Bless your heart ....
@quietApricot1804
I have just one question, are you/can you be truly happy in this relationship?
I was in a unloving marriage, we both were stubborn and stayed the course, the children, well at the end, they were adults, were the who suffered the most.
She decided one day that we were moving again and I just as calmly as I could made it clear I wasn’t going with them.
We both struggled with our own demons and I regret my failures in being a proper parent to those beautiful children.
If either one of us had been smart we would’ve parted ways immediately, because the fallout was tragic,
@quietApricot1804
I don't know if I could go as far as her being a narcissist, but she is somewhat self centered and self righteous. She doesn't really put forth much to make our marriage what it should be. She's so inward and doesn't really consider what my needs are. I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety and even depression trying to cope with this. We've been married for over 40 years, and it's been hard to deal with this with most of those years. I just don't understand why she doesn't put forth more effort to make us better. It seems it's always up to me to fix our relationship. I'm exhausted doing all the work.
Sorry what you're going through though. I can't imagine having to deal with a cheating spouse. I know I'm miserable right now, and I know what you're dealing with isn't any easier.
@Spearman60
I think for many when it is a long term relationship there comes a time when one partner seems to think no effort . .....or no maintenance is required for the relationship.
i used to be so assured my relationship while not a romantic comedy was still better as as saw my friends breakup and leave in their 30s or 40s ...... NOW i see they were the lucky ones .........
life sucks when you are in a dead relationship ......... i actually feel nothing towards spouse and yet feel it is a roadblock to having true companionship or love in my life.
@toughTiger6481
We've been round and round on all the issues and I just can't seem to get anywhere with her. She's always been passive aggressive by nature. I guess it's somewhat turned me into one too now. I'm tired of being the one to have to fix it all the time. She doesn't seem to want to do anything about improving our relationship. Little to no effort. There's no intimacy either. That all stopped a few years ago. I'm discouraged, I'm depressed and deal with almost constant anxiety over it all. I'm just not happy. I work full time and have my hobby's to try and keep my mind off of it all. I need to take steps to make my mind and heart healthy again.
@Spearman60
I totally agree with your assessment........ the question is what to do to make yourself happy...
for many in a long term marriage divorce will wreck havoc on both spouses financial situations.... starting over is not always possible and if there are grown kids or grand kids how do you explain or do they understand.
find your bliss on your own play nice when you need to........ but live a life ....... i found someone online that makes me happy ... they have same situation while some may view as emotional cheating or whatever label they chose ... i do not believe in labels .....
enjoy your self doing things you want vacation alone ... even dinner out by yourself.... it is freeing and if by chance a spouse wakes the heck up and sees what has happened i hope those couples can rekindle whatever i no longer have hope nor care......
i have made it quite clear we are civil roommates nothing more and no longer do there actions bother me.
I'll have to admit... I wouldn't mind an online friend... not to cheat with, but for emotional support. I'm not interested in an affair. That would make things more complicated. I just need a friend to share and chat with for emotional support.
@Spearman60
Well that is how my online friend started but when you are heard and your opinion is taken seriously and you both agree that getting along is NOT that complicated it can easily morph into something else.
Well, I thought about a short vacation alone and dinner with just me... just to clear my head and be alone to relax. I just want to be emotionally healthy again. I don't know why she's got to make a simple relationship so hard. And she's so unwilling to make the effort. It's always got to be me to fix it. Well, after 40 years, I'm tired of carrying the load. It's suppose to be a 2 way street to help each other. She just doesn't make the effort. She's always the victim in her eyes. I'm tired of it all.
And that’s exactly what happened with my husband and his online romances. They all morphed into more. I can’t trust an online friend if they are being hidden from the spouse.
I feel I owe you an apology. I jumped in here and then realized I hijacked your thread by posting my own issues. I certainly care about others and what they are going through. I wasn't ignoring what you're going through. I guess I just identified with your situation and then it got me going. Sorry for what you're going through. I know its hard.
Are you still there? I feel we have a lot in common. Don’t hesitate to write back with your own experiences. It’s good to know I’m not alone.
@quietApricot1804
Yes, I'm still around.... 😊
From what I've read in your posts, yes we both seem to have a lot in common in our situations. My wife is more focused on herself than the interests of others... and even me. Her being or labeling her a narcissist might seem to be a bit extreme though, but she does have some signs of it in a milder sense. Meaning like what I was saying, having no interest in me much, but more focused on her and her "burdens."