I am getting older, and so are my parents

@GoingInCircles365 Well, I don't know if this will help or not, but I'll tell you my story. My mom passed away a year ago after eight months in the hospital. Prior to this, my mom had told me where the code to the safe was hidden and which banks they had money in a few years ago. My brother and I both knew they had DNRs and that they both had wills. That's as much as we had talked about it.

After mom passed, my dad, my brother and I sat down and talked about his estate and made some decisions then, so we wouldn't have to make them later. Dad updated his will and put my brother on his bank accounts, so that wouldn't be an issue.

My dad also doesn't take great care of himself. He doesn't take his meds like he's supposed to. He will be 81 next month. He's been hospitalized twice and in the ER numerous times since mom passed away. We know what to do in the event of his death, but in the event of his living until an age where he can't live in his home anymore? We're not sure about that. He doesn't seem to want to discuss going to live in a care home or having care in his home. I don't think he wants either one. I don't think he wants to think about either one. I have a suspicion that he'll make sure he doesn't have to, if you know what I mean. I honestly don't know what to do about it, since he doesn't want to talk about it with either my brother or I, so we just wait and see and hope it won't ever be an issue.

Your situation is different in that your parents both have partners. I don't know who makes their medical decisions if they can't, their partners or you? I feel like you've done what you can do as far as trying to get them to make/update their wills, but as far as taking better care of themselves, if you can tell them what you just said here, at least once, I think you should do that. Tell them you love them and you want them to be around a long time, you want them to take care of themselves and listen to their doctors and take their medications because you love them. You want your kids to grow up with grandparents. They may or may not do it, but it's a touching thing to say. It's something they should hear. When they're gone, they're gone. They need to hear it now.

If you have a relationship with both of their partners or one of the partners, you can talk to them about making sure your parent takes their medications and takes care of themselves. And tell all of them to let you know if you can help them. Sometimes people are too proud to ask for help. If your parents are proud people and they are near you, drop in and make sure they've got groceries and it looks like they're doing fine. If they will ask for help, yeah, make sure they know you are willing to help. Then they can't say they didn't take their medicine or they didn't take care of themselves in blah blah specific way because they couldn't blah blah.

I don't know. Like I said, I don't know if this helps. I think some parents find it hard to take help from their kids or advice from their kids, because they still see you as their kid. And then there are other parents who think their kids owe it to them because they took care of you for all those years. Those ones will let you know what they want from you, I guess. And I do think after letting them know you want them around for a good long time and you will help them, you do have to let them live their own lives with their partners. When/if the day comes when someone shouldn't be living independently anymore, that will probably have to be a joint decision made with their partner, right? I don't know how that works. I haven't had to face that one. I know it's hard though. Real hard. Probably different for everybody.

Keep an open line of communication as well as you can. Don't butt in (your words 😊) so much to where they get annoyed, but do butt in enough to keep tabs on them and let them know how much you love them. Your roles are kind of reversed now. You're almost like the parent and they are the teenagers who think they can live however they want with no consequences. Hmm, maybe that's a good way to think about it.

@GoingInCircles365 Elderly people also worry about their mortality. People tend to become sensitive and irritable as they grow older. Their hearts will become fragile when they feel the deterioration of their bodies and experience sleepless nights. If you have the conditions, giving companionship is always best; let them feel cared for. Secondly, if you have children, tell them to spend more time with their grandparents. When an old man is sick, he feels worthless and a liability. All you have to do is make him feel that he still has value, and bringing his grandkids with him would be a great relief.

@GoingInCircles365

Aging parents can bring a range of emotions and challenges, but it is comforting to know that others have been through similar experiences. Some individuals have found success in researching and advocating for their parents' needs, while others regret not being more involved in their care earlier. Some have found comfort in seeking support from friends, family, and support groups, while others have found solace in simply taking care of themselves and their own mental health.

