Living my own life finally, with fear
Hello, all. New to this forum. Recently 50. Realized that I have been lied to and deceived for years, first by narcissistic husband and then mother. It has taken me time to fully accept that's how she is and learn to let go some. Now, however, she needs some care. She could have someone come in a couple days a week, but she expects me to give up my life to care for her. I am going back to school to get a graduate degree that will help me actually enjoy the later years of my life. I haven't told her yet. I don't think I will as she will not be happy for me but instead will see it as a threat and as a slap in the face. I am preparing for being cut out of her life completely when I finally do this. It has taken me a long time to be OK with the idea of that. I grieve the time and life lost dealing with the deception and lies and then realizing and coming to terms with the truth. I wonder if anyone else has experienced something similar.
Peace,
Tara
@LavenderDaily
my guess is far more people then you realize ......... i think many have done things for spouse or family and at 50 a switch goes off at least it did for me that there is not a tin of time left and if i do not TAKE time for me no one will give it ....
Tara -
My experience wasn't for years or decades on end but yes, I was unfortunate enough to encounter more than one sociopath in my life thus far. I've certainly been taken advantage of. So I can relate, to an extent. There are too many narcissists & sociopaths in the world; if I was ever to agree to any kind of government control of human genetics &/or breeding, it would be to erase the genes for conscienceless personality from the population. No, I am not kidding.
After the worst one I returned to my mostly solitary lifestyle for about half a decade. Have been advised by more than one person that I need to get out & meet people...they're probably right, but these days I don't trust strangers much. You surely understand why. Will see how it plays out this year.
Congratulations on your escape & decision to attend university. I hope you succeed & remain free of the toxic members of your family.
@LavenderDaily
Hi, Daily,
Congrats on deciding to go to grad school. I'm right with you. I was just accepted into a grad school program and feel that it is now or never. I'm about to turn 60.
I, too, have been mentally abused by my birth family, and then an ex-husband. It took me time to realize what was going on. They were all happy keeping me down. I used to love them very much and have come to realize they don't know what love is. I am sorry that you have had to go through abuse, too.
It will be hard when and if your Mum cuts you off. But do you really want her in your life treating you the way she does? I know that you want her to wake up, because you might still love her. It's all completely up to her. We can't push our blood families to change.
Good for you for arranging care for your Mum. That's a super healthy boundary you created. I've done the same with my last sister. I've cut off the rest of my blood family. They were toxic to me.
So, you and I will go through grad school, and we'll be in a position to create joy in the rest of our lives. A future being happy and bright, seems almost a fantasy to me. And no one will be allowed to take it away from me.
Lets stay in touch, if you like. I'd love to know how you are coming along.
--tree
@purpleTree4652 Hello, Tree. Thank you for sharing that. Way to go, going back to school at 60! I believe it's never too late. I'm sorry that you, too, experienced this with your birth family. I hope that we both find and keep joy as much as possible from now on! I would be happy to keep in touch. Thank you for reaching out.
@LavenderDaily ~~~~~
Lavender, I congratulate you. Yes, you are now and still will spend time grieving what was never there. But the excitement of pursuing that career will gradually push that aside.
Most occupying my thoughts are these... What needs of hers are actually really needs, things you KNOW she cannot do for herself. And what money does SHE. not you, have to pay a friend, neighbor or agency to have some one do for her or with her (grocery shopping or doctor visits). If she's very low income, it might be useful to see what possible services or even senior housing might be a good choice.
If she still has siblings or if you do, then reach out to fill them in that you are on your way out.
It's best to loop in as many others as possible, and to seek out resources not named Lavender, because once she realizes you are making o bid for freedom, she'll be likely call in the extended family to fight for her rights to the rest of your life.
I'm the child of a mother who loved me enough to encourage me to seek my best life... You need to become your OWN best mother, nurturing and loving yourself because you ARE a woman-child who still needs a lot of mother-love. I've walked that path myself. I know you will make it.
@TexasExpat48 Thank you for sharing that insight and advice. There will be paid help but the rest of the family has no interest in helping at all, selfish bunch they all are, one made completely in her image. I believe that had I not had the experience with my similarly-suited ex-husband, it wouldn't have taken me so much time to get here. But I am here and I am grateful. A couple of years ago, I found a doll online that I had when I was 3 that my mother threw away despite my cries. I bought it for myself and it sits on a shelf reminding me that I am always here for me.
Thank you for sharing that you got out and moved along. Every success story helps when it starts to feel difficult again.
@LavenderDaily
hi Tara. I think it’s great you are going back to school after finally making those difficult decisions to escape and chart your own course.
In many ways I wish I had the courage to do the same
Neal
@pluckyPlane316 Thanks for the kind words. It's not easy and I imagine it still won't be easy. But to stay where I was is no longer an option.
@LavenderDaily
i understand totally. Getting to that point is rough I imagine. I am glad you were able to get over that hurdle to move yourself forward on your terms.
it’s very encouraging seeing this…it makes it seem possible for me.
@LavenderDaily
Yes sadly I have been through the same thing you are going through with your mom. I went through it with a grandparent also. Sadly she pushed one button to many and I completely walked out of her life forever. Good luck and best wishes with your graduates degree. Good luck also with your mom.