@GoingInCircles365 Fear of aging is normal. But being too scared and immersed in fear is just a kind of inaction, deceiving yourself, not looking for a solution, and being lazy in implementing it in my opinion. Scientific research shows that developing good living habits can delay aging. (Scientific diet, regular life, reasonable exercise, sun protection, no junk food, no pornography, gambling, drugs, etc...) Let your own value not only be limited to the appearance of youth, in short, it is both internal and external cultivation. You have to work hard to learn more and acquire more knowledge. Beautiful models should retire at the age of 30, but experts and professors are more valuable the older they get. come on.

@GoingInCircles365

Well this is a huge challenge life throws at you when you have no idea what to do and your busy running your own crazy busy life at the same time. I feel your pain.

10 years ago my father passed away -he had dementia and broke his leg and it was really scary and down hill after that..I have 3 siblings and we worked together to get Dad home but it didn't go smoothly.

Mom started showing signs of dementia during the time he passed away. Within a few years we realized she needed a care home. One of my siblings took it upon himself to take over her medical and financial interests. The remaining sibs and myself were all dealing with major stuff so we let him do what he thought best. It was really messy and difficult because the sibling was difficult but mom is now in a good care facility and is happy because she has no idea who we are or where she is.

Part of the reason I couldn't help is my location to my mom is far and we were dealing with my hubs sick aging mom who lived nearby and hubs is an only child so I felt he needed my help. She passed in 2019.

I have to say that the whole situation came on like a train and we were all scrambling to figure it all out. It's great if things like paperwork are in place but there's a lot of variables that happen and you can't predict other family members reactions and ability to help.

In all of the stress of it I realized that it's going to be what God wants it to be and we really don't have a lot of control.

My father put paperwork in place before he passed for me to execute on my mom's behalf but in the end the difficult sibling ended up gaining control and I couldn't fight him . The last 10 years have been the most difficult decade of my life so far. I had a lot of other issues going on at the time and it was more than I could handle . I'm praying the next few years are quiet so I can gain strength for when our mom passes because it will be very difficult.

I recommend you at least get final wishes from your parents as to what they want. That could be a living will or DNR or burial place or sell the house or what care facility they want. If you can't get this finalized while they are able to make competent decisions don't stress about it because eventually it unfolds and things will happen and it just goes down the path it's meant to go. None of all this went the way it was supposed to despite my father's efforts to put paperwork in place .

Best of luck to you.

ABB 💜

@GoingInCircles365 I am sorry to hear, that your dad will not take his BP meds. I had a thought, maybe call the Dr and talk with them, about your dad's health, tell them you're the daughter, and you would like some information about your dad's health. You could then let the dr know, that he his not taking his meds. Also, if he is not able to make health care decisions, you could get the medical-power of atty.

(edited by amiablePeace77 2/4/2023)

My mom is 70 and my dad is 68 both are aging and not necessarily gracefully. I feel bad for them but I still have a lot of problems myself. I feel like a burden to them because I still live with them. I'm neuodivergent and don't have a lot of normal coping skills. They don't accept me as a queer person so I don't know how to navigate my life because I came out at a bad time almost 2 years ago.

help only when they ask , cause they are senstive in this age and if u try to mange them they feel bad , u can propose like if it is an idea somehow but not an order

Hi, I really hope you do not mind my contribution, I am just trying to feel useful because my parents are abroad, and actually I cannot help them. There is a reason why I live far from them and it's not something I can change

Things have happened to them over the years, and all I could do was be there for them by communicating via email, phone etc. Also, my parents and I unfortunatley have a 30-40 year gap sigh between us

Sorry if this sound like a little advice, but pls. my advice is, do what you can to spend time with them while taking of your own personal physical and emotional health. As long as they are not detrimental to you, that is all you can do. I would try looking into those other matters over time. If they are not willing to share, I would not rely on them to help you or their input, try doing as much as you can on your own

Also I can't really say anything else because I am going through a really tough time, my dad might with my dad, I'd rather not even mention it because it's too depressing and I have to deal with some things soon and I can't talk about it, or it will just depress me and then I won't be able to do things

oh sorry please ignore any typos I am stressed out